Needing some honest advice

[Queenofhearts]

I have been dating my guy for a few years. I am in my thirties and pretty well settled in my life. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this gentlemen.

Last year he gave me a promise ring so I know he is committed in the old fashioned sense. I know that he is fearful of the (M) word, but he does tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am perfect for him.

Now my question is would it be wrong for an old fashioned gal to propose to her gentlemen?
I am looking for an attractive diamond ring for him. Simplistic and classy. I have an idea in mind, but I have looked high and low for something within that realm of expection that I have in my head.

 

[Cynthia]

Hi,

I can understand how you feel about your situation. Guess I just wanted to comment that you need to make sure your gesture isn''t for your sake and done because he seems to not be stepping up as you need him too.

Fear of ''M" and proposing to him make me grit my teeth in fear that it might back fire on you.

But then again, I am only one of many readers. How do we really know ?

GL

 

[valeria101]

You say "last year he gave me"... so it may well be high time to bring up the M word, have you ?

I happen to know of two somewhat similar cases: in one the lady came up with a pair of ostentatiously warm socks to cure the "cold feet" syndrome (it worked!), in the other the lady come up with a serious sapphire (it didn''t work). These were both American couples among my close friends. If anyone can draw a conclusion, please let me know!

 

[Jennifer5973]

Please don't be angry but I am giving you my gut, and based on the skeletal facts you've presented: It's time for him to sh*t or get off the pot.

Relationships are complicated and there's no general answer for these types of situations but given the promise ring last year and open discussions about his "fear of the "M " word, I have strong concerns that you two might not be on a mutual path.

First, I suggest really thinking about YOU. What do you want out of life? Where do you see yourself in 1, 2, 5, 10 years? How important is an official, state and church sanctioned marriage to you? What about your beliefs? What kind of lifestyle would make you happy and fulfilled?

Once you have answers to most of these questions, I suggest sitting down with him and talking honestly about life, your life together, and what each of you wants. It's hard, and there are a million excuses out there but I have 2 friends who went through this situation (again, on the surface the facts were the same) and in the end, they just had to think about it and sit the guy down and say, "Look, I want to be married. To YOU. If you want that either now or really soon--GREAT. But if not, we need to really think about where we are going and if we want to get there together."

I just feel a cutsie proposal from you might create confusion and not address the issues that may exist around his perspective of commitment. I also just absolutely do not get the concept of grown men being "afraid" of the "M word." I'm sorry to sound harsh but GROW UP ALREADY!!!!!!!

That's my .02. I hope it all works out. best of luck!

 

[Queenofhearts]

I appreciate everyones honesty about my question. It is really appreciated.

Thank you

 

[appletini]

This is a toughie and not an option for every woman. For those of you that watched Sex and the City it worked out perfectly when Miranda asked Steve (but she had also turned down his proposal prior to this moment), but I don''t know anyone in real life that has had courage to do this (but I''m also only 25).

One thing my BF and I did after we started talking about the M word was go to a "marriage survival skills" class at my Church. Even though most couples there were mostly engaged couples or newlyweds, there were a few others like us. My BF was a little nerveous about going, but was really glad that we did. Perhaps the two of you should do this before you take the next step. Also you do need to communicate with him as to where he sees your relationship going b/c promises can be broken. Best of luck to you!

 

[DiamondsRagirlsbestfriend]

Hi, QOH:

I want to preface my remarks with one comment: we can''t truly appreciate all the elements of your situation -- we''re just getting a quick glimpse into your lfe.

That said, since you have shared question with us, I want to offer you the most honest response that I can. Here goes:

I think it''s great that you''re asking others for input. It sounds like you''re being very thoughtful about both your needs and where your relationship is right now -- and what should happen next. Doing that shows a lot of courage and maturity. You''re not jumping into a decision light heartedly.

Perhaps it would help you gain clarity if you asked yourself these questions:

"If I knew for sure that this man wanted to marry me now or wanted to start making plans to marry me, would I still want to be the one to propose?"

and

"How will I feel if I do propose? Will this somehow leave me feeling short-changed?"

Lastly:

"How would a ''no'' answer to my proposal affect this relationship and me?"

I think the advice that others are giving you about your being clear with yourself and the man in your life about your own dreams really makes sense. Please remind yourself (again and again) that you deserve to be with a man who wants to share his life with you if you want to share your life with him.

I realize that this sort of soul searching can be quite difficult -- painful, even. It can also be empowering.

Last, but not least, I do know women who have proposed, and they appear to be happily married. EVERY situation is different, and every woman is different. I actually told me husband-to-be that I wanted to marry him before he proposed to me. I even asked him in an informal way before we became officially engaged through his proposal to me. We''re very happy. (And he''s almost 45 years old, and has never been married before. -- he wasn''t so much afraid of marriage -- he just never felt like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with someone before we met.)

I know that was all an "ear-full." I hope that''s okay.

Please let us know how you''re doing with all of this. Best to you, Mary

 

[allycat0303]

Please don''t be angry but I am giving you my gut, based on the skeletal facts you''ve presented: It''s time for him to sh*t or get off the pot.

Jen, what a way you have of putting things

!.

I find that a proposal to a guy seems a bit risky. I think if he is committed in the traditional sense, then he may want to make this committment in the traditional sense as well. Also, if the M word makes him fearful, then I don''t know if he''ll like being put on the spot. I think I would talk it out with him, ask him where he was going with this relationship, if marriage is in the future, and some sort of timeframe. You have the right to know. I think answering those questions first is important before you decide to propose (or not propose to him).

