Need to Vent...Best Friend, Same Wedding

[Rock_of_Love]

I feel like my best friend and I are planning the same wedding and it is really bugging me!!

Here''s the story...a little long, but bear with me! Need some advice!

My future FI and I have been together about 7 yrs or so, and we''ve been heading to the altar for a while - we pretty much consider ourselves already married, just haven''t gone through the "act." And, we aren''t "officially" engaged, but we decided to set a date. Many of our friends have been getting married and/or engaged lately and we wanted to make sure we let our friends know so we didn''t have anyone getting married close to or in the same month!

So, we decided to informally "announce" to our friends that we will be getting married in October of 2010. Well, literally, not long after that, one of my other best friends, who has been dating this guy for 6 months, gets engaged and is getting married in May/June of 2010.

To be honest, at first I was excited...the friend who just got engaged is one of my best friends, so I thought, how great it will be to do all the wedding planning together!! Well, the problem is, we are planning the SAME WEDDING!!

All of my close friends have always known that my FFI and I want to get married in Mexico...we travelled there early in our relationship and we have a place that is really special to us. Also, we love the culture. So, I have been saving pics, bookmarking sites, picking favors...flowers...bm dresses...etc...for a long time! You girls all know how obsessive we can get with the planning and dreaming!!

My friend, who is also part Mexican, is also planning a Mexican themed wedding. No biggie, as I figured she would since she is Mexican. Well, it has been getting to me lately because as we are comparing notes on everything from the cake, the food, the colors, the veil, the decor, the bm dresses, and it is like everything that I have already researched, bookmarked, and thought of, she is doing. She just called me to tell me about this veil she wants to wear...it is the same veil I already picked out!

I want to share ideas with her because to me that is part of the fun. But, literally, I''m feeling like if I share any more, she will incorporate them into her own wedding. It''s beggining to bug me, I suppose I need to take a chill pill, but, what would you do? Change some of the details about your wedding? Keep ''em the same...who cares if you end up having a lot of similarities? Would you say something to her to "clear the air" - like, "do you think it will be strange that our weddings will be so similar"?

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry you feel hurt. You are going to get ALOT of conflicting advice regarding this, by the way.

My inital reaction... you aren't engaged, so she can have whatever wedding she wants.

After reading the whole thing, I find it odd that one of your "best friends", supposedly knowing that you have always wanted a Mexican themed wedding, would do that exact same thing. I think that is something that is VERY rare, and will stick in lots of people's minds. I have many friends that have gotten married, whom are Mexican or part, and not one of them had a Mexican themed wedding, so I'm not really sure why you would "know she wanted to do that", unless she had said something about it before.

If she really did know that you have wanted this forever, and is ignoring your plan, then I think she is not a friend at all. If the theme you are talking about is what I'm imagining, and I'm imagining pinatas, then you need to be honest with her. Are you sure she knew? Did she know you were cutting out pictures?

Also, I think whether or not you confront her, has a lot to do with how "Mexican" you are talking? Pinatas and sombraros, or just color pallets that are similar to south of the border like purple, yellow, green, and blue?

 

[Rock_of_Love]

I understand your reaction by saying we are not "engaged"...but believe me, this is a whole other topic for me and my friends. We recently had this debate with another one of our friends...he asked her parents, they set a date, started planning, secured a venue...and then weren''t "officially" engaged until a few months before their wedding date. Reason why? They took a while picking out a ring...he wanted to propose with a ring...so, technically, the official proposal was held up until they got the ring.

So, in my group of friends, for some reason, we are all older, many have been with our SO''s for a long time, etc. And, this is pretty much our case, too. We could''ve/should''ve been engaged by now, but I want something really specific for my ring...so, it is taking some time to be "officially" engaged. But, we both pretty much consider ourselves "engaged." Just no ring yet...

I didn''t know she would want a mexican themed wedding at all. In fact, I have seen pictures that she has clipped prevously of what she wanted for her wedding...and it was NOT mexican themed.

