Naming LO when partners don't share a last name

[katamari]

DH and I retained our own last names after marrying. Now, with a LO on the way, we are trying to figure out how to handle its name. Our inclination was to give it a first and middle name along with both our last names. However, this seems like a lot of name, especially considering what a small percentage of people in your life ever know or use your middle name(s).

Unfortunately, too, my last name isn't really a proper middle name. Several of my friends have used their last names as only middle names for their LOs, but their last names were along the lines of Anderson, Mitchell, Jackson, and other things that would be reasonable as a name in U.S. culture. My last name is not terribly unique, but is notably ethnic and nothing people would consider using as a proper name (think von Trapp).

Finally, some FYIs specific to our situation (although feel free to vote more generally):
We are not considering my last as the only last. It is important to DH's extended family to "carry on the name" which is unimportant to us or my family.
We live in a progressive area where it will cause no bureaucratic problems whatsoever that the members of our family do not share a common last name.
It is important for DH that my name is present, and I would also like it to be; but, I feel like just cramming my last in as a second middle name that LO will never use or be called isn't necessarily keeping it present.

Thanks for your help!

 

[missrachelk]

Hi Kata!

I voted for the first choice - 4 names. I like that because it is more, not less choices for you and DH and for the little one. I also personally went with a similar naming plan when my DH and I married - I kept my maiden name as a second middle name. So although my maiden name doesn't come up often, it's an initial on my license, is on my passport, and I know it's there. In the South (where we live) it's also VERY common for children to be given multiple middle names from birth. Think about how many middle names the British royals have - like 4-5 in addition to the first and last.

I think the next best choice would be to use your last name as the middle name, regardless how un-middle-name-ish it is. How often do any of us use our middle names anyway, except to say - my middle name is X?

Another consideration is do you and DH have any middle names aside from your last name that you really want to use. If not I wouldn't go to an extensive search to find one, since you have one built in with your last.

 

[mia1181]

Well since you asked "how would you name LO?" and we are in a similar boat as you are, so I voted what we will probably do which is give our baby a name, middle name that works with the first name, and my husband's last name. I think this is the simplest solution for us. I think if I felt odd being the only one with a different name or if having a different name than my children made life difficult (confusion when trying to pick up children from school with a different name or whatever) then I could always change my name then. But as you stated, it really is more common now for parents to have different names so I really don't think it would be a problem.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to give advice without knowing your last name (and obviously wouldn't ask) but I think it depends on whether it at least sounds like a middle name (even if it isn't a traditional one). Is it two words? Because that would make the name four names long (i.e. Sophia Von Trapp Johnson). I think if you did include your name, it would make sense to use it as the middle name instead of adding it to a name and middle name. But obviously that will only work if it has some sort of cute ring to it. Personally, I am not really a huge fan of more than one middle name unless it were like a family tradition, because it really just makes the whole name long and you find that middle name #2 rarely get's used anyway. Just my personal opinion, but I think even one middle name is kind of a bonus and I personally want to use it as another option for my child in case they grow to hate the name we choose as the first name.

I don't know if I am being much help here but our decision was much easier because I am not as close to my family and so my last name is not really that special to me. I kept my name more because I feel it is silly to change, and not because I adore it or anything. Maybe you are different though. One thing to keep in mind is that you will always be a part of your child whether they sign your family name on every document or not, so I think if I where in your shoes I would just do whatever is the most practical. That's just me though.

 

[pancake]

We went with First-Middle-HisLast.

That said, I think it depends on the reasons why you kept your respective surnames and what that means to you. I kept mine just because a) I was used it and figured that at 30, with my career/life established, if it had been good enough for 30 years then it was good enough for the next 50!, b) my name is Vietnamese, and I thought that it would look/sound funny with my husband's surname, and c) it was never important to me to share my surname with my husband (but then again, I had never placed that much importance on being married).

My daughter has a "Western" first name (of French extraction), her middle name is Vietnamese and her surname is her dad's. The "me" in her name comes from her middle name - my name is double-barrelled, and in Vietnam it's common for girls in the same family to take one part of that double-barrelled name and combine it with another name. So she shares part of my first name.

