Need help - maid of honor being difficult

[Dodger Gurl]

My maid of honor is making me sad and driving me crazy at the same time. She is one of my closest, dearest friends but she has always had difficulty in having successful boyfriend/girlfriend relationships which I have my theories on but will not go into details here. I struggled for a long time whether or not to ask her to be my maid of honor and the only thing keeping me from it was the fear that she would drag her emotional baggage into it and not be able to function properly. However, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and at the time I got engaged she seemed genuinely happy for me so I asked her to be my maid of honor. However, as time went by she slowly went into mopey/depressed mode all the time and whenever I talk about wedding plans (not even asking her to do anything, just sharing the stuff I was excited to do) she ROLLS her eyes at me. So I asked her if I was talking about the wedding too much (which I really don''t think I am, I only share when something exciting happens) and she said no. So I shrug it off. Then my wedding dress came in and I was sooo excited. I told her about it and she ROLLED her eyes at me again. I should have confronted her right then but I was too shocked by it at the time. I then called another friend (a bridesmaid, the other one I was considering for maid of honor) and she was so excited and happy for me. Anyway, as a sign of friendship and wanting to include her in my life, I invite her to join a softball team that my fiance and I are a part of, knowing she would enjoy having something to do on Friday nights instead of sitting at home by herself feeling sorry for herself and we would be able to spend time together at the same time. So she starts to FLIRT with my fiance at the games, and then denies it saying she was only being "friendly" because she knows he''s already taken so he''s safe. Now she''s back to mopey/depressed mode. I felt like I had to drag her in to the bridesmaid shop to order her dress because she kept saying she didn''t understand why I wanted them to order the dresses so early (she didn''t know that it took 3 months for the dresses to come in). Besides, the reason we chose a long engagement was to have more time to do things (get things done earlier than if we had a shorter engagement) to lessen the stress. Then she admits it herself that the place for my bridal shower should be reserved because it books fast and yet she still has not done ANYTHING for it. So, to make a long story short, am I just overreacting because of all the stuff that has already happened or do you think she really should be starting to make reservations / plans for my shower? I am so hurt, disappointed, and sad that I cannot think clearly when it comes to her anymore. I know how it feels to have your friends engaged when you yourself are not and desire to be but I have always been happy for my friends who got married before I did. Blah. I hate drama.

 

[ivanadiamond]

Oh Dodger girl~

Hugs to you! Sorry you are going through this! That really sucks, but don''t let it take away from this happy time in your life if you can.

It''s sad that she can''t get passed herself and be genuinely excited for you. But know that those are her own personal issues and insecurites, and ultimately this is a time for you and your fiance to really enjoy this special time.

My MOH got pregnant as soon as I got engaged, and she was understandabley pretty much MIA for the whole engagement part, but kept giving me guilt trips about not being able to do stuff. She gave me guilt for not being able to come to my bachelorrette, was trying to change the location and dates even though she would have been 8 months pregnant and there is no way an 8 month pregnant gal should be going bar hopping, anyway she kept trying to make it about her...in the end though my bridesmaids really rallied. They did a lot and I learned to really enjoy it with them and my other girlfriends. Just because people aren''t in your wedding party, doesn''t mean they don''t want to be part of this time with you. Share things with your other friends and bridesmaids and get them more involved and by all means let them take over the shower duties with or without her, and try to remove yourself from it as best possible. Maybe even a family member can host it...

My MOH, showed up in a gown 10 sized too big to my wedding, she never took the time to get it altered, even though she had the baby over a month and half before the wedding and she left about an hour after the ceremony...she wasn''t a large part of my wedding, but was and still is a large part of my life. I am sure your girlfriend has been close to you in many other ways, otherwise you wouldn''t have asked her to be your MOH. It''s sad that she isn''t being there for you in the way she should, but try to remember the good stuff about her and don''t sweat the small stuff if you can...if she really isn''t being your friend, then just let her know and relieve her of her duties, tell her you would love for her to come to the wedding and she means a lot to you, but you don''t want her to feel obligated, but want this to be a special time for you. Maybe when she sees that things can happen with or without her, she will then want to get on board and get excited for you the way she should. Don''t feed into her misery if you can...

I guess my best advice would be to talk to her about it!

Feel better and know that people get goofy and strange around weddings, it''s just in the water!

