Need Advice

[Moonla7]

So I moved in with my BF in August and my famliy has not spoken to me since then b/c they do not approve of my decision...they are extremley conservative Catholic. I finally emailed them yesterday because life is just too short to be estranged from your family. I thought maybe over the past couple months they had come to accept the fact that their 26 year old daughter had made her own decision to move in with her boyfriend of 2 years. So they replied this morning, and they want to go to family counseling. There was no apology or "we see where you are coming from, lets just agree to disagree". My gut feeling is that they want me to go to counseling with them b/c they think that living with my BF is a problem and that hopefully a therapist will help me understand that. I dont get it...I am an adult, I am in a loving relationship, I am making the best decision I can for me....what is there to talk about? Am I wrong? How would you feel? What would you write back to them? They havent financially supported me since I was 18, I have been living on my own since I was 18, I have a great job, wonderful friends, incredible boyfriend....family counseling just seems a little wierd to me when Idont feel like I am the one with the problem.


I am so confused. Thankfully my boyfriend''s family is so amazing and supportive. I know he is proposing in the next couple months and it makes me sad to think that my family is not happy for me. I think they want me to stay their little girl forever. Any advice from ladies who have had to do the whole wedding thing without their family?

 

[mimzy]

ick, that''s a tough situation. i''m sorry they aren''t supporting you like you would like.

you say that you think it is so that you can see the error of your ways, so to speak. but maybe not? maybe they don''t feel equipped to talk to you and honestly want to try to work it out? this is probably something that they''ve been thinking about for a long long time and they obviously jumped at the chance to bring it up.

i guess it depends on the type of people they are. i''d be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt and go. unless the therapist is their parish priest, i think it might be a good way to get things out in the open with a nonbiased mediator.

good luck!

 

[robbie3982]

I''m sorry you''re in this situation

.

I agree with Mimzy. I think you should go as long as the therapist is going to be an unbiased one. Perhaps, he/she will get your parents to see the error of their ways.

 

[Erin]

I agree. Go.
If you are comfortable with your decision then you have no need to be ashamed or defensive.
At the end of counseling maybe you''ll just agree to disagree which is what you want anyway - any everyone will be talking again.
Do it for that reason.

 

[largirl]

I know my mom was disappointed when I moved in with my BF of 2 years (we''ve now been together for 6.5), but I''m so very lucky that she''s amazing and supportive. If only all moms and families could be this way!

I would consider going to a therapist with them ONLY if it was truly a neutral party. That is - don''t go if it''s your family''s priest. You want to make sure you get a fair viewpoint. This is coming from a Catholic, and unless you have a very, very chill priest chances are he''ll side with your mom.

I would also think about telling your mom that you are planning on getting engaged in a few months if you haven''t already. Knowing that it''s going to be "official" soon might help her feel more comfortable with it.

Finally, if either you decide not to do therapy or it doesn''t work out the way you want, I would write a very loving letter back to your mom saying something like, "Mom, I love you so much and it hurts me that we''ve become separated over this situation. I love Mr. Moonla and I''m very happy with him, and we''re planning on getting married soon. Having your support and love during this time is very, very important to me. I know you''re disappointed that I chose to go this route in live, but as I said I''m very happy and I''m asking you to put aside your difference of opinion and work on bringing our relationship closer together again. Doing this doesn''t mean you have to approve of us living together - I''m just asking you to love me despite that."

All that aside, she''ll come around once you do get married and are "official" and therefore it''s okay live together according to her religion.

 

[neatfreak]

Go to the therapist as long as the "therapist" is NOT a member of their church! It could be good for everyone, and an unbiased good therapist will not try to convince you that you''re wrong.

Also, if you guys are getting engaged soon, that might actually make things better because then you aren''t "living in sin" anymore. It smoothed things over between a few people I know and their parents...

