need advice

[Kem]

Hi everyone, I haven''t been posting for awhile and a lot has happened. My boyfriend proposed last week! The proposal was perfect, the ring is perfect, and the whole thing just made me so happy. I called my parents and, although they were shocked at first, they love my boyfriend and they are both really happy for us. Now, if only that were the end of it. This is my problem and it is why I have come to the LIW forum to ask advice- I have gotten good advice from you in the past, as well as encouragment, and I feel like some of you have had some similar experiences.

He has not told his parents yet. They have not exactly been fans of mine in the past. Although we have never been anything but civil, even friendly, to each other in person, they have given my boyfriend a lot of grief about this relationship and said really hurtful things about me to him. I know they aren''t going to be happy about the engagement, but I still want them to know, I feel as if it isn''t real, isn''t official, if they don''t know. Plus, I am just really anxious about their reactions. He has not even told them that he was thinking about proposing. Now my boyfriend and I, who should be celebrating our engagement, are fighting over this. Maybe it is not my place to push him but he doesn''t even seem to understand why this is so important to me and I can''t seem to explain properly. I love my boyfriend and, as long as he is happy, I can deal with the fact that his family and I will never be close. But I would rather know what their reaction is rather than keep it a secret. He is still in school so his parents have a good deal of financial control over his life, as they are paying tuition and in they have been more than willing to exercise that control when my boyfriend doesn''t do exactly what it is they want him to. I have yet to see him stand up for himself, which only adds to my fear. I can''t celebrate and be 100% happy the way I want to be right now until I know how they have reacted and know that my boyfriend is still happy with his decision.

Am I being unreasonable in pushing him to tell his parents? Would you feel like an engagement is "official" if both sets of parents don''t know? Sorry for the long post but this is just eating me up inside when all I really want to do is be happy that I am going to marry the love of my life and I am desperate for some perspective.

 

[allycat0303]

I think that it is a totally reasonable request to have his parents be notified. I think if anything, by not telling them for an extended period of time, is going to make it even more difficult announce. I personally would not be too happy if I my son got engaged and didn''t tell me soon after.

I think you need to clarify what the situation is. Are they going to actively disapprove? Is he going to be able to handle their disappointment if they aren''t happy? I think it''s really important that your husband to be makes it pretty clear you are the woman he has chosen. If he doesn''t, then this could lead to all sorts of problems down the road.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I think you need to sit down with your FI and let it all out, if he is not willing to tell his parents that should be a red flag. If his parents are having control over him then he should at least stand up for you if he is unwilling to do so than I think you need to rethink your relationship with him.

Your relationship (anyones for that matter) will not work if they are not on the same page about where they want their lives to go.

What do his parents say about you? You were vague. If at all I would have a little chat with his parents and ask them what their deal is with you. You need to have a straight forward approach with them, you cannot hide behind anything when it comes to your in laws. You will be with them the rest of your life and if you do not assert yourself now than they will think that they can walk all over you..

Most importantly, have that conversation with your FI. If he is willing to discuss this with his parents then great, if he is not, than I would hate to say it, but he is by no means ready to be in charge of a married life. If he cannot be his own person away from his parents then he will have a rude awakening when is in charge of his own life for the first time. How much school does he have left??

 

[angiety2k]

My FI & I can really relate to you. As my parents don''t like my FI. Although I showed my mom right away! I was so happy and she could really see that, she was however worried that we were rushing things but I sat her down and told her about how we were planning a at least two year engagement. She was fine with it, as only because she could she how happy I was. My parents & my FI never got along and well there have been better moments. Let him tell his parents whenever he wants to... I know my FI didn''t say anything at first....and his parents love me! he said he would tell his parents when it feels right we are pretty young but have been together for almost 5 years, in case they lectured him he didn''t want it until a couple days after!Good Luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

Kem,

You have every right to expect him to tell them you are to be married, especially since he set the expecation that he was going to tell them about his intent to propose last Thanksgiving.

You posted about issues with his family previously and it seems you haven't made any progress between then and now in this regard. Family issues often get harder, not easier, once a couple is married as the two of you have to meld your lives together. I think in your case this will be true if you two don't work it out together starting now. I am not a "go to counseling for all life issues" person, but I highly recommend the two of you seek pre-marital counseling ASAP to deal with this issue and determine how the two of you are going to handle issues with his family from this point forward or it will forever be a point of contention in your relationship.

ETA: I reread your post and noted that he is in school and financially dependent on his parents. Putting off engagement/marriage until he is capable of standing on his own to feet financially would probably be a good idea. Being responsible for oneself financially can cause great changes in both family dynamics and ones' own personality. Perhaps he'd be more willing to stand up to his family if he weren't reliant on them. As for whether or not marrying someone who makes the choice he has regarding whether or not to tell them (I'm guessing he doesn't want to because they could cut him off financially), only you can decide whether that is the right kind of person for you to spend your life with. I do know it wouldn't be good enough for me.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/21/2008 9:02:17 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Kem,

You have every right to expect him to tell them you are to be married, especially since he set the expecation that he was going to tell them about his intent to propose last Thanksgiving.

You posted about issues with his family previously and it seems you haven''t made any progress between then and now in this regard. Family issues often get harder, not easier, once a couple is married as the two of you have to meld your lives together. I think in your case this will be true if you two don''t work it out together starting now. I am not a ''go to counseling for all life issues'' person, but I highly recommend the two of you seek pre-marital counseling ASAP to deal with this issue and determine how the two of you are going to handle issues with his family from this point forward or it will forever be a point of contention in your relationship.

