Never going to happen...

[squeaksluv]

Any of you ladies in waiting ever feel like it''s never going to happen? At least in the timeframe that you want it too?

I feel like I''ve been waiting forever and not a day goes by that I don''t think about it. I''ve seen friends relationships go from the first date to marriage, even kids! And here I am with a wonderful bf, no denying that, but no ring.

I know I shouldn''t put so much faith in a simple piece of metal with a nice sparklie on top but I do...maybe I''m too old fashioned? I''m trying to think positive that even if it doesn''t happen this year it won''t be the end all. I love my bf, we have such a wonderful relationship, and he does so much for me. I keep beating myself up over this because my bf is wonderful and we get along so incredibly well. After nearly 4 years we''re still just as passionate about each other as when we first met. It''s amazing. So why am I so down in the dumps that there is still no proposal? I know it''s coming, just maybe not when I want it too.

I keep getting my hopes up thinking it''s coming only to have a weekend come and go with no ring. I have to stop this!!!!!

Sorry for the bummer post, I guess I''m feeling sorry for myself this morning (yet another friend called up this morning to say her sister just got engaged - after dating her bf for less than a year). Humpf!

Next weekend I have to go to Miami on business. I have meetings Friday afternoon and Monday morning so I figure I''ll just stay over the weekend. I''m bummed because my bf can''t go (he''s got work) but at least I should be in for some nice weather! That should lift my spirits sitting down by the ocean, listening to the surf and feeling the sun on my face...I''m feeling better already!

 

[rainbowtrout]

yup. It sucks. I try to remember that it must be tough for them to bite the bullet on spending that much money, they are really really busy, since they are the only excuses I can bring myself to accept.

It was really important to me to have the proposal before leaving Philadelphia and going our seperate ways for a year, me staying with my mom for the summer, etc...

But, nope. Sat on his hands to long only to find--surprise--that the custom ring would take too long to be done by then. All he had to do was pick up the phone for a price quote a few weeks earlier. Meh. OTOH, he did express reservations about "being engaged in undergrad"--and I have this niggling suspicion that he neglected to contact people just long enough so he wouldn''t have to push his comfort zone at all. Apparently two weeks before commencement doesn''t count as independent enough??

So now he''ll probably be coming up to Boston to propose--with me staying with my mother--who is a little miffed and asked "well does he expect me to leave for the weekend"? THis after he made a BIG point of not wanting to do it around family bc it should be our moment.


Wow, sorry for the rant. I was just trying to say I sympathize and look at all the bitterness. Whew. He has no idea...I mentioned the barest hint of this to him and he got all huffy. Harumph.

 

[Caribou]

Awe Squeak,

Chin up....get those frown lines off your face (remember SATC, Samatha telling Carrie to stop frowning

).

I know how frustrating it is to wait...but it''ll happen.

 

[rainbowtrout]

yeah, it''ll be like the episode where they go to CA and lie by the pool, excpet in Miami! Relax and try not to get caught at the playboy mansion

 

[squeaksluv]

LOL! Thanks rainbowtrout and Caribou!!! My mantra will have to be ''no frown lines, no frown lines''!!!

rainbowtrout, it is tough I know! especially when you want to talk to them about it and to even mention it slightly gets them all defensive! so what are we supposed to say when they ask us ''why the down face'', it''s so frustrating! I want to talk to my bf because he''s my best friend but i can''t talk to him about this.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/29/2006 10:31:43 AM
Author: squeaksluv
LOL! Thanks rainbowtrout and Caribou!!! My mantra will have to be ''no frown lines, no frown lines''!!!

rainbowtrout, it is tough I know! especially when you want to talk to them about it and to even mention it slightly gets them all defensive! so what are we supposed to say when they ask us ''why the down face'', it''s so frustrating! I want to talk to my bf because he''s my best friend but i can''t talk to him about this.

Why not? You should be able to talk about anything with him, I don''t think it''s fair that you can''t talk about getting/engaged married with him when it''s such an important decision to make, a decision that I believe should be taken by two people, not only one. My advice: Tell him in an open, non-confrontational way that you would like to be able to discuss engagement and marriage with him openly without either of you feeling pressured. It''ll help.

Good luck!

 

[snuga]

Date: 3/29/2006 10:31:43 AM
Author: squeaksluv
I want to talk to my bf because he''s my best friend but i can''t talk to him about this.

I also don''t quite understand why you can''t talk to him about this. I can relate to not WANTING to bring it up because you are afraid that he will think you are crazy for talking about it all the time (I do this constantly-I''m trying to be better)... but you should still be able to confront him when it''s eating you up inside. When you talk to him, try not to pressure him or ask him when it will happen or why it hasn''t happened yet, that way he can''t get defensive.

 

[caligal]

Speaskluv- HUGS! I second kali and anchor''s suggestion- talk! Check out Jenstone''s new thread- she just brought up the timeline issue in a great non-threatening way. I finally have a timeline... by Dec. 31, 2006 and I feel so much better knowing there is an end to the waiting! And after 4 years, you deserve a timeline- unless you started dating at 16 and you are only 20... THEN I could understand if he wasn''t "marriage minded" yet. Write down some thoughts and think about how you could bring this up in a non-threatening way. Has he freaked before when you brought it up?

