Never Dreamed I would End up Like THIS! NEWBIE

[Msluvbug08]

I''m a newbie here, just stumbled upon this forum that quite possibly is the only place that really understands how I feel at this upsetting crossroads of hell place I''m at... So heres my story... I''ve been with my SO for 3.5 years were both in our late 20s and I''m SOOO ready to get engaged for many reasons, the first of all is that I''ve found the love of my life and I cant wait to really start the rest of the life with this wonderful man, second reason is unfortuntly pathetically practical... my sister (4 years younger) also has met her "one" soo long story short, in order for my parents to afford 2 lovely weddings a year apart for both their daughters I must get engaged in the next few months... its an incredible amount of pressure on me, that I''ve tried to shield away from my SO, have I mentioned that my mother is obsessed with weddings? Its been soo hard on me, so I was VERY excited when my SO took me ring shopping in December, I had told him that Id hoped we get engaged before the holidays (since its my favorite time of year) but alas, nothing happened. We''ve talked about getting engaged but I feel like it always ends the same him getting upset about the "pressure" Anyways here is the worst part about everything... he is taking me to New York for Valentines Day but I''m 98% sure he is not proposing, it is killing me... I''ve been so depressed lately, I''ve had the worst stress headaches and stomach aches. Is he really going to take me to NYC only NOT to propose till next month (which is what he has been referring too). EVERYONE in my life is convinced he is proposing on this trip except me. I''m terrified of having to face my family and friends without the rock when I come back from NYC, then what, I wounldnt mind a nice low key engagement but it seems that he has this opportunity to make it so special, and he''s told me its not happening in NYC. I honestly have NOONE to talk to about this, my friends woundnt understand... I never thought it I would end up like this, I''m sooo sad....

 

[Octavia]

MsLovebug, first of all, welcome to PS! I hope you find this forum therapeutic and that we can offer you some helpful advice.

Next, I''m sensing two different themes in your post. Theme A is that you''ve reached the point in your relationship where you''re ready to move forward into engagement, marriage, and the rest of your lives together. Theme B is that, putting your and your BF''s wishes aside, you''re getting immense pressure from everyone in your life to get engaged NOW. These two things can play into each other in interesting ways, but I think it''s important to try to separate them as much as possible right now. Just about everyone here has dealt with these feelings, so you''re absolutely not alone.

As far as your relationship goes, it seems very promising that you went ring shopping together. Guys don''t usually do that if they don''t intend to propose soon(ish). If he''s hinting that it''ll happen next month, you''ve at least got a time frame, which is always a good sign! Remember that, if he''s having anything custom done to the ring, it takes a few weeks to get the finished product. If he did order it after your shopping trip in December, it''s possible he hasn''t even received it yet.

More importantly, have you talked to him about your feelings? Not in a high-pressure, "propose or else" way, but letting him know why you''re so mentally and physically stressed? Even if it doesn''t change his proposal plans, you''re supposed to be each other''s greatest supports, so maybe he can help you relax a bit. It sounds like you need a good shoulder to lean on right now.

It sounds to me like the real crux of your problem is less your BF and more your family and friends, though. It can be hard to tell people to mind their own business, but sometimes it must be done. These people have no right to make you feel so miserable and insecure, and you shouldn''t allow them to do it (easier said than done, I know). By letting them get under your skin, you''re making it seem like you have something to be ashamed of -- AND YOU DON''T. Every relationship moves at its own pace and I really wish that more people would accept that rather than pushing women (much more so than men) to move at some societally-prescribed pace.

I''m a little confused about the two weddings thing though -- are you saying that you have to get engaged quickly, before your sister does, so that you can set your wedding dates far enough apart for your parents to pay for both? If so, this should be the least of your worries. Things have a way of working out.

Good luck, and I hope your proposal comes sooner rather than later...but take heart because it IS coming. Just try your best to relax and enjoy the excitement, because this is a very exciting time in your and your BF''s lives!

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/5/2008 1:52:11 AM
Author: Octavia

It sounds to me like the real crux of your problem is less your BF and more your family and friends, though. It can be hard to tell people to mind their own business, but sometimes it must be done. These people have no right to make you feel so miserable and insecure, and you shouldn''t allow them to do it (easier said than done, I know). By letting them get under your skin, you''re making it seem like you have something to be ashamed of -- AND YOU DON''T. Every relationship moves at its own pace and I really wish that more people would accept that rather than pushing women (much more so than men) to move at some societally-prescribed pace.


