Need help NOT bringing it up to him...

[ListlessLiz]

Okay ladies, I''m kind of new here and joined yesterday (call it post-Christmas, post-New Years, post-Valentines Day) extreme ringless blues to the 4th degree.)

I will say, I''ve been lurking around this forum for months now and I''ve just been amazed at how supportive you all are and I''m REALLY hoping you''ll help me out here. Without further adieu, here''s my situation:

BF and I have been dating for 7 years this summer, and while we''re both fairly young, it seems lately that EVERYONE we know is getting married and I''ve caught the e-ring bug BAD. It doesn''t help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a "better" school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he''d propose since I''d made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn''t too keen on the idea of living with my "boyfriend," and now that we''re doing the long-distance relationship thing while we''re both in grad school, I''m planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he''s been offered. As if me sacrificing the "big" things wasn''t enough, it feels like I''m the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

God. I''m painting a picture of him being this horrible, thoughtless creep aren''t I? I should probably balance this out here, it''s just hard for me to list his good qualities when what I really feel like doing is venting my frustrations. Just please, take my word for it that he''s WORTH these sacrifices, I just wish he''d make a sacrifice too every once in a while - preferably in the form of a ring

I know he''s at least LOOKING at rings, but I''m not at all sure that he''s genuinely buying one at the moment. What kills me right now is that HE brought up e-rings over a year and a half ago and basically said "I want your opinion so I get you a ring you like, but then I don''t want to talk about it again until I propose." The killer is that this conversation happened the November BEFORE last... so almost a year and a half ago. Now, I don''t want to completely ruin the surprise by badgering him about just when he''s going to get his poo together and ask me already, and I certainly don''t want to get engaged only to feel that he was asking me because I forced his hand into it. But I''m going CRAZY!! It''s like every tiny holiday, every anniversary, every semi-nice date we have is ruined at 11:59 pm because it wasn''t "the day." I''m really starting to get scared that I''ll ruin the whole "engagement mystique" for myself by having this huge, jagged-crying breakdown in front of him (we already had one tiny slipup after a friends wedding over the Holidays and I don''t want it to happen again..)


So... anyone have any advice for me on how I can keep my mouth shut and let nature take its course, so to speak? I know he''s ready for marriage (we''ve talked about it incessantly for 6+ years and have very concrete plans for our lives as newlyweds), so it''s not a question of sitting back until he''s ready to wed. It''s really a question of waiting around for him to finally make our plans concrete. I just don''t want to ruin it for myself by needling him or asking the tiny questions we all ask that are just veiled attempts to get some info. Please, please, please give me some perspective here, or any advice on how I can keep my big mouth shut.

 

[nclrgirl]

LL, I''m so sorry that you''re going through this!! It''s such a tough thing to be feeling, and I''ve "ruined" a lot of really sweet dates that my FI planned (before our engagement) because I''d get myself so worked up thinking "this is it!!". So I decided not to let myself do that anymore. So much so, that when he did propose, I didn''t realize he what he was doing!

In my humble, non-expert opinion, I''d say keep the lines of communication open. No good can come of holding your feelings in and letting them fester. I''m not saying you should bombard him everyday, but if it''s been 1.5 years since you talked about it, I think you''re due a tiny little mention. Good luck!

 

[Mediterranean]

Ok, so.....

You make sacrifices large and small, you''re going to have TWO moves (due to his choices) under your belt. He already knows an engagement is important to you, so no amount of needling is going to push things forward.

Now, the thing with the Christmas present he bought online on the 23rd? I mean, if it was a GOOD present (good being defined as: something you liked and wanted, and not some cheap afterthought piece of junk) then that''s not relevant, right? So, don''t let yourself get *too* caught up in being mad, but.....

I get what you''re saying: you''d like a little more effort out of him.

The thing is, how can he make an effort if you make an effort FIRST and always?

This moving for grad school thing is a case in point: what do you think he''d do if you said "You know, I think I''m going to stay put....I really don''t want to stress myself with a move. ..."

