need advice

[waitingtoexhale]

Hey everyone! I have been lurking for a while, and appreciate all the great advice that is given out. My problem is weighing so heavy on my mind that I decided to register. Here is my deliemma. My boyfriend and I are on the verge of getting engaged. And by on the verge, I mean he has moved to my town, we have looked at rings, he has moved in with me, and the only thing left is for him to properly ask. Which he keeps saying is ging to happen very soon (he is all about surprising me). Well anyway, my baby brother got engaged New Year''s Eve....and he and his girlfriend haven''t been dating as long as we have...they started dating a few weeks after us. So anyway, he gets engaged (on the night I was hoping to) and now my family is all about them. To make matters worse, I have always dreamed about a Jan/Feb wedding, and the future sister in law tells me tonight that they are going to be married the first of March in the same church I was planning on!! I had come to grips that I was going to have to share 2008 with my brother and future sister in law, but now it seems like everything I have been planning in my head all this time is being ripped out from under me. Oh, and I am almost 31, and she is 24. Am I being stupid? Over reacting? Am I jsut jealous that this younger girl is living out what I have been hoping for? I have already told my future fiance'' not to propose within the next month so they can have their time to shine without us announcing too, but am I going to have to play second and put everything on the backburner my whole engagement and theirs? Please advise?

 

[MissErin]

Well I think you are doing what most of us in the same situation would do - you''re upset. It''s hard to be overshadowed, especially by family and sometimes it can cause a lot of hard feelings. I think the best advice is to really take yourself away from the situation as much as possible. Just know that even though their wedding will be lovely, yours will be amazing too. Besides, getting married is not all about the wedding, it''s about being with the man you love for the rest of your life. Focus on that - as hard as it may be. Just know that your brothers fiance isn''t doing it to hurt you or spite you (I hope) but maybe is doing it because she admires you and your choices. In a small way it seems to me like she looks up to you and the way you want to have your wedding. I really think if you just take a few steps back, think about it, and know that your wedding will be BEAUTIFUL it may help in the long run. This isn''t something that will just go away over night but it will be less tough to handle with time.

 

[MissErin]

Oh goodness - before I forget...

 

[waitingtoexhale]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helped to put things into perspective. It all comes down to I am going to marry the man of my dreams, such a wonderful, amazing man, and that is so much more important than any wedding.....but since I am THE LAST one of all of my friends to get married, and they are always telling me how great I have been and patient, I need to remember that patience, and even though I was finally going to get my turn, and I will now have to share it with someone else, I will be marrying for the right reasons, not for the party. Its still fusterating!

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/5/2008 9:54:48 PM
Author: waitingtoexhale
Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helped to put things into perspective. It all comes down to I am going to marry the man of my dreams, such a wonderful, amazing man, and that is so much more important than any wedding.....but since I am THE LAST one of all of my friends to get married, and they are always telling me how great I have been and patient, I need to remember that patience, and even though I was finally going to get my turn, and I will now have to share it with someone else, I will be marrying for the right reasons, not for the party. Its still fusterating!

Yes it is VERY frustrating!! And I don''t blame you for being upset - like I said earlier, I think I would too. We all get ourselves (for the most part) snagged on details we consider IMPORTANT but later, while looking back we giggle at. This may be one of those times. (only you can decide that) When I first came on here all I cared about was the ring, proposal, and wedding. Then by reading the threads and seeing the different points of view I learned it''s not about the ring, proposal, or wedding... It''s about being with the man I love for the rest of my life. Everything else will work itself out and time will fade the frustrations but luckily in the end you get to be with your husband forever.

So be annoyed and frustrated as much as you want - you have EVERY right. But then decide to let it fade and focus on your relationship with your soon to be fiance.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, what's done is done, and it's not your SIL's or your brother's fault. I can still understand your disappointment. Miss Erin is right that ultimately, it's most definitely about the marriage. Still, if you've been thinking about a wedding, and waiting so long, I can understand why you feel a little deflated. However, now the question is this:

What are you going to do about it?

By which I mean, there is nothing you can do to change the fact that planning a wedding will be something your brother is also doing this year. And there is nothing you can do about your SIL wanting to get married in the same church (but isn't it actually quite lovely for a whole family to marry in the same church? particularly generation to generation?). So, you now have a choice. You can indulge your disappointment and feel sad. OR you can get creative and vow to yourself that you will have a good time planning this wedding regardless.

It is OK if some things are similar between your weddings. A wedding isn't a show. It's a marriage and a party. The marriage ceremony is obviously in some ways always the same, and in some ways completely unique. And as for the party... well, every time I go to my friend M's place for a party, it's basically the 'same' party, and every time, it's FUN. See?

Alternatively, why not think outside the box (much as I hate that phrase) and come up with something exciting and totally different for the party. How about a destination wedding? What about having the party somewhere really unconventional? A museum? A barn (like Deco)? Why not shake it up a bit and make it really 'you'?

Anyway, just some thoughts, but the key thing is to keep in mind that what happens in life you cannot control. All you can control is how you react to what happens. Now is when you choose whether you are going to be upset about it or make the best of it, even turn it into an opportunity to push your party-planning imagination to the limits. N.B>, just be careful not to turn it into a competition.

 

[MissErin]

Independant Gal - I love reading what you have to say because it is so right on and insightful!! Something all of us can learn from and understand. Nice work.

