Need to make peace with waiting

[ellewoods]

Hi everyone. I''m driving myself crazy and I really need advice.

I can''t stop obsessing about getting engaged. My BF and I have been together about 6 years. Met in our early 20s in college, spent the last 3 years long distance. This fall, since we''d both be done with grad school, we planned to move in together in the same city. We''d both start working and move towards getting engaged in the next several months. We''d finally start our adult lives together.

Plan B: unexpectedly I had the opportunity to do another school program across the country. We talked, both decided that I should go. Our plan remains the same, just postponed until I graduate in the spring.

Things are great between us, except I can''t stop obsessing about getting engaged. We have talked about marriage before, looked at rings a few times recently, etc. There are no commitment issues involved. I know that if we weren''t apart, we''d probably be engaged by now or would be very soon. I know that the main reason for us not being engaged is because of my school program and the distance. I understand all the logical reasons behind it. But my emotions won''t follow suit.

Sometimes I can go a few days (or even a week) and be positive about the future, do my studies, live life happily. But other days, I can''t stop obsessing about why we''re not engaged yet. I get depressed we''re not engaged, even though I know the logical reasons why we''re not and I know that we most likely will be within the next 8 months or so. I somehow feel that all of my problems will be solved if we got engaged tomorrow, although I know that''s not the case.

I''ve talked to my BF about this a lot, and he has been very patient and understanding for the most part. He reassures me, tells me we''re doing great and that all of the adult things I want will happen once I graduate and move back in the spring. But my emotional meltdowns seem to happen every other day, and I know he''s getting frustrated with me.

I''m frustrated with me! I hate feeling this way, I hate that I am neglecting other parts of my life because I obsess over when I''m going to get engaged....I hate that I''ve become an annoying, whiny girlfriend. Whenever I hear "A and B got engaged," or "C and D bought a house," or "E and F are having a baby," I feel totally jealous and feel sorry for myself. I''m jealous that everyone else seems to be making progress in life when I''m stuck in limbo land. I feel like I''m stuck at the kiddies table and I''m never going to get invited to the adult party.

I think it''s good that I recognize I have a problem. But I haven''t been able to stop acting this way. Everytime I talk to my boyfriend there''s a demon screaming in the back of my head "when are we getting engaged? when are we getting engaged?" The rational part of my brain is always drowned out by the jealous, selfish part. I guess in some way I feel that because we''re not engaged yet, that means there''s something wrong with me, and that my BF doesn''t love me enough....but I know that''s irrational. Yet I can''t stop feeling 1) sorry for myself; and 2) that there''s something wrong with me, or that I''m not good enough.

It''s really starting to wear on us, and I need to find a way to get back to my normal self. I''m embarassed to admit all of the feelings I just wrote about, but I have to change my outlook and behavior so honesty is a good place to start.

Any advice?

 

[caligal]

Hang in there Elle! I think first off, what you are experiencing is quite normal as many of us are quite excited to start our lives with our fellas. I think what you could do that worked for me is to obsess and plan for a while, I started a binder, and then put it aside and enjoy your life with your boyfriend. Do you have a timeline set for him? That certainly helps!

 

[anchor31]

My situations is very similar to yours. The only thing holding us back from starting our lives together is the fact that I''m away for school, and I couldn''t stop obsessing about getting engaged. I know the logical reasons and I know it''ll happen in around to years, but I couldn''t stop thinking about it!!!

One night this week, I decided I''d had enough. It may sound strange, but I went to bed and told myself: "tomorrow, I will feel content and serene with my situation and concentrate on school," until I feel asleep. I find that sometimes we need to "program" or "deprogram" ourselves. I don''t know if you''re religious or not or what exactly what would work for you, but you can ask God, your guardian angel, etc. to help you, or "talk" to your subconscious. Whatever suits you best. This kind of "self-programming" works wonders, and for a lot of things, you''ll be surprised. I hope it works for you!

 

[ellewoods]

Thanks for the support Caligal.

I have let him know that I definitely want to be engaged by the spring when I graduate and move back (and move in with him). He hasn''t said "yes it will definitely happen by then" but he hasn''t said "no way" either. The problem is, I''ve said that I want it to happen by then, but I still get sad and depressed that we''re not engaged. When I''m rational I''ll think/expect that it will happen by then -- which is about 7 months away -- and I''m OK with it. But when I get emotional and upset and whine about it on the phone to him, he''ll say "well you said May but then you get upset and tell me you want it to happen sooner than May."

So there isn''t an official timeline, but he knows that I want it to happen by May. Of course in guy-time that probably means May to him. I need to back off and just be content that I told him what my timeline is, but I haven''t been able to do that.

