Need reassurance to get this wedding planned!

[winston26]

I have a big problem.

I cannot commit to any wedding plans!!

Why a BIG problem? I have been engaged since April 07 and wanted to have a short engagement, and yet have not made one single plan......no venue, no date, no idea! The more people who ask me "so......when's the date?", the more I want to hide under a rock. I just wish it was already over. Yet it's not like I want to run to city hall tomorrow either. Sometimes I want to elope, sometimes I want the full wedding, sometimes I want it in my hometown, sometimes I want it where I live now, or the latest--destination wedding. AAAAGH We've checked out the venues, even went to a bridal show. Came close to booking a couple things but then didn't follow through. To really put this in perspective, my FI (the former "I don't want a girlfriend" guy for YEARS) has decided all he wants for Christmas is for me to pick our wedding date and location! (I promise it's not a fear of actually being married to FI but truly the fear of the event.)

What I'm looking for is a little motivation from the PS crew to get me past this "issue". I logged into the Knot yesterday and almost started to cry. I think many of those things are pretty but I'm completely overwhelmed at the thought of all I have NOT done and now won't have time to do even if I did want any of it! The bridal places saying "oh NO, you need TWELVE weeks minimum to get a dress plus time for alterations" isn't helping either. Some of my fear may be that I'm afraid, on my actual wedding day, I will think "oh no, I should have done it a different way!"......shouldn't have eloped, I'm sad my family isn't here after all.......shouldn't have had a big shindig, it's too overwhelming and expensive. Did anyone else have these thoughts?

I was motivated to 'fess up after reading the cookie cutter link as many of my scentiments were expressed in there (esp about the scary Knot!)


So how can I "get it over with" so to speak in a memorable, fun way without stress and regrets?!?! Right now, that scenario doesn't exist I think.

 

[Maisie]

Maybe it will help if you focus more on getting married. At the minute you are focusing too much on the big day itself. You say you want to be married. Think more about that.

You and your FI are making a commitment to each other for life. Yes you would like to have a nice day, but really it should be more about the vows and the reason behind them.

You will always find something you might like better than what you had on your day. I am sure we all look back on our wedding and think 'maybe I should have had this' or 'I wonder if that would have been better'.....

Try not to get so hung up on details and think more about why you are there in the first place.

There are so many brides to be on here who will help you to plan your big day - and they will enjoy helping you. Let them take some of the pressure off you.

Other than that - could you afford a wedding planner? Its their job to help you find exactly what you want and make the whole day perfect.

Good luck

 

[punkin]

The planning is overwhelming. The decisions are tough to make but I think you''ll find that once you start making them you just keep marching forward to the date. I''m sorry to sound un-enthusiastic but my planning has been more stress and less fun than I thought it would be. (There has been some fun though!)
These are my only little pieces of advice
1 - each big decision (venue, photographer) is really a bunch of little tiny decisions after a lot of investigation and learning. you have to realize that you are making progress even when it doesn''t feel like it. I think the saying is "inch by inch life''s a cinch. yard by yard its very hard"
2 - work on your venue and church first. the availability of those will help you set your date.

Oh, and yes, I''ve been extremely annoyed by the pressure vendors put on brides (like you mentioned about the dress). Vendors love to use the "I''m booking up quick, better make a decision" tactic.
Don''t worry it will come together at your pace.

 

[littlelysser]

Okay.

DEEP BREATHS!!!! Relax. You are putting this pressure on yourself by wanting to have a short engagement. No reason to do that.

Stay away from the kNOT! It is a bad and scary place, IMHO.

I was in a very similar situation less than a year ago. My DH had proposed in December of 2005 and I''d done NOTHING to get the wedding process moving. I mean NOTHING. I didn''t know what kind of wedding I wanted, I didn''t know how to begin planning it...UGH.

So I was having lunch with a friend...and I said, ya know, I could just marry DH in my back yard...and she said, so why don''t you do it? And our Backyard BBQ Wedding was born. We invited only our closest friends and family. It was super casual and relaxed and wonderful.

We got married this past labor day. We did exactly what we wanted and it was wonderful. I wore a wedding dress, DH wore a suit. One friend donated her lovely backyard and house for the wedding. We had some super yummy bbq catered in. Another friend cooked some wonderful food. Another amazing friend made delicious sorbet and and another friend made our AMAZING wedding cake.

We got tents, tables and multicolored linens...we didn''t have a first dance or toss a bouquet. We had a digital DJ. Our friend''s mother, who is a minister, married us. I didn''t walk down an aisle...it was super super casual and just awesome and wonderful and it was one of the best days of my entire life. I ended up having a lot of fun planning it and although everyone was predicting that I''d be stressing out over something, I totally wasn''t. Because it was the people I care most about in the world, witnessing my marriage to DH. How could that go wrong? Ya know?

