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bin_36

Rough_Rock
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Jan 28, 2008
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hello, i''m new to this. i have a question i can''t seem to find the answer to.
background: my bf and i have been together for almost 7yrs (fresh year of college on). in the beginning we were clear about our intentions of dating for marriage. last year he springs on me that he doesnt want to get married anymore and doesnt want kids but still wants to grow old w/me. i asked him what he didnt like about marriage and he said he doesnt want to end up fighting everyday like his parents. meanwhile, i DEF want to get married and have kids.
i''m not in a hurry to get married (i still have 3yrs left in grad school) but i''d like to know what to do. he says he doesnt want to hold me back knowing that i want to get married and he doesnt.
we get along really well, have that "connection", (etc etc) and i still want to marry him and still hope that we do but i honestly dont know if it will happen.
any advice?
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Personally, not wanting kids is an absolute, non-negotiable dealbreaker for me.

It really depends how important kids and marriage are to you. They''re at the top of my priority liast. I personally wouldn''t wait around hoping a man would change his mind on those topics.
 
He said he doesn''t want to hold you back--does this mean that he conceded that if you really want to get married, he doesn''t want to stand in your way of finding another man who does want to marry you? If this is what he meant, it sounds to me like he isn''t really THAT into growing old with you. If this is the case, I''d move on and find someone else who doesn''t want to let me go.

As far as his reason for being against marriage, that he doesn''t want to end up fighting everyday like his parents, this sounds a bit lame to me.

OR, these sound like things that a young man who isn''t sure WHAT he wants would say under pressure, because he doesn''t know what else to say. It sounds like you are nearing your mid-20s, which is certainly not super young, but perhaps your man just needs some time to figure out what he really wants. Perhaps you should have a frank discussion with him about this, and be honest and tell him that the things he''s said are making you doubt whether you two should stay together. His reaction to this conversation should be very informative.

Good luck with your relationship, and with grad school! Talk to him, it''s the only way to get real answers.
 
First, he may have thrown the comment out without thinking...or just to kinda test the waters, but if he was dead serious (which may take several months or more to figure out):

People change & people have doubts in their mid20s. Usually, its men but that doesn''t discount the females too

Often men freak out about:
1. Not ever having been in another serious relationship, they wonder if this is "as good as it gets." They start looking at other couples and wondering what that would be like, do those couples have the same issues and problems?
2. They get antsy about having to make big life choices around another person (its all fine and dandy when in the same town, both in school etc. but when it comes to moving cities etc...they start to wonder)

Beyond this, even if you''re not in your 20s, people change constantly. The idea is how much you can adapt for the person you love without sacrificing the goals that are most important to you in life.

For most, children & marriage are the most important goals, and by staying with this man you MAY be giving this up. Yes he may change, but he''s not going to change because of anything you do, and do you really want to wait around and take the risk that he''ll feel "forced" into some sort of decision?

It''s obviously not a decision you need to make immediately; but you also shouldn''t be afraid to take action when you feel you need to. IF this wasn''t just a passing phase/comment but a true conviction, you WILLl be able to find someone else; it will be extremely painful but may be nicer to have a nice clean break sooner than a messy, emotional, "why didn''t you tell me earlier" type break-up later.
 
I hate to say this but this is tough. I would not just accept that easily, and while I see why no one would want to fight all the time, conflict exists in close relationships and you can fight with someone you live with just as easily. The getting out part might be less complex without the marriage paper, but the fighting is no less tough. I am not sure I could just hang in there knowing that. If he is serious, he is unlikely to change his mind. I would not have kids in that scenario either. Is he perhaps just seeing if you freak out about it? I am not sure since I do not know him, of course, but this is a total turnaround and deserves serious thought. It is too easy to coast along and then realize it it too late and you cannot get back the time. If you wish to stay under those conditions and not have kids within a marriage, fine, but it does not seem that way from your posts. I would be awfully curious why he did a complete turnaround. Have you really delved in besides the fighting comment? Doubt anyone wants to fight...and he knew that about them long before this.
 