 

[squeaksluv]

You guys are so right, in that I should be able to talk to him but everytime I do, he thinks I''m pressuring him.

When we moved in together he let me know that he''s not looking for a roommate or a ''live-in'' girlfriend, that he asked me because he saw this as the step before getting marriedso when I bring it up he acts like this has all been discussed before and why do I keep bringing it up? That I know he wants to ultimately get married so what''s my problem?

A few weeks ago, his best friend (and now our roommate) asked him when he planned on popping the question (I was in the kitchen cooking dinner but as soon as I heard that I was glued to door to hear his answer)...his answer was ''well this can take some time planning and I want it to be wonderful for her so I''m hoping sometime soon''....soon for him can mean anything from this week to this year. UGH.

It''s that whole issue of what ''soon'' means to him versus what it means to me and if I ask him he''ll say I don''t know and it''ll happen soon and just wait. ARGH!

 

[snuga]

Guys definitely get defensive about the subject and feel pressured when we talk about it! I know mine did, but I think when he realized how much it was eating me up inside and driving me absolutely CRAZY, he was a lot more open to the discussion.

I would literally think and talk about it for DAYS!! It was always on my mind, everything he said and did was interpreted in a crazy way. Suddenly him asking where I wanted to eat dinner became (in my head) him asking me to pick the location of where I will be proposed to, and if it was not a good restaurant, then he wouldn''t propose there, so I had to make sure I picked to perfect location. It became psychotic, really!

I finally broke down one day when I thought he was going to propose and he didn''t. He asked me what was going on and I explained to him how much I read into everything, how much not knowing when he was going to propose was driving me crazy and not having any control over the situation was torture!! I told him I wanted some sort of timeframe of when to expect a proposal, so I knew the longest I would have to wait. He had NO IDEA how much it bothered me. At the time our "timeline" was 11 months, now it is only 5 months away! It has definitely eased my mind and I don''t think about it nearly as much-sometimes even days!!

It is quite possible that your boyfriend doesn''t know how much it bothers you. They can be dense!

Take a few days and clear your head, focus on other things, if it is still annoying you to no end, talk to him. Hang in there! It will definitely happen!!

 

[JenStone]

Squeaks,

I too, started to get impatient when I saw people who were together for less time than us getting engaged, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years - I can only imagine 4 years!

Have you read Samkongado''s thread \"From a guy''s perspective\"? It really opened up my eyes, and I hope it''ll help you also.

I finally opened up to my boyfriend this morning, and although it didn''t go perfectly, I''m still sooo relieved. I can''t wait until later tonight!

Take Kalispera''s advice and wait a bit. Try to focus on some other things for now. If it''s still bothering you that much in a few weeks, gently approach the topic with your boyfriend. You can even use the same lines I used this morning (read about it here).....I was surprised that he took it so well!

Best of luck!

 

[squeaksluv]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice! I don''t know what I''d do with you guys.

Well I am going to focus on the positive stuff and stop worrying so much about getting engaged. It''ll happen when it''s supposed to happen so that''s that! Now I''m just ready to go to Miami and have some fun in the sun! One of my best friends lives down there so she''s already planning some good times for us!

 

[green sparkle]

You seriously NEED to talk to him about this. I was feeling the same way a few months ago. I was completely obsessed with getting engaged. My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years and all of our friends have gotten married and I''m still without any decoration on my left hand. I was so miserible all the time. We travel together a lot and on the last few trips that we''ve made together, I became a raving b*$ch the last day of the trip when I realized that "it" was not going to happen. I was feeling really bad about all of this and I really wanted to stop expecting a proposal at any moment plus I really want it to be a surprise when it happens. So..... I came clean to him with my obsession- on Valentine''s day. I told him that I was completely obsessed with getting engaged and that I was thinking about it everyday. We had a really long talk and settled just about anything. I''m no longer obsessed and most importantly (for me at least) I''m sure that he will be able to surpise me with the proposal. However, I''d like for someone to define what the word "soon" means to a guy

 

[squeaksluv]

green sparkle, that''s EXACTLY how I was acting every weekend, especially if he was taking me out for a nice dinner or something. At first, it was only if we went away somewhere, then it didn''t matter where we were, home or not, I kept wondering and waiting. Last weekend we were down in DC looking at housing (we''ll be moving there in 3 months) and I thought for sure Saturday night ''was the night''. He took me out to my favorite restaurant and everytime he reached into his pocket or anything, I would jump. By desert I was so upset that ''it'' wasn''t happening and my poor bf couldn''t figure out what was wrong!

So tonight, OMG OMG, I have to share!!!!! I snuck off to type this after bf went to bed...

