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robbie3982

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 28, 2006
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The ff and I were planning on heading to NY this weekend (we live in OH) for my annual family reunion bbq. He''s only met my immediate family and one aunt, so this was to be my weekend to introduce him to everyone. I only see most of these people once a year and the others maybe twice a year, so it''s something that I really look forward to.

A few days ago we got a call from ff''s mom telling us that his grandmother (his last surviving grandparent) isn''t doing well and they don''t think she has much time left. Obviously this put everything up in the air with our weekend plans since his grandmother is in Pittsburgh which is about 8 hours away from where we were going.

Tonight we got another call from his mom. They had a nurse at the house today and they''re giving his grandmother 24 hrs
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. His mother said that if she passes away this weekend, they''ll have the viewing on Sunday and the funeral on Monday. So do you know what FF is concerned about? Me missing my family reunion bbq! He wants us to go tomorrow as planned and then if his grandmother passes away just come back earlier on Sunday than we''d planned. I''m so completely amazed that he''s thinking about me at a time like this. I really do have the greatest guy.

He says that he doesn''t really want to say good bye since they''re not really close and I do really want to go to the bbq. I feel like I should push him to go see his grandmother one last time, but I also really don''t want to go another year without seeing my family (last time I saw them all was at last year''s bbq). I have relatives in from Israel, and honestly with the situation over there I feel like I can''t take seeing them for granted. One of them is in the reserves and I''m absolutely terrified that he''ll be called up when they go back and something will happen to him.

FF suggested that he could stay and I could go, but I feel like I should be with him to support him in case his grandmother does pass away this weekend. I know I''d want him to be with me in that situation and I know that he''s trying to do what he thinks is best for me. I told him that I''m staying with him and that it''s up to him what to do. So, it looks like we''re going.

Do you think that it''s selfish that I really want to see my family (please be brutally honest)? I sort of feel like if he''s not going to go home if we stay this weekend until sunday, then what''s the point in not going? I really need some outside perspective here...
 
Robbie,

Well here's the thing, for me, viewings and funerals aren't necessarily to say goodbye. For me, I think of it ALSO as a way of showing respect and support to the people left behind. His mother, or his father who will most likely be grieving. So I definitely think he needs to be there. As for saying goodbye, I think that all depends on how close they are, if you feel that he might feel some grief/guilt about not being able to say goodbye later. Or if he's emotionally avoiding a sad event (just throwing that out there, because my boyfriend will try to avoid visiting graves etc., although after he's done it he feels a sense of peace after).

For me anyways, I think the very best thing to do would be for him to say goodbye to his grandmother and for you to go (and come back early if she does pass away to support him). Second best would be for both of you to go, and both of you return if she does pass away.

But it all depends on his relationship with his grandmother, parents, etc., so really hard to say what I would do in the situation.
 
I think I was a little unclear about what I meant about saying goodbye. I meant for him to actually go and spend time with her while she''s still here. We will both definitely be at the funeral no matter what. I completely agree that they''re about showing respect to the surviving family and I want to be there (I have spent as much time with his grandmother as he has since we started dating and I''m pretty sad that she won''t be there when we get married and that our future children will never meet her). I''m just not sure if I should "force" him to go see her while he still can because he might regret it later if he doesn''t. I know if I''d known with my grandparents that they didn''t have much time left I would''ve definitely wanted to say goodbye while i could.
 
I don''t think it''s selfish of you at all to want to see your family, especially if you only see them once a year AND they''re in the military. (Half of my family is in the Navy so I know how that goes.) From your post it sounds like your boyfriend really wants to be with you for this weekend. If it is important for your boyfriend to have you with him for his grandmother''s services, then you should be...I think it''s a great idea if you both go to the bbq and come home early should his grandmother pass. If it were me though, I''d want to be absolutely sure he does not want to stay home and wait. Just my .02. Let us know how it goes and I''ll be praying for her!
 
what would happen if you made a solo "appearance" at the family reunion then joined your hubby in pittsburgh?
 
He will have a lot of chance to spend time with your family in the future.

So I think he should spend the time left with his grandma... you can still go to your family bbq solo and just join him if the worst happens..
 
Robbie,

What part of Ohio are you from? I live near Cleveland.
 
I do not know what type of relationship they had, but once she is gone there is no way to re do these last days. I think it would be the right thing and be supportive to his folks to be there. Of course, there are people in a family that might not be wonderful and going to see them is not an option based on the past, but assuming this is not the case, i think that at some point later he might be sorry. Surely seeing your family would be amazing, but due to this, a family event like yours is something that can take place in some form another time, and hopefully he would be able to meet them at another time. It just seems to be one of those situations where doing the right thing is not necessarily the one that is the most appealing...,
 
I think that you should go to your family bbq and he should stay with his grandmother and if she does pass away then you can leave early and go down to the funeral. Your ff will have plenty of time to meet your family in the future but I think that its really important for him to spend some time with his grandmother before she passes away.
 
It seems like the consensus is that he should go see her while he still can, and that''s the gut feeling that I had too, but he says he doesn''t want to. Should I make him? How do I make him? We''re supposed to leave a bit after 2pm today for NY.

IrishAngel- Thank you very much for keeping her in your prayers
ladykemma- I could go to the bbq by myself and meet the ff later in pittsburgh, but I feel like I should be there to stand by him and support him the whole time. So, if he goes early, I really do want to be there for him.
bobacha- That was my initial thought too, but then I thought, who really knows how much time we have left with anyone? Some of my relatives are getting pretty old and my one cousin is in the Israeli army reserves and could be called up to fight at any time.
biokatie- We live just outside of Youngstown in Austintown, but we''re actually both from the Pittsburgh area
diamondfan- They don''t have a bad or strained relationship, they were just never very close. FF swears, though, that even if we don''t go to NY he won''t go out to Pittsburgh until the viewing and funeral which means that we''ll just be sitting around waiting for the call and still wouldn''t go out until Sunday which is when we''d go out even if we went to NY.