End it now, forget any thoughts of changing his mind once you get him locked in.

If you want kids and he don''t, there''s no happy ending here.
 
hello, wow, thanks for the advice.
yes i am mid-20s (i started grad school a few years after undergrad). we''ve talked about this topic many-a-times, not arguing just talking and me trying to understand. he says that he changed his mind about it gradually, that to him it wasnt all-of-a-sudden but told me about it when he felt more sure about his feelings. he still says that he''s not 100% sure and that he might change his mind but he feels bad making me wait and says that he''d understand if i wanted to end it. buuut he says that if it were up to him that we''d be together. he''s not a selfish guy or anything, i guess we''re just confused. i dont want to get married anytime soon, im not loosing sleep over this but it still is stressful.
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I commend him for being honest with you and telling you that he does not want marriage or kids. He''s telling you that if you don''t want those things, either, he''s happy to grow old with you. But if you do want those things, he respects that and knows that he''s not right for you. The thing with marriage and kids is that if you want them, you want them. You can''t "undo" that feeling and to try would be going down the wrong path. I have no doubt you''ll find somebody who does share the same goals within a relationship as you, it''s just not with this guy. It stinks, but sometimes love just ain''t enough!
 
I would agree with all the advice here. Not really much to add except to underline the importance of discussion. He's been crystal clear with you, now's your chance to return the favour. Calmly, maturely, with no pressure or threats.

It may help to sketch out a plan beforehand. How long are you prepared to enjoy the relationship for what it is (i.e. something lovely with someone you love but who can't give you what you need)? You may be happy to coast along for 3 years but remember, those 3 yrs you're tying yourself into an imperfect situation that ultimately will only frustrate you, are 3 yrs of missed opportunities of finding someone else who has the same dreams as you. Better the short-term pain than a lifetime of regret.

Also, by staying and not making your objections clear, you're sending out a non-verbal msg that you're OK with his parameters when it's obvious you're not. That's how resentment and frustration breeds. Please. It doesn't have to be that way. Even if he does change his mind, would part of you be suspicious of a sudden u-turn? People rarely change 180 degrees without something quite serious going on. Could you ever trust his motives when he's been so firm on his lifeplan?

Anyways, that's probably more than you need to think about. Good luck. Let us know how it goes!
 
There are some unspoken things here: are you living together now? Have you been with him exclusively from age 19? Did you have any serious relationships prior to him?

If you are living together, stop living with him now. You are helping him have what he wants (the perpetual unchanged relationship) while he tells you you can never have what you want (marriage and children). I don''t care how much you love him, he''s manipulating you. Who the heck is he to decide your future? Take your life back.

And, I hate to say this, but it sounds like he may be looking for a way out, without taking the blame for a failed relationship. After all, he''s making it YOUR choice. How generous.

If you have never seriously dated anyone else, or if you''ve been with him only through all of your (so far) adult years, get out there and start dating other people. There''s a whole wide world of people out there that aren''t . . . him. You might just find that you don''t want to ''grow old with him''.

For goodness sakes, have all of you young women out there forgotten that you have a say-so in your own flippin'' life? Find your feminist backbone and stiffen up that spine! It''s long past time for some of you who are playing the ''waiting game'' to dump the guy who''s only Mr. Right Here Now, not Mr. Right.

I''m sorry for being so blunt, but c''mon. Stop wasting your life.
 
Date: 1/29/2008 10:49:35 AM
Author: HollyS
And, I hate to say this, but it sounds like he may be looking for a way out, without taking the blame for a failed relationship. After all, he''s making it YOUR choice. How generous.
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I was thinking the same thing as Holly: he wants out, but doesn''t want to do the dirty work. Maybe he even thinks if you end it, it will be easier for you.

Whatever the case, I wish you the best in dealing with it!
 
