Need advice...

[faded264]

Okay, so I need advice and I hope you all will understand.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. It hasn't always been perfect, and we've had our ups and downs, but I've always loved him. Around September of last year, I tried to talk to him about our future and where we were headed. He was the typical guy and avoided it. He never brought it up for the next two months. In November, I told him I really wanted to talk about it. So we had a discussion. Basically, it came down to me and him not wanting the same things at the same time. He said he didn't want to get engaged/get married/have kids as soon as I did. So I said I thought we should break up after we got back from vacation, as it was only like a few days away.

He agreed, we went on vacation, and I broke up with him when we got back. I think he was having second thoughts about it, and I don't think he expected me to do it so soon. I basically tried to not talk to him for the next month, while he did everything he could to talk to me. He told me we could get engaged soon, ect. He said he wanted marriage when I did. He went as far as emailing my mom about how desperate he was, saying he wanted to be engaged to me. I finally relented and talked to him and we ended up getting back together.

I had thought we agreed on getting engaged in the next 4 months (so by the end of May at the latest). He said he didn't want to talk about it for two months, as he just wanted to focus on our relationship. I said okay, but during that time, I got really anxious. I just kept thinking that he was using that as an excuse to put it all off. I tried to talk to him about it, and let him know that I really shouldn't have said we wouldn't talk about getting engaged. He would get frustrated that I was talking about it before we had agreed to. Well, one night, I just broke down and ended up crying.

He talked to me about it then, but he said he didn't think he wanted marriage as soon as I wanted it. So it's the exact opposite of what he had told me when we were broken up. I basically said that, and he got mad, saying I was calling him a liar. I'm not trying to call him a liar, but I feel like he said a lot of things when we were broken up that he hasn't necessarily followed through with.

His timeline is now between now and Christmas. Which is the same timeline it was before we broke up! Yes, I am anxious about the engagement, but I also feel like he got me excited about getting engaged, made me think it might be soon, made me think he had changed his mind.

By the way, we are young. Both 22. I know what most people will say, but I made it clear to him that I love him, and that I've always been the type to want to get engaged/married young. I've even changed my opinion of when I want to have kids. I've decided I want to wait a while. I'm graduating in December; he's graduating next May. Right now, I feel it's more of an issue of him not necessarily keeping his word.

Should I just shut up and wait? What should I do? We're happy otherwise, but this engagement thing is just a sore spot for us.

I just want to add that there are days when this doesn't bother me as much. Then there are days when I see others our age getting engaged, or hear his sister talk about her wedding (she and her bf got together a year ago, are already engaged, and will be married this summer) and it just drives me insane.

 

[iheartscience]

I was on your side until I got to the last couple of paragraphs. You're so young and you're still in college. You say you always wanted to get married and have kids young, but now that you don't even want kids any time soon, what's the rush? From your post it sounds like you're more worried about keeping up with your peers than your actual relationship. Life isn't a competition!

At 22, still in college, with a relationship that has had ups and downs and a boyfriend who isn't ready to get engaged, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. I think your boyfriend panicked when you broke up with him because he loves you, but you breaking up with him didn't make him any more ready for marriage.

I met my now-husband when I was 21 and we dated for 4 years before we got engaged, and then dated for 2 more years before we got married. I knew we would get married less than a year into our relationship, but I also knew we were both way too young to get married, so we just dated. We moved in together about 6 months before we got engaged, only because after talking with him I knew we'd be engaged within the year.

My advice: calm down! You'll get married eventually, maybe to this guy, maybe to someone else. (And if you wait several years I'd be willing to bet plenty of the people your age who got married will already be divorced!)

 

[decodelighted]

You can't debate someone into wanting to marry you. They either do or they don't. Do you really want to chase someone down the aisle? And make it about him "keeping his word" to you instead of about WANTING TO BE MARRIED. This is the type of thing that must make perfect sense at 22 but sounds INSANE to anyone over 40. (I'm just guessing! I'm over 40!)

