Need your opinions ladies....

[NakedFinger]

Ok. need your opinions on your engagement ring purchases....Who is shopping and/or buying your ring with your FF prior to your formal engagement? My question is....would you rather go buy your ring together (lessening the surprise of the proposal), and have him propose with the ring. Or would you rather he propose without a ring (more of a surprise), and then go buy the ring together?

To include all variables that would assist in your input....My bf and I been together since high school (16), 8 1/2 years, and have lived together for the last 2. We don't rent, we own a home together, both of our names are on the mortgage. And we maintain a home together. Both pay the mortgage, share bills etc. So really his bills are my bills, and my bills are his bills...so this will include the engagement ring as well. Since we have been together for so long, and both know the engagement is happening, and because I am very particular on the kind of ring I want (lol), the plan is to go buy the ring together. Its not like its been 10 months or something, and he is going to catch me completely off guard and hope I say yes lol.

I cant decide what I want. On one had, I think I wouldn't feel like we were really engaged without the ring....or like it wouldn't feel like a proposal. I wouldn't know whether to get excited and tell everyone when he asks, or wait until I have the ring on....lol. But....buying the ring ahead item would really be the tip off that the proposal was coming, and therefore wouldn't be as much of a surprise....but I just always pictured him down on his knee with an open ring box and the romance of it all. What do u think??

 

[~*Alexis*~]

for us..... It does not matter.


FFI is proposing with a band that I picked out and the "engagement" ring is going to be given at the ceremony. We had some issues with the budget and the realistic expectations of it all and we need to save the $$ for other things at the moment.

So for me, as long as he asks, I am still engaged and I have a quite large promise ring as it is so people just assume that we are already married or engaged.

 

[brendaman]

I have a somewhat similar situation. SO/FF and I have been together 9 years and lived together for over 5 years. We also have a house and share the bills, etc. Probably in Year 3 of living together, we definitely knew we were headed towards matrimony. For the past two years, we''ve been going casually to jewelry stores looking at rings (we both want a sapphire and diamond e-ring for me). This past October, we set aside a Saturday to go to a list of jewelry stores (about 8 of them)! In early December, we found the stone and are now having the ring custom made (still working on the design).

Regarding financing the ring, we had talked about my contributing some $$ so that I could get a ring with a bigger bling. At first, he didn''t want that, but later on he said that if I really wanted it, I could contribute (we ended up getting a ring w/in his budget). We''re both so particular, so it did take some time to find the stone, and now it''s taking time to decide on the setting. We had areas where he wanted the ring one way and I want it another way. He does realize that it should be what I want, but I think, in the end, we''re going to end up with a ring we both love.

I''m going to send my final notes on the design of the ring to the jeweler this week, and FF will probably deal with everything from now on. I have to add that during the deciding-on-the-ring phase, whenever the talk went to finances, I would step away (always lots of bauble to look at during these times). Once, I did put in my 2 cents during these discussions, and FF was not happy about it, so I learned to step away.

The ring will be done probably some time next month. When will FF pop the question? That is a good question. Believe me, I''ve peppered him with so many Qs about this (Do you have a plan? Will I be surprised? Will it be in front of a lot of people? Will it be during a trip? Will other people know besides you? Will it make me cry?). Although the suspense is killing me, I think it''s better to be surprised. I know what the ring will look like (I won''t try it on when it comes in, and if it has to be re-sized/adjusted, we''ll just handle that later). I don''t know how and when FF is going to propose and that''s the fun of it!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My DH and I had been together for a very short period of time when we decided we should get married...and although he had begun looking at diamonds before even approaching the subject of marriage with me (yep, he was shopping first!) we both decided that I''d be 100% included in the design process and selecting the diamond.

We spent a good month of time shopping and looking at different stores (both BM and wholesale)...and once we knew exactly what we wanted, I turned the process over to him. He made the finishing touches, paid the bill, and planned the purposal. So while I knew "my" ring top to bottom, I never saw it before it was formally presented to me.

I, of course, was surprised--but wasn''t surprised. I knew it was coming, but the moment he dropped to one knee coupled with the details he planned, it still **surprised** me. It was lovely.

