Never mind FMIL, how about mothers?

[SapphireLover]

We have loads of threads about how FMILs are doing our heads in, how about brides''s mothers?

FMIL is fab- offered to pay some towards the wedding, reminding us to invite as many friends of ours before thinking about DFs cousins as they know its a small wedding etc.

My mother OTH is doing my head in. The number of times she utters the phrase "you are wrong". We went to see the florist a couple of months ago. I was telling florist the ideas had, which were taking some describing. My mum kept telling me all the way through, "no, you''re wrong"... when we get to the end and she interefered and the florist actually has gotten my idea clear in her head, the described it back to me exactly as I wanted. Oh, then mother says its perfect and shes thought of something perfect.

The next thing is the bloomin'' cake. DF and I aren''t that bothered about cake and have said we would rather have tiers of cheese as a cake instead of a traditional cake-cake. Mother originally agreed, but now keeps mentioning cakes. I went for coffee at a bakers- "Go have a look at their wedding cakes while you are there", Me- "why- we aren''t having one" Her- "we''ll see". She must have mentioned it at least once a week for the past month. Everytime I tell her we aren''t having one and she then tells me that guess what- "I''m wrong". DF is getting wound up by it as he doesn''t want a cake (they cost about £700 from the bakers she likes- approx $1000)

We went looking for dresses- she wanted to look at shops her friends daughters had been to, I''d read about another one on the internet that was meant to be fab and booked an appointment there. Queue moaning and groaning that it won''t be good enough. Suprise suprise we go, its fab and she loves it. Turns out my BFs sister has got her dress from there.

I then sent her a link to Priscilla of Boston as there is a shop that has opened in the UK that stocks her dresses. I know from this website that they are beautful dresses that are of the best quality. Anyway, she thinks I''m .... guess what.... "wrong" and the fabric quality might not be great. How she gets that idea I have no idea. The dresses look beautiful on the video.

I was dead against having a planner/ coordinator, but have given in as I think I needs somebody to mediate and actually listen to the fact that it is our wedding and not my mothers wedding. We are meeting her tomorrow. I am hoping that I won''t storm out or scream at my mother as she tells me "you are wrong" at every idea.

Grrhhhh... where I come from, parents always pay for the daughters weddings. My mum never refers to weddings as Bridesname and Groomsnames wedding, its always the brides parents wedding. They are always 200 people black tie ball affairs. We want a small wedding- approx 60, mother has increased that to 80 and now 100 (at one point she had an email list of 50 people she wanted to invite and wouldn''t even put half my cousins and aunt on her list). When I discuss it she makes me feel I am ungrateful or even worse, pulls out the fact that "its what your late dad would have wanted". Ilove her to death, but she is doing my head in. She views this as a showcase gala and likes to be in competition with her friends and has lost sight about why we are getting married. In her mind she has made plenty of concessions for us eg its a small wedding (100) and it is during the day as opposed to a full black tie event.

Anyway, wish DF and I some super PS dust for when we meet up with our planner/ coordinator withmy mother tomorrow!

 

[mrscushion]

Tons of dust for you, SL. NOT. EASY.

I''ve had limited wedding planning interactions with my mom thus far as she is overseas, but we will be diving right into it this summer and I am already afraid, as she is nothing if not a strong-willed and opinionated woman.

 

[sunnyd]

Yikes! Moms can be no fun during wedding time. Hopefully the planner will also double as mediator for you SL!

My mom has driven me mad a couple of times so far. Mostly about the guest list. FI and I tried be firm about our ''rules''. 1) No strangers, 2) No guests for people that aren''t in at least serious relationships. She INSISTED that 2 kids of family friends (I consider them like cousins) have guest invites simply because their parents invite FI with me, bro''s GF, etc to stuff. Um, but they''re UBER rich and can afford to do that. We are not. LOL... A sister of a friend of theirs invited herself and her BF, because of that, we have to invite another sister (whom we''ve met twice, and didn''t remember our names) and a date "so she won''t be alone".

Aggravating!!!

Oh, and she wants to book the venue an extra hour and the DJ an extra hour because 6 is apparently too late for a ceremony. She''s concerned about guests and their inability to eat something beforehand, knowing full well that dinner won''t be until 7 or so. Whatever, I''m going along because she will be paying for the extra hours.

Other things are small by comparison, but still annoying.

 

[princessplease]

SL, I know exactly how you feel!!!!

