need a pep talk

[waitinlady]

I''m an avid lurker but not an avid poster so I''m not sure if anyone remembers my story. Been with bf 3 yrs, lived together 2 yrs. Good relationship, know we want to get married but I have no idea when its happening. Everyone around me is getting engaged. A friend of mine has been dating her bf less than a year, he''s been asking her to move in. She said no way untill she gets a ring and guess what, today she got it. Bf just told me another friend of ours is working on paying off a ring for his gf. Of course I''m happy for them and I know I want it to happen for us someday but I feel I''m developing a bad outlook. (see next post)

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Waitinlady-I feel for you. I used to (and STILL DO since I am STILL not engaged!) get so irritated when other couples "lapped us" and that is because BF and I have only been together under a year and a half!

It''s very tough to be happy that your friends are getting something that you are aching for. It''s especially rough because we honestly CAN''T discuss the issue logically with our SOs (it''s not possible to be rational when you are an emotional wreck).

Just think that you are building a great foundation for your relationship. You and your sweetie might have other qualities that yoru friends probably envy as well, but they can''t just come out and say it, just as you can''t say to them how much you want that piece of the puzzle they have.

Hang in there and try not to take it out on your clueless SO. I know it''s easier said than done.

 

[waitinlady]

Sorry I''m on my cell phone and it gives me a word limit so I couldnt finish my post. I have really become an emotional rollercoaster even though I dont show it to anyone else. My feelings of excitment and anticipation have turned to resentment and I hate it cause its so not me. Bf has been bringing up wedding ideas alot lately and instead of being happy I feel like ''why are you getting my hopes up when you havent even proposed?'' Its a terrible way of thinking and I know it needs to stop. I''m sure some of you ladies have been there, how did you get through it?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/7/2008 12:38:11 PM
Author: waitinlady
Sorry I''m on my cell phone and it gives me a word limit so I couldnt finish my post. I have really become an emotional rollercoaster even though I dont show it to anyone else. My feelings of excitment and anticipation have turned to resentment and I hate it cause its so not me. Bf has been bringing up wedding ideas alot lately and instead of being happy I feel like ''why are you getting my hopes up when you havent even proposed?'' Its a terrible way of thinking and I know it needs to stop. I''m sure some of you ladies have been there, how did you get through it?

A lot of the ladies here have sat down to talk to their boyfriends about a timeline to get *some* idea of when it''s happening. Sounds to me like it might be sooner rather than later if he''s talking about marriage and wedding ideas, but maybe his idea (or mine!) of soon is different than yours. Have a chat with him, let him know how you feel anxious about not knowing generally when it will happen, and ask where he sees you 6 months from now, a year from now, two years from now. His answers will hopefully provide you with some reassurance and let you feel more like yourself.

 

[tessari]

I agree that you should talk to him and Gwen''s idea about the 6 months, 1 yr, 2 yr guidelines is great bc it doesn''t pin him down on a particular date but let''s him know that you are thinking about it. That''s what I did with my BF..we have also been together for 3 yrs, living together for 1.5. how old are you two?
Back in May I asked him about his "timeline" and he said April/May 2009 for engagement and May 2010 for the wedding...it sounded like a really long time back then but now it''s coming closer and closer and doesn''t seem so far away....he also recently has been saying it will be more like Feb/early March...so that''s not too bad at all altho sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind with the wait. If we never had that conversation back in May then I don''t know what he would be doing...I think that like your guy, he knew that eventually we would get married but I actually had to nudge him so that he would start thinking about doing it in the nearer future...