My overall feeling is that a marriage is 2 people...and the merging of two lives, bills and all. As a partnership, an engagement is a good first step. So, if you want to be involved, get invovled.

 

[NakedFinger]

Very well said ladies, thank you. I like that idea. Look at rings/pick something out that I want designed (to my specs), but never actually see/put on finished product. This way the ring is still a "surprise" as well. But that''s true, how he does it, and when (even though I know it will be coming) will still be a surprise.

Plus, when you''ve been together as long as we have, I think I STILL wont believe it even when its happening! LOL

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 1/12/2009 11:48:41 AM
Author: NakedFinger

Very well said ladies, thank you. I like that idea. Look at rings/pick something out that I want designed (to my specs), but never actually see/put on finished product. This way the ring is still a ''surprise'' as well. But that''s true, how he does it, and when (even though I know it will be coming) will still be a surprise.

Plus, when you''ve been together as long as we have, I think I STILL wont believe it even when its happening! LOL

Yup - this is kinda what we''re doing! I''m also very specific about the ring I want.
So he knows exactly the setting I want and the type of stone I want in it. Everything else is a total surprise.

 

[caribqueen]

As I said in another post, I had to have a say and I just happen to be with a man who understands and agrees with that. For me personally, it would not have worked for the guy to go do it all by himself. But that''s one reason I know that I am with the right guy FOR ME. At first, my BF was like, "no way, I''m picking it out and that''s final." But over time, he changed his tune, probably after reflecting on how particular I am. As an example, I''m the kind of person who could pick out my wedding dress by myself without any help because I know what I want and really don''t put a lot of stock into other people''s opinions (maybe just my mother''s if that). So that being said, we did go together pick out a diamond, then on a separate occasion chose the setting. I have not seen the two together so it will be a bit of a surprise to me how it looks as a finished ring. That will be a fabulous surprise for me, along with when and how he asks. That''s enough of a surprise for my taste.

The way I see it, some of us put too much emphasis into the cinderella factor of getting engaged and then married. It''s a partnership and I''d rather deal with the real-life aspects, like realizing that the 3 carate engagement ring I desired is not possible now, and that number one thing is that my BF loves me and is doing the best he can. I know that the proposal will be memorable regardless, because the point is that he will ask me. That''s enough for me.

 

[musey]

I thoroughly enjoyed shopping for my engagement ring together! It was incredibly romantic, and all the sales associates kept telling my husband "good for you for bringing her along!" which made him feel proud of himself (and me him). I just glow thinking back on those trips together. Wow, thanks for the memories!

We picked everything out together but the finished product was a mystery to me - I never saw it until he proposed. It's amazing how surprised you can be at the final look of something you picked out all the elements on.

 

[Pandora II]

DH proposed without a ring and then we designed the whole thing together.

I wouldn't swap that for anything. All the women in my family have had proposals without the ring and then shopped together so it was a normal idea for me. I even told DH that I would kill him if he bought a ring for me as a suprise.

The proposal was a complete suprise and then I got to spend 5 months obsessing about my e-ring's every detail.

 

[gryffindor]

I have a similar proposal situation. At first I thought I to be totally surprised about everything (ring + proposal), but we soon realized that this was a much bigger decision than just walking into the store and walking out with a ring. Since I was into it much more than he was, he let me take over the process. So I selected the stone, designed the ring, and the last thing I have to do decide between white gold vs. platinum and call the jeweler with my decision this week. However as soon as I do that, FF will pay the balance and the ring will be shipped directly to him. I don''t want to see the finished product until the day of the surprise when he decides to give it to me and officially propose. Even though I know the proposal will be soon, the anticipation and element of surprise has me just as excited!!!