I posted a vent about a month ago about her negative musings and here is some of it:

FI and I bumped our date up two months, so we''re really cracking down on venues so we can book and have that taken care of. When we got engaged, my mom was kind of happy but not very supportive I guess. FI''s family has been awesome, and his parents are helping us with half of the reception cost. My dad and stepmom are most likely going to cover the rest of the reception. FI and I are paying for pics, flowers, honeymoon, and DJ. Anyway, I nicknamed my mom "Negative Nancy" after our engagement because from day one, she has been so negative about everything. She got pissed off at me because I wasn''t including her in planning stuff (at that time, I went to one venue) so I invited her to look at dresses with me, MOH and my sister one day. She did, and was negative the entire time, pointing out what''s wrong with each dress, what''s messed up, what looks bad, etc. She critiqued my e-session album with "Your shirt pattern is too big", "Why is he wearing sunglasses in some pics", "Why don''t you two coordinate with colors?" and even "Why is your thigh so big?" in one of them.

Once I finished school and delved into everything, I invited mom to venues, dress shops, shoe stores, etc, and she did not come anywhere. I found my dress, and bought it, and she didn''t even want to come and see how it looked on. When I asked her if she wanted to come, she replied "Well, if I don''t like it, you''re gonna get the dress anyway, so why even come?" She did not put a dime into the dress, and when I asked her if she was going to pay for some of it, she made this laundry list of crazy things she has to pay for. My step mom paid for my dress, and she''s been out of work since September. Every time mom and I talk about the wedding, she comes out with "Where am I getting money at?", and then b*tches at me for a while about the finances of this wedding. After FI and I visited our venue with my stepmom, I called my mom (she was working at the time, and I was off which is why I went), so excited about the place. The first thing she said was "Well, I hope you didn''t tell them you like it because they''ll overcharge you because they know you like it" I then told her the price (roughly $10K) and she proceeded to freak out on me, telling me better ways the money could be spent. She said $10K for a wedding is "ridiculous" and b*tched about that for like 5 minutes before I got so upset, I hung up on her. Everything with this wedding has been negative from her, and I have talked to her about her behavior, to which she replies "I''m not negative, I''m just realistic". She won''t even come and visit the venue. Dad and I went to talk to the owner of our venue about prices, and I went to tell mom about it. I started talking about the price, and she started being negative, so I said "Well, if you''re going to be negative, then I''m leaving" to which she replied "Bye". I bought my wedding shoes last week and got called stupid for paying $170 on shoes I "will only wear once". I told her about my photog''s cost and what''s included, and she started yelling at me about how obnoxious it is for me to spend what I''m spending (under $3,000).
Talking to her about her attitude gets nowhere; she just won''t budge from negative things.

now lol!!! Sorry for kind of thread jacking, but know you''re not alone with mom.
Anyway, dust for meeting tomorrow!!!

 

[bensbride]

My mom has been a little hard to be around, but it comes from a good place. She wants everything to be organized and wonderful. However, I''ll be glad when I can have a conversation about something other than the wedding! My mom and I are so close, and I fell like that''s what I miss most. Normal conversation and interaction.

 

[SapphireLover]

MsCushionThanks for the dust!

SunnyD She has tried that one as well. She wanted to invite my Dad''s old business partner (I met him once) and I am OK with that, as I know my dad would want him there. I do not want there 5 teenage sons there (baring in mind the room seats 100, if the whole family came that would be 7% of the invites). I have no objection with my friends kids being there, I welcome them, but 5 spaces for kids I have never even met. No way. I have won that battle after a bit of time.

Princessplease Your situation sounds awful and makes me feel guilty for moaning. My mum is happy for our wedding and only is negative about my ideas (hers of course are all wonderful). She is also spending too much money on it which makes me feel guilty (as awful as it sounds, the fact is she is a widow at 56 and I don''t want her spending her life savings on one day for us) and I feel the prissy dull one complaining at costs (although I do still want a fab dress!!!)

 

[SapphireLover]

Date: 6/19/2009 3:10:18 PM
Author: bensbride
My mom has been a little hard to be around, but it comes from a good place. She wants everything to be organized and wonderful. However, I''ll be glad when I can have a conversation about something other than the wedding! My mom and I are so close, and I fell like that''s what I miss most. Normal conversation and interaction.

I think that sums up exactly our relationship!