 

[waitinlady]

We''re both 28. The thing is he told me that he''d seriously thought about proposing for my bday (which was 4 months ago) but got overwhelmed when he thought about planning a wedding. I assured him I wanted something simple, which I do. So at least I know hes got it on his mind. But thats when all this thinking started ''if then wasnt a good time when will be?'' to know he was so close. I know that he will want it to be a complete suprise though so I dont think he''d go for a timeline. Maybe him bringing up wedding ideas is his way of warming up to the idea of planning one so he wont be overwhelmed when he does pop the question

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/7/2008 2:32:01 PM
Author: waitinlady
We''re both 28. The thing is he told me that he''d seriously thought about proposing for my bday (which was 4 months ago) but got overwhelmed when he thought about planning a wedding. I assured him I wanted something simple, which I do. So at least I know hes got it on his mind. But thats when all this thinking started ''if then wasnt a good time when will be?'' to know he was so close. I know that he will want it to be a complete suprise though so I dont think he''d go for a timeline. Maybe him bringing up wedding ideas is his way of warming up to the idea of planning one so he wont be overwhelmed when he does pop the question

That would absolutely infuriate me!!!

I hate when FF mentions really nice, sweet, romantic gestures that he was *going* to do, and changed his mind. Keep that to yourself - seriously! I didn''t need to know that! Now I''m just bummed that it didn''t happen!

Ok, back to the issue at hand. I, like many others, don''t think timeline = no surprise. FF has a timeline of anytime between now and next summer. So it could be next week or next June. I''m always on my toes. I don''t in any way feel that I know when it''s going to happen just because I have a vague timeline. I think it settles a lot of LIW nerves to have a vague idea. Just not too vague, as in, "Within the next 10 years" as my FF likes to say.

On the positive side, he''s definitely got it on his mind, so it''s only a matter of time! My FF got freaked out by wedding talk initially also, now he''s the one bringing it up.

You just have to remember, most women have been planning their wedding their whole life. Men don''t usually think about it til they meet *The One* You had 20+ years to think about it, letting him have a year or two to get used to the idea isn''t so long when you look at it that way, is it?

Good Luck!!!

 

[tessari]

Ugggh! My BF does that ALL the time...along with the"I''m planning a surprise for you" that never comes to fruition.

I am 28 as well, my BF is 29....

Anyway, it''s good that it''s on his mind again....but I agree with Elledizzy that timelines don''t totally ruin the surprise...I still don''t have the exact when where and how but I definitely feel more at ease. Even if he refuses to give you a ballpark date it still never hurts to ask in a non-confrontational way. I was so happy I did it, altho I did feel kind of like a chump bc otherwise I am very traditional (no calling guys, no asking them out, etc.) but in this case I felt confident enough in our relationship and I really needed to know where he was.

 

[waitinlady]

I''ve always been old fashioned in the way that I''d like him to ask completely on his own without any hinting from me (in a dream world right?) Its too late for that because I''ve brought it up to him now (after he told me he almost proposed) I said I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he said ''how do you know I dont have the ring already?'' So maybe he does but I''ve decided I''ll give myself a mental timeline of the end of this year since the holidays are coming up. If it dosent happen by then, I''ll try asking for a timeline. Its cheered me up to let this out though!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/7/2008 3:59:51 PM
Author: waitinlady
I''ve always been old fashioned in the way that I''d like him to ask completely on his own without any hinting from me (in a dream world right?) Its too late for that because I''ve brought it up to him now (after he told me he almost proposed) I said I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he said ''how do you know I dont have the ring already?'' So maybe he does but I''ve decided I''ll give myself a mental timeline of the end of this year since the holidays are coming up. If it dosent happen by then, I''ll try asking for a timeline. Its cheered me up to let this out though!

Just one word of caution about having an internal time line that revolves around the holidays--please, please, please don''t let your hopes get up so high that if/when they are dashed (which is more likely than not if he has no idea that''s what you''re thinking), the disappointment ruins what would otherwise be a wonderful time together to share your love and happiness together. If you must do the time line thing without any conversation with him, maybe make the deadline in the middle or end of January instead, just so you don''t end up in tears on Christmas Day or New Year''s Eve?

 

[waitinlady]

This is true because last holiday season I had high hopes and when it didnt happen I felt left down. It didnt help that his whole family said they''d hoped he was going to do it for Christmas. But I got through it then and I can do it again. I just want to give him one more chance to do it on his own, if not, we will talk timelines next year for sure.

