Need a little advice

[BlondySweetZ]

Hi ladies,
I just found this board and I decided to joing because it looks like I''m not the only one in this boat (if I''ve interpreted the title right lol).
I''ve got a couple things that I need advice on because my BF has me completely like "WTF"

My BF has told me he loves me so much that he''s thought about marrying me, which when I heard that my heart just skipped a beat

, but he won''t talk about our future and where he wants it to go. I''ve made it perfectly clear how much I love him and that if he asks me to marry him I would in a heartbeat, so it''s not like he has to worry about rejection. He''s told me this a couple of times, but whenever we''re around anyone else all I hear is negitive comments about marriage come out of his mouth if it comes up. He knows that eventually in life I want to get married, but he still hasn''t told me if he wants to. We''ve been together for three years and only been living together for a year. We get along so well that sometimes it''s scary. After three years I kinda feel like if he doesn''t know if he wants to marry me then he probably won''t

. I don''t think he''s waiting for financial stability because we are financially stable, other than we don''t own a house, but he knows I won''t buy a house with him unless we''re married for personal reasons. The only thing I can think of is that he''s scared. See I have a seven year old son who he''s crazy about and my son is crazy about him too and they get along great. Is that really something that he should be scared of? I''m not the first girl he''s dated with a kid from a previous relationship so I don''t know if that''s it. How should I approach him to talk about this? I don''t want him to think I''m pressuring him into marrying me, but I also don''t want to be stuck in a dead end relationship either!! HELP PLEASE!!

 

[vita*dolce]

hey, blondy! welcome to ps!! i''m about to give you the same advice i give every time a LIW posts this kind of concern:

you need to talk to HIM!! not that LIW''s don''t give great insight, but simply because there can be no resolution without doing so. you need to approach him as calmly as possible and ask him what he sees for your future. you said that he told you that he''s thought about marrying you -- what else did he say during that conversation? i''m curious because i assumed that he said he wanted to marry you, but if he''d said that you wouldn''t have this question, so as to that point a little more information might help us help you.

as scary as it might seem, you have to talk to him about your future. be clear about the fact that it''s not just the two of you in this relationship -- since you have a child, you have to do what''s best for you both and find out what his bottom line is now before either of you become too invested. as it is, your son probably sees him as a father-figure, it would be a lot easier for you to walk away sooner than later if he''s not serious about a commitment.

good luck to you! i hope everything works out well for all three of you!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Hi!!

I have a few questions:

1. How long have you guys been talking about marriage? If its been a year then that''s a little of a concern. If the first time you have really spoken about it was maybe a few months ago, then there''s no need for concern just yet.
2. Is your son''s father in his life? If he isn''t, then maybe (just maybe) your BF feels overwhelmed with becoming a fulltime daddy and taking care of a child financially??

In any event, yes talk to him. You have every right, especially being a mom, to know where the future is headed. Nothing bad will come out of talking. If he has something planned or is really considering marriage, then he''ll make you feel more secure. If he isn''t, then at least you know his true intentions and can make your decision accordingly.

And welcome to PS! Hope you stick around!

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m a little surprised you didn''t have this talk before you and your son moved in with him

Better late than never. You need to have the talk now. You have a child involved.

 

[bee*]

I agree with the other ladies-definitely talk to him. Ask him when he sees himself getting married etc. I think that a lot of guys put on a show of bravado when around friends so that could be where the negative talk about marriage is coming from, but I would definitely speak to him about it, especially due to the fact that you have a son and want to see where this is going.

 

[BlondySweetZ]

Date: 9/1/2008 12:55:19 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m a little surprised you didn''t have this talk before you and your son moved in with him

Better late than never. You need to have the talk now. You have a child involved.

We did have a talk well before we started living together, but at that point in time, neither of us wanted to get married. (meaning EVER). But somewhere along the time we''ve been living together I have come to realize that I want to marry him, but I kept those feelings inside until HE said something.

I finally talked to him yesterday. He could tell something was bugging me (he knows me too well lol) because I was way too quiet. So he finally dragged it outta me. He always asks the same question, "is it bad" or "did I do something wrong", so finally I just asked him where he saw himself in five years. And his answer was that he wants to get a better job, and buy a house. But nothing about us, so I asked him where he saw our relationship in five years, and he said "why" so I had to go into why I wanted to know. And finally he said well if you''re asking if I see us together yes, I want you and the kiddo around. I want to get a house with you and the kid. And finally I asked him if he wanted to make this permenant and he said he''s thought about it. But what the hell does thought mean?? So I again was left with a question, so I just said scr*w it and flat out asked him what the hell that meant, and he said it meant that yes he''s thought about it but there are things he wants to get straightened out before he jumps into anything (meaning, getting a better job and buying a house). To which I made him perfectly clear that if he buys a house on his own, I won''t go with him, I have a child to think about, and unless we''re engaged with a serious date set or married, I''m not going because he could decide a week later that he wants me out then where am I with my son? In other words if we''re engaged or married when we buy the house, my name will be on the deed and he can''t throw me and my son outta my house. So he said understood.

After talking to him it was like a freaking weight lifted off of my shoulders!! I was so worried about saying something wrong and him thinking I was pressuring him into something (things have to be worded carefully with him sometimes because he''s not always wearing his listening ears, lol). Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get it outta my head before it exploded. Thank you all for your advice, I guess I kinda knew what it was before it was said, but getting advice sometimes help, especially with how to approach a topic like that!

 

[jcarlylew]

I''m glad you got more of an answer you were looking for! and good for you for sticking to your guns regarding the new home issue.