I''m a little confused about the two weddings thing though -- are you saying that you have to get engaged quickly, before your sister does, so that you can set your wedding dates far enough apart for your parents to pay for both? If so, this should be the least of your worries. Things have a way of working out.


Good luck, and I hope your proposal comes sooner rather than later...but take heart because it IS coming. Just try your best to relax and enjoy the excitement, because this is a very exciting time in your and your BF''s lives!

Welcome

I agree with Octavia in relation to the above post. Please don''t ruin the relationship that you have with your bf due to pressure from everyone around you. Surely the most important thing in all of this is what happens between you two, and not what everyone else thinks. Your bf brought up ring shopping, which is extremely promising. Enjoy this time and don''t wish it to be over. That was one of the most enjoyable and exciting times in my relationship, wondering when it was going happen, how he was going to do it etc. If it happens on the NY trip, then great, if not, enjoy it anyway! I''m sure it''s hard when a younger sister might get engaged before you do, but that''s not a reason to get engaged straight away. Let your bf enjoy the build up too. He''s obviously ready to take the next step if he suggested ring shopping,so let him plan a great proposal and not have the pressure of doing it by a certain time. It will be better in the long run.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmm. It sounds like time for a long, serious, non-confrontational, non-pressurized talk with your boyfriend. But I would not make the talk about YOUR feelings, as Octavia suggested, but about HIS feelings. My guess is, he's well aware of your feelings on this one, right? But do you have a clear sense of where he is at, minus the pressure?

Frankly, in your late 20's, after 3.5 years of dating, if he is getting all freaked out about the 'pressure', instead of all excited about marrying you, it might be that he just doesn't want to get married. It's not like it's too soon, or he's too young. Know what I mean? Plenty of men go ring shopping just to make the girl take the pressure off. We've seen lots of that on here and I've known of a few personally as well. If he is not excited but rather 'pressurized', you need to find out WHY, because if he doesn't want to get married, or (sorry if this hurts) doesn't want to get married to you, you need to know ASAP, not after another agonizing year of depression and disappointment. Especially if you want kids.

That will require setting up a non-pressurized space to talk. Pick your time carefully. Make sure you are sending out relaaaaaxed vibes. Men get freaked and defensive when we seem upset and accusatory. I might start from saying "I'm sensing that you don't really want to get engaged. I want you to help me understand where you're at, and I want you to be honest and open with me. Neither of us wants to get married if you wouldn't want to, minus the pressure. And we really don't HAVE to get married. So let's talk, as calmly and openly as we can, and see what's going on here and what would be best."

Don't demand an explanation. Don't insist on reasons. And make it as easy as possible for him to say what he's really thinking and feeling.

But trust me. You don't want to marry the guy if he's really very ambivalent about it. Won't turn out well.

 

[HollyS]

You are allowing your family to put pressure on you to get engaged in a hurry??

You can''t face them after this trip because they expect an engagement even if he is not ready??? A nice, fun, romantic trip will be ruined for you if he does not propose . . . because they say he should???

This is the bottom line: if you love this man, if he is the right guy, if you are not ''believing the hype'' from your family about how you must get engaged now, you will ignore your family, and do what is right for the two of you. Not your family. A woman and a man leave their families to become one. If you believe he is the person you are to spend the rest of your life with, ''becoming one'' starts now.

And allowing your family to decide how you should feel (you are sad because they have a timeline and he isn''t going to meet it) is your whole problem. He isn''t your problem.

Ladies, sometimes you are your own worst enemy.

 

[TravelingGal]

First welcome to PS.

Second, don''t take this too harshly, but here goes...

You are in your late twenties, and are making yourself sick ("terrified" of facing family and friends without a rock) because you want mommy to pay for your wedding?

Your man is taking you to NYC for valentines day (when most oafy doofs can barely buy their women a card) and this is a bummer because hs may not propose?

The problem is NOT your boyfriend. The problem is NOT your family. The issue is YOU. You need to learn how to count your blessings.

I realize that you may not be wanting your parents to pay for your entire wedding...that they just want to contribute to their beloved daughters and you are trying to ease the stress, but you are an adult and need to figure out a way to manage your mother. Otherwise, after this, what next? Are you going to upchuck your BC pills because your mom wants grandchildren asap?

This engagement is going to be the least of your stressful concerns. Wedding planning seems worse for so many women. And then marriage? Woah...talk about stressful. If murder wasn''t against the law....