 

[MissDimity]

Hey waiting lady,
I can so relate to you, me and SO ( ages: 26 / 33) have been going out 3.5 years, living together 3 years, everyone has lapped us and I think out of his friends it is only us and one other couple ( who have been dating less than a year) who aren''t married yet.

Feel so bad, at the last wedding I was pushed to catch the bouquet with one other person (the gf of SO''s friend mentioned above). And I didn''t catch it...

I gave my bf a deadline last year, of four years. If he doesn''t propose by our 4th anniversary ( July next year) i''m walking. I think 4 years is long enough to work out if you are compatible. I think it''s kicked him into action, we went ring shopping a month ago.

Anyho, I think a deadline is a good idea.

 

[gladyskristen]

WIL, I really feel for you. FF sometimes talks about weddings and life after marriage, but we''re still not engaged! It just sucks cos instead of making you happy, it reminds you of the fact that you''re not engaged yet. Hang in there hunnie, we''re all with you.

 

[SomeDay?]

I have to say I''m so glad I found this website and realize that I''m not alone in the almost hating others who are getting engaged before me.
so here''s my story.... Been dating 6.5 years. I''m 25 he''s 27. Almost everyone we know is married are getting engaged. Even people who I thought would NEVER get married about only dating 6months!. And inside my head I think not fairr. We don''t live together. (I still live with my parents, sad I know to broke to really move out.) but I spend the weekends and some week nights at his place. He finally got a place of his own no roommate and I''m thinking maybe soon he''ll ask me to move in or pop the quesiton. but a friend of his came for a visit and never left ( almost 5 months now) so there''s that a new roommate. He''s also the kinda of guy that seems scared of marriage I blah his parents who had very bitter spilt when was about 14. But my parents have be happily married almost 35 years....But I think he just looks at the bad. I''''ve asked him before what he thinks about marriage but he said he''s not sure if he ever will. But if he were to, it who be to me. He''s also the guy who isn''t very open about his feelings. So when he says I love you I know he means. But still All I can feel is prue jealously when are friends get engaged or have thier wedding or even move into together. so there''s my sad sap story. Just gald to know other people have some of the same problems!

 

[purselover]

Hi Someday....don''t mean to thread jack but have you brought up moving in together before? Maybe he doesn''t know that''s something you''re interested in since not everyone wants to live together before marriage, or maybe he''s concerned about having to support you, you say you can''t afford to move out of your parents so maybe he doesn''t want to be stuck paying all the bills alone. (of course I''m not saying that''s what would happen, just mentioning a possible thought on his end) I would suggest bringing up living together and marriage. Specifically why he''s afraid, it can be scary for him if you''re so excited about marriage and concentrate on only on the good, while he has legitimate concerns. The men I know want women who realize marriage is hard work and don''t just concentrate on the happy ever because marriages being 100% happy just don''t happen.

Anyway I want to also throw in a warm welcome

 

[SomeDay?]

We've talked about living together in the future. Both want to move to charleston in a year or two. and the bill thing i can pay bills, I just mean i can afford to live alone. (his rent is so not that much) Right now i don't live with him and we split some of the uilities like lights and cable and road runner. but I only did that b/c he was living alone and had no roommate and had hopes of living there myself someday! (helped him fix it up, bought all the plates and pots and all that crap) so i was ok with, now this friend is staying with him not paying anything might i add. but he won't say anything becuae a few years ago he went stay with his friend down in fl. but they was only for a 3 week vaction. I think he has more then paid him back after 5 months...but whatever. I've brought up the marriage only once (sorry but i don't want give him the marry me or I'm leaving thing) and that was just a few months ago. But as most would know after you been dating awhile sll married friends you know throws out "so when are you two kids getting married" (god i really hate that by the, i just throw out the "when are you gonna have kids"} and i just don't say anything and he just kinda gives a nervous little laugh......what does that mean. But to go back to the money question. I'm starting to save up money. And plan on getting a second job to help pay off credit and safe up for a down payment someday on a house. I would just be happy if he brought up the living together thing. And sad to say that i get really upset sometimes about the fact that his friends see more of him then i do....oh blah

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hi Waiting,

I am going to impart the only wisdom I have when it comes to this situation upon you...