Adding to what she has to say, why not ask what your boyfriend has in mind for the wedding. Maybe he can shed light on a new idea or concept that you haven''t thought of quite yet. This may help you change your mind on the wedding plans and may help you bond even more with your soon to be fiance.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think once you get engaged you''ll be surprised at how all this dissapointment you are feeling now will go away. Your family will be just as happy for you, as they were when your younger brother got engaged. So they are getting married at the same church. It''s all about your personal touches.... Something that is uniquely you and your FF.... I''d keep the focus on the fact that you have found a wonderful man, that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

[waitingtoexhale]

Thank you!!! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear! I have been so worried about not raining on their day, that I have failed to see the big picture. I was woried what people would think if we got married a few weeks apart, especially since I am abviously getting engaged after them now, and will prob. end up married before them. Then my thinking sno-balled into, the people that would throw them parties, would throw us parties, my parents would be overwhelmed....and well, everyone can just deal with that like I am dealing with this. You put things totally into perspective! So, I choose to react happily, and positive. I am truly so happy for my brother. He has found himself a tremendous girl. And I need to just take whatever comes my way and control my reactions. I can''t thank you enough, I really feel so much better than I did earlier tonight!

 

[princesss]

So, if they got married in March, why couldn''t you get married in early January? I honestly don''t see the problem as long as there are more than 4 or 5 weeks in between the weddings so that people don''t feel like they have to choose between the two. I''m pretty sure there have been some ladies on here that dealt with family members having weddings within a few weeks of each other. I think Robbie''s cousin got married about 4 weeks before Robbie, so you could search to see how things worked for her.

As far as what you''re feeling, I''d say it''s totally normal. I don''t think you have to put everything you want on the backburner. I would possibly mention something to your brother once you get engaged, just so there''s open communication between you two. But only you know if that will help.

Best of luck.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/5/2008 10:35:15 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I think once you get engaged you''ll be surprised at how all this dissapointment you are feeling now will go away. Your family will be just as happy for you, as they were when your younger brother got engaged. So they are getting married at the same church. It''s all about your personal touches.... Something that is uniquely you and your FF.... I''d keep the focus on the fact that you have found a wonderful man, that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Ditto...

I''m glad to see you''re feeling better about the situation, WTE. Everything will turn out fine I swear!

Congrats on your upcoming engagement!

 

[chocolatefudge]

Waitingtoexhale, I understand how you feel I''m not going to go on and on about, "Why are you jealous?" "You should be happy for your brother!" "Why can''t you both get married in the same year?" You KNOW all that! It''s human nature to feel a little jealous, especially when you have been waiting longer to get engaged and have planned what you wanted and then someone gets there first.
I know others may shout me down and say it''s not a race and I know that, I''m just trying to say that I''m sure everyone can relate to how you''re feeling and I think here is the best place to express your feelings as you can offload how you feel without upsetting anyone.
I can tell from your tone that you ARE very happy for your brother and I hope you both have beautiful weddings and happy marriages

 

[BriBee]

First, I just want to say that I think it''s nice that you want your brother and FSIL to have their moment, and are willing to put off your own impending proposal for this reason. Second, I wouldn''t be too worried about her wanting to get married in the same church as you. In fact, I''ve been to the weddings of 4 out of the 5 daughters of my godparents, and all of them have been similar whether it was at the same church or the same reception site etc...In a way, I thought it was nice that they had a family tradition of sorts, and that the sisters got married in similar locations. Also, my FI''s family has a tradition of getting married at this little mission near us, and then having the reception at a nearby ranch. We won''t be doing this because it''s not my style, and the church can''t accomodate our guest list, but I still like the sense of tradition it instills. Finally, and I could be wrong about this, but my experience has been that when a son gets engaged, although it''s very exciting for the parents, it''s not quite the same as when the daughter gets engaged. This is partly due to the old tradition of the bride''s parents paying for and planning the wedding etc....but I have seen mother of the bride be much more involved in the wedding than mother of the groom. With that being said, I don''t think you should worry about all the attention being on them or your own proposal/wedding planning getting lost in the mix. No matter what, it''s going to be a very special and amazing time for you and your whole family, and you should enjoy every minute of it. It can also be fun to have someone close to you engaged and planning at the same time. My best friend is engaged and we''re having a blast doing things together and calling eachother for advice etc...We will have very similar guest lists and our weddings may be anywhere from 4-12 months apart (hers being first) but I''m not worried about anything being taken away from my day, if anything, it''s just more fun and parties in a short amount of time (and our friends like to party!)

 

[bee*]

I think it''s only human to feel a little upset about it-I''d be the same. I agree with all the others though in that although they might both take place in the same church, the details will be very different. It will also be great that you can talk to your FSIL about wedding things, go look at dresses together etc.

 

[diamondringlover]

When I got engaged both of my sisters got engaged as well, it was on Christmas, we ended up planning our weddings together, we had a triple wedding, it was very unique and cool, but sometimes I do miss the fact that "our day" isnt just our day, I share it with my sisters, that was almost 25 years ago, I really dont care one way or the other anymore, lol, me and my younger sister are still married to the same people, my older sister got divorced and is now remarried.

 

[designchica]

I say let go of your dream for a Jan/Feb. wedding and get excited about a Spring or summer wedding instead. Visit Theknot website and starting browsing some spring/summer wedding themes and get yourself exited about it!!