Whoa now! For the first time in a long time, he may actually sit up and take notice! You''re not just a "given" He can''t take it for granted that what he says, goes.....

I think the best thing to do if he knows you want an engagement, and he''s not forthcoming, is to begin to distance yourself. Do NOT say a word to him, but make plans that don''t include him on the weekends. When he asks what gives, tell him, very casually..."Oh, I''ve been neglecting my friendships in favor of my relationship for a while and I just want to reconnect with the girls...."

Do that more often. In fact, book yourself up early in the week, so that he has to ask you out...like on a real date. And he has to make plans, too. None of this sitting around doing nothing, he has to TRY for you.

Send the message (subtly) that you''re not etched in stone. Start spending 2 or 3 weeks with YOUR family, and 2 days with his. Flip the script on him. Take more time for yourself.

Developing different interests and focusing on other relationships in your life (family, friends) will hep take your mind off this. And the distance will give you perspective. You''re really doing this for yourself. It''s a nice side-effect if he takes notice, but the real point here is to make yourself happy, so that you''re not sitting around growing resentful of him because he hasn''t proposed yet.

Give him a chance to "miss" you. If he doesn''t figure it out and get on bended knee, then you''ll know where you stand, and you''ll have you dignity to boot. If he does, then you''ll be engaged! It''s a win-win.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think one of the best ways to keep a LIW sane is to have a timeline in place and to be focused on that so that a proposal doesn''t seem like a lifetime away. You say you guys have talked about marriage incessantly over the past 6 years and that you have concrete plans for your lives as newlyweds, so when do those plans start? I''d say 99% of men who are ready for marriage are willing to give a timeline--even when they want the proposal to be a total surprise--because it''s only fair to the woman. Most women are not so keen on giving another person complete control over their future, so it becomes a conversation about what works best for both parties so that they can both feel excited and at ease. If you do have a timeline, then try to enjoy the excitement that goes along with being a lady in waiting and if you don''t have one...I''d be for getting one

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/15/2008 7:25:09 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I think one of the best ways to keep a LIW sane is to have a timeline in place and to be focused on that so that a proposal doesn''t seem like a lifetime away. You say you guys have talked about marriage incessantly over the past 6 years and that you have concrete plans for your lives as newlyweds, so when do those plans start? I''d say 99% of men who are ready for marriage are willing to give a timeline--even when they want the proposal to be a total surprise--because it''s only fair to the woman. Most women are not so keen on giving another person complete control over their future, so it becomes a conversation about what works best for both parties so that they can both feel excited and at ease. If you do have a timeline, then try to enjoy the excitement that goes along with being a lady in waiting and if you don''t have one...I''d be for getting one

This is very good advice and exactly what I would do.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Oh boy, where do I begin? I''m sorry you''re having a tough time, and I know exactly how it feels. (This is going to be LONG)

I know the question you asked is how do you keep your mouth shut until the proposal, but that doesn''t seem like the issue here, at all. The issue here is that you''re stressed, angry, and depressed about the state of your relationship. One thing that jumped out at me is that you''re making all the sacrifices, and you''re the one putting in the *work* into this relationship, without asking much of him. You want him to propose to you and get his %^&# together? Let *him* make some sacrifices for you. You plan on moving with him so that he can take a fantastic job when he graduates -- DON''T! You keep saying all over your post that you tell him that marriage is a requirement, but in the end he gets what he wants without giving you what you want.

This is a one-sided relationship. You need to immediately set a timeline as to how long you''re willing to wait, and stick to it. You''ve been with this guy 7 years, and he keeps blowing you off, and allowing you sacrifice some pretty important things for him, and that''s not healthy as he''s not giving up anything for you.

You say in your post that you would like him to make a sacrifice for you in the form of a ring. A RING IS NOT A SACRIFICE! It is a token of his commitment to your relationship for the rest of his life. It is a symbol of his love for you and the life he wants to live with you -- not a sacrifice by any means! If he feels it''s a sacrifice to marry you and give you a ring, that is a marriage I would not wish on my worst enemy. If you think a ring and marriage are sacrifices, perhaps you''re not ready to marry.

