Need some advice in dealing with a friend

[beesknees]

Hi everyone. First time poster and new to the forum so if a situation like this has been posted before I''m sorry. Here''s the issue:

I''ve been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. My friend has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. We hang out with a large group of people and we are the only ones who aren''t engaged or married. My friend and I both want marriage but our boyfriends have their own timeline. We share a close bond because when people are talking about marriage or their engagement we laugh and joke how we''ve been with our SO''s longer than most of them have been married. Her boyfriend has made references in the past that he doesn''t plan on proposing until 2010! Recently, my boyfriend has taken me engagement ring shopping and I know that the proposal is coming soon! Here''s the problem - I know that when my boyfriend does propose, I am no longer going to have that same bond with my friend. Also, I know how it feels to want to be engaged so badly and have a friend announce their engagement and can''t help but be a little upset about it. Of course you are happy for your friend, but also sad that it hasn''t happened for you yet. I don''t want to cause any pain or anomosity between me and my friend. I just don''t know how I''m going to handle this situation. Anyone had to deal with a situation similar to this? Any advice would be helpful!

 

[mthebee]

I suppose, first of all, expect that it''s probably going to sting for her when you get engaged, if she''s not getting engaged too. And know, that her reaction, if it''s upset, is only because it''s something she wants so bad and it''s clouding her ability to be genuinely excited for you.
You can tell her and then just try not to overwhelm her with details and constant chatter and info about weddings and engagements unless asked.

Early Congrats to you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Good for you for being sensitive. I can relate to your dilemma. The only thing I can suggest is to keep things super low key when it happens. No excited phone call. No talking to her about wedding planning. Just try to keep your friendship and conversations as they were somewhat. In other words, do everything in your power to actively NOT rub it in her face or make her feel like you are. Just keep everything ''normal'' between you two, and share your excitement with OTHER friends, know what I mean?

Beyond that, you have no control. You control your behaviour, but she controls her reactions.

 

[mimzy]

you''re a good friend for wanting to go about this in a sensitive way.

it might lessen the blow if you maybe mention that your bf is ring shopping or something. it might sting at first, but if you do it in a delicate, non-rubbingitinherface manner, but that way she might not be so emotionally blindsided when it does happen. depending on how good of friends you are and the kind of girl she is, you could even bring up your concern to her and let her know that you don''t want things to change in your friendship.

maybe even before that you could start trying to strengthen your bond with her over other things not related to your relationship status/marriage. take up a hobby together or something that you can have in common now and will still have in common after you get engaged.

oh,and don''t forget to talk up her and her bf''s relationship! don''t let her forget that just because they aren''t engaged doesn''t mean that it''s less special than anyone elses. don''t let her forget about all the good stuff that she has going on.

oh, and....congratulations!

 

[emilina22]

oh my gosh i would also love to hear this advice because i too am in a similar situation...

 

[beesknees]

thanks for the early congrats! i agree that overwhelming her with wedding talk would definitely be a bad thing. thank you for your advice!

 

[beesknees]

hi independentgal,
thanks for the advice. even though it will be hard having to mute my excitement around my friend, i''ll just have to save it for my other (married or engaged) friends.

 

[beesknees]

hi mimzy!
you are right on with all your advice! my friend and i do have lots of other things in common, but it really helps when we''re both down about not being engaged and we have each other to talk to about it. i just feel like who is she going to have to talk to about that stuff once i''m engaged? i think everything will be okay between us (she''s a really awesome girl). i just wish there was some way that both of our boyfriends would propose to us at the same time! that would be ideal!