Personally, I don't think this is about "keeping his word". What if you said you weren't ready for a baby but ooops. Should you "keep your word" and get an abortion? Or should you discuss the new circumstances. His new circumstances are HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO PROPOSE. Even though he thought he would. People are terrible about predicting what they'll want, when they'll want it. I'm not quite sure why you're asking him to. YOU ARE 22. You say you are the "kind of person who always wanted to marry young". Well ... too bad! I'm the kind of person who always wanted to be independently wealthy and famous. OOOPS! No guarantees!

What's the rush? Because OTHER PEOPLE are doing it you have to too. You're jealous? You want to hurry up with the next step of your life because you're scared of graduating and facing the whole wide world of choices etc....? Live with the discomfort. Its how you grow. If it's meant to work out with him. It will. If it's not. It won't. You don't have to know *this very minute*. NEWSFLASH -- he doesn't want to get married right now. Do you want to be married or be with him? There's no guarantee the next fella is going to wanna hitch up right away either. You're mad at him for changing his mind. You know what marriage is really about? Staying in love with someone you are FURIOUS AT*. Yup. That's most of it. In a nutshell. Now go practice. With him.


*Assuming you're not FURIOUS at him for being *abusive* to you in some way. That's a whole other deal. RUN from that shiz.

 

[HollyS]

Ummm, what's the hurry? Where's the fire? Why the NEED to get engaged SOON?

Bottom line is this: Do you love each other? You say you love him. He was beside himself when you broke up with him. That seems to indicate that he does, in fact, want you and probably loves you. Surely real love is worth waiting for. If you're willing to say yes when he does ask, what is the point of leaving a perfectly good relationship? Why does every young woman think she can plan every facet of her life down to when she gets engaged, when she marries, and when she has children? Guess what happens while you're busy making plans? Life happens. Start living in the present and throw away your agenda.

He is 22. Twenty-two. 2-2. Not yet ready. Not willing, right this minute, to make a commitment, of that magnitude, without feeling completely at ease with said commitment. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Nothing at all. It doesn't mean he's being dishonest with you, stringing you along, or going to eventually flake on you. He just isn't ready to be a husband and a father today. Or even tomorrow. But he hasn't said no to the 'down the road' eventuality of marriage with you.

So, unless this is symptomatic of deeper issues, which you've not divulged here . . . chill.

 

[suchende]

What has been said, I agree with, but also: you should not want to marry HIM yet! So much changed in that first year out of college. Find out what he is going to be, then. You want to know who he is going to become in the next two (highly volatile) years, because the person you love now might disappear and be replaced by someone you don't even like.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

If being married and having babies at a young age is a dealbreaker for you, then break up with the guy and move on. To someone older. A lot older.
Don't break up with him to force him to say what you want to hear, and then get back together with him hoping to get a proposal that way. Would you really want him to propose because you manipulated him into it, and not because he really wanted to? My guess is that even if he does put a ring on your finger, he will grow to resent you for it.
He will probably still take many, many years to get to a stage where he is ready for such a huge commitment. If you keep pushing and pushing for an engagement and babies, he will eventually be completely put off the idea of spending the rest of his life with you.
Do you want the guy, or do you want the stability and the diapers? Right now, you can't have it all, so you have to make a choice.
There is SO much time to get settled and have kids. Enjoy the present and stop being anxious about the future.

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Hi. A lot's already been said, so here's my $0.02:

He said Decemeber is his timeline? And he said that pre-break-up (i.e., when we can assume he was being honest)? So that's just a few months past May, and time flies, so I'm thinking if you love this guy and want to be with him forever, December shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Now, if come December he says "well maybe one more year," that's something to get upset over, but I do think you should at least give him until then. If he's truly as scared as he sounds, December is actually really soon.

If it helps, I always wanted to get married young, too. There was a super special guy in my life and I always thought we'd be married the moment we turned 18. But then that turned into 19, and then 20, and then-- it didn't work out. I then got into another relationship-- it lasted a few years and I thought we'd get married, but ex-SO was too scared to commit, so we broke up, and I thought "I never thought I'd be 22 and single, and not even feel like there's a chance I'll find love again" because I was SO upset over the break-up. I'll be 25 next month, current SO and I have been together for 2 years, live together, etc., and I know it will be a while before we have a commitment ceremony because we are in grad school (which = broke) and want to pay for it ourselves, and I can say now that I'm GLAD I have not been married yet. I know it sounds so cliche and I used to roll my eyes but people really do change through the young adult years. I suspect when I'm 28 I'll look back on 25 and see even more changes, especially as I (finally) finish grad school and move into a career. So as a previous poster said, expectations of when one will get married have no guarantee-- try to relax and enjoy what could possibly be your last few months of dating. Good luck to you.