 

[Black Jade]

My mother did not think that I should marry my fiance (now husband).
She also was very unhappy about the way she was married (they eloped and she felt cheated).
She basically went to bed the minute I got engaged and refused to get out. We had to do everything without any input from her. And I do mean, everything. My grandmother bought me my dress. My father and my fiance together made financial arrangements. My MIL was the one who helped me and my husband make arrangements about the caterer, cake, invites, etc and who arranged my bridal showers. We managed to drag my mother out of bed to fit her into a mother of the bride dress, but she went right back (I mean this literally) and stayed there until the wedding morning.
Then, after the wedding, she wanted to give me a large sum of money behind my husband''s back provided I wouldn''t tell him about it. (''just in case, because you never know what these men will do, you need to have something of your own that they don''t know about'').
Did I like this? No.
Was it because she didn''t love me? No. It actually had very little to do with me, as I later found out (i didn''t know about the elopement at the time, nor did I know a whole bunch of other stuff). When I got pregnant, she was right there in my corner helping me (I had some health problems) and once I had the kids went back to being a great support.
And I had a great wedding anyway. My mom even says nowadays what a nice wedding it was. And she likes my husband of 25+ years a lot now.
i don''t really have any advice, I''m just telling my story. It''s a stressful time getting married, everyone is very emotional and it can be hard when someone close to you is not in your corner, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 6/19/2009 3:14:15 PM
Author: SapphireLover


Princessplease Your situation sounds awful and makes me feel guilty for moaning. My mum is happy for our wedding and only is negative about my ideas (hers of course are all wonderful). She is also spending too much money on it which makes me feel guilty (as awful as it sounds, the fact is she is a widow at 56 and I don't want her spending her life savings on one day for us) and I feel the prissy dull one complaining at costs (although I do still want a fab dress!!!)

Oh no SL, I never meant to make you feel that way!!!! I wanted you to know that you were not alone in mother issues. I am so sorry for making you feel that way

My mom does that to my ideas too. Hers are always right. She wanted me to get my invites at the dollar store LOL!!!!!!!!!!

 

[rhbgirl24]

My mom is hot and cold about the wedding. It confuses the heck out of my. Sometimes its all questions and being really excited, other times, when something has actually happened it seems she has no interest at all.

I guess I just expected her to have more enthusiasm than she does. I am the first of her daughters to get married, shouldn't this be a big thing? And when she got married (again!) two years ago - I all but was the wedding planner... I did everything! But most of the time when I talk about the wedding (which is not too often, I make sure of it) she changes the subject to something about her. URG!

So, I know how you are feeling!!! and DUST for tomorrow!

 

[LilyKat]

Have you ever seen Gilmore Girls, SapphireLover? That''s what I thought of when I read your post! If not, you might enjoy it...

I''m sorry you''re having to deal with that - I''m not sure I would have kept my cool for as long as you have.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Oh Sapphirelover you read my mind!!

I was thinking the EXACT same thing last night!!

When I first told my mother that we planned on getting married in our backyard her first response was ''oh but i wont be able to get dressed up... i am the mother of the bride you know!"

I have since ended all wedding planning communication with her to the point of telling her that we are not going through with our suprise wedding idea anymore since she hated it so much. She hasn''t asked what my plans are now and i don''t offer any information... she is going to get one hell of a shock at our engagement party though!

 

[trillionaire]

My mother is one of the many reasons that I want to elope. Love her to DEATH, but she is overbearing. The idea of months of her harassing me about wedding stuff sounds like slow, painful, torturous death. I''d rather piss everyone else off and elope than be miserable for months on end!!!


LOVE, love, love my mom though! She is hysterically funny and so wonderful and loving! Yay moms!


And Yay for eloping!

(fortunately I have enough tact NOT to tell her what I just said, she just knows I want to elope.)

 

[Magenta]

Date: 6/20/2009 3:55:05 AM
Author: trillionaire
The idea of months of her harassing me about wedding stuff sounds like slow, painful, torturous death.

I agree with this. My mother''s already been talking about wedding stuff, planning things, telling people I''m going to be married, and I''m a LIW! She''s been telling the grandparents about it all, so they can get flights over. Then she''s asking about logistics of moving in, what I''m going to do, etc, and getting pissed off when I tell her I don''t know! It''s been driving me up the wall!

However, due to a few things that came up, I''m now going to go and live with said boyfriend. She''s a fairly hard-core Christian , so says that if I do, that there''s no point in getting married, as there won''t be anything to celebrate (I''m sure this is not representative of all Christians). Go figure.

Coincidently, she''s now planning my move, by telling me at length about the obvious things, not telling me about useful stuff that I couldn''t have guessed, and giving me a date to be gone by, and still gets annoyed if I can''t answer her questions.

I''m not sure which is worse! But it''s doing my head in, either way!

Fortunately, the FMIL is being nicer - can I only have one of them in agreement with our decisions at any given time, or something?