 

[Sabine]

I feel for ya! Both my parents and FI''s parents had issues with us moving in together 2 years ago, and his parents still avoid the whole subject (they practically pretend we don''t live together). I''m still grateful that it didn''t turn out worse. I think it''s a good sign that your parents are willing to make some effort, and a counselor might really be able to help (agreeing with teh others that it does have to be neutral though). Did you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you could openly talk about things before the whole moving in together, or they like my "hold everything in, don''t stir the pot, only talk about thigns that are unoffensive" family? If so, hopefully the counselor will help them work through their issues. If you did have an open, communicative relationship, why not ask them flat out what they plan on getting out of the counseling before you agree to go?

 

[surfgirl]

First of all, I''d tell them what you told us:

"I am an adult, I am in a loving relationship, I am making the best decision I can for me....what is there to talk about? They havent financially supported me since I was 18, I have been living on my own since I was 18, I have a great job, wonderful friends, incredible boyfriend...."

To me that says it all. It smells like this is the last thing they can try to control you with. That''s sad...

I agree though, go to counseling ONLY if YOU want to salvage the family relationship and ONLY if they allow YOU to select the counselor...otherwise I smell a very unethical Catholic Church "intervention" and that would be an unfortunate experience for you to have to deal with. I dont know if I would go if it was me...I''d be pretty pissed at them.

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others-as long as it''s an unbiased therapist, then I would go. If it''s a member of their church, I wouldn''t.

 

[ringster]

i agree with everyone too - go to counseling if it is an unbiased counselor.

i had probs with my mom (awhile ago) and asked her to go talk to someone about some things and she did except she went to her priest!! not exactly what i was thinking and i should have been more explicit b/c the issues were things the priest (her friend) would be a bit biased about and so the counseling basically did nothing except make her feel that she was aok.

when i moved in with a bf long time ago, i was the first in my family to do so and my parents (irish catholic) were really really upset. it took them a good 6mos to come to terms with it but it was difficult period. i''m a pretty stubborn and independent person so i didn''t given them any room for negotiation - i basically announced it.

but i can understand you wanting to meet them halfway or extend yourself to them because they are your family. it''s admirable that you want to reach out to them but take care of yourself and your relationship too! you are an adult now and they are not supporting you so they have to learn to respect you even if they don''t agree to your choices.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m afraid this is one of the many times I get majorly annoyed with religion.

If your parents feel ''living in sin'' is bad - that''s fine for them and they can live that way, it doesn''t mean you have to.

My parents were thrilled when I moved in with FI (3 months after we met). They also know that I do exactly what I want anyway.

Personally, I would only go to counselling if the counsellor was secular and unbiased in order to help them understand that their beliefs have no place in my life decisions and that they need to realise that I am a responsible adult who can choose for herself.

Why exactly are they so annoyed? Is it what friends and neighbours might say? Or is their some law or other that says you go to hell if you live with someone before marriage?

 

[Tuesday]

I''m going to go against the crowd here and advise against going to the therapist. If you yourself had suggested a therapist then it would be a different matter - but this is just another way your parents are trying to tell you what to do. If you go to a therapist at their behest then you''re giving them back that power over you.

Tell them that if they feel they will benefit from counseling in order to learn how to get over their problems and communicate with you in a loving manner again, that''s wonderful. But you don''t need counseling. You''re not the one with problems - they are. Don''t let yourself get sucked into feeling guilty for living your life in a way that you choose.

They are the ones who chose to have a problem and chose to stop speaking to you - so they are the ones that need therapy to work through their issues. You seem to be doing just fine.

I kind of get what you''re going through. My mom has borderline personality disorder. My entire life, she''s alternated between pushing us away and trying to suck us back in through guilt trips. But it''s never been about what is good for us, or what will make us happy or healthy - it''s all about her need for power and attention. If she can''t have us fawning all over her, then she will get attention by being the persecuted martyr, that poor woman whose children don''t love her. It sounds on the surface that you''re going through something similar. You can''t let your parents tell you how to live your life, and as much as it hurts there comes a time when you just have to choose yourself over them. Know that they love you in their own way, but love them and love yourself enough to pursue a happy healthy life (even if it means they are not in it).