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Natural feelings, or not quite ready?

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Kim N

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I''m not engaged yet, but with the engagement getting closer, I''m really feeling these "oh my god this is really forever" feelings. But how do you know when these feelings of being overwhelmed and a little scared are natural, and when they mean that you''re not quite ready for marriage yet? I''m not in any hurry to get married, and in fact we''ve planned it for two to three years from now (mid-20s now), but I''ve had these feelings ever since we got the ring and the engagement has gotten closer and closer. I don''t want to still be scared about the whole forever thing once we''re engaged. It''s just that the whole thing is such a big decision--how do I know I''m making the right one?
 
I think some of those thoughts and feelings are normal. Unfortunately, no one can tell you where "normal" ends and "your gut is telling you something" begins. Only you know in your heart if this is the guy for you. Can you see your future with him (or is it impossible to see it without him?)...if so, I would think it is just normal jitters...so it is really your inner searching that will tell you what you need to know...
 
Thanks, diamondfan. Yes, I can see my future with him, and we''ve talked very often about what our married life will be like, kids or no kids, where we''d live, what we''d be doing.
 
Kim,

I think those feelings are completely natural. I remember when I felt that our engagement would happen soon, I started to get some freak-out feelings -- like "whoa, this is REAL!" Every once in a while I would think about my then-boyfriend, or look at him, and think "this man is going to be my husband? Crazy!"

I was even a bit scared and nervous right after he proposed. Even the first couple weeks felt a little strange and scary. But it completely dissapeared after the first few weeks, and now it feels like the most natural thing in the world -- like what is everyone so nervous about? Everyone should get engaged, its fabulous!
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I think if you still feel this way after getting engaged, and you try to block out the feelings, then it may be a problem. But in that case I think you would already know there''s something going on you need to address. It sounds like you have already been planning your future with your boyfriend without any worry or concern, so I''m sure this is just a little pre-engagement nervousness that will go away once you''re official.
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Kim I think it's totally natural!

I've posted about this on here before...but before we got engaged I was totally on-board for engagement, rah rah rah! I knew that Greg was the one for me, we had been together for almost 2 years and had broken up for 2 months and gotten back together and were better than ever, and we had learned so much about the time apart, so we really felt like since we were able to find our way back to each other that we really wanted to be together.

But right after we got engaged, and Greg was totally on board, I started freaking out!! I was worried too for a little bit, like is this just normal or am I really questioning things. But I just reminded myself about how I felt beforehand...before the engagement and the mental pressures, how I was so sure and why. Having had a relationship before where I was 'not sure' most of the time, I knew what feeling sure felt like. So why would having a ring and a wedding to plan change it? Once I got past that 'mental' thing, then I was fine. I didn't have any more questioning feelings. And I spoken openly about the feelings with Greg when I was having them and he totally understood and he said he wasn't worried at all. So it wasn't a huge deal...but I think it's normal. As long as you are not questioning huge elements of your relationship then I think questioning 'forever' is healthy. It probably bodes more well for you than those who never really examine the promise of forever and marriage and committment and just go blindly into it.

Anyhow, don't be too hard on yourself...I would just try to remember why you wanted to marry this man and what makes HIM so special.
 
I got those feelings too... After he told me his 2006 proposal timeline, I was over the moon for one day, then totally freaked out for two whole days. I even called him and told him he didn''t have to do it if he wasn''t completely sure, I didn''t want to pressure him!
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We talked about it and it made me feel better.
 
Elle, Mara, and anchor, thank you for the reassurances!

Elle, I''ve felt those exact words that you said: "whoa, this is REAL!" It helps to know that you felt a little nervous and scared even after the proposal too, but I''m laughing about this comment of yours on how you feel now: "Everyone should get engaged, its fabulous!" Hopefully I''ll be at that point soon too!
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Mara, I haven''t talked openly to him about the feelings yet, so based on what you said, I think it would be a good idea for me to do that. Thanks--it makes me feel better to know that my feelings are natural, and I do want to get back to the feeling of being sure.

Anchor, I did something similar too. I told him not to propose any time soon--glad to know I''m not alone!
 