 

[Prinny]

I am like you because I have always pictured him on one knee with a ring box holding the ring of my dreams. I have a friend who went with her now husband and both families to buy the ring because she is very particular and wanted to be sure she got what she had in mind. Now a little over a year of marriage, they both regret not doing the traditional proposal. Her husband bought the ring at the jewelry store with the family and she walked out wearing it and they were engaged. He didn''t even ask her now that I think of it. I just like the idea of total surprise. All my SO knows is what type of ring I want because I want to be totally surprised when it happens. We also live together and share all of the bills, etc. But I think he must have some secret money saved for the ring. I say whatever you feel is right, you should do because everyone is different. If you want to make sure to get the ring you want, I like the idea of your SO proposing without a ring and you two going to pick it out after. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope it happens soon for you

 

[LoveRoundBrillants]

NakedFinger: BF and I are in a very similar situation. We met when we were fifteen and have been together also 8.5 years. We dont live together but we do share expenses and we have a joint account. We decided that we would buy the ring together and "surprise me" We have known that we wanted to get married for a long time, but had a lot of goals to accompolish before we started that step (school and career mostly). Like you said its not that you guys have been together for a year and your completely not expecting a proposal. Since your particular about your ring, I think you should pick it out together.

 

[purselover]

I really want to go shopping with SO first, I think I know what I want but can''t be 100% sure until I try it on, you know? I''d rather have the ring picked out first, then propose, I do feel like some excitement would be missing if I was proposed to without a ring.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 1/12/2009 12:05:27 PM
Author: Namaste

Date: 1/12/2009 11:48:41 AM
Author: NakedFinger

Very well said ladies, thank you. I like that idea. Look at rings/pick something out that I want designed (to my specs), but never actually see/put on finished product. This way the ring is still a ''surprise'' as well. But that''s true, how he does it, and when (even though I know it will be coming) will still be a surprise.

Plus, when you''ve been together as long as we have, I think I STILL wont believe it even when its happening! LOL

Yup - this is kinda what we''re doing! I''m also very specific about the ring I want.
So he knows exactly the setting I want and the type of stone I want in it. Everything else is a total surprise.

This is the same deal for us. I was VERY particular about my setting and what I wanted it to look like so my BF and I met with a jeweller several times to design the ring and approve the wax mold. After our last visit, my BF told me that I''ve been cut from the process and he does not require my input anymore. So I''ve left the diamond selection up to him...and I trust him 100%!! I know the proposal and the actual ring will be a surprise (and I can''t wait!).

NakedFinger, the highlighted comment you made is probably 100% accurate. Whether you know what the ring looks like or not, you''ll be so elated that nothing else will matter!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 1/12/2009 11:48:41 AM
Author: NakedFinger

Very well said ladies, thank you. I like that idea. Look at rings/pick something out that I want designed (to my specs), but never actually see/put on finished product. This way the ring is still a ''surprise'' as well. But that''s true, how he does it, and when (even though I know it will be coming) will still be a surprise.

Plus, when you''ve been together as long as we have, I think I STILL wont believe it even when its happening! LOL

NakedFinger, I think that''s a great compromise, and one that I''m actually doing with my BF. He''s already gotten a checklist on diamond shopping (what to look for, where to go, my preferences for the 4Cs, in ranked order of which C is the most important), as well as what setting I want and what small modifications I want made to it. I really want the timing to be a surprise, but not the ring, so he''s going to use that checklist and shop on his own when it comes time!

 

[fuzzers]

I''ve been thinking about this too! I think I would like him to propose with a placeholder ring/bracelet/twist-tie/WHATEVER (so it would be a complete surprise), and then pick out a ring together. But how it happens doesn''t really matter to me, as long as it DOES happen!

 

[4ever]

I''ve had the same problem. I''m such a control freak, i couldn''t deal with him going out and choosing sumthing that I didn''t love or getting ripped off, and to me, an engagment without a ring sounds like no fun. We will shop together for the ring (like I would want to miss out on visiting jewlers and looking at sparkly things!) and he will put it in a safty deposit box so I can''t spend days obsessing and tearing the house apart to find where its hid, then he will surprize me with the when and where and how part

Can''t wait for ring shopping!