I guess that my point is that if you figure out what you want to do...and there is a BIG range of options between city hall and a big old formal wedding and reception...and you should figure out what works for you.

And don''t forget that really, it doesn''t if you don''t pick the perfect dress or the perfect flowers...keep in mind that the wedding is about the marriage...not about that one day! I know this would get me crucified on the kNOT, but it is only one day...actually, a few hours really...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

When you think of the wedding, what pops into your head? It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by the planning, so maybe doing something very small and simple would be right up your alley. You could have the reception at a private room in a restaurant you love, that way there is very little planning in that regard and you can focus on the ceremony.

Trust me, I bet all of us went back and forth about what we wanted. Shoot, even a month before our wedding I was still thinking "what if I"d rented a house in Hawaii and only invited siblings and parents? That would have been nice." Doubting decisions is just part of planning, but in the end you end up loving what you''ve planned. You could plan 5 different weddings and love them all. It sounds like you''re at the point where you just need to make a commitment, so I''d at least narrow down the location and a few options for the venue, then discuss it with your FI. He might even be willing to make some of these big decisions so you don''t have to!

 

[partyjewels]

Don''t worry, you are definitely not alone in this! The thought of planning a wedding scares the pants off of me! I cannot wait to marry my FI, but the actual wedding? I just feel so overwhelmed! Just try to focus on one thing at a time. Start with what time of year you want to get married, and go from there when it comes to the date. And I''m not sure if I missed something in your post, but it seems like your FI just wants you to decide the date and location on your own? If so, does he know how you''re feeling about it? Because thats alot of extra pressure to put on someone who''s already feeling crummy that they haven''t done anything yet. Maybe it would help if he could get the ball rolling in picking the location? Remember, Breathe! Sure, things may not go exactly as planned, or you may look back and think I should''ve had different colors, different dress, cake, location, etc.. but at the end of the day, no matter how you do it, the important thing is you''ll be married to the one you love, and how can that be wrong

PS really is a great sounding board. But it does always come down to what YOU and your FI want.

Do you and your FI have a favorite time of year?

 

[winston26]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 73px">Date: 11/28/2007 9:53:44 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
When you think of the wedding, what pops into your head? It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by the planning, so maybe doing something very small and simple would be right up your alley. You could have the reception at a private room in a restaurant you love, that way there is very little planning in that regard and you can focus on the ceremony.

Trust me, I bet all of us went back and forth about what we wanted. Shoot, even a month before our wedding I was still thinking 'what if I'd rented a house in Hawaii and only invited siblings and parents? That would have been nice.' Doubting decisions is just part of planning, but in the end you end up loving what you've planned. You could plan 5 different weddings and love them all. It sounds like you're at the point where you just need to make a commitment, so I'd at least narrow down the location and a few options for the venue, then discuss it with your FI. He might even be willing to make some of these big decisions so you don't have to!

I really appreciate everyone's advice as the only people I have to confide in have no idea what this is like!!!

What pops into my head is a different idea every week. I was convinced, for some time, that Hawaii was IT. Then realized it would be like a group vacation with me as an unhappy tour guide, etc. (Went to the state fair with some of his family and they couldn't make the smallest decision so everyone just stood there, and then I decided NO WAY) There's always something that comes up. Had the perfect ceremony location here....a gorgeous villa overlooking the lake.....and then FI starts complaining about how he can't stand to have the sun in his eyes and why would we consider an outdoor ceremony (sigh). He decides weeks later we'll "make it work".....yeah, place is already booked. Reception venue was going to be where we met....but the current manager doesn't seem to want to bother with us--takes 3 calls from us to get a reply from him each time. Day late, dollar short is the theme of this wedding, which makes me hate it all.

I have no vision of it. I'm also pressuring myself even more because:
A. I have been to 100s of weddings...I felt happy to attend due to the meaning of the event, BUT I only remember 1-2 of them as being remarkable, which is sad considering how much effort and money went into them. Those that were remarkable I can't duplicate. I don't want mine to be that forgettable. In a way, in being the last of my friends to get married, I feel a little robbed---I'm sure I would have loved and been totally excited about a wedding when I was in my 20s but now I'm burned out on weddings and it's all a repeat. Almost like everyone else's wedding has taken the fun out of my own?!?!?!
B. My Dad died this year. What few visions I DID have, I do not want anything to do with. I'm a HUGE crier (ask the FI!!!) so I have to make this "different" or I will SOB SOB SOB through the whole thing....I'm not one of those "cute criers" that just wipes their eyes and looks fine.....I get the swollen splotcy face, bags under my eyes, bright RED nose that doesn't go away for hours. Wouldn't those be pretty pictures???? Thought it would be less pressure if we eloped.....but I know if my dad were here he'd be disappointed, and if he's watching us now, would have a fit that I didn't include my mother. (And I can't take JUST my mother)

Now add to this all that I am old enough that I am borderline on whether I can still have kids any more, that's why the extra pressure to "get this over with". Of course, no one ever really knows, but even my co-workers nag "you better hurry up, you're not getting any younger" (even before I was engaged).