 

[pearcrazy]

I would just have an honest discussion with him about marriage. I wouldn''t propose to him though. Tell him that he''s made a promise by giving you a promise ring but that now you are ready to take it to the next step and want to make it official and set a date for marriage. If he still resists, then you really need to get to the bottom of why he''s so fearful of a commitment. You said that you are in your thirties. Do you want children with him? Does he want children? If so then tick, tock, tick tock goes the biological clock. I think presenting him with a ring will put him on the spot and he may not give you the answer you want or he may say "yes" because he feels obligated. Either way, that''s not how I would want my engagement to start off. Maybe I''m just old fashioned, but I really feel like a man should propose marriage.

 

[Lurchie]

I agree that you should hold off on proposing, not because a woman shouldn''t propose to a man, but because you mention that he is afraid of the "M" word. I completely understand your urge to do it and think it''s wonderful. But think of him as a person with a phobia. I hate to compare marriage with snakes or spiders, but well here goes. My mother is deathly afraid of snakes. I wouldn''t expect her to be miraculously cured of her phobia by introducing her to a harmless garter snake -she would have a heart attack!

I totally agree with what others said about the best way to approach the conversation. Good luck, and hooray for you!

 

[sciencegeek]

Date: 1/1/2005 11:59:52 PM
Author: Jennifer5973
Please don't be angry but I am giving you my gut, based on the skeletal facts you've presented: It's time for him to sh*t or get off the pot./

Hahahaha. Have any of you seen the movie The Bachelor? Chris O'Donnell proposes to Renee Zellweger using that exact phrase at the Starlight Room in SF. She says no

QOH, you've got some great advice here so I won't add to it. Best of luck to you, I wish you happiness in whatever you decide to do.

 

[MrsFrk]

My husband and I were together for 8 years before we married. I knew that he was committed to me- we purchased a few homes together, cars, mingled our money. I knew that he was planning to be with me forever, but marriage wasn''t something he was thinking of. Early on in our relationship (year 1 or 2) we had gone to look at diamonds (instigated by him), but we decided to buy a house instead.

I was fine with the status quo until he had surgery, and I realized that I had no legal standing. It was easier for his sister to get info than me. This caused me to really sit down and think about what I wanted. Honestly, for all those years I didn''t feel like I was hanging out waiting to be proposed to. I loved our life together, and actually felt quite modern and iconoclastic because we weren''t married. But after his surgery, I realized that I wanted to be married. For a whole host of reasons. Not being one to delay, I sat down with him the very next day and we had a talk. It turns out that he had all sorts of worries and anxieties I never even considered- his parents divorced very acrimoniously, the M notion frightened him. He was the exact age that his father was when he married. He couldn''t buy me the ring he felt I deserved. A wedding would cost money we didn''t have, and he was worried about family nonsense around a wedding. We talked for hours- I let him know in no uncertain terms that I wanted to be his wife, he could make me a ring out of tinfoil, and that I had no designs on a big wedding with a pouffy dress.

By the end of our talk, he was relieved and beaming, as was I, and we eloped a month later. We bought inexpensive wedding bands, and I waited another 3 years for a diamond ring. Totally worth it.

Ack, I''m rambling. You need to sit down and have a talk with your fella. Be honest with him. Good luck.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I agree with the posters that say hold off on the proposal until after you have a talk about marriage.

I was in a somewhat similar situation. I was 37 when K and I started dating and he was 36. After a year, he mentioned the M word so I thought he would propose soon. It''s a long story which I won''t bore you with but he kinda scared himself with it and he didn''t bring it up for a long time again. Finally, I brought it up because I was sick of waiting around. He kept putting me off and told me he would think about it and two or three months later, I would bring it up again. This went on for a year or so. I figured at my age, I wasn''t going to wait around for him if he wasn''t serious. I wanted children and I wasn''t going to blow my chances waiting around for someone who didn''t really want what I wanted.
I think he knew I was at my breaking point because he finally agreed to get engaged. I know he had lots of worries but we went through with it and he is very happy now. We have a wonderful baby daughter too.
Sadly, it wasn''t a dream proposal but in the end, we are happy which is the most important thing.
I suggest you figure out if you can stay in the relationship not being married and if not, end it sooner rather than later if he is not willing to give you a timeline.
Good luck.

 

[goldengirl]

I have absolutely no problems with a woman proposing to a man. However.

When a man proposes to a woman, he is happy with the relationship and wants to move forward and she is happy with the relationship and wants to move forward, he says something nice, they make it official and everybody''s happy.

I find that more often than not, when a woman proposes to a man she is impatient and wants to move forward and he is unsure about wanting to go anywhere at all, she proposes, he either accepts out of guilt or refuses and puts a serious cramp on the relationship and either way, at most only one person is happy.

I feel that the woman-to-man proposal is only okay if performed under the same circumstances as the man-to-woman proposal. How many men do you know that say, "I want to get married and I''m tired of waiting for her to make up her mind, so I''m just going to propose." Not many, right? A man is guaranteed a "yes" because of when he asks. (When both parties want the "yes".) If you''re going to ask, wait until you have that guaranteed "yes" or I fear it will not turn out as well as you might like.

 

[Queenofhearts]

Thank you everyone for your input. I have been going back and forth on this idea for a while. I appreciate the advice.