We were cooking dinner and drinking some wine while we cooked. I was wearing a white top and spilled some on me (I''m such a clutz) while dancing around - we were listening to music while we cooked. Well we started laughing and out of the blue he''s like ''we should make sure we have white wine served at our wedding!'', well, that comment totally shocked me and I just stared at him. He laughed and was like ''what?''. I didn''t say anything (still in shock) and took a large gulp of my wine as I prepared what my response was...before I could say anything he laughed and said ''well red wine would stain wouldn''t it?''. At this point I was a little buzzed so I had a little liquid courage in me so I said ''well what wine we serve might depend on what we serve at dinner'', he looked very thoughtful and said he''d definitely like a surf & turf option, something like prime rib and lobster tail. I said we should serve something appropriate to the season we''re in too like a pumpkin ravioli as an appetizer if it was fall (hehehehe!). He said that he liked the idea of a fall wedding because that was his favorite time of year. Now I''m really freaking out inside but was trying so hard to act like we were just chatting about work or something. So we bantered around with the menu for a moment when he stopped and looked at me....and then he asked if this fall would be too soon to plan a wedding? I laughed and said seriously? He said with a totally straight face and said seriously. I then said that it would be nice to be engaged before planning anything and he said of course...and then our roommate walked in (WHAT SUCKY TIMING) and started babbling about some work thing and of course that ended any chance to figure out anything more...

BUT I''m so excited inside I can hardly stand it!

 

[JenStone]

Yay!!!!! I''m so excited for you! I can''t write much because I gotta get going to work but...

 

[anchor31]

YAY!!! That''s so great squeaks!!

It''s amazing what happens when you don''t expect it right?

Keep us posted!

 

[akw94]

Squeaks, that''s great! Those unexpected conversations are wonderful!
Very exciting!!
Believe me, I understand about feeling like it''s never going to happen. Boy is it hard to stop thinking about it once you get started.

 

[blodthecat]

You both need to talk about what your plans are for the future.

A relationship has to progress, in order to survive!

Blod

 

[SoonIHope]

YAYYY! That is so exciting!!!!! If it were me, I would casually say, "well I was hoping to be engaged for X months before we get married so we have plenty of time to plan...do you think we''ll be able to do that before this fall?"

Also: next time do the deadbolt!!

 

[meepcat]

Do the men in this forum realize the power they can wield over a LIW? As a Freudian aside, it wouldn''t be difficult to arrange all the things you wanted (within reason) with your desperately-seeking-patience gf, with a figurative carrot dangling before her very nose.

So cruel!

 

[jesterjigger]

Squeak...talk to him! I always thought that I should never mention it, at all. I''d seem like I was nagging or obsessed. But in the end I did a couple of times and each time we progressed a little further in the discussion. Our final talk about it was three nights ago and afterwards my bf said that "if we''d had that discussion in january we''d be engaged by now". Apparently he''d been ready for a while, but waited for me to bring it up. He told me that he wants me to talk about that stuff with him, and we haven''t been dating nearly as long as you and your bf. I would probably go crazy if I waited that long, I have a lot of respect for you LIW that have been in it for two or more years, that''s for sure.

 

[swt_acacia]

Aww, it''s so exciting when someone can have happy progress in their situation in the timeframe of the thread. I am so happy for you! Just remember to get some sort of official proposal BEFORE getting your heart set on any details, just in case things don''t move quite as quickly as your conversation made it seem they would.

 

[moon river]

Sounds like things are going in the right direction for you guys!!! Good thing you spilled your wine huh?

 

[Patchee]

Awe Squeek, you ARE NOT ALONE! I find myself grumpy during the day thinking about or .. or I find myself in " a fog" because I am thinking about it. It is so normal to feel this way.

I know it is tough on them maybe $$$ wise but I just wish they would either crap or get off the pot half the time.. make us at least know right where we stand.

 

[meepcat]

Date: 3/29/2006 5:31:45 PM
Author: JenStone
Squeaks,

I too, started to get impatient when I saw people who were together for less time than us getting engaged, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years - I can only imagine 4 years!

..[rest clipped]..

This is EXACTLY how I''ve felt from the beginning. My BF''s brother (J), proposed to his GF (T) in September 2005. I set them up in January 2005. They are still happily humming along, so it doesn''t seem like their marriage will be an impulsive decision. They have been living together since August 2005. When they told me the news, I was both excited for them (yay! I made a match, and now they''re getting married!) and envious (boo! They got there before we did! And we''ve been together a year longer!). Now, I''m just anxious -- but I''ve rather dragged the whole family into my waiting period. My BF''s mom and I have discussed wedding locations (I''m trying to price out a cheaper place than the traditional park setting), places to eat, bought a wedding binder, etc. I know that our wedding won''t be for a long while (2008, since we can''t steal J & T''s thunder). But this gives me so much time to plan it all out.

So, that is what calms me down -- planning our wedding. When I feel impatient or frazzled, I come on PS and look at all the wedding rings. I also read books about weddings (and divorces), and continue gathering more research for our big day.

It will happen, but it''s nice to have that official engagement from which to embarck on the wedding planning journey.