I waited so long for this that I thought this would be exciting for me, but it just hasn't been.

I have to figure out how to not pressure myself so much but there are so many factors adding to it.

 

[Sabine]

It sounds to me like the things you don''t want are the traditional wedding things...so why not do something totally your own? Although a destination wedding would be work, I really don''t think you would end up as tour guide...the only time you will probably spend with your family would be the planned rehersal dinner, the wedding, and maybe a brunch after, right? They are free to do what they want, and so are you, the rest of the time.

Or you could do something small but special with only those who really mean something to you, not a city hall wedding, but maybe a small, private ceremony?

 

[Haven]

Oh Winston, I feel for ya, honey, I really do.

I absolutely agree that if you focus on the *getting married* aspect of the whole thing it won''t be very stressful at all. (Hopefully!)

I think it was IndyGal who gave the great advice on the cookie cutter thread to make a list of your top priorities for the wedding, make those things happen, and *then* worry about all the other nonessential details, because really--if they''re not on your top priority list, they don''t matter much.

FI and I have been engaged since September, so not very long, and we haven''t done much at all as far as planning is concerned. The only two things I really care about, other than marrying my FI of course, are getting a gorgeous dress and getting married on the 4th of July.
The dress is just my own personal indulgence because I just adore a great once-in-a-lifetime dress. The 4th of July is because I lost someone very close to me in June and some of my fondest memories of him are from celebrating the 4th of July growing up, so when FI realized the 4th fell on a Friday next summer we knew that was our date. (He was my father''s best friend, and he was like a father to me--in fact, my sister and I called him "Daddy 2" and we call his two daughters our sisters.) Anyway, it really does put everything in perspective when you have a clear vision of what is important to you, and what is not important.

And of course, when you DO get stressed out over planning, come on to PS, vent a little, and we''ll be here to pick you back up again.

Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve ended up with a 19 month engagement.

The only thing I knew was the venue I wanted as it was the school my sister went to and I have always loved the buildings so I got the date fixed within 2 weeks of getting engaged.

Then - I just spent 7 months thinking about what sort of feel I wanted.

I bought a scrapbook and loads of magazines (not just bridal) each month, and cut out anything that I liked. Over about 4 months it began to look obvious the direction I needed to go in. It is so not what I thought I would want before I started, but I love it all now and I''m really excited.

I must admit I do love planning events (I''m doing a huge event for 300 tomorrow night for work) and I''m really happy to lend a hand.

 

[winston26]

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I get discouraged easily with it because I don''t enjoy planning and then keep giving up. I''m so jealous of those of you who are so good at planning and enjoy it....let alone do it for a living.... like Pandora!

FI has only said repeatedly "somewhere warm would be nice" as far as his input.
My latest saga is that the Jamaican resorts all look beautiful but I''m freaked I''ll be assigned a mediocre/bad photographer. The knotties all claim to "fly in their own photographers!" I can''t afford that! Know any good photographers that live there? Someone recommended an excellent person (Sol Tomargo) for Mexico, but my family always gets sick there so I do have to rule that out unfortunately.

 

[diamondfan]

I think you have gotten good advice. Take baby steps. Think of what really matters here, and focus on that. Yes, some dresses take a long time, and there might be things you wish you had done another way. But if marrying your guy is the ultimate thing, does it really matter at the end of the day if you think, Oh pink flowers would have been nicer? Because, honestly, does it detract from your love or happiness? I am an uber planner, very detail oriented. Even when I commit to a course of action I second guess and question things endlessly. It makes me a bit nuts, and in the end I usually stick with what I chose originally. Focus on the overall feeling and goals for the wedding, and the smaller details will fall into place because they won''t be as all important then.

 

[monarch64]

ITA with Diamondfan. Baby steps! Choose just. one. thing. and build off of that. Whether it is location, flowers, colors, music, whatever. Just narrow it down to what is really important to you, and choose one single thing, and then I bet you will feel like you can expand on that with or without the help of your friends and family, or PS members. You know, PSr''s are a pretty good lot who will be honest with you and steer you in the right direction regarding pretty much any detail of your wedding about which you have questions or are unsure.