FF says that he has a really weird way of dealing with death. I''m just not sure if I should push him to go see her when he''s saying that he doesn''t want to. Thank you for all of the advice everyone.
 
Robbie,

I would suggest it gently to him, maybe say that it would be good to see her and talk before she passses away. Or that it might be a comfort for her to see her grandson, and feel him around her before she leaves. Having been present just before people pass away, I find that some are quite pleased to see family and friends, even if they weren''t close.

I think many people are uncomfortable with death. I find the actual moments before, and around the passing are the hardest for the family and friends emotionally. The waiting is especially hard. My boyfriend''s mother was at her brother''s bedside when he passed away, and although it was really tough emotionally, she said it was a special blessing to be able to accompany him on his final journey. I thought that was a beautiful way of thinking of it.
 
While I know I''m chiming in too late, and the decision has been made... I just wanted to say that I have never once regretted not going to see my grandfather and saying goodbye. It wasn''t just being uncomfortable with death, it was that I wanted to remember him when he was full of life. I wanted to remember the hugs, his keen wit, and his dreadful puns. I wanted to remember the sparkle he always had in his eyes. I didn''t want to remember him the way he was as his body followed his mind into oblivion. I''m sure my grandmother wished I had visited, but she also understood why I didn''t. In a way, I think she appreciates the fact that I''m one of the few family members who remembers him with joy as a strong man rather than with sorrow as a shell of what he had once been.
 
Hey Robbie~
I don''t know how you can make your boyfriend visit his grandmother. I think if you tell him all of our stories and how it would mean a lot to her it might help. Good luck sweets!
 
I''m sure that together the two of you will be able to make the right choice. I think I agree with the others in that you should plan to attend your reunion and then either A) he can attend with you and you can both leave if she passes away or B) he can stay with his grandmother and you can join him if she passes away.

He may have good reasons for not wanting to see her though. Some people would simply rather not see their family members weak and in pain and near death. There are plenty of people who would prefer their last memories of someone be something that does not involve a hospital bed and tubes and IVs and machines. And if they aren''t close anyway, it may be easier emotionally for him to stay away. I know if it were me I would feel completely uncomfortable and out of place to be at the death bed of someone I did not know well--realative or not. I do think it is important that he be at the funeral to show his support and love to family members who WERE close to her. I think in this case his pressence at the funeral seems more important than his being there while she slips away.

Just make sure that you tell him you want him to be honest about what he wants to do.

And it is NOT selfish of you to want to see your family. You have family members who are in potentially dangerous situations themselves. I feel like you can both go to see your family and be there to support his if you are willing to do all that traveling.
 
Thanks everyone so much for the advice! We did end up going to NY, and after 8.5 hrs of driving (it should''ve only taken 7) we are here as I''m typing this.

We talked about everything again before we left and it seems that Fancy and Indy got it right, he''s very uncomfortable with death and said he would feel like he was in the way. He also said he doesn''t want to be there when she dies because this is not how he wants to remember her.
 
robbie, knowing that he deals with things in a different way, then I would follow his lead. If he truly tells you he would not go prior to the funeral, than I think you clearly have an answer there. I am sure his family knows how he feels. As long as he has told them what he is thinking and there will be not hurt feelings regarding his actions, I think it is fine to go to the bbq together, and then you go with him back to his family when needed. I am sorry for all this and hope she is not suffering. You have certainly thought this out and tried to be fair, and he is being very clear about how he wants to proceed. I will hope it all turns out as well as can be expected.
 
my brother was the same way... He left for vacation when my grandma was dying. He knew she would pass while he was gone but he doesn''t deal well with death. He''s been like that with pretty much everyone that has passed in our family. He doesn''t go to the hospital either to visit. I don''t think he is comfortable with seeing them in that way, remembering them like that. That is okay... people deal with things in their own way. Just be there for him if he needs you.. good luck
 
Thanks everyone for all of the advice! Ff''s grandmother passed away today as we were driving home from NY
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. His mother said that she went peacefully, though, so I suppose that is a blessing.

I''m really glad that we ended up going to the bbq. We had a really good time and I think it would''ve been awful to just sit around waiting for her to pass.

It looks like the funeral will be this week some time. I always feel so awkward at funerals. I never know what to say. Do you think "I''m so sorry for your loss," is sufficient?
 
Yes, I think that is a very easy thing to say. Honestly, I think most people feel like they do not know what to say to the family and friends, it is never easy, even if the person lived a full life and lived to a ripe old age. Since you did not know her, you could add, "I heard what a great lady she was'''' or something to that effect, without making too much of it...just a nice comment about her that you might have heard from your guy. Even when this is expected it still is somewhat of a shock if that makes sense...but I am glad she did not appear to suffer and that you could attend your event and now can face the funeral with your guy and be a support to him.i
 
Having lost several family members, I do know that it doesn''t really matter what people say. The fact that people are making an effort to be there and support you through loss is all that really matters. I think people understand when you don''t know what to say. It''s hard to know.

But you can''t really go wrong with, "I''m sorry for your loss"

If I know the family members of the person who passed away well, I just give them a hug and don''t really say anything. Sometimes that says it all.

Maybe a "let me know if I can do anything for you" would be nice.

Or a nice, "I''ll be keeping you in my thoughts" or "prayers" depending on whether the family is religious or not.
 
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