I agree with the others in that you need to end it now. If marriage and kids is what you want in the future and he doesn''t, then there''s not much point continuing on with things. I agree with Holly-if you are living with him now, move out straight away. Get on with your life and find someone who has the same goals in life as yourself.
 
Date: 1/29/2008 11:47:10 AM
Author: laine

Date: 1/29/2008 10:49:35 AM
Author: HollyS
And, I hate to say this, but it sounds like he may be looking for a way out, without taking the blame for a failed relationship. After all, he''s making it YOUR choice. How generous.
Click to expand...

I was thinking the same thing as Holly: he wants out, but doesn''t want to do the dirty work. Maybe he even thinks if you end it, it will be easier for you.

Whatever the case, I wish you the best in dealing with it!
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I agree with Laine and HollyS - there is a strong possibility that he could be trying to get out of the relationship without being the one to break things up. I''ve been in a similar position in the past and was fed similar lines by my exBF. I wish you the best in dealing with the situation however it turns out.
 
no, im not living with him (and never have). yes, he''s my first bf, ever. we also have been long distance for 3yrs and its been good (except for this). ((i like it, it gives me room, plus im too busy studying all the time, i dont really have time to go out much))
i just feel that i''ve seen my close friends date guys and i feel like i really do have something that''s rare and unique. i know there are lots of fish in the sea but i honestly havent met anyone else that i have the same spark with. even guy friends, when my bf and i were friends (for 5yrs before we started dating) we always had this chemistry between us. i''ve never even had that "friend connection" with any other guy and i''ve tried to see if it was possible.
i dont think im wasting my life, i can understand why you would say that though. i think if were spineless, i would just go along with it w/o thinking twice and not be in this position.
if i were a friend, i''d probably give the same advice. buuut being the person in this predicament, i feel like its something worth going with for at least a little while. is that a good compromise??
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he says he wants to be with me for a long, long time and i trust that. he''s not the type of person to just throw it out there, he doesnt say much but what he does say are things he''s thoroughly thought about. if he wanted out, he would''ve told me that he wants out and that would''ve made my life a LOT easier.
i hope im not coming off defensive because this has been very helpful so far. THANKS! keep it coming
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I agree that it does sound like wants an out...it''s what first popped up in my mind...

As for the new revelation that you''ve been LDR...well, I will have to mull on that one and come back later with another cent or two...
 
Date: 1/29/2008 1:08:41 PM
Author: bin_36

i dont think im wasting my life, i can understand why you would say that though. i think if were spineless, i would just go along with it w/o thinking twice and not be in this position.
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I really don''t think that you would be spineless by leaving him at this stage. I can nearly understand that if he says he doesn''t want marriage and you might be willing to forgo that to stay with him, but something like not wanting kids is a huge deal. If someone is telling you that, you have to listen and look into yourself and see can you imagine yourself without kids? After 7 years also, that is a huge bomb to drop into someone''s lap.

Personally, especially as it''s a LDR I would cool things down and see where they go. It does sound like he might be using it as an excuse to get out of the relationship. It just seems weird to me that he mentions it to you after 7 years especially if beforehand you had talked about marriage and kids. I was with D just over 8 years when we got engaged but if he had turned around and told me the same thing after 7 years, I would have been quite hurt and annoyed that he hadn''t told me he had these thoughts previously.
 
I had a friend that this same thing happened to. She thought everything was fine and he said the same things. They were long distance too. Turns out he was seeing someone else and was trying to end it "nicely". I''m not saying this is what''s going on, but it could be. There are few men (though they do exist) that can manage to be faithful in a long distance relationship. Do you see each other often or only every few months??
 
If you''re content with things as is then stay; but if your purpose for being in a relationship is to find a person you want marry and have children with he has clearly spelled it out that he is not the right person for you.
 
I think you''re staying in the relationship hoping he will change. I think that is a mistake. I''m sure many of us have done the same in the past--holding onto a relationship hoping it will change. I don''t know anybody for whom it''s worked out. He''s been honest with you and told you that if you do want marriage/kids, he''s not the guy for you. You should believe him, he has no reason to lie. It sucks, I know, but I think you''re trying to compromise in an uncomprimiseable (I think I made up that word) situation.
 