I guess I''m also having problems with the idea that I don''t want to pressure him or force him or give him an ultimatum, you know? Because that''s not romantic, and it won''t feel special if I drive him to it right? But at the same time, if I just sit back and keep quiet and pretend everything is wonderful and that I don''t think about it at all, then how do I know its going to happen by May anyway?

Ultimately it all comes down to what he decides, so I need to let go of this obsession for both of our sakes. I guess I just hate that it seems women are always the ones who are ready and have to wait patiently for the guy to come around and ask. Since I would never ask him (it just wouldn''t feel romantic and special like he chose me if I asked).....I guess I just have to wait. I just wish I could find some way to be patient and stop thinking about it all the time.

 

[anchor31]

It''s a good thing you''ve talked and made this clear. I guess now all you can do is trust him. Doing some planning and indulge a bit in the obsession can make it easier to let go too, I think. Hang on, we''re all here to support each other.

 

[snuga]

We are all in the same boat here, so we can all understand parts of your story. I think I am neurotic too and don''t want to pressure my boyfriend into doing something he isn''t (financially) ready to do. Spilling my guts here instead of to my boyfriend is how I cope with things. That way I can get my feelings out in the open (to people who understand) and not put stress or pressure onto my boyfriend. I hope that you can find someway to make all this easier.

Enjoy the last few months being just boyfriend/girlfriend. Admire your ringless finger. Sooner or later these things will all be a distant memory, and who knows, maybe oneday you will wish you had been more patient. So find something that helps you and of course, we are all here to listen and sympathize!!

It stinks to wait, but from what I hear, it will all be worth it.

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohh, I''m so sorry Elle!! I used to feel exactly the same way you do - and the worst part really is just feeling mad at yourself for being stupid and "messing it up" when you know that it''ll happen eventually. I have to admit, the only thing that really helped me was when my boyfriend just volunteered a much sooner deadline (end of the year) than I was expecting, so I am able to just be excited that it''s happening soon FINALLY instead of obsessing. But it really is just a matter of clicking your mind into being happy/excited...and I don''t really know how to make it do that. But I think Anchor''s suggestion might be a good idea. Because what I realized after my boyfriend gave me the new deadline is that nothing actually CHANGED between us. I''m not any more confident that it will happen since I always knew that it would, but I''m just suddenly "okay" with waiting, because this new assurance from him (even though I''d heard a million "it''ll be soon, it won''t be as long as you think" etc''s before) just somehow made me BELIEVE it. So I''m sorry I don''t have a better suggestion, but I really do understand how frustrating it is to feel like that and all I can say is...it really WILL happen for you!!! Just try to think about how lucky you are to be with someone who you know you WILL marry, and enjoy that as much as you can until the time comes!!!!

 

[ello]

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. Many ladies on PS share your feelings – I also go through stages of sadness. It’s really terrible to wait but it’s also a little exciting. I tease my boyfriend that I’m going to buy a really fancy watch for him and keep it for 3 to 4 years…. just to let him know what it was/is like for me to wait.

Don’t worry – the wait will be worth it! Chin up!

 

[leeenie]

I feel exactly the same way...but I think having some kind of end point helps - I brought it up with my boyfriend and he gave me a timeline of before next June - it still sucks waiting, but at least I know he has a plan, and that there is an end in sight. It''s still pretty hard not to obsess about it, especially after coming on here every day and reading about other people and looking at pretty pictures, but it''s best that I don''t pressure him or be that annoying whiny all-consumed obsessive girlfriend, so I''m trying hard not to bring it up at all and trust that he meant what he said. Will he not give you any kind of timeline? Maybe he wants to do it soon and doesn''t want to tell you, but has to keep pushing it back to keep it a surprise?

I know, it totally sucks that this one thing can''t be an equal process or decision between the two of us - the women have to sit around and wait. Plus, we can''t be totally open with our SOs about this subject and that feels weird. But I guess that comes with wanting the whole tradition of being asked and given a ring - I''m sure people who don''t care about that just come to a mutual agreement about geting married and that''s that - but not the rest of us! Also, I know that society is partly making me feel this way - I feel like I''m at the "right stage" to be getting engaged and seeing other people around me who are just makes me want it more. I have to remember that it has nothing to do with anyone else, and it''s just about the two of us.

I''m sure that it''s not because there''s anything wrong with you or that your boyfriend doesn''t want to be with you long term. Men just seem to have other beliefs about this, like timing, practicality, etc. They don''t understand how much women can want to be engaged and how important it seems to us; and definitely not how hard it is to wait!

