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NEED TO VENT!

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LadyluvsLuxury

Brilliant_Rock
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Ok.. I know I am a newbie here but I just have to VENT to an unbiased party! I knew since 2004 that next year I have two weddings to attend (both of them I am in) and my brother''s graduation to attend. Since I started a new job in 2003, I have not had ANY vacation time so I have been building up the last two years...hubby and I haven''t had a real vacation in this time. So we had been planning a trip for Feb-Apr of next year, b/c the two weddings are in August/September and the graduation is in June...and this year is out. WELL, come to find out one of my good cousins is getting married and guess what the date is....MARCH 19, 2006 in Miami (where we have NO family, however all of his fiancee''s family resides in that area)...but I digress. Well, prior to looking the date on the calendar I assumed the wedding was on a Saturday and so hubby and I decided that we could kill two birds with one stone by crusing out of the Miami area the Sunday after the wedding...we found quite a few cruises leaving from the area that weekend and was deciding on one when something just told us to look on a calendar. WHHHHYY is March 19th a Sunday!!! Well I just couldn''t believe that was the actual date. So I contacted my cousin to ask him if he was sure it was the 19th and not the 18th? And he said "yes, it''s the 19th a Sunday"....well my first instinct was to ask him if he didn''t think it selfish that he planned a wedding on a Sunday when none of his family lives within a 5 hour radius of Miami (and then it is only his parents, my parents and our grandmother). The rest of our family is in VA (me and my hubby), NY and NJ..... When I planned my wedding I purposefully polled our family (which is extremely large, 12 siblings just on my mother''s side then multiply that exponentially to get cousins etc.) to see around what time frame would fit most people because family is extremely important to me. So we had a summer wedding (when kids were out of school) and we had it on a Saturday, and everyone attended my wedding. Also, because we had relatives in the area many were able to stay with the relatives that lived there. When I spoke to other family members they voiced the same concern and stated they would not be attending (which my cousin doesn''t know about). So should I say something to him? Is it terrible to not go on our vacation to spend the money and time going to his wedding (which obviously being planned without the thought of HIS side of the family)...I HATE being in this position but my hubby and REALLY need a vacation and that is the only time frame (in the next 1.5 years, after waiting 2 years already) that we had set aside to go.....HELP! Sorry for the super long vent! Maybe I''m just being selfish
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I can see why you''re frustrated, but I must say that you should figure out what the circumstances are for their choosing that date. For one thing, it may be that they have a limited wedding budget and therefore cannot afford to have their wedding on a Saturday. Also, it could be that the 19th is a special day for them (I knew I wanted to get married in July on the 17th or 27th because those are special dates for my FH and me). You have to remember that it''s their wedding, and they need to do what works for them. IMO, if you''re close to your cousin the best thing you can do is explain your situation. Maybe you can come up with a compromise such as visiting with the happy couple before you take off on your trip.
 
Date: 5/23/2005 8:20:09 PM
Author: researcher
I can see why you''re frustrated, but I must say that you should figure out what the circumstances are for their choosing that date. For one thing, it may be that they have a limited wedding budget and therefore cannot afford to have their wedding on a Saturday. Also, it could be that the 19th is a special day for them (I knew I wanted to get married in July on the 17th or 27th because those are special dates for my FH and me). You have to remember that it''s their wedding, and they need to do what works for them. IMO, if you''re close to your cousin the best thing you can do is explain your situation. Maybe you can come up with a compromise such as visiting with the happy couple before you take off on your trip.
Researcher - I completely agree with the "it''s their special day" sentiment. When I probed my cousin about it (without blantantly revealing my motive) he just basically said that "she picked it". I just know that he, like me, believes that family is important and because ours is scattered all over the east coast weddings and to a lesser extent funerals is the only chance we all get together. I just don''t think (as a man) he truly understands that many people will not attend b/c of this decision. I don''t know maybe seeing them off will be the best thing.
 
It can be significantly cheaper to plan a wedding on a Sunday than a Saturday. and sometimes you just have to choose from what dates are available. What about going on a cruise that starts the sunday before and returns that Saturday...then you''re there for the wedding and can take off after it?
 