 

[faded264]

Yeah, I understand what you all are saying.

I guess I was being ridiculous.

I didn't mention the friends getting engaged because I wanted to "keep up" with them, but because they have what I want.

Still, I understand, so I'm going to lay off of him.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I just want to add that there are days when this doesn't bother me as much. Then there are days when I see others our age getting engaged, or hear his sister talk about her wedding (she and her bf got together a year ago, are already engaged, and will be married this summer) and it just drives me insane.

Odds are that lots of folks getting married in your age group now will be divorced in just a few years. I'm not saying this to be negative, I just want to point out that you can't use other people's relationships as a barometer for your own.

Best of luck to you, and congrats on your upcoming graduation. Enjoy this exciting time in your life!

 

[bee*]

Enjoy the dating stage of your life. I met my DH when I was 17 and we didn't marry until ten years after that. We graduated college, set up our careers, travelled a huge amount and just had fun. Wait until you start working and getting careers and jobs in order, then think about settling down. As for wanting what your friends have, just because they're married it doesn't mean they have a better relationship. Focus on you and your bf and have the best relationship that you guys can have and marriage will come in time. Honestly at 22, marriage and babies were the last thing on my mind. If it were me, I'd wait till you're both qualified, have good jobs, spend a little money on yourselves with your first wage packets, and then after having some fun being independent and having money to do the things that you want, then think about settling down.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I'm just a couple of years older than you, but in a little bit of a different place..

I'll tell you that in the last 3 months, t-w-e-l-v-e women I knew from high school announced a separation or divorce. Twelve! All of them were married between the ages of 19 and 22.

I studied sociology in college, and one of the biggest reasons for divorce (other than money) is age. If you love him and are wanting to spend your life committed to each other, what is the harm in waiting? Stop pushing the poor guy. He obviously loves you if he's been sticking around, but he is not ready.

It sounds to me like you just want a ring and a big white dress.

 

[Winks_Elf]

My husband and I are both 41. We have 4 children, ages almost 5, 7, almost 11 and 13. We can't easily take a trip because of our family. My husband has to fly to San Diego tomorrow, and Vegas on Thursday. He wanted me to fly out there to meet him so we can have a small romantic interlude, but I can't. I work from home for Wink, and even though he'd happily say "go have fun with your hubby!", there is still the matter of 4 kids, and 3 dogs.

An engagement ring is nice, the attention everyone gives you when you get engaged is heady. The wedding is wonderful and will make you feel like queen for a day. BUT...a wedding is just one day. The real world will still be waiting for you when you come down from the clouds. I have two suggestions for you. The first is to just slow down. At 22 you are not the same person you will be at 25, 29, or 32. Enjoy your freedom, your youth, and just enjoy each other before the house payments, kids, car payments, and all the other responsibilities that come with age, marriage and family come along. Savor being able to say, "Let's drive to ______ this weekend and have fun." Right now, the two of you can go to a bar, get smashed, and sleep in the next morning without having to deal with kids screaming first thing in the morning. You don't even think about that right now. A lot of young people don't.

My second suggestion is to do some soul searching. Why are you in such a rush to get engaged? Why the rush to the altar? Are you afraid that it will never happen? Or are you afraid that he doesn't love you the way you think he should? He's only 22. Most guys can't decide what they'll have for dinner the next day, let alone be ready for a life-long commitment. Is it that you see friends getting pretty engagement rings and getting all the attention? Trust me - there's a reason there's a saying "Marry in haste, repent in leisure." You don't want him to propose because he feels pressure from you. That will only result in resentment from both of you. You want him to be at the point where he realizes that he's got the best possible partner in the world for him (YOU!), and he's ready to spend the rest of his life with you. If he's the right one for you, it will happen. Just let him get there on his own.

 

[MayFlowers]

You want him to be at the point where he realizes that he's got the best possible partner in the world for him (YOU!), and he's ready to spend the rest of his life with you. If he's the right one for you, it will happen. Just let him get there on his own.