So, my theme has been sort of "mexican fiesta"...imagine the colorful mexican flags (papel picado) - hot pink, orange, yellow, red - I''ll post a pic that I sent her (maybe mistakenly) and she was like, "yes, this is exactly what I was thinking." I thought, huh?? I just sent you a pic of what I was thinking!

 

[meresal]

ROL, I understand how you feel about the engaged thing, there are lots of people doing the same thing... I'm just saying, that just because you know you are getting engaged, other people might not see it that way, and might not see "your plan/ideas" as an actual plan, but more of a hopeful plan. Does that make sense?

How long has she been planning with this idea? By that I mean, how long ago did you send her the picture?

 

[katamari]

I understand your frustration, but I don''t think it would be too big a deal. The majority of both your invite lists will be family, and they will have no idea what your friend did. Plus, as someone at the end of the whole wedding planning experience, I would be stoked if one of my friends was using a bunch of the same decorations as me because that means I could borrow them and wouldn''t have to spend a ton of money and have half my apartment filled with wedding crap (yes, I have entered into the jaded, just-get-here-already-wedding stage).

 

[Rock_of_Love]

She just started planning a few days ago. One of our best friends just got married a few weeks ago (the one who wasn''t "officially" engaged but a few months before). So, I think we both started *seriously* planning after that...since our friend''s festivities were now over, time to move on to the others - hers and mine.

I have been informally planning mine for about 2/3 years...but I just started making reservations for venues and such this month. She just started planning and getting ideas this month, she only got engaged a month ago, and has only just been dating the guy 6 months. And, she has never been the type to pre-plan or "dream" about her wedding. The only pic she did ever share that she liked through the years was of a very intimate dinner in a fancy venue - think wine country/chandeliers/fine linens/etc.

I just sent her this pic 2 days ago. This is the one I sent:

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Here is a pic of the dress, veil and bouquet that I have had saved FOREVER!! This is the "look" I want to wear. And, this is the veil she just described that she wants.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/3/2009 4:59:27 PM
Author: katamari
I understand your frustration, but I don''t think it would be too big a deal. The majority of both your invite lists will be family, and they will have no idea what your friend did. Plus, as someone at the end of the whole wedding planning experience, I would be stoked if one of my friends was using a bunch of the same decorations as me because that means I could borrow them and wouldn''t have to spend a ton of money and have half my apartment filled with wedding crap (yes, I have entered into the jaded, just-get-here-already-wedding stage).

Same invite lists - family, no (well, some will be same - my parents, her parents, some of our friends'' parents), but, friends, yes. We have a pretty tight group of friends and they will all be invited to both.

And, yes, I was thinking the same thing about decorations...problem is, my wedding will be in Mexico and hers is here in the states, so might be tough to travel with decorations!

 

[brightlight]

I apoloize if this sounds harsh, b/c I don''t intend it to be. I guess I don''t understand why physically having the ring is a big enough thing that you don''t classify yourself as being engaged. Yet, at the same time, you''re behaving as if you are engaged by announcing a wedding date and openly planning a wedding and also expect others to also behave as though you are engaged. Can you wear your diamond in a temporary setting until you get the design you want?

 

[LadyBlue]

Maybe your friend is really happy, and since she did not have any idea of what would be her ideal wedding, she is just getting all your ideas as hers. I don''t think she is doing it with to be mean with you, I think she is doing it with out even think that she is using your ideas as hers.

What I will do is send some nice wedding pics, from where she can have some ideas, that are good, but not yours. Maybe if you help her to find some good ideas, she will love that and do it. And from now to the your wedding day, keep your ideas just for yourself.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/3/2009 5:29:52 PM
Author: brightlight
I apoloize if this sounds harsh, b/c I don''t intend it to be. I guess I don''t understand why physically having the ring is a big enough thing that you don''t classify yourself as being engaged. Yet, at the same time, you''re behaving as if you are engaged by announcing a wedding date and openly planning a wedding and also expect others to also behave as though you are engaged. Can you wear your diamond in a temporary setting until you get the design you want?