Yeah, try and find out the reasoning. As a fellow man, I can attest that the other grooms/grooms to be that I''ve talked to, we all didn''t care about the date all that much. It may be that she picked it, or their circumstances dictated it have to be on a sunday and not a saturday.

If he doesn''t know, ask him. Maybe they can still move it. If he has no real good reason, I''d totally feel comfortable saying, "I wish you the best, but due to finances/job, we''re unable to make it. Thanks so much for inviting us though." Almost certainly, he won''t be all that offended.

I have cousins who aren''t coming. They have to fly far too. Am I upset? No. Guys generally aren''t wired that way. My (and most guy''s) thought process goes something like this: they have to fly far; lots of trouble for them; good enough for m... fiancee wants me to decide between cream or ivory paper for the invitations? What''s the bloody difference?!? Cousins, what cousins. We were talking about cousins?
 
Date: 5/23/2005 8:41:37 PM
Author: Blue824
It can be significantly cheaper to plan a wedding on a Sunday than a Saturday. and sometimes you just have to choose from what dates are available. What about going on a cruise that starts the sunday before and returns that Saturday...then you''re there for the wedding and can take off after it?
That is a good one... I will have to look into that and see what they have leaving the week before!
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But should I say something because of the other family members not going?
 
We were married on Sunday, 8/15/04...the last Summer date available for our choice of locations last year! I guess I was lucky that our family and friends were able to make it -- most just took the next day off and celebrated like it was a Saturday anyway! If you can''t go...you can''t go! I''m sure they wouldn''t want you to go out of your way and resent having to attend their wedding on a day that''s inconvenient for you. If you do decide to change your mind, I think it''s an excellent idea to do the cruise first! klr
 
Date: 5/23/2005 8:47:15 PM
Author: codex57
Yeah, try and find out the reasoning. As a fellow man, I can attest that the other grooms/grooms to be that I''ve talked to, we all didn''t care about the date all that much. It may be that she picked it, or their circumstances dictated it have to be on a sunday and not a saturday.

If he doesn''t know, ask him. Maybe they can still move it. If he has no real good reason, I''d totally feel comfortable saying, ''I wish you the best, but due to finances/job, we''re unable to make it. Thanks so much for inviting us though.'' Almost certainly, he won''t be all that offended.

I have cousins who aren''t coming. They have to fly far too. Am I upset? No. Guys generally aren''t wired that way. My (and most guy''s) thought process goes something like this: they have to fly far; lots of trouble for them; good enough for m... fiancee wants me to decide between cream or ivory paper for the invitations? What''s the bloody difference?!? Cousins, what cousins. We were talking about cousins?

LOL Codex you gave me some insight into a man''s mind! I just don''t want him to not even think about that expecting that all these people are going to come and then the day arrives and he walks out and it''s 100 of her family and friends, and his mom/dad and our grandma lol
 
I too believe family is extremely important, but I also know that you can''t please everyone all the time. Would I love to have all my family come to my wedding? Of course! My family is like yours in that weddings, graduations, and funerals are the only times we all get together. That being said, when planning my wedding I made sure my parents, brother, grandparents, and closest friends would be available, as well as my SO''s parents, siblings, etc. Once we knew they could all make it that was good enough for us! While I would LOVE for everyone to be able to attend, it''s just not possible. Fortunately, the people who can''t make it to our wedding are just honored to be invited and are taking no offense at not being able to attend (some of them have children who start school the Monday following our wedding). I guess my point is you have to remember that this is a wedding they''re planning, not a family reunion. Like you I''m sure they would love for everyone to attend, but it is their day and they need to do what''s best for them. I think the suggestion to plan your trip before the wedding is a great one! It''s a lot harder for them to change their wedding date to suit your needs than for you to change your vacation to meet their schedule
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Again, I understand where you''re coming from and think it''s so great that you want to be there to support the couple, but at the same time I don''t think they are being selfish for having their wedding on a Sunday.
 
