nervous, frustrated, not sure what to think...

[laine]

Hi ladies,
I need to vent somewhere and I know there are many sympathetic ears here so here goes...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. We''ve been talking marriage, though thats at least a year or two off (though I wouldn''t mind a ring sooner), and he''s been planning to move in with me by the end of sept or oct, so things seemed great.

However, he just got a new boss and things are going downhill at work. He''s a Mercedez Benz mechanic in a small town, so he puts up with more crap for way less money than he would anywhere else. The new boss is a jerk and is making work miserable. The next closest places he could work are 2-3 hours away, and he just left to visit friends for the weekend and see if any of the shops are hiring.

I have at least 2 years (probably 3) left of school (working on my phd), so I can''t follow him. I got upset about all this last night, and he told me he''d stay if he had to, because I''m more important than anything, but I''m so torn between wanting him to have a job where he''s happy, and wanting him to be with me.

Anyway, I''m missing him because he just left, and upset that he might leave for longer, and stressed out, and needed to vent. Sorry I rambled on, thanks for "listening"...

 

[Larissa]

It sucks, huh?

Coming from the chick who just married after 3 years long distance - Atlanta, GA to London, England: It can work. And it''ll work best if both of you are doing what you want to be doing, even if that means being in seperate places for awhile. Nothing like a bit of resentment to ruin a perfectly good relationship.

Coming from the friend of a chick whose in a PhD program and just broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years because neither of them could move: It''s hard. And it takes compromise on both parts...he wasn''t willing to and their relationship fell-threw. Her plan was to complete the first years of her PhD and then move to be closer to him. She was getting close with other professors at other universities who could help her with her diseration and that she could more or less work under (not entirely sure how it was going to work as she didn''t discuss every little detail with me). Would that be possible in your particular program?

Is there nowhere else he could work in your town? Most importantly, talk to him. Discuss how it will work and outline what each of you expects.

 

[robbie3982]

Hi Laine,

I''m sorry you have to go through this. I think that with the right person, long distance can definitely work. It sucks, but sometimes you just have to deal with it.

We spend so much of our time at work that an awful job can really make you miserable. If you''re stressed out from work, it''s going to put stress on the relationship.

2-3 hours isn''t horrible. It''s close enough that you could still see eachother every weekend. FI and I were long distance for the first 10 months of our relationship and it was hard, but it worked.

I was the one who had the awful job and it stressed me out to the point of tears almost every night. I know you want to be close to your bf, but I''m sure you don''t want him to have to deal with a situation like that, especially for 2-3 more years.

I ended up quitting the awful job and moving to be w/ FI (who was still a bf at that point). That was at the beginning of June and I''m still job searching, but things are SO much better without the stress of that stupid job.

Maybe he can find something else for a job for the next few years.

 

[laine]

I was in a long distance relationship when I came to school (6 hrs apart, for 1.5 years), and it didn''t work (he wouldn''t/couldn''t move up here), so I sort of dread doing it again. Plus, if he takes a job in the other town, he can''t really ever come back to his old job here, so we''re stuck apart for 3 years (I know you managed it Larissa, I''m impressed, I''m not sure I can).

Part of the job issue is he wants to stay working on high-end cars (more challenging, more interesting, potentially more money). He got lucky getting the job at Mercedes, and if he were to go to a different car, he''d likely not get hired at Mercedes ever again, whereas if he stays with them, he can probably get a job at Mercedes dealerships in whatever town we move to when I finish school.

He went to one dealer already, and they aren''t hiring. He is going to another this afternoon, which he heard is expanding and looking for mechanics. I guess we''ll see what happens.

I think I''m mostly frustrated that all our plans of moving in and getting married may suddenly be put on hold for 3 years. And maybe its silly, but I wanted to be married before I left grad school. I sorta feel like once I get a job as a professor, I''ll need to put all my time towards working, whereas now I would have time to plan a wedding and be all into it.

 

[bobacha]

if it''s me I would encourage him to find a better job that he enjoys..

2-3 hours is not bad at all.. of course this is coming from someone who''s been in a long 1000 miles distance relationship for 4.5 years ( Indiana-Texas) ... I have a friend who also was in short long distance relationship.. hehe they live 2 hours away for a whole year and she used to complain to me about it !! I always joked with her that hers doesn''t qualify to be called long distance

because they see each other for a few days every week ( 3 out of 7 days a week) !

since you''ll be busy with your phD too.. 2-3 years will probably go by quickly, and you''re still able to see each other very often

 

[Larissa]

Date: 8/25/2006 10:59:00 AM
Author: laine
I know you managed it Larissa, I''m impressed, I''m not sure I can.