I agree that those feelings sound normal. Forever is an overwhelming thing to think about.
I had a little bout of that last weekend when my b/f and I were looking at rings. I got my fingers sized and a 4 1/2 fit like a glove.

Well shortly after, B/F got curious and tried on some wedding bands, and looking at a wedding band on his finger made me a little jittery (and I am MORE than ready to be engaged). In fact, we went back to try sizes for me again to decide if I REALLY a 4 1/2 or if I wanted a little wiggle room, and the 4 1/2 got stuck on my finger because I was so jittery that my hands had swolen.

Needless to say, I am going with 4 3/4 size. And it's a good thing I tried it on again nervous!

Anyway, I think it is healthy to go through a few what ifs now and then. There is an old expression that says, "You have to doubt your way to faith," and I believe that can apply to faith in your partnership sometimes. Afterall, it is not a decision you should make based on simple questions and answers. There is a lot to consider.
 
Kim,

I think you are having some normal feelings, even though I knew my FI had the ring for about a month and I was very anxiously waiting for the ring, right after the proposal I got a little nervous. The only thing that worries me about you is that in your first post you said "how do I know I am making the right decision?" I never had feelings likenot knowing if I had made the right decision, I had just a little bit of "oh my gosh it''s for real" nerves. If you are not sure you are making the right descision then I would definitely take some more time to think about getting engaged.
 
DAH..I think it's totally normal to question a decision that affects the rest of your natural life. It's very scary to think about FOREVER..especially in our independent age of high divorce rates. Anyway, IMO from my experience as long as there are not some serious red flags or the feeling of unsure keeps popping up again and again, typical nerves wondering if you are making the right decision to me seems like 'self preservation'...of course there are no guarantees in life and sometimes that can make you nervous as you take a big step into the future. Maybe I feel this way because I had those feelings but I don't think it's a big warning flag unless you start questioning elements of the relationship that could really make you wonder.

Kim, sounds like you have some time to mentally work through the questions in your mind anyway, so that's good! Most of the time a little reality pep talk outside of the 'oh my god!!!' kind of its happening freakout works for most big things. Whenever I imagine us having a baby now I kind of feel the same way about the oh my god moment...I can't even imagine when it would actually happen. Now THAT is scary. hahaa.
 
To play the devil's advocate... Maybe you're not ready. Maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you he's not the one for you. Why are you planning it for 2-3 years from now? I'd be pretty worried if I was having those feelings, and in point of fact I have had them before. I've been engaged twice with the wedding vaguely planned for the misty future, and I had feelings of oh my god and just an internal uneasiness. I just wasn't excited. For me that was a warning sign that they weren't right for me. Perhaps it's the same for you?

Of course, that said. Now that my fi is moving in with me I'm having some Oh my God feelings of my own. But that's mainly from all the work I have to do to make my place ready for all of his stuff. It's making me take a hard look at my life and I wonder if I'm fit to be someone's partner. My grasp on real life is a bit shaky. I told my fi some of my worries and he said that it's not like he's going to move in and then discover how bad I am. After all I've had replacement fridge doors sitting in their boxes my front hallway for months, and they have a pile of unopened mail on top of them.
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ETA: the defining moment: if when he proposes you are still scared, don't say yes. You should be estatic and excited at that moment, it ought to be the happiest moment of your life to date!
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You don't have to make the decision until he actually asks, hopefully you'll know what's right inside of you then.
 
Fancy, thanks for sharing. That quote does sound like it can apply well to a partnership.

Diamonds Are Hot and Mara, I will take the time to think more about this before getting engaged. I don''t think I feel any serious red flags. We''ve had issues, but I imagine few couples haven''t, and they''re mostly resolved now. Maybe I just have to resolve them fully in order to feel 100% sure. I''m not questioning the relationship at all, but I think I may have to finish working through the last of the issues.

Indie, thanks for suggesting the devil''s advocate side. I''m not concerned about planning the wedding for 2-3 years from now because it''s for logistical reasons. We''re semi-long distance now, and I''m going to go back to school next year in a two-year program, so we''ll continue to be long distance until I graduate. For me, it''s not uneasiness about loving him or being happy with him or being excited about our future, but more not being sure that this is right forever. I hope what I''m trying to say makes sense. I''m going to take your advice on not getting engaged until I''m sure.
 
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