I just have to agree with this quote. Enjoy the time you two have together as it sounds like this guy really does love you and wants to be with you. December, though it may seem like forever away, really isn't that long from now. It will be here before you know it.

My advice is do not focus on a hard timeline. He may or may not be ready by December. That is something that is very hard to predict for anyone. Do not count down the months and days to December expecting a proposal because it may end in disappointment. So, just have fun with him and enjoy the time you spend together now. You have the rest of your lives to be married.

 

[shihtzulover]

I haven't read all of the responses to this, but here is what I think:

I don't think that it was right of him to say that he wanted to get engaged to you, and then changed his story when you two got back together. Sure, you two are both young, and it's understandable that he may not be 100% ready, but that doesn't justify him playing with your head like that.

To me, it seems like he wants it both ways: he doesn't want to lose you, but he's not really serious about getting engaged, either. Since it means a lot to you, it's clearly an issue: especially because he said that it would be within a few months, and now he doesn't want to talk about it, and when he does, he says that it won't be anytime in the near future.

If I were you, I would probably just try to cool it off with him a little bit. If he's serious about you, then he can make his decision - and I wouldn't trust him to say that he will propose within a certain number of months, since that obviously didn't happen last time.

I wouldn't be cold towards him, or anything like that - I would just take a step back from the relationship, but still be pleasant and friendly.

Of course, you have to do what feels right to you. Good luck in however you decide to handle this!

 

[suchende]

I'd just like to clarify that I don't think it's that you're too young, necessarily, it's more a "place in life" thing that I think you should be concerned about. Everyone I know from college changed quite a bit in the last year of college/first two years out. They realized they were wrong about their career choice, realized they couldn't get the sorts of jobs they thought they'd be able to (there's no job listings for "Philosophers"?!), hated their first job when they thought they'd love it, realized they were gay, realized they hated the city they moved to, realized they wanted to go to grad school and be a poor student for another 10 years, etc, etc. Personally, I was in a "marriage track" relationship coming right out of school with someone who'd planned to go to law school. Things didn't work out, but he works in retail now, and I'm the one in law school. If you'd both been done with your schooling at 20 and were 22 now, I wouldn't automatically think you're not ready for this commitment, but as another poster alluded to, some part about this is probably your fear about the uncertainty and changes that are up ahead for you. I think you'd be better off changing your mindset from "I'm waiting for him to propose" to "I'm waiting to see if the people we will both be after graduation should marry each other."

 

[decodelighted]

I think you'd be better off changing your mindset from "I'm waiting for him to propose" to "I'm waiting to see if the people we will both be after graduation should marry each other."

BRILLIANTLY SAID!!!!!!! I wish this could be a sticky at the top of this portion of the forum.

 

[Indylady]

What's the big rush between May and December?

 

[Treasure43]

I agree with the other posters here about there being no need to rush but the part that stuck out to me was that when you two were broken up he said he wanted to get married sooner so you would get back together with him. That's the part I'm stuck on because I understand he's not ready and both you and he are in your early twenties. However, I think you did a brave thing to realize you weren't on the same page and break up with him. And then he comes back, says he's changed his mind, you two get back together, but then it comes out that he didn't really change his mind. To me that sounds like he said what you wanted to hear with no intention of following through on it so that you would get back together with him. Now that you're back together it's the same old story. It's perfectly fine to tell you SO you're not ready. However, I don't think it's okay to tell them what they want to hear just so they'll get back together with you, when you don't really mean what you said.

 

[princesss]

What has been said, I agree with, but also: you should not want to marry HIM yet! So much changed in that first year out of college. Find out what he is going to be, then. You want to know who he is going to become in the next two (highly volatile) years, because the person you love now might disappear and be replaced by someone you don't even like.

I haven't read past this post, so excuse me if I'm repeating something, but DITTO. Oh my goodness, DITTO.