Gosh that was a rambly post! Sorry

 

[Bella_mezzo]

We went with first-middle-DH's last name.

my aunt went with first-her maiden-her DH's last for her first daughter and first-her mother-in-law's maiden and DH's last for her second daughter.

 

[choro72]

We did "first name - middle 1 - middle 2 - His last". My last name is not represented anywhere. But in Japan, because I'm the head of the household, his name will be "first name - middle 1 - My last". His passports will have different names, but I hope it won't be a problem in the future

I am a little bothered by the fact that I don't have the same name as my children, but there was NO way FIL would have allowed my my last name to be used. I don't mind legally changing my last name, it but it's just a lot of hassle and money.

Is your last name super difficult? As long as it's not going to make your child's life complicated and it's important to your DH, I like the idea of having your last name in the middle name. I think simplicity is important though. I know that our son's name is too long. I'll let you know in 10 years if he hates us for it.

 

[bobbin]

My mum kept her maiden name (and in fact my sister and I were born before they were married). My name is first name-mum's last name as middle-Dad's last name. Well it was until I got married anyway, now I have DH's last name.

FWIW, my middle name (my mum's last name) is not a normal middle name AT ALL. It sounds like a surname and I have never heard it being used as a first or middle name. However, it didn't cause any problems for me apart from having to clarify occasionally that it was in fact my middle name and not a hyphenated surname. I didn't like it for a long time, but it was never used so it didn't really bother me that much. Now I am married and no longer have my maiden name, I like having my mum's last name in my name still. I identify more with her side of the family anyway.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I also kept my name and don't plan to change it -- partly because it goes well with my unusual first name and DH's doesn't, partly out of feminist sentiment, and partly (perhaps mainly) out of laziness as I'd already begun my career and would have had to change a zillion documents and certifications.

Our plan is to give baby a first and middle name and DH's last name. I think that especially since we now know we're expecting a boy, my dad would like to see LO carry his/my last name as there are just me and my sister who still have that name and it may well die out. While I appreciate this sentiment, there are a few reasons DH and I have discussed that we're not completely swayed by this argument. First, our two last names are too long to hyphenate. Second, my last name isn't truly our family name -- someone escaping from eastern europe bought a passport with this surname and it has only been used since my great grandparents came to the states in the 1880s or 1890s. In contrast, my husband's surname goes back something like six centuries. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, is that DH is committed to preserving my family's traditions and beliefs, so in everything from religion to where we live (close to my family) to the sports teams we root for, LO is will be brought up very much in my family's tradition. While DH and his family are incredibly supportive of our plans, he feels that naming LO for his family is one of the few ways to maintain an obvious connection between himself, his family and LO. I agree that its important for his family to feel like we are doing something to honor their traditions.

We've considered other options like using my surname as a middle name (not a great choice for the same reasons as OP), or even using a middle name that sounds better but represents/relates to the english translation of my surname. At the end of the day I think LO will end up with DH's last name, a first name that is traditional in DH's family, and a middle name closely linked to my family, maybe even my paternal grandfather's first name. I have to admit that the names we are looking at aren't what I would necessarily pick if we weren't trying to name for family members, but having some connection with names is important to both our families.

At the end of the day, my parents may not be crazy about our choice, but I think they will get over it once LO arrives and they realize that this little person and their relationship with him is much more important than the name. Reality is my mom changed her name and I don't carry her last name, but I was always closer with her family than my dad's and that continues to this day because of who they are and who I am, regardless of nomenclature.

That's my opus for today -- hope it helps!!