I just try to remember that it''s a very short time in the long run, and even though the wait seems long, it will be worth it when it actually happens! When he decides to do it, he''ll be into it 100% and it''ll be great.

 

[ellewoods]

Thanks for all of the support and advice everyone!

After feeling a bit blue all day and spilling my emotions out here, I kind of gave myself a pep talk and I''m going to start tomorrow with a positive attitude and concentrate on everything else in my life that''s in the forefront right now. I am lucky to have found such as great BF and things will happen in time, when we''re both ready in all aspects. Of course I''m sure I''ll have more tough days and need to vent, so I thank you all for your kind words and support, even when I''m being irrational and dramatic.

Ries: It''s funny you mentioned the watch.....a while back when I was starting to want to get engaged, I would calm myself down by thinking "when we get engaged I''m going to give BF that beautiful (expensive) watch he''s been wanting as his engagement gift. So we can''t get engaged until I''ve saved enough money for the watch." I know it sounds stupid but it worked for a while. Being back in school I don''t have a watch fund started, but I need to remind myself that it shows me the timing isn''t right yet.

Anchor: I think your idea of letting yourself indulge in planning, etc. is really helpful. I was thinking about going cold turkey from PS but then i realized its a great outlet for me to work out these feelings.

Albi: I totally agree....most of it is me being mad at myself for being so obsessed about it, and acting irrational and emotional and annoying my poor boyfriend. I really dislike the person I am when I get wrapped up in the engagement thing, and I am mad at myself for not being able to stop thnking about it. The last thing I want to do is get so obsessed that I actually ruin the proposal, or annoy my boyfriend so much I''m waiting even longer.

 

[appletini]

Elle, I know how you feel...sometimes its like an emotional rollercoaster. I''ve noticed that PMS definitely makes things worse, and other times I don''t know what triggers it. Just try to stay busy and surround yourself with friends. Sometimes when I''m in one of my moods my BF just happens to call and sounds so excited to talk to me that I immediately feel better. A lot of the time I tend to obsess for no reason, other than I have no control over the situation (we are both control freaks). And of course feel free to vent anytime, it definitely helps.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/7/2005 9:09:20 AM
Author: appletini
Elle, I know how you feel...sometimes its like an emotional rollercoaster. I''ve noticed that PMS definitely makes things worse, and other times I don''t know what triggers it.

Elle I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now, the only advice I can give is that Appletini makes a good point about the PMS. Maybe keep a diary and see if there is a pattern to it, maybe for 10 days a month or so you feel worse. I have recently started taking evening primrose oil capsules for PMS and I feel so much better, it was making me so miserable that I really dreaded every 18 days or so. It might be worth considering, if the blues really start to get on top of you, it might be an idea to have a chat with your doctor - however you pretty much know the reason for these feelings and I hope we will be celebrating with you in the near future.

 

[IndiBlue]

Date: 11/7/2005 9:09:20 AM
Author: appletini
Elle, I know how you feel...sometimes its like an emotional rollercoaster. I''ve noticed that PMS definitely makes things worse, and other times I don''t know what triggers it. Just try to stay busy and surround yourself with friends. Sometimes when I''m in one of my moods my BF just happens to call and sounds so excited to talk to me that I immediately feel better. A lot of the time I tend to obsess for no reason, other than I have no control over the situation (we are both control freaks). And of course feel free to vent anytime, it definitely helps.

I''m noticed the same thing! The more I look around the more anxious I get- without reason. It''s almost as if- the best thing would be for me and my bf to have never discussed the matter- then I wouldn''t even be thinking about it.

Have you noticed that engagments and wedding are all around you! Like last night on Desperate House wifes- Susan was going through some of the same feelings/ thoughts that alot of us are!

I''m also been mysteriously receiving Modern Bride, two issues in ONE week! So the pressure and feeling of impatience is growing!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/7/2005 1:45:00 AM
Author: ellewoods
Thanks for all of the support and advice everyone!

After feeling a bit blue all day and spilling my emotions out here, I kind of gave myself a pep talk and I''m going to start tomorrow with a positive attitude and concentrate on everything else in my life that''s in the forefront right now. I am lucky to have found such as great BF and things will happen in time, when we''re both ready in all aspects. Of course I''m sure I''ll have more tough days and need to vent, so I thank you all for your kind words and support, even when I''m being irrational and dramatic.

Anchor: I think your idea of letting yourself indulge in planning, etc. is really helpful. I was thinking about going cold turkey from PS but then i realized its a great outlet for me to work out these feelings.

Sometimes are harder than other, and it''s a great idea to spill out your feelings here than on your boyfriend, because that would definitely be detrimental for your relationship. It''s so great that we have each other, I think it all more or less save our relationships!