Date: 5/23/2005 8:52:10 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury

LOL Codex you gave me some insight into a man's mind! I just don't want him to not even think about that expecting that all these people are going to come and then the day arrives and he walks out and it's 100 of her family and friends, and his mom/dad and our grandma lol

If that startling fact even registers, it might not bother him all that much. Plus, he may not even realize it until after the wedding... and someone brings it up to his attention. Particularly if his groomsmen are his friends. He may be so wrapped up in making sure he does everything he's supposed to and not screw up, having his friends there may distract him sufficiently that he doesn't even notice which guests showed up exactly.

We try to be more sensitive and attuned to things that would bother pretty much every girl, but sometimes, we're just cavemen and this stuff is just over our heads. Guys constantly do things to each other that if girls did it amongst themselves, would cause a horrible outcry of how rude the behavior is. Guys don't even notice.

For example (I hope you find this amusing cuz that's what's intended), here's how I asked one of my closest friends to be one of my groomsmen (as best as I remember it, word for word):

Me: Dude, you know I'm getting married right?
Him: Figured you would. When?
Me: October. Can you be one of my groomsmen?
Him: What does that entail?
Me: You showing up in a tux and standing next to me.
Him: Ok.
... Conversations proceeds on to cars ...

I overheard my fiancee ask one of her g/f's to be her bridesmaid and there was lots of talk about how honored they were, squealing, crying, etc. It lasted a LOT longer than the 15 seconds or so it took me to ask.
 
LOL Codex....guess I should read the book "Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus"
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. I like the suggestion of checking on crusies the week before the wedding, I will definitely have to do that!
 
Date: 5/23/2005 9:02:12 PM
Author: codex57

Date: 5/23/2005 8:52:10 PM
Author: LadyluvsLuxury

LOL Codex you gave me some insight into a man''s mind! I just don''t want him to not even think about that expecting that all these people are going to come and then the day arrives and he walks out and it''s 100 of her family and friends, and his mom/dad and our grandma lol

If that startling fact even registers, it might not bother him all that much. Plus, he may not even realize it until after the wedding... and someone brings it up to his attention. Particularly if his groomsmen are his friends. He may be so wrapped up in making sure he does everything he''s supposed to and not screw up, having his friends there may distract him sufficiently that he doesn''t even notice which guests showed up exactly.

We try to be more sensitive and attuned to things that would bother pretty much every girl, but sometimes, we''re just cavemen and this stuff is just over our heads. Guys constantly do things to each other that if girls did it amongst themselves, would cause a horrible outcry of how rude the behavior is. Guys don''t even notice.

For example (I hope you find this amusing cuz that''s what''s intended), here''s how I asked one of my closest friends to be one of my groomsmen (as best as I remember it, word for word):

Me: Dude, you know I''m getting married right?
Him: Figured you would. When?
Me: October. Can you be one of my groomsmen?
Him: What does that entail?
Me: You showing up in a tux and standing next to me.
Him: Ok.
... Conversations proceeds on to cars ...

I overheard my fiancee ask one of her g/f''s to be her bridesmaid and there was lots of talk about how honored they were, squealing, crying, etc. It lasted a LOT longer than the 15 seconds or so it took me to ask.
Sounds just like the conversation when i asked my mate to be my best man...

Me: Oi gobshite
Him: yip
Me: wanna be ma best man?
Him: Aye go on then, your round!
Me: 2 bottles of Newcastle Brown barmaid...
 
personallly, i think its their wedding and to question them at all is inappropriate.

it sounds more like blaming them because you have to make a decision you don''t want to make. and that decision is whether to attend the wedding or to take your much needed vacation. it really does seem a bit siimple to me but then i tend to break things down to simple terms.

its not like they called and asked when you''d be available. its not like you aren''t maxed out with other other weddings and the graduation. perhaps its time to take a break from family, friends, and everyone else and get away with hubby for a good break.

if i were feeling the way you sound, i''d have said i''m sorry but we''ve already got our reservations in place and won''t be able to attend. sorry to miss the event but we''ll make plans to celebrate with you at another time.

sometimes you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.....

peace, movie zombie
 
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