 

[Octavia]

Katamari, my DH and I will eventually (hopefully!) have this same issue and we will be doing either #1 or #2. We travel internationally a lot so it is VERY important that my last name be on the future kiddos' passports somewhere, just for logistical reasons. My last name is also not a traditional middle name and probably won't sound all that good, but I don't really care. The kids can choose whether to use it or not when they're old enough, and their initials will go well together, so I think it will work out fine. I'm torn about giving a "real" middle in addition to my last name, but DH is against it -- middle names are uncommon where he's from and he thinks it's a hassle. We will have to think very carefully about first name choices because it needs to sound good in both English and DH's first language, and needs to be short to sound good with his complicated last name, so I think that if I get my way on first names I won't push for another middle name. If we can't agree on the first name, I'll use it as leverage, haha. I think it would actually be more advantageous for the future kids to have my last name rather than DH's, but he would be distraught at the idea and I don't care so much about it.

BTW, congratulations on moving into the new house!! I hope you're loving it!

 

[mayachel]

Deciding last names, is likely a lot like first names. Lots of people think they have a "say" in how it goes down initially and then...they all realize it is the babies name and move on. It hasn't taken too long (my daughter is 8m now) for those who questioned it, to "get on with it".

This long lead in, is to say we gave our daughter two last names. No hyphen. So it is first, middle, his last name, my last name. My DH wanted his to be the alphabetical name for filing and what not, so that's what went with. I wanted both of our names on her passport, for ease of travel. Those who ask us, "what happens when she gets married?" We politely respond they are her names to do whatever she wishes with.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My BIL has first, two middle names (still don't understand that) her last name, his last name. He has HATED having so many names his entire life and plans to drop his mom's last name. My sister kept her maiden name. They had a baby and gave the baby BIL's father's last name. The funny thing is right now they all have separate last names b/c BIL hasn't yet legally dropped his mom's last name. I voted First middle his last name. Though it may depend on if the two names are short and sound good together.

 

[FrekeChild]

My only advice is to not hyphenate. I fill out government forms as part of my job, and every person with a hyphenated name has complained about it to me. Sarah Montoya-Jones (not a real person to the best of my knowledge!) becomes Sarah Montoya and/or Sarah Jones on medical records, government records, etc. Which, when you fill out forms for the United States government, becomes very complicated. Hyphenating apparently sucks.

(Having a first name that's long is a pain too - in all standardized tests as a kid, I was Elizabet instead of Elizabeth because they only had space for 8 letters. Don't get me started on my common girl's first name as a last name. I'm so glad I don't get the "No, I need your LAST name..." That is my last name BIOTCH!)

 

[QueenB29]

Even if your last name isn't a "traditional" name, you should still consider it as a middle name. Both my brother and I have our mom's maiden name as our middle name, and it's very definitely an Irish last name.

 

[iheartscience]

I think it depends on what sounds better. Any hypothetical kids I pop out will be named First Middle MyLast-HisLast because the names flow better that way.

 

[Clairitek]

I think it depends on what sounds better. Any hypothetical kids I pop out will be named First Middle MyLast-HisLast because the names flow better that way.

I voted "other" and this is what I was going to suggest. I feel that since it is important to you that your name is present if you have two last names without the hyphen between them then pepole will probably assume that your LO's last name is just your DH's last name and it won't be included socially or officially (like when someone is filling out a form on your behalf/entering information into a computer while you dictate). My cousin and his wife kept their pre-marriage names after they got married but all 4 of their kids have the hyphenated version. Sure hyphens are a PITA sometimes (I have a hyphenated last name) but at least I know that everytime I give my name and spell it out both my maiden name and DH's last name are included.

 

[princesss]

Katamari, a very good friend of mine has a von Trapp-ish middle name, and she loves it! She loves the connection to both sides of her family, and the fact that it's a unique name. I definitely wouldn't rule it out as a middle name just because it's unusual. Not that many people really know your middle name, anyways, why not have it be something meaningful?

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I have 4 names and in hindsight, wouldn't have done that if I had known!

I have First Name Middle Name Maiden Name and DH's Name. I kept my last name and added DH's with no hyphen, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton or Sandra Day O'Connor (I have no idea if they have middle names as well). HOWEVER, it has been a royal pain in the arse. My work decided that my email address couldn't accommodate that so it added a hyphen to my names, despite that legally there is no hyphen, so now everyone at work knows me as a hyphenated name and only ONE person in 7 years has ever noticed that I sign stuff sans hyphen. Airlines don't know how to handle it, so on a ticket, my names are all mushed together like one gigantic name. I can't ticket myself with a hyphen b/c that doesn't match the name on my ID. And in my personal life, I can never remember if I gave people only my husband's name b/c my two last names are a mouthful to say. I wish I'd only kept my maiden or only taken my husband's, but not both.