You are feeling the way you are because you''re not sure he really wants to be with you, and that he has doubts. If you didn''t have doubts about his intentions, one, you wouldn''t be feelings like this, and 2 he wouldn''t be "looking" for an engagement ring for 1.5 years. A man who is ready for marriage will do everything in his power to ensure the emotional health of his partner -- even if he has to sacrifice some element of surprise it''s worth way more than for you to be miserable.

About ruining the "engagement mystique", let me start by saying that at this point there is no surprise that an engagement should be coming -- after 7 years. Your intent is NOT to know the details of his proposal plan, your intent is to know what to expect, and how much longer you have to wait. The proposal is not the important thing here. The important thing is your well being first, and the well being of your relationship second.

It just feels to me, from your post, that you don''t put yourself first. You put him first, and he puts himself first as well. I can assure you he will be singing a different tune when you start doing things for yourself instead of following him, and letting him decide what your life will be like. You DO have power in your relationship, and you need to use it. He needs to know that things cannot be his way or the highway. He is not the only person in this relationship, and you need to make that clear through your actions, not your words. Marriage is about compromise, and that compromise cannot be perpetually one sided because you''ll only resent him in the end.

Bottom line, my advice is very simple, tell him you''re not moving with him unless you are engaged because that makes you very uncomfortable, AND STICK TO IT. If he really wants you in his life forever, this will definitely push him to get his #$% together.

I know this post was harsh, but I am saying this because it''s heartbreaking to see a woman go through what you are, AND IT DOESN''T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM
Author:ListlessLiz
It doesn't help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a 'better' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he'd propose since I'd made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn't too keen on the idea of living with my 'boyfriend,' and now that we're doing the long-distance relationship thing while we're both in grad school, I'm planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he's been offered. As if me sacrificing the 'big' things wasn't enough, it feels like I'm the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you're with him because he's the guy you've always been with--you mention you're quite young, and I believe it. This section reminds me of my high school/college relationships, and I didn't want my whole life to be spent in a relationship as unequal as this, so, hard as it was, I cut the ties. Maybe you like the martyr role of giving up all your wants for your man, maybe you don't mind catering your entire life to someone who doesn't put forth the effort you want? I dunno--if it was me, I wouldn't be trying to coax a ring out of the guy. I'd be doing some serious thinking about why I feel the need to sacrifice so much when he doesn't.

Just going on what jumped out at me. Feel free to ignore my two cents if these things don't wave a red flag to you; I know your post only just barely touches on all the things going on in your relationship, so I could be way off.

 

[DMBsGirl]

Having a timeline certainly helps calm down LIW-itis. I would sit down with him and kindly ask for some sort of idea of when this will happen, this year? in six months? in three years?
Once you have that timeline, it will still be hard to NOT think about it but maybe this will help....My now fiance got my ring on October 13th, and didn't propose until Christmas eve. When I asked WHY he had taken so long, he admitted that my breakdowns every week or so totally turned him off to the idea of proposing so he waited... UGH! Unfortunately, most boys don't want to make it seem like they were pushed into it, so if you keep bringing it up and he planned to do it that day, he might just hold out longer. My suggestion is to come on here, vent, talk to the other girls, and look at some eye candy. But try, try, try your hardest NOT to constantly bring it up, it doesn't seem to do much but push the proposal back even more.

ETA: I feel your pain...my fiance and I were together nine years before he proposed. We too also started dating very young and EVERYONE around us was getting married so it was definitely tough to be patient.

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/15/2008 7:40:49 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM

Author:ListlessLiz

It doesn''t help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a ''better'' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he''d propose since I''d made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn''t too keen on the idea of living with my ''boyfriend,'' and now that we''re doing the long-distance relationship thing while we''re both in grad school, I''m planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he''s been offered. As if me sacrificing the ''big'' things wasn''t enough, it feels like I''m the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you''re with him because he''s the guy you''ve always been with--you mention you''re quite young, and I believe it. This section reminds me of my high school/college relationships, and I didn''t want my whole life to be spent in a relationship as unequal as this, so, hard as it was, I cut the ties. Maybe you like the martyr role of giving up all your wants for your man, maybe you don''t mind catering your entire life to someone who doesn''t put forth the effort you want? I dunno--if it was me, I wouldn''t be trying to coax a ring out of the guy. I''d be doing some serious thinking about why I feel the need to sacrifice so much when he doesn''t.