Actually, you don''t sound harsh, because I *do* consider myself engaged. It is typically society that supposedly dictates you have to have a ring, blah, blah, etc.

Our families consider us engaged, our friends consider us engaged, we *just* don''t have a ring. So, some might not "officially" consider us engaged. But, our friends and family do, and that is what matters to us.

So, I was really hoping not to start this debate, as I mentioned in an earlier post, this is a *whole other topic.*

Moving on, any advice on the SAME wedding issue?? If it helps, just please assume I am engaged...maybe I just shouldn''t have mentioned the ring thing.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/3/2009 5:37:48 PM
Author: Rock_of_Love

Date: 7/3/2009 5:29:52 PM
Author: brightlight
I apoloize if this sounds harsh, b/c I don't intend it to be. I guess I don't understand why physically having the ring is a big enough thing that you don't classify yourself as being engaged. Yet, at the same time, you're behaving as if you are engaged by announcing a wedding date and openly planning a wedding and also expect others to also behave as though you are engaged. Can you wear your diamond in a temporary setting until you get the design you want?

Actually, you don't sound harsh, because I *do* consider myself engaged. It is typically society that supposedly dictates you have to have a ring, blah, blah, etc.

Our families consider us engaged, our friends consider us engaged, we *just* don't have a ring. So, some might not 'officially' consider us engaged. But, our friends and family do, and that is what matters to us.

So, I was really hoping not to start this debate, as I mentioned in an earlier post, this is a *whole other topic.*

Moving on, any advice on the SAME wedding issue?? If it helps, just please assume I am engaged...maybe I just shouldn't have mentioned the ring thing.

Gotcha. I don't think you need a ring to be engaged either.

In my experience regardless of how similar or different two brides want their weddings to be and regardless of how close the friendship is between two brides, there always seems to be a sense of competition that arises.

Do you always tell her your ideas first or are there also times when she tells you her ideas and they happen to be similar?

I guess if I were you I would stop sharing specifics about my wedding. I don't know how close your ideas and her ideas are, but if you want your wedding to be unique you might want to tweak the details of your weddings that are similar. There's a long time before your wedding, so I think your details will evolve and be refined over time anyway.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 7/3/2009 5:34:38 PM
Author: gaby06
Maybe your friend is really happy, and since she did not have any idea of what would be her ideal wedding, she is just getting all your ideas as hers. I don''t think she is doing it with to be mean with you, I think she is doing it with out even think that she is using your ideas as hers.


What I will do is send some nice wedding pics, from where she can have some ideas, that are good, but not yours. Maybe if you help her to find some good ideas, she will love that and do it. And from now to the your wedding day, keep your ideas just for yourself.

Good advice Gaby!

 

[LilyKat]

I doubt she intends any harm by doing it - she probably just thinks you have great ideas, and many people do think imitation = flattery. I suspect in the end it really won''t matter to anyone how similar your weddings are. That said, I can see why it would get a bit frustrating for you for your ideas to be "borrowed", especially as her wedding is first.

I wouldn''t say anything negative to her, but I would restrain myself from sharing too many details in future. You can join in the general wedding planning excitement, but choose another friend to divulge the specifics too.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/3/2009 6:04:55 PM
Author: brightlight

Gotcha. I don''t think you need a ring to be engaged either.

In my experience regardless of how similar or different two brides want their weddings to be and regardless of how close the friendship is between two brides, there always seems to be a sense of competition that arises.

Do you always tell her your ideas first or are there also times when she tells you her ideas and they happen to be similar?

I guess if I were you I would stop sharing specifics about my wedding. I don''t know how close your ideas and her ideas are, but if you want your wedding to be unique you might want to tweak the details of your weddings that are similar. There''s a long time before your wedding, so I think your details will evolve and be refined over time anyway.

I don''t really know which came first - I do know that I have loosely mentioned my wedding ideas in the past, but she is not the type to take note of the details. Whereas, I think I am a bit more concientious in this regard. If she had mentioned an idea to me, I probably would remember it as hers and not "copy" it.