So suffice it to say, my kids have three names only- first, middle, DH's last name and that's fine with me!

 

[Jennifer W]

We used DH's last name because it's much nicer than mine, and sounded better with our daughter's first name. Nothing of any more significance that "it sounded pretty" really came into the decision.

 

[CrisM]

We were wrangling about it right at the wire, literally until we filled out the birth certificate. We went with first / middle / my last name. Sounds better.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I voted to use your last name as the baby's middle name even if its a mouthful, and no other middle name. You won't use the middle name in many contexts so a) it doesn't matter if the kid doesn't have some pretty middle name and b) it doesn't matter if it is von Trapp (or what have you). But, that solution means you have your name in there. Its what we did, but my maiden name is also a common boys first name. Both boys have the same middle name, my maiden name.

Here is a funny story. My friend changed her name 6 years into her marriage because she wanted the same last name as her child(ren), and they planned to give the kids her hudband's last name. This is also why I changed my name. Women are screwed either way. Either we change our name and lose our roots. Or we keep our name and have a different last name than our kids. I'm not a hyphenate or double barrel fan, mostly because I publish and its too awkward. So I changed my name, and now 5 years later I don't miss my maiden name. I still use it in publishing though, maybe that helps. And its the boys' middle name, like I said.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have 4 names and in hindsight, wouldn't have done that if I had known!

I have First Name Middle Name Maiden Name and DH's Name. I kept my last name and added DH's with no hyphen, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton or Sandra Day O'Connor (I have no idea if they have middle names as well)....

I actually did this too when I got married and had four names for all of three weeks -- First Middle Mylast HisLast. Then I changed my name again to First Middle HisLast. For all the reasons you list. I figured it was THAT annoying for three weeks I would just change it again before I had finished all my paperwork.

Hilary Rodham Clinton is an interesting example. I thought Rodham was her middle name. She is always called "mrs. clinton" in the media. For those social reasons I really dislike the two last names no hyphen option.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I have 4 names and in hindsight, wouldn't have done that if I had known!

I have First Name Middle Name Maiden Name and DH's Name. I kept my last name and added DH's with no hyphen, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton or Sandra Day O'Connor (I have no idea if they have middle names as well)....

I actually did this too when I got married and had four names for all of three weeks -- First Middle Mylast HisLast. Then I changed my name again to First Middle HisLast. For all the reasons you list. I figured it was THAT annoying for three weeks I would just change it again before I had finished all my paperwork.

Hilary Rodham Clinton is an interesting example. I thought Rodham was her middle name. She is always called "mrs. clinton" in the media. For those social reasons I really dislike the two last names no hyphen option.

I just checked- Diane is her middle name, Rodham her maiden. I'm not a huge fan of hers, but I bet if she and I got together, we'd have good grumble about what people do to our names!

I would consider changing mine but 8 years and 2 kids later, there's too much paperwork to deal with. And all of my daughter's important adoption paperwork (her Certificate of Citizenship, adoption finalization decree, etc.) have my 4 names and I would prefer to have continuity. Even if it drives me crazy

 

[Laila619]

I voted for First Middle HisLast, just because I usually like the traditional option best. But do what makes you most comfortable!

 

[jstarfireb]

We don't have kids, but having a hyphenated name myself, I have an opinion on this! I hyphenated my last name when we got married, which means I had a choice in the matter and specifically chose to hyphenate. However, we'd give any hypothetical kids a "normal" first and middle name and just his last name. I'm happy with my hyphenated name because it allowed me to stay close to my roots and at the same time showed that I was proud to be married to my husband. But I wouldn't impose a name like mine on a poor unsuspecting child. It's a monstrosity of a name (11 letters not counting the hyphen), and it would be much easier in school etc. for a child to have just one last name. Plus I agree with the Hillary example - the first of the 2 last names often gets abandoned because people think it's a middle name. I wouldn't have a problem with making my maiden name the middle name except that it just doesn't sound right to me, so I'd do First Middle HisLast.