My ex and I moved to the same city after graduation to give our relationship a shot in the real world. We were super in love, a great match, and completely expected to get married. Only, you know - we broke up. Turns out, in the real world (which is oh-so-very different from the college world), we weren't compatible. The fun guy he was in college? That was fine - IN COLLEGE. In real life, when he could cover his bills and save money, but never find a grown up job and really had no desire to do anything that wasn't *fun* while I busted my butt to get myself set up with a good company and climb the ladder? Not so fine. We got frustrated with each other, and in the end, I just couldn't stand it. He's a great guy, and I'm so grateful for the time I got with him, but I'm also grateful I was able to see the relationship for what it was and leave. We would have made each other miserable if we'd gotten married right out of college, and I'd probably be going through a divorce in the next few years.

Really. Give yourself some time after graduation. If he's not ready, he's not ready. The next few years will be hard enough without you pressuring him to make a HUGE commitment that he's just not ready for.

 

[faded264]

Thanks for all the responses.

I have thought about it, and I'm going to wait till he brings it up again. At least then I'll feel like we're talking about it because he wants to and is interested.

In the meantime, I'm going to take the poster's advice about taking a step back. I'm not going to be uncaring, but I realized I have made my whole life about him. I guess that's why I was so anxious to get engaged and married. It's not that I just wanted the ring and the wedding, I want everything. I have thought about married life, and I really do want all it entails.

But for now, I guess I'll just be independent till he decides he is ready. I've been considering getting an apartment after I finish school. I really would like to experience being on my own for a while. I've lived at home while I've been in school. I'm in nursing school now, so once I graduate I'll be making a pretty decent salary for a new grad and should be able to afford living in an apartment by myself. I guess it'll be a way to establish my independence, and get to know who I really am after school.

Anyway thanks for all the lovely advice. I'll probably be on this forum for a long time lol.

 

[sphenequeen]

I have thought about married life, and I really do want all it entails.

Oh, just you wait!

 

[swingirl]

I have not read all the replies. As a mother of a 21 year old male college student I have to say NO WAY would he be ready to get married or engaged or even think about it any time soon. And if he had a girlfriend who was pressuring him into setting a time-line (which he already said he wasn't ready for) I would tell him to run and keep running! I know I will get jumped on by those who say some 22 year old BOYS are ready to get engaged, but I haven't seen one yet. There is too much to do at that age and getting married is likely to prevent a person from growing up independently.

If your marriage time-line is soon you need to find another more mature man who is ready for a wife and family.

 

[Winks_Elf]

But for now, I guess I'll just be independent till he decides he is ready. I've been considering getting an apartment after I finish school. I really would like to experience being on my own for a while. I've lived at home while I've been in school. I'm in nursing school now, so once I graduate I'll be making a pretty decent salary for a new grad and should be able to afford living in an apartment by myself. I guess it'll be a way to establish my independence, and get to know who I really am after school.

EXCELLENT!!!

This is very, very positive. One of the very few regrets I have is that I didn't finish my nursing education. That one mis-step lead me down a very different path than what I wound up on. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am today...but I could have avoided so many detours in life if I had finished.

 

[DolceJo]

I just ended a 6 year relationship and engagement, and I remember those conversations (felt like pulling teeth) and here is my honest and heartfelt advice: If it doesn't come from the heart, it's not worth it. You always deserve the best - always.

Best to you <3

 

[katamari]

But for now, I guess I'll just be independent till he decides he is ready. I've been considering getting an apartment after I finish school. I really would like to experience being on my own for a while. I've lived at home while I've been in school. I'm in nursing school now, so once I graduate I'll be making a pretty decent salary for a new grad and should be able to afford living in an apartment by myself. I guess it'll be a way to establish my independence, and get to know who I really am after school.

You and your marriage will be better for this. I cannot think of a better thing any person can do for themselves than live independently.

 

[faded264]

But for now, I guess I'll just be independent till he decides he is ready. I've been considering getting an apartment after I finish school. I really would like to experience being on my own for a while. I've lived at home while I've been in school. I'm in nursing school now, so once I graduate I'll be making a pretty decent salary for a new grad and should be able to afford living in an apartment by myself. I guess it'll be a way to establish my independence, and get to know who I really am after school.

You and your marriage will be better for this. I cannot think of a better thing any person can do for themselves than live independently.

I'm actually getting really excited about living on my own. It could be as far as a year off, but may be sooner. I just like the idea of having freedom, a possible roommate, and room to make my own decisions, be independent, and grow.