 

[monarch64]

Dodger Gurl, this is not normal behavior for a MOH! She is really making things difficult for you, when she is supposed to be there to make things easier for you! I think it''s high time you had a serious discussion with her about her behavior. It''s obvious she feels envious of your situation and insecure about herself. You haven''t done anything to make her feel this way, it''s just the type of person she is, and where she''s at in life, so don''t feel bad about confronting her. If she can''t shape up and do what''s necessary to help you out and be a good friend to you, she doesn''t need to be in your wedding! Ask her if she really wants to stand up for you, or does she feel like it''s too much stress? That way you could at least give her an out. Either she will step aside (even if it''s out of anger), or she will shape up. Communication is everything--you have to tell her she is driving you nuts and her behavior has to change or she''s out! I hate to sound harsh, but this is your wedding and your happiness we''re talking about! Good luck.

 

[decodelighted]

I kinda think you should state your feelings and assess her response. If it''s not satisfactory to you then pick another MOH. (Sometimes already married MOH are safer/better choices cause they''ve been through the drill & know what to do .. unlike virgin MOH''s -- who, say, don''t know dresses take THREE MONTHS ..hello! ... sounds like this one''s never even been in a bridal party before - perhaps for good reason)

Even if she''s briefly pissed, she''d actually probably be relieved. It will be very hard for her to hide her genuine (unfortunatly negative) emotions throughout your engagement/wedding process.

 

[widget]

What a shame, DG!!

I agree with Monarch...I think you should SERIOUSLY ask her if she wants to do this...and talk it out. Let her know what you NEED in a MOH..

I think it''s really unfair that you have to deal with her nonsense at what should be a happy, albeit stressful time.

It seems to me that straight talk would either get her to shape up (unlikely I suppose... given her problems) or step down....either way you''d be better off.

What a shame...

Good luck!
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[Angel7]

I''m sorry you have to go through this.

If you friend is acting this selfish and disrespectful now, imagine how she''s going to be when the wedding is 1 month or 2 weeks away. I had a friend in a very similar situation and lets just say they are no longer friends (MOH and bride). The MOH was so jealous throughout the engagement. MOH took pictures of the bride to be with the stripper to "black-mail" her with to the finance.

Who does that? Especially since the bride-to-be was doing innocent bachlorette party stuff. No cheating or anything nasty like that. The MOH was a total bitch and disaster and just got worse as the wedding grew closer.

My advice(although I''m not a bride-to-be)-talk to her now before it gets out of hand. Simply ask her, "do you want to be my MOH because when you roll your eyes or flirt with Mr. X, it hurts me and I just don''t feel like you want to do this." Maybe you''ll get an honest response and hopefuly prevent any distaster to your wedding or your friendship.

Good Luck!
Keep us posted.

 

[Caribou]

That really sucks. I think you should sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that she better straighten up or you will ''demote'' her (if you are considering that). She''s being pretty sh*tty to you. And what is up with her flirting with your fiance!!!!!! That would be the straw that broke the camels back for me.

GOod luck...hopefully she will get better and not add stress to this wonderful time in your life.

 

[Dodger Gurl]

Thanks gals, glad to know I''m not just being a spazzball. I guess an additional thing is that I am kicking myself continually because deep down I KNEW I shouldn''t have asked her but my stupid loyalty and affection talked me into it. Argh. To make things more complicated, she is also my roommate which is why I am hesitant to rock the boat. But, since she is, if she is angered by the confrontation I could be very miserable up until the wedding (5 months from now). Argh. I am also starting to be concerned for her. I have been very busy lately with FI, church stuff, wedding planning, the holidays, etc. Basically, I leave in the mornings and don''t come home until night near my bedtime and then I go to bed. Oftentimes I will come home to find her home alone feeling sorry for herself. She used to always ask me where I went, where I was going, what I was doing, whether I was going to hang out with FI, etc. until I asked her to stop asking me those things. It was really weirding me out!!! I really think she could benefit from some counseling, but is there any nice way to say that?

Thanks again for your thoughts. I haven''t brought it up to any of our mutual friends because I would feel like I was badmouthing her to our friends who know her. But since y''all don''t know her personally I feel like I am just venting instead of gossiping, if that makes any sense. Although if I do decide to confront her I think I should bounce the idea off at least one of our mutual friends first.

I have to say that I think I agree with y''all. Especially with what Angel7 said, I am afraid that it will only get worse and worse as the wedding comes closer and I don''t want that to happen to me!!! Eeek!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Couple points & a confession. Ten years ago I was a jealous, troubled bridesmaid who acted out at the beauty shop before the wedding, then got drunk at the reception and acted out even worse at the wedding. I shouldn''t have agreed to be in the wedding at all in the jealous state I was in (and not liking the fiance) but I didn''t have the maturity to say no & and def. not the maturity not to "act out" my feelings rather than talk them out. This can & does happen. I wish to goodness I''d just been a guest. We might still be friends today. Which we''re not. Because her husband wouldn''t ever speak to me again & pouted whenever she''d even call me. So sad!