 

[enbcfsobe]

It's a monstrosity of a name (11 letters not counting the hyphen),

Wow -- you're lucky!! If I'd gone the hypen route (and among the reason I didn't), I'd have had a total of 17 letters not including the hyphen!

 

[Octavia]

It's a monstrosity of a name (11 letters not counting the hyphen),

Wow -- you're lucky!! If I'd gone the hypen route (and among the reason I didn't), I'd have had a total of 17 letters not including the hyphen!

My last name alone is 11 letters, and DH's is 10! So yeah...no hyphenation here. I already have to leave off the last letter of my last name on some forms (though this seems to have gotten better since I was a kid). I jokingly told DH that the extra letter made the difference in whose last name the kids will get -- however, his has one more syllable and even though mine is long, it's pretty simple to pronounce. Whereas even I don't always pronounce DH's last name correctly. So really, it's a toss-up, but in our situation it kinda has to be one or the other. And the kids can just use their middle initial, as I do, without necessarily having to write out the middle (my last) name all the time.

 

[katamari]

Thank you so much to everyone who voted/responded! We really appreciate it! We still don't have a decision, but I will update the thread when we come to one in case it helps someone else in the future.

RachelK: I grew up in the south (well, the northern south), and I guess I do know lots of people with double-middles or multiple firsts like Kellyanne and Mary Grace. DH and I are really just focusing on first names right now and not even considering what firsts we like might combine with middles. Perhaps that is a sign that we don't care so much about middles?

Mia: Yeah, I grew up with a different last name from my mom since she didn't change upon marrying. It would be no big deal for me, either to have a different last than the rest of my immediate family. My last isn't two names, officially, but it does have a clear prefix that makes it sound like two, very a la von Trapp. Definitely no cute ring to it.

Pancake: I am much like you in that I married later in life and just felt weird changing my name at that point. It was also not important to me to share a name. I don't have a strong ethnic identity, but it would be nice to work something of me in. We aren't doing family names, but maybe we will think of something.

Bella: I think we will be one-and-done, but that is a very cool solution that your aunt had. Part of the reason that we don't want to use family names is that we want to be able to honor both of our families and can't figure out a good solution to do it that way.

Choro: How cool that your son gets to be a dual citizen! My last name isn't complicated, but it also isn't cute. I suppose if our child hates it, I could always just volunteer to pay to have the name changed if it decides it hates it. Of course, if my parents would have offered this, I am sure I would be Kata Madonna Mari right now.

Bobbin: Thanks for weighing in and letting me know. I suppose if I had my mom's last as my middle, I would think it was pretty cool now, since we have become much closer as I became an adult.

Enbcfsobe: DH's father, and some of his extended relatives who are really into geneology, share the sentiment as your dad. However, we tend to agree with you about the holes in the "name dying" argument. DH and I haven't fully fleshed out whose traditions we are following, but that does sound like a very reasonable compromise.

Octavia: I hadn't thought about passports/traveling at all. So far, all the logistic stuff we've considered revolves around health coverage and school enrollment. Agreeing on one name has been hard enough for us, too. And, we are finally to the point that we are enjoying the house now that most of the stressful stuff is behind us. I hope you are enjoying yours, as well!

Mayachel: I am glad to hear that this isn't going to be a big deal forever. It is important to remember that about parenting. I totally agree that our LO will be fine to do anything they wish with thier names as adults.

Tacori: Whoa! That is a lot of names in one household. I think that is exactly the kind of situation I want to avoid. We don't want our LO to become a John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Freke: We are not considering hyphenating. DH finds it terribly unsustainable after we had friends who were both hypenated and now have four lasts between them. And, I do hear that it gets mixed up a fair deal. But, DH's last is a trendy first name these days (well, maybe in the mid-90s/early 00s). Hopefully people don't give the LO grief about that!