I am so overprotected at my house it's not even funny. I really don't know how to do anything on my own. I know it sounds terrible, but it's hard to get away from it. If I say I want to do anything I don't normally do on my own, my brothers laugh at me, and I feel humiliated.

Anywayyy, so yeah, I'm excited. I've actually been thinking about things I want from my "future" apartment. Lol, does anyone else do this? I saw some really cute candle holders for only $5, and told him I was considering buying them and putting them away for my future apartment. My boyfriend thinks I'm weird. Maybe it's only a girl thing. Or maybe it's only a me thing haha. I also have Christmas ornaments stored away that I bought last Christmas because I really liked them and would like to have them for my future house. But it gives me something else to focus on, as the past few months I had been really, really antsy about engagement. Now it's not nearly as bad.

One other thing, I had decided I wasn't going to be as "available", and that I would hang out with friends more. Well, I guess this kind of transferred into how often I talked to him? Or maybe it was just because I was distracted and not thinking about him/engagement as much anymore. But, I hadn't texted him as much as I normally do. It's not like I was ignoring him, it was just way less than I usually do. He noticed. He told me last night that he might surprise visit me today, and he did. He showed up with flowers and ice cream (my favorite). I thought it was so sweet.

But yeah, that's about it for now. I guess this thread is kind of useless, as the problem has been resolved (at least for now). But I like talking to you ladies! You keep me sane and bring me back down to earth when I'm being ridiculous.

 

[Winks_Elf]

It is definitely NOT useless as you've gotten good advice, and have people sharing your excitement over your future apartment. Putting away those little $5 candle holders is not stupid. Ever hear of a hope chest? If there's a good sale on linens or towels, buy a nice set and put them away (some advice on sheets: get a high thread count! They get softer with every washing and last for decades!). Don't let anyone poo-poo your dreams of an apartment and independence. Take a cooking course, better yet take an accounting course! Knowing how to manage your money is crucial to being independence.

The normal and natural order of things in my mind is that we have to teach our children how to become independent, responsible adults. We raise them up, give them the education and skills they need to rely on themselves, and then they fly the nest. Our 10 and 13-year-olds are learning to cook, and my husband is teaching the oldest to work on the second generation Camaros with him. He's got him welding, using power tools, you name it! He's a great teacher to our children.

Feel free to come here and gush about your future apartment, or in the hangout section. It's great that you've got plans for your future, and especially that they do not hinge upon being engaged.

 

[faded264]

Sooooo.......

I haven't mentioned anything about marriage/engagement/ect to him in a while. Since at least the beginning of the month, which isn't really long, but is longer than I've lasted not talking about it before.

I feel good for not mentioning it, and for letting him be the one to bring it up, which he has!!!

Last weekend he text messaged me saying "Love you beautiful girl that I will marry one day!" It isn't anything new, as I know we're going to get married, but the fact that he brought it up and said it.....

Last night in the car, he jokingly said "You don't even want to get married anymore!" I said "Of course I do, just waiting on you." Then I teasingly said something like it may be a while, or who knows how long that will be. I really was teasing, it wasn't at all a way for me to make a snide comment (I actually didn't even think about it being interpreted that way till I sat down to write this). I'm fairly sure he knows that, as before I would get upset when it was brought up, but right now I'm at the point where I'm content with the relationship and we can talk about it jokingly. Anyway, he said "It may not be as long as you think." He joked about it happening soon (like after this week).

Sooooo, I'm really not sure what to think. He could have been joking when he made that comment, as the whole conversation was really lighthearted. All I know is I've really laid off pressuring him, I've put more effort into showing him that I love him, and also doing things that he enjoys more (like bike-riding and such), but also I've done more things for me, and haven't been as available (at least I haven't been texting him as much as I used to). I went out with some friends last weekend, and had a great time. He's been much more affectionate.

I'm still not expecting anything, and I'm okay if it doesn't happen soon.

But I would be thrillllllleeedddd if it does happen soon, as he's mentioned several times that it may happen way before Christmas!!!!! Just the fact that he's been bringing it up on his own makes me so, so happy.

I'm keeping my resolve to not mention it, and only talk about it if he brings it up.