 

[absolut_blonde]

You know... he might not be thrilled at the idea of proposing because he ''has to'' or ''should''-- especially when that is due to what your parents want/need. I might be a bit idealistic, but I think marriage should be something you choose to do because you 100% WANT to. Not because it''s the practical thing to do at the time. Maybe he feels as though you''re bringing up the subject for the wrong reasons. ie, parental pressure, peer pressure, pressure in general to get married, versus actually wanting to start your life with HIM.

I think we can all identify with ''engagement fever'' but I really do think you need to take a step back and disengage from your family somewhat. You''re a grown adult. You can and should be making your own decisions, particularly about something as important as this. It is nice if your parents can pay for or help pay for your wedding but many, many people manage to pay all on their own without outside help as well.

 

[Msluvbug08]

Thanks so much for all the supportive advice and all the positive things that you girls have written me, it truly has helped my outlook a that a lot.

Now for some of the other issues that have been brought up, just wanted to clarify a couple things... The reason WHY I''m even in this forum is because I''m ready to get engaged to the love of my life, he is the guy who will truly be a wonderful husband, we have an amazing relationship. We''ve talked about marriage for the past 3 years and now, and we have gone ring shopping but its been hard for me to be waiting in limbo. Yes, the pressure my family and friends have put on me has not helped anything, but I understand they do mean well.

The one thing I DON''T appricate is the all the girls who are JUDGING me about my parents who are going to contribute to our wedding some day (NO not pay for the whole thing, not that its anyones business). It''s really rubbed me the wrong way, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I''ve always wanted a fall wedding and it works out well if we are to get engaged soon to be able have enough time to plan that for this year.

Its been a really really really stressful and sad time for me. OF COURSE I didn''t want to be this position where I''m at. My BF said something about "next month", for getting engaged. So I am "hopeful"... Thanks for all the support girls!!

 

[TravelingGal]

We only have your initial post to go on.

You say the pressure hasn''t "helped things", but in your initial post, you flat out said you were terrified of facing your friends and family without a ring. Terrified. That''s a strong word.

There''s nothing wrong with your folks paying for your wedding. Or not paying. Or paying for some of it. They''re your parents and I''m sure they love you and want to do what''s best. But if monetary support hinges on WHEN you get engaged, then there are some issues there if it''s really pressuring you.

For the record, I am not judging you because your parents may pay for your wedding. I''m judging you because you are a grown woman and probably have it within you somewhere to take a deep breath, put things in perspective and your priorities in order. He said he will propose next month. February is a short month. A one month difference is causing you this much angst. I don''t get it?

I hope for your sake, it does happen in NYC. But your bf, whom I assume you trust since you want to marry him, said it would be next month. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please don''t stress yourself and make yourself sick. This is a GREAT time. You know he wants to marry you. He''s going to ask you. Shortly.

Enjoy it...because you will look back and wonder why you let it all get to you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Getting engaged (sooner rather than later) is so exciting, I wish you the best as you start takig the first steps down the aisle!

Now...down to work....

First of all, it''s perfectly normal to be extremely excited about marrying the love of your life. This is such a crazy beautiful time in your life, which will lead me into the point I''m making....enjoying your time. Once you''re engaged, your relationship will change because it will become busier than ever before by adding the planning dynamic to your everyday life. Once you''re married, it will change again. And when you add children to your family, again, it will change. So, I really suggest taking a deep, cleaning breath, and just chill. Enjoy the time you have right now instead of letting yourself get worked up over what tomorrow might bring. You''ll never get this stage of your relationship back...and there will be a multitude of times when you wish you could, so be endulgent in the here and now. Love your SO, appreciate the relationship you two share, and practice patience. God willing, you''ll only have one purposal in your lifetime...why rush it? Let it marinate, and be perfect.

As far as your family and friends are concerned, I really believe that their inquires are inquires of love. I don''t think they are intentionally pressuring you, or backing you into a corner, I doubt they want to make you feel depressed. But, nevertheless, their attention is making you feel anixety, and thats just not healthy--period! If I were you, I would lovingly make the situation decompress....saying something like..."My boyfriend wants the purposal to be a big surprise for me...god bless. So, I cant really tell you the "when"...but I promise, when it does happen, you''ll be the first to know!"
I anticipate they will each respect your statement, and hopefully that will kill some of the pressure they are inadvertanly putting on you!