So, I do think this is a case of her not doing anything intentional, but her just sharing her ideas, and they just happen to be coincidentally VERY similar. But, it is frustrating nonetheless.

I think you have good advice...I''m not going to share specifics anymore, and I think I am going to tweak things somewhat. I was debating two different color schemes, but now I''m definitely staying away from the one that is similar. And, I''m starting to feel better now that you guys have let me vent a bit!!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

gaby - You know, you may be on to something...maybe I can steer her towards ideas that are different than mine altogether. This is her "inspiration" pic she sent me linky - she liked the 1st and 3rd pic, and she is describing the idea as "trendy ethnic." So, any of you wedding board gurus have any ideas that match with "trendy ethnic" that I could send her?

lilykat - Yeah, it is *especially* frustrating that her wedding is first, so it is bothering me more that when people attend my wedding that have also attended hers, they will say, "awww...this looks just like what so-and-so just had at her wedding."

 

[LadyBlue]

I don''t have any idea about a "trendy ethnic" wedding. But what about this cake.

 

[LadyBlue]

I like this colors, Rosa mexicano.

 

[iheartscience]

That''s annoying. I would stop sharing your ideas with her immediately to prevent her from taking any more of them. Since she doesn''t have any of her own ideas, once she stops getting yours her interest in a similar wedding may fade.

I would probably say something to her about it, too, but that''s just me. Sometimes imitation isn''t the sincerest form of flattery!

 

[honey22]

It's frustrating and disappointing, but when it comes down to it, if you are officially engaged or not, you can't stop another person from making decisions on their wedding, even if they did steal them all from you.

Be the better person here, rise above it all, and focus your energies into planning a better, more stylish Mexicana wedding. After all, she is having her's before your's, you can take notes and learn from her mistakes

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/3/2009 8:00:28 PM
Author: honey22
It''s frustrating and disappointing, but when it comes down to it, if you are officially engaged or not, you can''t stop another person from making decisions on their wedding, even if they did steal them all from you.

Be the better person here, rise above it all, and focus your energies into planning a better, more stylish Mexicana wedding. After all, she is having her''s before your''s, you can take notes and learn from her mistakes

I love it!! That''s great advice!!

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly? There''s nothing for you to be annoyed about if her ideas just happen to be similar to yours.

Does it suck a bit? Yes. But if she''s sharing her ideas with you first and they happen to be similar to yours then she didn''t do anything wrong because she didn''t know.

Now if you told her all about your dream wedding or sent her pictures and said "this is what I am planning for MY wedding" and she said "ohh-I love that! I am doing that too!" then you''d have a legitimate beef with her.

For now I would either take one of 2 roads:

1. Tell her EVERYTHING you are doing so you can have a legitimate beef with her if she copies (and if she''s a good friend she shouldn''t copy you exactly without asking).

2. Tell her NOTHING and just work on making your wedding unique as it possibly can be.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t want to offend you...because I know you''re annoyed...but I want to put a spin on this that might help you get over your frusteration...

1. None of those idea''s are original...and none of them are exclusively yours. When you find "ideas" on websites highlighting different weddings...it''s because they have been done before, and they were good, and the couple wanted to share their creativity to inspire anyone who is interested. So while the cake and dress and decor pictures you posted are fantastic...they are someone elses. Getting upset because both of you like them and want to incorporate them in each of your two weddings doesn''t make much sense. Bottom line: very, very little is "original" anymore...people think outside of the box more now than ever before.

2. You''re having a destination wedding, she''s not. This means you''ll have different vendors...different vendors mean different outcomes. Yes, you both may have bold, tropical colors...but her pink might be more rose while yours may be hotter. You will have different "in bloom" flowers in October in Mexico than she will have in August. She will have a different staff work on her details than you will. Different venues will play a factor to. You will have different weddings.

3. She''s a bride, too. She just wants her wedding to be fantastic...this is her dream. You may be more creative, resourceful, a better researcher...whatever the case. She probably considers herself lucky to know you, and have such a wonderful friend. Just like you--she probably feels that this process is more fun with you.