 

[AllieGator]

I wanted to choose the ring with my boyfriend either before or after the proposal, but he put his foot down. He wants the proposal to be a total surprise, AND he wants to have the ring when he proposes. So I made him a word document with the settings I like, and how to find the perfect sapphire (cutters I like, good sources, etc). So I have an opinion, but I won''t see what he got me until he proposes. It''s cute.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I WISH I was going to be the one picking out my ring! But, he''s going to propose with his mother''s ring, and quite frankly, with all we''ll have going on this year it is the most practical decision. Why spend the money at this time when there is such a sentimental ring to propose with?

Maybe down the line I''ll get to upgrade to a dress-up ring (one I''ll wear when we go out, and wear the original ring everyday), but it''s not the most important thing in the world. With four kids, wanting a home, cars, etc., there will always be something more important than a rock. That''s just my reality.

 

[that_someone_special]

I got to pick my entire ring out. He picked out the budget

It was different for me, because I was looking at OEC''s. He wasn''t totally sure about them, didn''t know much, so I did all of the research and then looked for them. When I found one that was a COMPLETE steal, I was like

"HONEY! Gotta get it!" He did. I even got to see it a few times, tried it on and had it resized, blah blah. But that''s our relationship. In others, a guy might be weirded out by that.. and thats ok!

 

[babygirl]

NakedFinger, I like your compromise. Initially, my boyfriend didn''t want me to have any part in the process. He told me he''d talk to my friends about it or bring one of them ring shopping with him. (Naturally, immediately after this conversation I emailed pictures of rings I loved to about 6 of my closest friends!) Recently, however, he''s come around. (I''m not sure why but am definitely not asking any questions!) We''ve been browsing together once so far, mainly to get an idea of what we both like and what looks best on my hand. We''re going shopping again in a week and will likely go shopping another time or two after that. I don''t have any plans to design my own ring or anything, I''m just hoping to give my bf an indication of what I like so he can take it from there. I''m not expecting a proposal for another 4-6 months (at the very least!), so I hope he''s taking lots of notes now!!

 

[happygolucky851]

My BF and I looked on PS and many many online vendors to find exactly what I wanted and thought we found it. Then we went to a local jeweler to look at colors and sizes just to see what they looked like in person before he made any purchases. And at that jeweler we actually found THE DIAMOND! its beautiful. we would get a HUGE discount if we bought everything else through them and would end up being cheaper to buy the diamond through them than to buy a diamond online and have them set it.

my point is.... i know about the diamond. I generally know what the setting will be like but I have not seen the ring yet. All I know is he has it and it will happen in 2009. He says that''s all I will know until he proposes.

I never thought I would be the type to know as much as I do now. But I am very glad we did it this way cause i will most likely have that ring for the rest of my life and I want it to be perfect in my eyes.

i guess what i am saying is that i seem to have the best of both worlds. I know my diamond is a .72 EC E color 1.23 L/W ratio. and its set in a solitaire. i have not seen the ring itself and i have absolutely no idea when he will be proposing. so there is still a hint of surprise. if you like surprises but still need to be in control. this is what i would suggest so you wont be the slightest bit disappointed.

Good luck to you!!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I did what has been suggested - my DH and I picked out my ring together, but I never saw the finished product until the proposal, which was a surprise. I highly recommend it

 

[bootsiekin]

Looks like I will be the only one to comment from the other end of the spectrum!

DH didn''t even bring up marriage talk at all with me except one time when he asked if I would want to wait to get married until I was done with grad school. No asking of what ring I might like, no window shopping, nothing. He never asked my sister or friends to find out what I would like and he went shopping completely on his own. He said he wanted it to be his decision (the engagement) and didn''t want anyone to influence how or when he would do it. The only person who knew he was going to propose was his mom. Don''t get me wrong..I ended up with what a lot of people would love. He played it "safe" and figured if he went to Tiffanys he couldnt go wrong. However, I dont have the love affair with the little blue box, and while I think my ring is lovely and in a setting that I may have chosen for myself, I think he overpaid drastically for the name and I would have sacrificed some clarity and color for a little more carat. I''m not head over heels for my ring, even though its a Tiffany

I wish I could have helped choose my ring, or that he would have tried to find out what I wanted somehow. The chances of your FI completely surprising you with the "ring of your dreams" are slim unless you choose it the way I see it! So I think that you are all on the right track and should definitely be involved.