Just going on what jumped out at me. Feel free to ignore my two cents if these things don''t wave a red flag to you; I know your post only just barely touches on all the things going on in your relationship, so I could be way off.

I agree with Gwendolyn. If I were in the same situation I wouldn''t make another move until you guys talk about things. I was with D for over 8 years when we got engaged so I know what it''s like to grow up with a bf and having him there for everything, but I would not move for his job unless we''d made a serious commitment. Tell him that you''re not going to move and see what he says.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM
Author:ListlessLiz


BF and I have been dating for 7 years this summer, and while we''re both fairly young, it seems lately that EVERYONE we know is getting married and I''ve caught the e-ring bug BAD. It doesn''t help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a ''better'' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he''d propose since I''d made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn''t too keen on the idea of living with my ''boyfriend,'' and now that we''re doing the long-distance relationship thing while we''re both in grad school, I''m planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he''s been offered. As if me sacrificing the ''big'' things wasn''t enough, it feels like I''m the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

I''m afraid, I really don''t get why anyone would do this?

It strikes me from your post that your bf is still in the talking about the future - but that future being a long way off phase. You don''t say how old he is, but I''m guessing he''s 25/26ish?

Quite lot of men at this age are more into the new ''fantastic job'' and not really thinking about the whole marrying thing - even if they like talking about it.

If you are standing by martyring yourself to him, then he has no need to start thinking about it - after all, you''ve been there all along putting his needs way before your own. Why would he think you''re not happy to continue trotting along on his timeline?

It may be that everything will turnout rosy, but you need to start putting yourself first for a change. Stop sacrificing for him.

I spent 7 years (17-24) with a guy I sacrificed nearly everything for in much the same way, right down to the xmas presents bought the day before with no thought after I''d spent weeks shopping for the ''perfect'' thing, making cards/scrapbooks etc, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

In the end I resented him - even though I''d done everything to myself, he''d merely stood by and profited from it. Sacrificing yourself for people doesn''t make them love you more - it just makes you unhappy.

I would start making your own life and looking for your own fantastic job - if that doesn''t give him the message and the kick to start thinking how to take the relationship to the next level, then nothing will.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/15/2008 7:40:49 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM

Author:ListlessLiz

It doesn't help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a 'better' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he'd propose since I'd made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn't too keen on the idea of living with my 'boyfriend,' and now that we're doing the long-distance relationship thing while we're both in grad school, I'm planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he's been offered. As if me sacrificing the 'big' things wasn't enough, it feels like I'm the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you're with him because he's the guy you've always been with--you mention you're quite young, and I believe it. This section reminds me of my high school/college relationships, and I didn't want my whole life to be spent in a relationship as unequal as this, so, hard as it was, I cut the ties. Maybe you like the martyr role of giving up all your wants for your man, maybe you don't mind catering your entire life to someone who doesn't put forth the effort you want? I dunno--if it was me, I wouldn't be trying to coax a ring out of the guy. I'd be doing some serious thinking about why I feel the need to sacrifice so much when he doesn't.


Just going on what jumped out at me. Feel free to ignore my two cents if these things don't wave a red flag to you; I know your post only just barely touches on all the things going on in your relationship, so I could be way off.

I'm with Gwen on this one.

Brutal honesty: I would tell this guy to F off. From what you've said, it sounds like you're both really young (21-23?) and this is your first relationship and that you're being taken advantage of. You're in a totally one sided relationship.

No matter what, relationships have to be 2 sided. At 7 years, you should be able to talk about marriage whenever you feel the need, not to avoid it like the plague. You should be able to talk about ANYTHING after that long.