Try not to let this upset you. Focus on making your wedding everything you want it to be...and let her have the wedding of her dreams, too. You''ll stay best friends...and have two fantastic parties.

P.S: I know it feels like your relationship is more organic because you''ve been together longer...but in the grand scheme of things, just because people have a shorter courtship doesn''t make their relationship any less valuable.

 

[HollyS]

Yes, a wedding is a reflection of your personal tastes. And by stealing your ideas, she is essentially stealing your thunder. So stop sharing. Anything. At all. Let her plan her own wedding without taking your ideas. Let''s see what she does when you are no longer basically planning her wedding for her as an unpaid consultant.

But, to be completely fair, you are not engaged. No ring, no stated commitment, no definite date. Talking about it does not mean it is definitely, positively, absolutely, no question about it, happening. You can collect ideas (we all did), you can formulate a plan to incorporate the elements that would be important to you . . . but you cannot make actual concrete plans when you are not engaged. And you have not set a date. It''s a moot point.

Also, getting married in Mexico is not, and will not, be the same as a Mexican-themed wedding. Destination weddings are, by their very nature, different. I don''t think mutual guests will be comparing the two for similarities. Especially if you stop giving her your ideas.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/4/2009 2:33:23 AM
Author: HollyS
Yes, a wedding is a reflection of your personal tastes. And by stealing your ideas, she is essentially stealing your thunder. So stop sharing. Anything. At all. Let her plan her own wedding without taking your ideas. Let''s see what she does when you are no longer basically planning her wedding for her as an unpaid consultant.

But, to be completely fair, you are not engaged. No ring, no stated commitment, no definite date. Talking about it does not mean it is definitely, positively, absolutely, no question about it, happening. You can collect ideas (we all did), you can formulate a plan to incorporate the elements that would be important to you . . . but you cannot make actual concrete plans when you are not engaged. And you have not set a date. It''s a moot point.

Also, getting married in Mexico is not, and will not, be the same as a Mexican-themed wedding. Destination weddings are, by their very nature, different. I don''t think mutual guests will be comparing the two for similarities. Especially if you stop giving her your ideas.

Ditto. No two weddings are exactly the same. There are a million different dresses, cakes, veils, decorations etc. that you can chose so your wedding will be unique. When it comes to my wedding plans I don''t tell my girlfirends EVERYTHING and there''s no need for you to either.

p.s you''ve been with your man 7 years - the lack of a ring shouldn''t stop you making your engagement official.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 7/3/2009 8:00:28 PM
Author: honey22
It''s frustrating and disappointing, but when it comes down to it, if you are officially engaged or not, you can''t stop another person from making decisions on their wedding, even if they did steal them all from you.

Be the better person here, rise above it all, and focus your energies into planning a better, more stylish Mexicana wedding. After all, she is having her''s before your''s, you can take notes and learn from her mistakes

That''s exactly what i was thinking! (you''re always so smart honey

) Think of her wedding as the dress rehersal, there will be plenty of time for you to tweak your ideas so they are not exactly like hers. Plus you are actually getting married in Mexico, as opposed to have a mexican themed wedding in the states, no matter how well her wedding is planned, you just can''t buy the authenticity of the real thing!

I do know how it feels to have someone ''steal'' your ideas. Before i was officially engaged i went with a friend to look at a beautiful resort where i wanted to have it all, i had looked everything up on the internet, worked out a menu and drinks list, guest list, right down to the budget, i just hadn''t seen the place in person as it was 4 hours away. Anyway, we were both down in the area for work and we went to have a look. While we were sitting on the balcony eating our dinner, watching the sun set and whales frolick in the ocean, my friend calls her mum and says.. "I have found it mum! this is it! this is where i want to get married!!!" Seriously, i was ready to jump across the table in order to wring her neck, but of course i didn''t.

 

[cocolaw]

i didn''t read all of the responses, but if you think she is stealing your ideas STOP SENDING HER PICTURES!!I think that since she is half-Mexican, it is to be expected that having a Mexican themed wedding would not be outside of the realm of things she might want to do. That said, a Mexican themed wedding can be done in MANY ways!!! Don''t share your stylish ideas otherwise you will end up with the same event (if she really is copying you)! Sorry, I can''t imagine how frustrating that is!!