Big ditto to this. Get this settled now, it will only get worse if you don''t. Remember you marry him, you marry the family. Better figure out a way to deal with this. If you don''t, the feelings you have now, will only get worse after the marriage. I think Kimberly has given you excellent advice. Follow it. I know it''s hard, but best to do the work now .... You two will be better off for it. I wish you the best of luck!!

 

[beebrisk]

I couldn''t agree with KimberlyH more...You really should put off all talk of marriage until your BF is financially independent, and not afraid to tell his folks he''s engaged.

You haven''t said why his parents have a problem with you. Is it some kind of misunderstanding that you can clear up? Is it just because they don''t know you well and have some pre-conceived ideas about you? Can you make an effort to talk to them and straighten it out, or at least ease some of the tension? Not only would this be a HUGE relief to your BF, but it would be a much healthier way to start a marriage.

That said, I think it would be prudent for you two to wait until you can make some headway with them, and until he''s out from under their financial thumb.

Many very wise people have said that the number one issue that drives couples apart is money. I hope you two will take it slow and start your marriage as financially independent grown-ups, and not have to rely on his parents who have him on a rather tight leash. You''d be marrying a boy, not a man.

Please try to talk to his parents...I bet it won''t be as scary as it seems...and it will probably be a hard, but great growing experience for both of you.

Best of luck....

 

[HollyS]

You say you''ve never seen him stand up for himself . . . he is standing. He has chosen a position, for this moment in time, that his family does not need to know right now. There are reasons for his position; I''m sure the fact they seem to be supporting him as he gets through college could be a big reason!

But mainly, he has chosen to protect himself and you from his family''s displeasure and all the unhappiness that will bring. It does not mean that he will never tell them; obviously he will have to let ''the cat out of the bag'' soon. This is an important moment in your lives, and he wants to savor it with you, before giving them the opportunity to put a damper on things.

The two of you need to be firm in your commitment to each other; and able to stand up to the opposition you will face from his parents. And, tough as it might be, ready to walk away from his family if need be. You cannot make them like you; and you need to be aware that they will not neccessarily welcome you with open arms. In fact, they may be downright hostile, and that might be why he is reluctant to ''throw you to the lions''. As the man, he feels the need to be protectective of you; especially because you will be his wife. Be very aware, and give him kudos, for putting YOU first.

Give him time to screw up his courage, and face what needs to be faced. He will.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/22/2008 12:01:18 AM
Author: beebrisk
I couldn''t agree with KimberlyH more...You really should put off all talk of marriage until your BF is financially independent, and not afraid to tell his folks he''s engaged.


You haven''t said why his parents have a problem with you. Is it some kind of misunderstanding that you can clear up? Is it just because they don''t know you well and have some pre-conceived ideas about you? Can you make an effort to talk to them and straighten it out, or at least ease some of the tension? Not only would this be a HUGE relief to your BF, but it would be a much healthier way to start a marriage.


That said, I think it would be prudent for you two to wait until you can make some headway with them, and until he''s out from under their financial thumb.


Many very wise people have said that the number one issue that drives couples apart is money. I hope you two will take it slow and start your marriage as financially independent grown-ups, and not have to rely on his parents who have him on a rather tight leash. You''d be marrying a boy, not a man.


Please try to talk to his parents...I bet it won''t be as scary as it seems...and it will probably be a hard, but great growing experience for both of you.


Best of luck....

I agree-I think that it would be wiser to wait until he doesn''t have to rely on them financially. In terms of telling his parents, to be honest, it would bother me if D hadn''t told his parents that we were engaged. I think that he just has to face them and let them know that the two of you are engaged and see what they say. Unfortunately as he is reliant on them financially, he can''t really make a stand if they do threaten to stop paying fees etc. If he could support himself, he could tell them that the two of you would be together no matter what they say and actually mean it. I hope that things get sorted for you soon and that he tells them.

 

[Kem]

Thanks so much for everyone''s words of advice, it''s really helped to clear my head. I have talked more with my boyfriend and this is where we are at:

He does want to tell his parents, but he is trying to wait until the right time and control their reaction the best he can. As one of you suggested, I think he really is trying to protect me, even though he is willing to accept whatever happens because he wants to be with me.

I think he was planning to wait a little longer before proposing but once he bought the ring he got excited and didn''t want to wait. He wanted me to have it even thought he still hadn''t 100% prepared to tell his parents. We wanted to get engaged before he is totally financially independent because we are planning a life together. It is hard, at least for me, to make big life changing decisions that involve another person without that level of commitment. For instance, looking at job offers in CT, where my family is from, vs. in MA, where his family lives. We are not planning on getting married until we are both able to support ourselves financially, which will probably be in about 2 years.

His relationship with his parents is, in both my and his opinion, a toxic relationship regardless of how they feel about me. They are controlling and difficult and we have both agreed that in a year, when he is no longer dependent on them to pay tuition, there will be a new set of rules. If they can''t respect him and understand that he is an adult making his own life decisions, he doesn''t want to be involved with them. This is not something I suggested and I will support him no matter how much, or how little, he wants them in his life. I am just another way in which they feel they cannot control him, and I have told him already that I will be as nice to them as can be, but I will stick up for myself if I need to. I think the best thing to do at the moment is just wait for him to tell them and in the meantime just appreciate how lucky I am to have found someone so right for me and support him through whatever he needs to do. He has already assured me that we will be together no matter what and that is the reassurance I need to go forward with "our" plans instead of just "my" plans, if that makes sense.

Thanks again for everyone''s advice. It is such a relief to be able to get my feelings off my chest and hear some honest, unbiased responses, which sometimes friends and family have trouble giving in situations like this. I cannot tell you how helpful you have been.