QueenB29: I am glad to hear that you enjoy having your mother's maiden as your middle. There is, of course, no reason why it wouldn't feel as real of a name as any other name we would select.

Thing2: Flow would be a good thing to consider. Of course, we have not agreed on firsts yet (and don't know the sex, so need to have at least two). Maybe I can use a name that flows with his last to get a first that I like /evillaugh

C-Tek: That is a good point about hyphenating. The main reason I feel like it really isn't as important since it won't really be used. The hyphen does allow this.

Princess: Glad to hear that your friend enjoys it. It would certainly show the heritage of my father's side. Since he died when I was young, it could be a cool connection to the only grandparent s/he will not have met. It would be a meaningful way to connect them.

Logan: I hadn't thought about some of these logistic issues. My workplace can't deal with name changes, and there are plenty people who have changed their lasts for various reasons (partnering, dissolusions, identity) and their e-mails are still whatever name they were hired in at. I suppose this type of bureaucratic ineptitude is quite frequent.

JenniferW: DH definitely has the easy-to-spell common last name that sounds good with nearly every first name. That is something to consider.

CrisM: I'm happy to hear we are not the only ones struggling with this. I assume we will be turning over options until the documents are signed, too.

Dreamer: You are totally right that there is no good option for women. I either have my father's name or my husband's name (at least in US culture). Both are/were terrific individuals and feminists, but neither is a feminine-empowering option. I also like the idea of our children having a shared middle, if we were to have more than one.

Thanks, Laila!

Jstar: Great point about hyphenating being a way to maintain two identities. Our child will already have a way to manage those two identities by having us as the parents s/he has always known. That could work using my last as a middle or not and not something naming will address.

 

[star sparkle]

From your post above it sounds like you already aren't consering hyphenating, but I just wanted to throw my $.02 in to say that if you WERE considering hyphenating, please, don't do it!!

I was given a hyphenated name at birth and I've always passionately hated it. As a kid it's hard to understand why nobody can understand why your name actually is, why the order of the names gets confused all the time, and why sometimes you can't be found in certain systems because your name was entered incorrectly or because that system doesn't accept hyphenation. Also, as Freke pointed out, it's a PITA when it comes to filling out government forms and even more of a PITA when you WORK for the government, as I do.

As a child, the thing I most looked forward to about getting married was changing my name and finally having a nice, normal, singular last name. (And luckily, after 27 years, that'll be happening in less than 6 months!)

One last thing - I think people who choose to hyphenate their last name upon marriage are happier with the hyphenation becaues it was their CHOICE. It wasn't "forced" upon them, it's something they wanted. As such, the annoyances that come along with it aren't as big of a deal. To an adult who got to make that choice, sure, the problems associated with it don't seem significant. To a kid who didn't have that choice, it really f'in sucks.

 

[Octavia]

Octavia: I hadn't thought about passports/traveling at all. So far, all the logistic stuff we've considered revolves around health coverage and school enrollment. Agreeing on one name has been hard enough for us, too. And, we are finally to the point that we are enjoying the house now that most of the stressful stuff is behind us. I hope you are enjoying yours, as well!

I think the importance of this partly depends on where you'll be traveling. The country my DH is from does not allow women to keep their own names after marriage (it's possible to double-barrel, but even getting permission for that is difficult) so we already run into some resistance at the airports there. So for me, it is essential that I be able to point to my passport and baby's passport and have the same name appear both place (in addition, I always carry a copy of our marriage certificate and will carry copies of birth certificates when the time comes). If we were mostly traveling to countries where it's not so big a deal, it wouldn't be quite as important to me, but the more I think about it, the more it just seems sensible to do things this way anyway (for us, not necessarily for everyone!).

 

[alene]

Both of my kids are First Mylast Hislast. My last name is very ethnic and not at all first-name-like. It was the best option for us. I took my husband's last name as my middle (I didn't have one before) so I actually share more names with my kids than he does.