You cannot judge the value of your relationship by the timeline of anyone elses. Each and every relationship is on it''s own special path...engagement, marriage, children, or whatever...and no matter what future your relationship is destine to have, it will happen. But, you cannot rush these things. Right now, you''re building a foundation for the rest to be structured upon. It''s like building a house, per say. Without this time of courting and romancing and getting to know each other, you won''t have the stability to "grow" the rest. Just like a house without a foundation will crumble...or, at least it will not stand the test of time. Some people build faster than other, thats just life.

So, you need to take a deep breath and allow yourself to simply enjoy the relationship you''re involved in right now. Soon enough life will pile up, you be celebrating an engagement and wedding and marriage and children and the just the plain old day to day operations of joining two lives, and eventually you''ll look back upon this much simplier life and actually find yourself missing it. So please remember, this isn''t a race--do not rush it.

Also, with the holidays approaching, most LIW getting the engagement bug...please try to stay focused on the fact that even if he doesn''t purpose that doesn''t mean he doesn''t love you or want to be with you...an engagement ring isn''t a Christmas gift, it''s the promise of a lifetime spent together--and there shouldn''t be an ounce of pressure to commit to that just because you''ve the jewelry stores are having big sales.

 

[waitinlady]

Thanks for your responses. I''ve heard people say in this and other posts that getting engaged is not a race, I completely agree but I''d like to try and explain where I''m coming from. I was in a much longer relationship thru highschool and college of about 6 years. An engagement didnt come of it and it didnt matter cause i never wanted it. One day I realized I stayed out of comfort and nothing more. I learned from that, that I would never waste that much time on something that wasnt real and I hope no one would do that to me ethier. I was young and it was a learning experience. My current realationship is different, I''ve known from the begining that he''s my soulmate and I cant wait to marry him and call him my husband (see next post)

 

[purselover]

Hi Waitin, just wondering are you upset b/c you''re not sure if he ever will propose, or are you just worried it won''t be as soon as you''d like, b/c I think there''s a very big difference between the two. Have you discussed at all why you''re not engaged? If you don''t have a clear understanding of why you''re not engaged yet when you would like to be that must be really hard. My only advice is to keep the lines of communication open, engagements are supposed to be happy times, and when your time comes you don''t want it clouded with resentment b/c you wanted it to happen sooner

 

[waitinlady]

So for me its not about a length of time, its the fact that i feel so strongly about wanting this yet my so may not be quite there yet. thats what hurts when i see other couples get engaged so soon. I think ''wow he couldnt wait to make her his wife''. so why isnt my guy there yet? we live together as if we ard married, have good jobs and money saved. Dont mean to sound like a downer, I have alot to be thankful for in my life and this relationship. Just wanted to explain where I''m coming from. It''s not about a length of time but how you feel in your heart.

 

[tessari]

Date: 11/11/2008 1:59:48 PM
Author: waitinlady
So for me its not about a length of time, its the fact that i feel so strongly about wanting this yet my so may not be quite there yet. thats what hurts when i see other couples get engaged so soon. I think 'wow he couldnt wait to make her his wife'. so why isnt my guy there yet? we live together as if we ard married, have good jobs and money saved. Dont mean to sound like a downer, I have alot to be thankful for in my life and this relationship. Just wanted to explain where I'm coming from. It's not about a length of time but how you feel in your heart.