Oooh, I hate to say it, but my first thought was definitely "He wants out, but doesn't want to be the bad guy." And when you said it's been long distance for the last three years, I thought "Yup, he wants out." I don't know that it necessarily means he's actually seeing other people (LORDY I hope not) but it does sound like he wants to get out and do so. He was just hoping that you would do the 'ending' so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

I really hope we're wrong about this, but it seems a lot of us had the same thought. In fact, going only on the information you've given us, I'd put money on it. So, it might be worth forcing the issue.

And the thing is, even if this is not the case, if a guy very clearly says "I don't want things that you need," there's no going forward. He's been clear and honest with you, and you really can't compromise on this... you know, have half a child or something.

So, if it were me, I would see red flags and move on.
 
Just like the other gals have said.

He don''t want what makes you happy.
You don''t need what doesn''t make you happy.
Don''t compromise. Yes you love him. We all loved our exes at some point. And we''ve all found better since leaving them. Because we didn''t settle. That''s why we''re happy now. We got what we need and deserve. Better. Happy. Fulfilled.

Is there any other way to slice it?
 
Date: 1/29/2008 1:33:06 PM
Author: WTNLVR
I had a friend that this same thing happened to. She thought everything was fine and he said the same things. They were long distance too. Turns out he was seeing someone else and was trying to end it ''nicely''. I''m not saying this is what''s going on, but it could be. There are few men (though they do exist) that can manage to be faithful in a long distance relationship. Do you see each other often or only every few months??
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Uh-huh. If we''re talking LDR, I would put money on there being something going on other than JUST the relationship he has with you.

It bothers me that you are willing to keep on keeping on, when you know you want more. It is a little scary out in the big wide world without that relationship that has been part of your life for so long. We can all empathize with you. But it is a step you will eventually have to take, because he has decided for you that he is not the one.

And, if he loved you, after all the years you''ve been together, he would be planning a future with you in whatever form works best for BOTH of you, instead of offering you *a way out*. I don''t like pointing these things out, because I know it hurts to look at the big picture (I''ve been there many times), but you are his fallback position . . . you''ve always been there. Even after he told you the truth, you''re still there for him.

Do you see what we see?
 
Date: 1/29/2008 4:00:35 PM
Author: HollyS

I don''t like pointing these things out, because I know it hurts to look at the big picture (I''ve been there many times), but you are his fallback position . . . you''ve always been there. Even after he told you the truth, you''re still there for him.

Do you see what we see?
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yes! That''s exactly what I''m talking about! By staying, you''re sanctioning his decision, you''re saying that it''s OK to live by his rules and his dream of the future when you and we all know it''s not OK at all! It will seem hard, especially as he''s your first boyfriend but please don''t hang thinking he''s going to change his mind...it''s your life, you deserve to have what you dream of.
 
I agree with the others that it seems like he''s trying to let you down easily because he wants out, but I had another thought that I wanted to throw out there...

Throughout his gradual change to not wanting marriage, has his parents'' relationship been deteriorating? Maybe if he''s been witnessing the breakdown of a relationship he depended on, it made him doubt himself and what he feels for you.
 
bin_36 it''s so strange that you should start this thread as my sister is in a very similar position. She hasn''t been with her SO as long as you but he has clearly said that he doesn''t want marriage or children. My heart really goes out to her as it''s all she''s ever wanted and she''s willing to give it up for the first serious relationship she''s in.
I understand how hard it must be to think about ending things, especially as you say, you don''t feel ready for marriage yet either BUT will you be happy knowing that you gave up marriage and babies for this man? Is he worth it? It does seem strange that he should suddenly spring this on you and I hope there is noone else involved but I agree it does sound as though he''s giving you a chance to get out so he doesn''t look like the bad guy.

Hope you manage to sort things
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