You do sound very young and what you are saying is ringing a bell with my 19 year old self who had a boyfriend for just under four years who took advantage of me, made me stay here for school, and did everything that he wanted with no consideration to what I wanted. The one thing he did do is spend a LOT of time on my Christmas presents, but other than that, they sound too much alike.

I'm sorry, but I would take a big step back. I've been there and done that.

Having said all that, believe it or not, I realize that you only said the bad things and that there is more to your relationship.

 

[choro72]

I will apologize first hand if I sound harsh.

Listless, I think you are your own cause of the stress. You move to be with him, go to a closer school to be with him, you spend more time with him family than yours, and the list goes on. These are pretty extreme big time decisions too! If I may be blunt, you are molding yourself to cater his need to the point where you have no sense of identity. Thus, your craving for a ring, because you are at the point where the ring and a marriage license is needed to complete you. Sorry, but I don''t believe in Jerry Maguire. You need to be complete already, and the man is the icing on the cake. Same for him. Truthfully, you might be even suffocating him.

Let me explain myself before you get offended. A while ago, I was the one in my relationship that drove to his place every weekend. When we were together, I made sure that I was the one that drives around to save his gas bill. I cleaned his bathroom every weekend. I cooked for him. It''s not nearly the sacrifices you have made, but I still felt one sided, and I always told myself that he is worth it (and he is). And when we had the talk, of course he was been mushy about it. I blurted out the inevitable "I do all this for you, and how come it''s not enough for you to jump on the chance to marry me?". His reply was, "I never asked you to do any of this. It''s like a one sided relationship, and I feels like I have no part in making it good."
You know what, he was right. And the sucky part is, before I met this man I promised myself "The next man I seriously date has to let me be who I am, and appreciate me for it. And he has to be the man that I can take in as his whole as well.". And there I was, doing exactly what I said I wouldn''t do. I realized that I was afraid that if I didn''t go overboard and show him how much I have to give ALL the time, he is going to find someone better. Well, someone better isn''t defined by how much they give you. Someone better is one who you can confine in, share a future together, a partner, and your EQUAL.
We are looking for a ring now, and of course I''m impatient. But also it doesn''t consume my entire being. I have work to do, and whether he proposes now or next year (more will be pushing my fertility concerns...), I could care less. I''m super impatient and excited because everyone wants good things to happen soon, but just knowing that he is willing to commit our lives together is enough for me.

Well, since there is no turning back time to go to the better school you could have gone to, why don''t you start focusing yourself NOW? Get a hobby. Go look for a job, no matter where the place. Do things that you have missed out on the account on him.
I''m not trying to bash your BF. I''m sure he is a wonderful guy. But as Med says, you are not giving him a chance to really prove his worth to you. And I''m not telling you to play games, to pull away so that he will notice you. I hate games. What I am saying is that you need to be able to say, "I am happy with myself, ALONE". Do what fulfills you. Make new friends. Take classes. I''m not saying to ditch him, but he is a grown man who can take care of himself without you around constantly. Once you are completely happy with yourself, that character is going to radiate to him and I think that''s the quality that a man gets attracted to, and that''s what will make him say "I want to marry her...NOW"

 

[choro72]

I just wanted to add a few more things.

First, you say that you two talk about marriage all the time, and it's just the matter of putting it in motion. The way I see it, he has no INCENTIVE to put it in motion. You are such a perfect giver, so why would he change anything? Like I posted above, you need to be happy alone with yourself first. That starts with looking at YOUR goals and needs. You sound like you envision yourself being married one day to man who loves you the way you love them, and appreciate all that you do for them. Well, I think you need to take a long look at if this man fits the bill. Of course only you can answer that, but I only write these sentence from the nuance I get from your post.

It's probably immaturity on his part as well. After 7 years of dating and talking about marriage, I see no excuse for this man to freak out about "the talk". I don't know how old you are, but in order to discuss marriage, you must be mature enough if you are able to plan your lives as you said you did. But saying things and doing are different things. He sounds like he is comfortable talking about it as long as it doesn't become a reality. In this case he will be too immature for marriage, and you might have to think about if you can stay in this situation for so much longer.