And yes, I have indulged in a bit of planning, narrowed down rings choices, wedding dress and bridemesmaids dress choices, chose my colours, etc. and now not thinking about it is much easier to do. I tried staying away from PS, but I realized the worst way to stop obsessing is to force yourself to, and reading about the other stories do help.

We''re all with you!

 

[AmberWaves]

Don''t worry, Elle, a lot of us (and a lot who aren''t even on PS) are going through the same things. I think in my case it comes down to, doesn''t he want to marry me? Then I hear about him struggling to save (I''ve got to say living on our own is really all about saving and planning) and I feel bad for being the annoying girlfriend. And you are all right, it really does make you feel better to know that you''re not alone. We''re all here to talk with you, and just vent. People move at their own speed and if you pressure (believe me, I know) they might start resenting you for it. You are doing such a good job realizing it''s either causing problems, or WILL cause problems. I can say that is more than I would say about myself. It''s funny, reading what you wrote, I actually started feeling guilty for treating my BF the same way. It will come to all of us, I know. It feels better when you plan what it will be like, I swear!! It''s great to imagine. Anyway, good luck waiting, and don''t think of it as waiting, think of it as a time where you can accomplish everything you wanted to before you''re married. Feel free to PM me, if you want. I''m totally there with you.

 

[nytemist]

ellewoods-

Sometimes it''s so hard, or feels damn near impossible, to handle the ''waiting''. Everyone here who isn''t engaged does or has felt the same way, whether it''s been discussed with their SO or not. So many moments in the past 2 years I have felt "this would be the perfect day to do it"... "will he blindside me and do it sooner than I think?"... "we''re going to NY/Montreal/San Francisco, oooooh will he do it there?" And on and on.

This past year was very tough for me, and other''s advice has hit me upside the head and made me think straight. I have calmed down. I have to stop punishing myself for constantly thinking what''s wrong with me that we aren''t yet, when I''ve been to 9 weddings of childhod friends since 2003. I can''t keep doing that. Things do or don''t happen for a reason. I just have to calm down, not give myself an anxiety attack over it and concentrate on my life goals. This would be my suggestion to you- focus on school and YOUR achievments.

I have to admit that those feelings have been creeping in on me again. I looked at my calendar this morning when I got to work and it''s the kind that numbers the days. I realized that there are 54 days left of my deadline, or should I say Promise That He Made To Me. I know, lots of time to work with and have things good happen, but also these days wil go quick. The evil gnomes in my head are making me think yes it will happen soon but be prepared if it doesn''t-what will you do? hehehehe...

Couple of weeks ago I took a deep breath and said to myself- BF remembers what he told me. No amount of stressing will change that. Try to take it easy on yourself.

 

[Kit]

Elle,

Wow. Can totally sympathize/relate. Just wanted to add another piece to this solid list of good advice/input.

I think that for some of us who are "type A" personalities, who like being in control and have perfectionistic/high acheiving tendencies (I am a card carrying member of that club!), not being in control of when, where and how we get engaged sets off alarm bells in our minds we have trouble fighting. I found this to be the case not only with the engagement issue, but pretty much any issue that I didn't have complete control over. For any variable in my life that was not totally nailed down, I tended to obsess about it until it literally took over all my thoughts. And I dont' know about you, but as a 29 year old my entire adult life has pretty much been one giant question mark. So--lots of anxiety!

Also, I think we all have to recognize the social status that comes along with getting engaged. There is sort of this perceived "club" that we are not members of, and we are not allowed to join, until we have the ring or at least an annoucement. And so this club is exclusive, and fun to be in for the most part, and everyone showers lots of happiness joy and praise on members of this club. So it is just kind of a feeling of being left out too.

I found that letting go of things that were out of my control, which is incredibly hard to do and I work on it every day, does provide some peace. And, trying to get specific on all the details you can will help. Setting an absolute firm deadline with your SO will help. For me, after I set my deadline every time I heard another one of my friends had gotten engaged I just kind of said to myself, well it will be my time by the end of this year. That type of thinking + a good therapist = sanity, for me.

ETA: Talk about this with your SO, because you are both going through this--maybe try to focus more on how he feels about being single, getting engaged, etc. The other day, I was talking with my BF about our upcoming engagement and he said he was also excited about it because he couldn't wait to refer to me as his fiancee, that he was tired of calling me his girlfriend. And that just made me feel like, ok yes, we are feeing the same things here and on the same page! But of course he'd never offer this up on his own, you know how men are. It's the little things that kind of give you hope, you know?