Need thoughts/opinions on a situation

[portia]

Ok, so here it goes…

My fiance and I just recently got engaged. Although we had talked about it for a long time (we’ve been together for 5 1/2 yrs), we decided to wait until his younger sister finished with her wedding. We felt it would be a distraction from her celebration, so we waited until a month after her wedding to look for rings. One month after our search began, he proposed. So now we’ve been happily engaged for a month and just found out that his brother is going to propose to his girlfriend of 2 1/2 yrs. She knows it’s coming – they just picked out the ring together the other evening. When my FI was talking to him, he found out what they''re plans are for their wedding. Like us, they are going to have a destination wedding – very small, family only in the mountains. I think that’s great – we’re all doing what is in our hearts and what reflects our interests.

However, what I am a bit worried and upset about is that they are picking a date very close to our date – like 4 to 6 weeks after our wedding and possibly 1 week after our reception back home (or it may end up being between our wedding and reception). I’m feeling a bit like no one’s going to remember our wedding because we’re going to jump right into theirs once ours is done. If fact, FI’s brother just asked last night if we had a date set for our reception back home because they are moving their wedding date up a month (was going to be in Sept.) and they obviously don’t want it to conflict with our reception.

Am I completely selfish to feel upset over this? They’re really great people and I really like the girlfriend, so I feel a bit guilty having these feelings. However, I can’t deny them. Ugh!!! I’ve been really sad about this… that they’d not have a little more respect for our plans and set their date a little further apart. As a result, I’m thinking about moving our wedding date to next summer. Am I crazy? Would anyone else feel this way?

Thanks so much for listening! (or reading)

I needed to talk about it ‘cause my FI doesn’t understand.

 

[decodelighted]

Portia,

First of all ... for shame! How could ya get engaged & not show us the sparkly!!!!! I want to see that cushion in it''s Danhov glory (yes! we all remember!!! - that is, if I gots it right

)

Honestly, I can''t even concentrate on the problem at hand ''cause I have pave clouding my brain. MUST SEE PIX!!!!

Deco

 

[pebbles]

First of all, congratulations on your engagement!

Second, it''s normal to feel that some of the thunder will be taken away from your wedding, but in reality, it really won''t be.

I was in a similar situation when we got married. Since you''re in the Chicago area, you may be familiar with Gaelic Park. Well, my friend always said she wanted to have her wedding at Gaelic Park. There is like a 2 year waiting list to get married or have a wedding reception there. My friend''s fiance booked the reception there even before proposing to her and didn''t tell anyone. They had a date open for September almost a year and half away, and the only reason why they had that date open was because someone cancelled. When my friend''s fiance proposed, (which was 2 weeks after my husband proposed to me), he said, "oh by the way, our wedding is the following September". (Kind of cool if you ask me.

).

Anyway, we hadn''t set our date yet and I knew when my friend''s wedding was. Since my husband and I were both students at the time, there was a very short window we could get married since we both wanted a summer wedding and were both taking summer classes. We only had 3 weekends in August where neither one of us had school. It was either that or put off the wedding for another year. Since we didn''t want to wait that long, I asked my girlfriend if it would bother her that I planned my wedding for the month before hers. My now-husband was like "why do you even have to ask her?" Technically, I didn''t, but felt like since her date was set first, I was being courteous. My friend said she didn''t mind at all. In fact, it made wedding planning that much more fun.

Our weddings were completely different, and even though many of our guests were the same, no one made a big deal that we had our weddings so close together. Our friends were looking forward to both our weddings, so no thunder was lost at all. In fact, our friends were kind of bummed after my friend''s wedding that there were no more weddings to go to that year.

We still have people talk about our wedding and that was 6 years ago.

My sister and my cousin got married a few months apart from each other and there was just as much excitement for the second wedding as there was for the first.

One thing you have to remember about wedding planning is that no one is going to be quite as excited about it as you and your fiance. I''m not saying that to be mean, it''s just a fact. It''s not that people aren''t excited for you, just that most people aren''t as "in" to it as you are because it''s not THEIR wedding. Know what I mean? So if you go around moping that your future BIL is getting married close to you, it will look like you''re being selfish. It''s normal to feel that way, just don''t make a big deal about it. Be as happy for them as you are for yourself. In the big picture, there are worse things to get upset over than someone having a wedding close to yours.

Just my $.02.