1) Don''t feel guilty for not hanging out with her. One day she will live alone and need to figure out how to entertain herself anyway.

2) Even if she could benefit from therapy (I did) YOU shouldn''t be the one to bring it up. She''s CLEARLY jealous of you and already feeling "less than" ... one of your mutual friends that she''d see as more "on her level" right now -- might be a less painful person to hear it from.

 

[Caribou]

I have to confess too.

Last year was a horrible year for me...bad break up, moved out...blahblahblah. I moved in with a good friend of mine and within 2 month she was engaged to her long time boyfriend.

(that''s how I felt at the time) I thought ''helllllllllllllllllllllllo this is so not a good time for me for this to happen to you...everyone should be miserable because I am''.

I love her boyfriend...now husband...he''s my brother from another mother (we were born on the exact same day)...so it had nothing to do with him. I WAS MISERABLE!!!

Anywho, I didn''t say or act out rightly jealous (at least in my opinoin) but I also didn''t really ask her much about her plans didn''t really help much either (I wasn''t in the wedding). However, one day I was having a bad day and talking to a friend of my over e-mail.....I made this comment ''(my roommate) has her head up (fiances) head...I thought it would come out after they got engaged''. I didn''t mean it, it was said out jealous/misery/bad day. Long story short...I ended up accidentally e-mailing my roommate the e-mail.....

She was upset, rightfully so. Thankfully, with the help of her now husband, she realized that it just had to do with what I was going through and she accepted my apology.

Sometimes friends can be mean without really meaning to be. Sometimes we have to remember that, although you''re estatic about getting married and planning and what not, other people''s lives haven''t changed they are still happy, miserable, mediocre. I am not condoning you''re friends actions....she really needs to try and figure out how to get herself out of the funk.

 

[flopkins]

You''re not the only one... there are posts on theknot about this ALL the time. Good advice has already been given - she''s jealous, you need to confront her and make sure she realizes it''s A-OK if she decides not to be in the wedding party...

Good luck, it''s a tough situation!

 

[Kit]

Dodger,

I think I know how you feel, unfortunately. I have a very close friend who behaves exactly like your MOH. We have known each other for almost 15 years and in that time she''s had some seriously awful stuff happen relationship wise that has really caused her to be one of the most bitter and unpleasant people I know. Although I am not getting married, I will be getting engaged within the month and felt the need to "prepare" her because another boyfriend just dumped her last week. (Incidentally she is being very supportive and positive right now).

I know that you probably feel:
a) sorry for her because bad things have happened to get her to this dark place
b) sad for your friendship because she used to be so fun and full of life, and now she is the opposite
c) sick and tired of her because she brings you down and is so unpleasant to be around
d) guilty about (c)
e) tired of dealing with everything about her and your relationship with her

I will give you my advice. You are entitled to celebrate getting married with the most joy and happiness possible, provided you do not turn into a bridezilla and insist that everything is all about you (it certainly doesn''t seem like this is the case

). You do not need to involve anyone in your wedding unless you want to. Do not feel obligated. Remember: this woman is not your problem. You cannot fix her or help her - only she can. I think the thing to do is to rescind your request for her to be your MOH. It will be tough but you will thank yourself later. This is a time for you to surround yourself with people who are excited and enthusiastic about your wedding.

 

[lovemybug]

i don''t know if you are still looking for advice dodger, as the last post is on dec. 3, but i wanted to put in my 2 cents just in case. i had a problem with one of my bridesmaids also. she was one of my best friends but after i got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid she changed. stopped calling, never wanted to go shopping for dresses, when i called to see what time she would be over to leave for the bachelorette party she said ''oh that''s today? i''m probably not going to go.... i really wasn''t planning on leaving the house tonight.'' she was absolutely HORRIBLE, and my husband (now, fiance then) kept telling me that i should tell her i didn''t want her in the wedding anymore. he said that when i''d look at our wedding album i would think ''oh there''s danielle, i haven''t talked to her in years.'' i didn''t know how bad things were going to get and didn''t want to ruin the friendship so i didn''t do anything, but it turns out he was absolutely correct. i haven''t spoken to her since the wedding and wish that i had listened to my hubby and told her not to bother.

bottom line, it''s your wedding and the girls you pick to stand up with you are supposed to be your friends who support you. rolling her eyes at you isn''t support! i''d definetly rethink my choice.