I don't know how you opened the subject at your friend's wedding, but I'm surprised that he would be offended. And I take it that the argument ended with you apologizing? I think you are the one who put your BF in the comfortable cocoon, and it's time to drag him out of there and make him face reality. It's too self destructive to keep it inside you, and all the things you had done for him was unhealthy enough.

You ask how to break it up to him or keep your mouth shut. I don't think you SHOULD keep your mouth shut. After all this time I think you have earned a conversation. If he is such a wonderful guy he will be sensitive to your life goals. Dating this long, only you have the best knowledge on how to communicate with your partner. All I know is non-threatening is the key.

I have to also say, that "I don't want to talk about rings until I propose" thing is really unfair. It sounds like HE has total control about the situation, and meanwhile you are being the perfect caregiver, moving states where ever he goes. That is no position to deal with the subject of the union of two individuals. They have to have equal stand at saying anything.
At this point I think it's more than fair to let him know that you are not going to wait around forever. If you choose to say this though, you have to really mean it. No matter how nice you say he is, I sense some controlling issues from him, or maybe it's your self destructive malleability. Either way, a good talk is in order, whether he likes it or not.

I'm sorry if my assumptions are wrong. I sincerely hope for your well being and happiness. In any case, I agree with the previous posts that you must NOT move until you have a ring.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/15/2008 8:18:50 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM

Author:ListlessLiz



BF and I have been dating for 7 years this summer, and while we''re both fairly young, it seems lately that EVERYONE we know is getting married and I''ve caught the e-ring bug BAD. It doesn''t help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a ''better'' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he''d propose since I''d made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn''t too keen on the idea of living with my ''boyfriend,'' and now that we''re doing the long-distance relationship thing while we''re both in grad school, I''m planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he''s been offered. As if me sacrificing the ''big'' things wasn''t enough, it feels like I''m the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

I''m afraid, I really don''t get why anyone would do this?

I can''t speak for ListlessLiz here, but two friends of mine from middle school (started dating when they were 12) BOTH went to a mediocre university in order to stay together. In their case, they openly said (well, to me anyway) that they were afraid they''d break up if they had to be long-distance in college, so they both chose a school neither of them especially wanted to attend. They are married with two kids now. I, like you, have a really hard time understanding why to do this--especially, as in my friends'' case, the motivation was out of fear of breaking up. I thought, if you can''t handle being separated, your relationship isn''t strong enough to stay together! But so far it''s worked for them.

When it came time for me to choose my grad school, I could''ve gone to Manchester and gotten an apartment with J while going to school, or go to Cambridge on my own and live in their crappy student housing. You know what I chose--how could I ever forgive myself for passing up the opportunity to go to Cam just so J and I could live together sooner?! To me, that''s insanity, but for some people, relationships come before everything else, no matter what the cost.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/16/2008 4:45:07 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 2/15/2008 8:18:50 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 2/15/2008 7:06:32 PM

Author:ListlessLiz



BF and I have been dating for 7 years this summer, and while we''re both fairly young, it seems lately that EVERYONE we know is getting married and I''ve caught the e-ring bug BAD. It doesn''t help matters that I feel like our whole relationship has been one big case of my sacrificing my best interests for him. I followed him to his college when I could have gone to a ''better'' school, I moved in with him for a year post-college (where, by the way, I always assumed he''d propose since I''d made it abundantly clear beforehand that I wasn''t too keen on the idea of living with my ''boyfriend,'' and now that we''re doing the long-distance relationship thing while we''re both in grad school, I''m planning on moving AGAIN with him when we both graduate so he can work a fantastic job he''s been offered. As if me sacrificing the ''big'' things wasn''t enough, it feels like I''m the one making the little sacrifices too - I plan our vacations together, I spend a week with his family during summers while he might spend 2 or 3 days visiting mine, I spend hours picking out his Christmas presents when I get something purchased online on Dec. 23!!!

I''m afraid, I really don''t get why anyone would do this?