 

[lovelylulu]

First congratulations!!!!! instead of being sad, take a peek at your gorgeous ring and be happy for yourself and your relationship. this is such a special time and while i totally understand you not wanting anyone to steal any of your thunder don''t let this ruin this once in a lifetime period of your life!

I have a couple of comments on the situation. first, my very dear friend had her wedding this past may and then her brother, with whom she is very close with, had his wedding in august. they weren''t destination and maybe that plays a big role... but they were both amazing!!! really. no one felt put out or unhappy about having to attend both. weddings are parties, a celebration and people love to have a great time with the ones that love them. it really was great.

now, from very personal experience - my younger brother proposed to his now fiancee about a month before my man proposed to me. we did things a little differently though, because my BF talked to my brother and expressed that he didn''t want to "crowd their moment" by asking me to marry him so soon after the first proposal. my brother and his lady had no real problem with it -- although after reading this i have to wonder -- and so my boyfriend went ahead with it. so far, we''ve found that instead of detracting from either one of our engagements it''s really sort of magnified the joy and celebration to have two amazing things right around the same time. i think that my boyfriend would have postponed for a little while if my brother had asked him too, but really "the time" that is right is so individual and just because your fellow asked you first, you can''t really expect someone to postpone what is in their heart for a year or so. that is just my opinion

also, it''s been nice to know that my future sister-in law is going to have to go through all this planning and though it''s a little early we are going to help each other out in the process. it''ll be great to have someone that is so wrapped up in the same thing, because friends/others definately get sick of wedding talk!!!

the one caveat to my own situation is that while both couples were planning on ''07, my financee and i might now be thinking of ''06 -- not because of the "double engagement" but because i don''t think i personally want to be engaged for over a year and a half.

again congratulations. don''t let this spoil such a brilliant time.

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohh, Portia, no, don''t feel guilty, what you''re feeling is TOTALLY natural and understandable!!!! I''m so sorry!!!!

I am actually going through a very similar set of emotions. My boyfriend and I started ring shopping several months ago, and right after he bought the setting (but before he picked a center stone) I got a call out of the blue from my brother saying HE got engaged! They''ve been together almost 7 years and we all adore her, but I had nooo idea they were planning this, and they had no idea we were planning to get engaged either. So I just kept my mouth shut and figure they can enjoy being engaged for like 3 months before I get engaged and people have that to talk about too.

So I''m all good about that, except that I''m a little sad that my engagement won''t be an event unto itself so much as "oh wow, you BOTH got engaged so close to each other!" But that''s minor. The actual problem is, as with you, in terms of wedding planning. My boyfriend and I were discussing whether to get married next summer or June 2007. One of my good friends is getting married June 24th, 2006 (& is the first of my good friends to get married) so I didn''t really want to do it before her since that seemed kind of mean, but due to scheduling issues with the family summer house we want to get married in, we can only have our wedding in Junes or Septembers. And my boyfriend thinks September is a depressing time for a wedding (???) so he is adamant about it being June, either 2006 or 2007. But I didn''t want to go right before my friend, even though I was considering it a little for logistical reasons, and then my brother announces they''re getting married (in our same family summer home) the first week of June 2006. So of course now June 2006 is out. Which means all of 2006 is out. Which means we can''t get married until June 2007.

But that''s not THAT bad (since we aren''t even engaged yet...but it''ll be before Christmas!!!

) except that...we''re getting married at the same PLACE as each other. So ALL of our relatives will have just come for a June wedding at this same specific house in 2006 and then they have to do it again 2007. So it won''t be as special. Plus it''s a very long drive and/or plane ride for EVERYONE. And we have to make sure that we don''t get married in the same exact spot or have the same caterer or whatever because I want it to be a bit different at least. (This house was built by my great great great grandfather in the Adirondack mountains on Lake Champlain in upstate NY and is SOOO gorgeous, and many many generations of my family including my parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins etc have all gotten married there, so just picking another spot is out of the question.)

Sooo end result: I could not be happier for them on a personal level, but I still can''t help thinking why''d you have to do it NOWWWW, this was supposed to be MYYY time!! I was also bitter b/c my friend who''s getting married June 24 said I''d be "stealing her thunder" if we got married before her, even though that was in the context of "now that my brother''s getting married next June, I definitely can''t do it, even though I was thinking I most likely wouldn''t since it would be right before yours."