Winston, I''m so sorry to hear you lost your father last year...it sounds like you haven''t dealt at all with the issue that he will not physically be there to walk you down an aisle or be at the wedding and reception period. That is something that has been very traumatic for you and you will have to face and think about before the wedding day. I wonder if that is not a major issue that''s holding you back from planning your wedding? If so...you may want to enlist the help of a therapist so you can talk out your feelings, cry it out a LOT, and start dealing with it. It isn''t an issue that will just go away with therapy, that''s not what I mean, but I think that maybe what I''m hearing when reading your posts is that you really haven''t dealt with his passing in relation to your upcoming wedding at all. You ARE going to have to deal with it sooner or later, and I really think it would be beneficial to you to make at least one appt. and get started with someone who can help you proceed with this whole process, including grieving over your father and dealing with wedding planning.

Lastly, don''t read the Knot anymore. It''s not really the most positive place, from what I hear, and from having made a couple stops on there myself just to see what it was all about. I got married in 2003, and didn''t have access to the internet during the time I planned my wedding. For that I am sort of grateful...the internet is a double-edged sword sometimes, by that I mean sometimes you can have too much of a good thing and get distracted by all the nonsense out there in cyberspace. The Knot seems to me to be a magnet for people who are more concerned with negativity and bringing others down, whereas PS is a whole different beast and mainly very positive in nature. i think you''ll have a whole lot more luck here, so please stick around.

 

[MustangFan]

Just do baby steps book your ceremony venue and reception venue and go from there!
Don''t be over-whelmed, just allow yourself plenty of time to plan.
Right now I''m trying to find the perfect shoes and just concentraiting on that... everything has an order I have a countdown plan sheet for the big day

is goes something like this...

12 months
Decide what type of wedding
Choose a date
Discuss a budget
Start guest list
Ask friend and relatives to be in wedding

8-10 months
decide on entertainment
book photographer
shop for a wedding dress, veil and shoes
decided a color scheme

6-8 months
finalize your guest list
order invitations
arrange for wedding program to be printed
talk to a florist
contact rental companies (if needed)
book dj or band
register for wedding gifts
arrange marriage classes (optional)
plan honeymoon

Three Months
Go for 1st fitting get approiate lingerie and shoes
Make final selection of attendants'' dresses
order tuxes
make arrangement for wedding day transportation (you might want to do this earlier)
attend your shower
discuss reception details
make room reservations for out-of-town guests
finalize honeymoon

2 Months
Mail invitations
write vows (optional)
schedule a time for photographer to take pictures (engagement photos)
Make final arrangements with the florist
check rooms for out-of town guests
buy gifts for attendants
send thank yous if you had a bridal shower

1 Month
Final fitting of your gown
Plan rehearsal dinner (probably want to do this sooner if it''s a special place)
Apply for marriage license

3 weeks
Do hair trial
Put together wedding programs
ask friends and family if you want them to participate
break in new wedding shoes!!

2 Weeks
Finalize reservations for rehearsal dinner
send out invitiations for rehearsal dinner
review guest list, phone people who didn''t respond
final fitting of gown
give music lists to dj or band (probably a month before)
plan seating
buy a garter

One week
pack for honeymoon
call insurance co. to say your getting married and going on a trip
finalize all details of ceremony and reception
confirm # of guests
wrap gifts for attendants
print place cards
prepare payments

two-three days before...
press dress
pick up tuxes
give everything require for the day to the banquet manager
arrange out-of-town guests to be picked up

the day before
give all wedding professionals an emergency phone number to call on your wedding day
relax!!!
attend rehearsal dinner
give marriage license to your minister or other official
give gifts at rehearsal dinner
eat well and try to get some rest!

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!

 

[HollyS]

Okay, take a deep breath ... relax.

I looked at a lot of stuff for nine months while doing nada about actual planning. Ordered my dress in June and booked the venue, ordered invites in August, met with florist in September, and married in October. It can be done.

Find a small bridal shop that is locally owned; stay away from the MEGA stores. The owner/manager of the small shop will bust her buns getting you the dress of your dreams in record time and will handle the alterations. (Mine certainly did - and delivered the dress to me, freshly pressed, on the day of the wedding!) You will not be just another bride to her; she needs you to be satisfied, 'cause if you're happy, you will talk up her shop to everyone you know!

Choose a venue that will do everything for you: ceremony site, decorations and florals, food, cake, set up and take down. They may be a little pricey, depending on where you live; and they will be worth every penny. All you will have to do is select colors, types of flowers, flavors of cake, and choose from a menu of food options. These places always have a wedding planner, event coordinator, or banquet manager who will handle the details and make sure things run smoothly.
No multiple vendors, and no expensive independent wedding planner.

If you're on overload, put away the magazines, stay off the websites. Take a break. Make a list of your favorite colors, how you want your dress to look, what flowers you love, what personal touches will make your day important and special to you and the FI. See if you can get inspiration from non-wedding sources; I have a cache of VICTORIA magazines which I perused for my overall *vision*.

But first, sit down with your FI and really talk about what it will mean to be married, and how you can best celebrate your union. Stop worrying and enjoy the process; it does not have to be *root canal* scary.