I see what you're saying and I am in the same position as you (ages, length of relationship, living together)...I tend to feel frustrated when an acquaintance gets engaged after not being together as long and just feel like sometimes I don't understand why are we waiting so long when our relationship is solid, we are financially stable, done with school, I own our condo. I feel this frustration even tho I already know that he'll propose in Jan/Feb/March 2009..But I know that my BF is absolutely terrified of divorce...both of our parents are divorced and he thinks the longer the wait the less chance there is that we will end up like our parents... I am not sure I agree with him 100% but I guess I feel good knowing that he picked a time to get engaged that he is comfortable with and not something I pressured him into.

But anyway, I think it's good that you have a plan to wait for him to do it on his own, and then if he doesn't talk to him sometime early next year about where he sees things going. I know that the wait isn't fun, and I struggle with it all the time...I just take it one day at a time, I started a count down and that helps; maybe if you have a set date in mind that you'll talk to him it will feel like you are more "in control" of the situation.

 

[waitinlady]

Hi purslover. I do worry sometimes that it may never happen. I may be worried for no reason but from the time he told me he almost proposed and changed his mind because planning a wedding is alot of work the only timeline I''ve heard from him is ''it''ll happen someday'' The fact that I''ve been living with him as a ''wife'' for so long makes me sad. Has he decided he has everything he wants and doesnt really need that commitment? I really think he does want that commitment but those thoughts still run through my head. Until the day he gets down on one knee all those ''somedays'' are just words. I guess what really got to me was one day he made that ''why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'' comment referring to another couple in a similar situation. Now dont get me wrong, my bf has always been a sweetie to me and I know he didnt mean it to be hurtfull to me. Still it makes me wonder, could he feel that way about us.

 

[waitinlady]

Hi purselover. I do worry sometimes that it may never happen. I may be worried for no reason but from the time he told me he almost proposed and changed his mind because planning a wedding is alot of work the only timeline I''ve heard from him is ''it''ll happen someday'' The fact that I''ve been living with him as a ''wife'' for so long makes me sad. Has he decided he has everything he wants and doesnt really need that commitment? I really think he does want that commitment but those thoughts still run through my head. Until the day he gets down on one knee all those ''somedays'' are just words. I guess what really got to me was one day he made that ''why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'' comment referring to another couple in a similar situation. Now dont get me wrong, my bf has always been a sweetie to me and I know he didnt mean it to be hurtfull to me. Still it makes me wonder, could he feel that way about us.

 

[purselover]

Hi again waitin, you must have the patience of a saint! If SO told me he didn''t propose b/c weddings are hard work, I would''ve flipped out

I see where you''re coming from, if he''s afraid of the work that goes into weddings what about the work that goes into marriage??? The whole why buy the cow is such a cheap cop out. Honorable men buy the cow b/c they love them! However if he only said it once he hopefully only meant it as bad joke. (men tend to have a very different idea of what is amusing

)

I would flat out ask if the reason you''re not engaged is b/c he''s gotten too comfortable and no longer sees a need. Good luck!

 

[waitinlady]

So last night I go home determined to keep my LIWness at bay and enjoy the night. SO are talking about our day and he says his parents said they have some $ they''d like us to use to take some nice professional pictures. He''s like ''what for?'' and they say ''engagement pics'' he says ''ya maybe we''ll see'' and tries to change the subject with them. So he''s telling me this smiling and I just smile and change the subject. I know it was a good opening to talk timelines but at that point anything I said wasnt gonna be too nice haha. I''m thinking ''why are you telling me this? It''d be a cool story if you told them yes, but not that you ingored them!'' It got me thinking, hes a smart man so could he be that clueless to talk wedding ideas one week and say something like that the next? Or is this all part of some master plan and hes feeling me out? My LIWness started cause he always brings these things up, and I''d assume a guy who wasnt ready would do the opposite and avoid these conversations at all costs. Ahhh!

 

[waitinlady]

Purselover, I think you''re right and it was meant as a bad joke because I vaugely remember him saying it once before only he added ''I''m renting my cow to own''. I guess meaning working towards marriage (kinda cute) but I still hate that whole old saying.