 

[portia]

decodelighted,

I can''t believe you remember me!! LOL!! That''s too funny. And yes, I know we owe pictures. I''ll see if I can get the FI to take some tonight or tomorrow night. We took some last week in the evening and they looked really bad. What''s the trick to taking good pics? Do we need to take them during the day?

Everyone,

Thanks so much for your advice! I won''t worry about it too much... it was my selfish side coming out! Ooops!!

I''m sure each wedding will be unique enough so that his family will be equally excited for both. My other concern is that now FI''s family will have to split their time (and $$) between two weddings. So if they were going to come out 2 or 3 days before the wedding (which was what everyone was talking about), now they may only be able to do 1, maybe 2 days. But I guess that''s fine, we just wanted to share our very special place with everyone. We''re getting married in Telluride, CO... one of the most beautiful mountain towns I ever been to. Both my family and FI''s family are very adventurous so we wanted to plan time to do some hiking, jeeping and rafting in the days before the wedding.

 

[portia]

albicocca,

Wow, you''re right, we are in a similar situation. When we got engaged, my FI''s brother''s girlfriend said to me "Thanks, you stole our show!" jokingly because they were going to get engaged and had no idea that we were looking for a ring. Funny thing is that we didn''t know they were really serious about it since they hadn''t even gone to look for a ring at the time of our engagement.

Ahhh! This wedding stuff is driving me crazy already!! Vegas is looking better and better!

 

[flutterby]

yeah, well, my little brother met a girl six weeks ago and proposed. They are getting married in january! then having a reception a month after my vegas wedding. I think it is natural to want it to be your thing.... and others can initially feel intrusive. Heres to hoping it works out perfect for all of us!

 

[Caribou]

Awe Portia....

I don't think people would 'forget' your wedding because of his brother's wedding so soon after. At least the important people aren't going to forget it (both parents, G'parents, siblings...most importantly...you, him...if either one of you have children).

You could do something spectacular to insure people remember your wedding...and to make you furture BIL and SIL look at each other and go 'How are we going to top that'.

 

[blondie76]

In very similar situation- need help!

Been dating BF for nearly 3 yrs- we''ve been talking about getting engaged since early 2004 but held off for awhile as we were unsure where our jobs would take us. We''ve since settled at home in Charlotte, NC. Then my younger sister hinted that she and her BF were probably going to get engaged (which they did- summer 2004), so we let them have their time. They, however, did not set a date for nearly a year so my BF and I again talked about getting engaged also. We wanted to wait but were getting anxious because we want to start our life as a married couple! Finally my sis set a date and after a LONG engagement got married at the end of this summer. My BF and I had decided together we would not get engaged until after my younger sister''s wedding was over.

Wedding came and went and just when I thought he would surprise me soon- HIS sister got engaged! They have not set a date either and now I''m getting very frusterated because I feel like we will again have to change our plans because they "got there first." I don''t want everyone to compare weddings either- since they all will be in Charlotte. I was already worried about being too close to MY sisters wedding, especially since we have similar tastes. Part of me wants to just continue with our plan and get engaged in the next few months or whenever that may be (BF wants it to be a "surprise" of course!) and not worry about anyone else...but I don''t want to step on any toes. Am I being too selfish? Have I waited long enough, planning around other people, or should I continue to wait my turn???

 

[Caribou]

Awe blondie....

I wouldn''t put your life on hold.

I can understand putting off an engagement/wedding because of your sisters engagement/wedding. It''s your sister, if you''re parents are helping (going with tradition and assuming) this will aleave some of that stress for them. Also, weddings are more for the bride than the groom......you don''t want to outshine your sister nor do you want to under-shine your sister. However, It''s different when it''s the grooms sister, I don''t think you should continue to put you plans on hold because of that, at least, I wouldn''t.

 

[selflove]

Portia--I totally get where you''re coming from: you''ve waited, which was the polite thing to do for his sister who just got married, now his brother is stepping up to the plate, when it really seems like they should have held off like you guys did. And they''re going to roughly the same place as you guys? You''d think they''d have WANTED to wait a little bit so as to not have their wedding compared to your''s. Or at least picked a different location if they wanted to keep it so close to your''s. Are there some extenuating circumstances that made them choose a date so close to your''s? Plus, I know this is going to sound really petty, but you were together 3 years long than them.

Blondie--no no no no no don''t wait any longer just to be polite to other people! You want to get on with your life as a married couple and that''s exactly what you should do!!

 

[blondie76]

Thanks- I really needed some reassurance.

I agree with Portia- Vegas is sounding better and better!