I can''t speak for ListlessLiz here, but two friends of mine from middle school (started dating when they were 12) BOTH went to a mediocre university in order to stay together. In their case, they openly said (well, to me anyway) that they were afraid they''d break up if they had to be long-distance in college, so they both chose a school neither of them especially wanted to attend. They are married with two kids now. I, like you, have a really hard time understanding why to do this--especially, as in my friends'' case, the motivation was out of fear of breaking up. I thought, if you can''t handle being separated, your relationship isn''t strong enough to stay together! But so far it''s worked for them.

When it came time for me to choose my grad school, I could''ve gone to Manchester and gotten an apartment with J while going to school, or go to Cambridge on my own and live in their crappy student housing. You know what I chose--how could I ever forgive myself for passing up the opportunity to go to Cam just so J and I could live together sooner?! To me, that''s insanity, but for some people, relationships come before everything else, no matter what the cost.

I don''t think I could ever choose to go to a crappy school just so I could be with my SO. I would just think that my relationship was strong enough to overcome the distance (which it was) and now that we are together in the same city it is great. Gwen you made a great choice and if you are not thanking yourself now you will be in the future.

School is so important to me, and I really believe if something is meant to be it will work out, no matter how far the distance.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/16/2008 9:21:33 PM
Author: LegacyGirl
I don''t think I could ever choose to go to a crappy school just so I could be with my SO. I would just think that my relationship was strong enough to overcome the distance (which it was) and now that we are together in the same city it is great. Gwen you made a great choice and if you are not thanking yourself now you will be in the future.

School is so important to me, and I really believe if something is meant to be it will work out, no matter how far the distance.

I''m not thanking myself now simply because I''m buried so deeply under work!

But no, I know that this is exactly what I signed up for, and that having this degree will be something that will open up lots of opportunities to me, so it will be worth it in the end. Even if it is kickin'' my rear at the moment.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m afraid I have to join the other ladies who think this sounds like trouble. Lots of women do what you''re doing: they give everything and get very little in the desperate hope of pleasing their man and earning HIS unending devotion. But you are just asking for trouble, and I would guess that your relationship will need some serious work before a happy marriage could result.

One of two things will happen:

1) He''ll end up breaking up with you because he wants to be with an equal, not a ''doormat'' (I''m not saying you are one! but he may see you ACTING like one and think that you are)

2) You''ll get married and become more and more resentful about the stuff that you sacrificed, and eventually it will poison your marriage. If a marriage isn''t a partnership, with give and take and mutual respect it degenerates into lots of bad feeling and then it unravels. Resentment is very poisonous

Stand up for yourself! Be assertive! Say what YOU want and need and then RESPECT yourself and your wants and needs. Let me promise you something: no guy ever married a woman out of gratitude for her subservience. That''s something we do to ourselves. Some guys do this too: wrap themselves into knots to do anything to please a woman, and she ends up just not respecting him.

By now he''s probably so used to you just doing what he wants that unless you actually WANT to spend the rest of your life being subservient to him and having him take you for granted, I would set to work on talking this out and fixing it before I''d even consider marrying him. Unhappiness and diivorce will surely follow otherwise. Don''t think he''ll change how he treats you once you''re married. And how he treats you is a RESULT of how you let him treat you.

Just my 2 cts.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/17/2008 1:03:42 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 2/16/2008 9:21:33 PM
Author: LegacyGirl
I don''t think I could ever choose to go to a crappy school just so I could be with my SO. I would just think that my relationship was strong enough to overcome the distance (which it was) and now that we are together in the same city it is great. Gwen you made a great choice and if you are not thanking yourself now you will be in the future.

School is so important to me, and I really believe if something is meant to be it will work out, no matter how far the distance.

I''m not thanking myself now simply because I''m buried so deeply under work!

But no, I know that this is exactly what I signed up for, and that having this degree will be something that will open up lots of opportunities to me, so it will be worth it in the end. Even if it is kickin'' my rear at the moment.

Oh man you sound like me right now. Try taking the bar!! It''s murder! Studying 5 months for a 2 day test is insane!!