I think I''m mostly frustrated that all our plans of moving in and getting married may suddenly be put on hold for 3 years. And maybe its silly, but I wanted to be married before I left grad school. I sorta feel like once I get a job as a professor, I''ll need to put all my time towards working, whereas now I would have time to plan a wedding and be all into it.

Hehe, don''t be impressed. Different people have different tolerances to different things. I could be in a relationship forever and never be married and be perfectly satisfied whereas there are plenty of people on these boards dying for an engagement after 2 years. Different strokes for different folks ring a bell?

Start thinking outside of the box and (this needs some repeating) discuss your hopes, dreams, expectations with him. You''ll probably both have to compromise.

When we discussed visas, international moves, marriage, and engagement we both came up with timelines individually and discussed them while merging them into one. You might be on the same page as far as times and manage to discuss it to the point where one of you (or friend or family) can offer a wonderful suggestion that just falls into the discussed plans perfectly.

 

[LuckyLady]

That''s a tough one.

When my BF and I were graduating grad school and had to decide where we were going to work, he had an option of living/working either in the city where I was definitely going, or another one that was about a 4 hour drive (1 hour flight) away. While part of me just wanted to sort of insist he pick where I was living, I couldn''t do it. The other job he LOVES, he makes more money, it is a far better learning experience, etc. There really was no choice. I told him to pick the one he loved. As hard as LD can be, it is totally worth it. He absolutely loves what he is doing and I didn''t want him to resent me later on down the line.

The thing that made it so much easier for me, which may help you as well, is that we talked about it and I feel like we decided together. So it didn''t feel like he was picking a job over me, and it actually helped us decide about our future quicker. Maybe it would help if you told him what you want and how you feel, and ask him if you could make this decision together.

As far as LD goes, I think it can go either way. I know you said you had a previously LD relationship, so I am sure you know all about it. I will say it has worked for my BF and I because we WORK at it. We don''t skip more than one weekend a month not seeing each other, no matter how tired or grumpy we are. I have a friend who was in a LD, and once they both got lazy about seeing each other, each being too tired or lazy to do the drive, then it all fell apart. You can definitely make it work, but you have to put a lot into it. And being so busy with your PhD program, the time should fly by. (Congrats, btw, that is awesome that you are getting your PhD!!!!)

Another thought: why can''t you get married before you graduate anyways? I had a ton of friends in grad school who got married even though they were living LD for the remainder of school.

 

[laine]

Thanks ladies! Its so nice to have someone to talk to. My best friend is in Europe right now, so I feel a little stranded.

I''ve calmed down a bit. I did encourage my BF to check out his options, I even helped him with his resume before he left, and I''ve told him that he needs to do whats best for him. As much as I want him here, I know he needs to be happy, and with as much time he spends at work, he needs to be happy (or at least ok) with his job. He agreed he wouldn''t make any decisions before we talk about it.

I know 3 hours isn''t that far, but after getting excited about him moving in, it seems far. If we have to do it, we''ll make it work. LuckyLady, I hadn''t really thought about being married long distance. I guess I''ll have to see what he thinks about that.

 

[firebirdgold]

In the end he''ll be more portable than you with the limited professorship openings. For now I''d say support him in looking for a new job and consider moving in togetehr midway between the two places so you''re both commuting. Believe me, a guy who''s happy with his work is a vast improvement over one who isnt thrilled with his work!!

 

[laine]

Well, I was about to post a good news update: BF talked to two places that weren''t hiring, and never made it to the third because he decided he really didn''t want to leave. So, I was all excited, when today he mentions he''s going to have to start looking for jobs again, because two of the three guys he works with are pretty much definitely leaving, and when they go, things will go downhill fast.

So I just gotten excited (again) about him moving in, we had decided he would be moved here by the end of Oct, and now this again. This up and down is going to drive me crazy! I''m doing my best to be supportive of whatever is best for him. Like you said IndieJones, its nice to know he has a good chance of finding a job where ever I do: looking for a job as a professor, I''m much more limited than he is.