 

[cocolaw]

and by the way, the "engaged v. not engaged" thing bothers me. it''s such a silly distinction people try to make. some couples get engaged after knowing each other for 2 months, and then have 3 year engagements so that they can get to know each other before committing to marriage. to me, that is much less committal than the position that you are in. a ring is just that. it''s your intentions that matter! my fiance has some friends who have been dating 8 years, living together 5, who have now decided to get married. they have a date, she has a dress. he has not officially "proposed" and she does not have a ring, but they mutually decided to get married. they are engaged to be married, just like it sounds like you are!!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/3/2009 11:21:05 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I don''t want to offend you...because I know you''re annoyed...but I want to put a spin on this that might help you get over your frusteration...

1. None of those idea''s are original...and none of them are exclusively yours. When you find ''ideas'' on websites highlighting different weddings...it''s because they have been done before, and they were good, and the couple wanted to share their creativity to inspire anyone who is interested. So while the cake and dress and decor pictures you posted are fantastic...they are someone elses. Getting upset because both of you like them and want to incorporate them in each of your two weddings doesn''t make much sense. Bottom line: very, very little is ''original'' anymore...people think outside of the box more now than ever before.

2. You''re having a destination wedding, she''s not. This means you''ll have different vendors...different vendors mean different outcomes. Yes, you both may have bold, tropical colors...but her pink might be more rose while yours may be hotter. You will have different ''in bloom'' flowers in October in Mexico than she will have in August. She will have a different staff work on her details than you will. Different venues will play a factor to. You will have different weddings.

3. She''s a bride, too. She just wants her wedding to be fantastic...this is her dream. You may be more creative, resourceful, a better researcher...whatever the case. She probably considers herself lucky to know you, and have such a wonderful friend. Just like you--she probably feels that this process is more fun with you.

Try not to let this upset you. Focus on making your wedding everything you want it to be...and let her have the wedding of her dreams, too. You''ll stay best friends...and have two fantastic parties.

P.S: I know it feels like your relationship is more organic because you''ve been together longer...but in the grand scheme of things, just because people have a shorter courtship doesn''t make their relationship any less valuable.

Thanks, Italia, this is exactly what I needed to hear. She is a bride, too, and wants a fantastic wedding, as do I. And, you are right, just the fact that they are in totally different locations with totally different vendors, they will be different.

I know the ideas aren''t original...and to be honest, even if I did have an original idea, I wouldn''t care at all if lots of people copied it, just NOT my best friend who is having a wedding just months before mine.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 7/4/2009 2:33:23 AM
Author: HollyS
Yes, a wedding is a reflection of your personal tastes. And by stealing your ideas, she is essentially stealing your thunder. So stop sharing. Anything. At all. Let her plan her own wedding without taking your ideas. Let''s see what she does when you are no longer basically planning her wedding for her as an unpaid consultant.

But, to be completely fair, you are not engaged. No ring, no stated commitment, no definite date. Talking about it does not mean it is definitely, positively, absolutely, no question about it, happening. You can collect ideas (we all did), you can formulate a plan to incorporate the elements that would be important to you . . . but you cannot make actual concrete plans when you are not engaged. And you have not set a date. It''s a moot point.

Also, getting married in Mexico is not, and will not, be the same as a Mexican-themed wedding. Destination weddings are, by their very nature, different. I don''t think mutual guests will be comparing the two for similarities. Especially if you stop giving her your ideas.

I understand why some may not consider us engaged without a ring, but as I mentioned in an earlier post, we do consider ourselves engaged, as do our friends and family. And we have set a date...I am already reserving villas, etc. for that weekend, and we let our families and friends know the date.

But, thank you for the advice...I don''t think I will be as *open* to sharing as I was, especially the specifics that I have already ironed out. And, you are right, because it is a destination wedding, it will be different anyway!