New and Going Nuts!

[GoingCrazy29]

Hi Everyone,

I''m new here, but I''m glad to see there are other girls out there going crazy waiting. I''ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years (known him for 7) and we talk about getting engaged all the time..... but it hasn''t happened and I can''t stand it. It seems like lately all of my best friends (who have been with their guys for less than 2 years) are getting engaged! I''m not jealous about their relatinoships because I know mine is better, but I''m so jealous about their futures starting together. I want my ring, wedding, day, dress, and BOND! We won''t live together until we''re married, and I''m starting to go crazy. I''m so happy for my friends, but I''m so jealous too. I feel terrible saying this, but its hard to be super happy when I''m just hopin they don''t take the colors, bridesmaids dresses, reception hall, that I''ve wanted and waited for for so long! I hope this makes sense becuase I feel awful that I''m not super duper happy for them all the time, my jealousness is killing me. I love my guy and just want to be the happy engaged couple finally. Know what I mean????

 

[Cass]

I''m not a lady in waiting (just recently got engaged), but I totally know what you mean! I had to wait four years

 

[honey22]

That''s nuthin - 12 years next month!!

Don''t worry about me - the ring is in the house, just waiting for him to do his thing. Better be soon though, might finally go mad...............

 

[trillionaire]

Goingcrazy,

Lot''s of girls on here that can relate to you, and a LOT of long term relationships. I am going on 5 years myself!

(yay!) I have not officially made myself a LIW (we are still LDR), but EVERYONE I know is getting engaged. It''s funny, because SO MUST think that I am telling him about all the impending marriages to hint to him, but really, I am just curious and excited about all of these upcoming nuptials. It''s still really crazy to me to think that I am even old enough to get married! (25)

Other than talking to your boyfriend about it, explicitly (ie, telling him how you feel), I don''t really know what to tell you, except, you have a lot of company here! I just had a marriage convo with SO last week, and today when I was talking about weddings, I said "If we were to get married", and he corrected me 3 times to say "WHEN", not "IF"! I swear, men will make women CRAZY talking like that! Let''s get this show on the road!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/19/2008 9:02:15 PM
Author:GoingCrazy29
I''m not jealous about their relatinoships because I know mine is better,

 

[Independent Gal]

Your post sounds a leeeettle bit childish. "My relationship is better than theirs. Why can''t I be the one to pick bridesmaid dresses and colours!?!?"

But I''m going to give you the advice we usually hand out around here: Talk to the guy. Sit down, tell him that you''re really ready to move forward, and that you''d love to talk about the sort of timeframe he''s got in mind and the time frame you''ve got in mind so that together you can make some decisions about the future.

But please, please don''t tell him it''s because you want first pick of bm dresses and wedding colours.

 

[vslover]

Date: 6/19/2008 9:02:15 PM
Author:GoingCrazy29
Hi Everyone,

I''m not jealous about their relatinoships because I know mine is better, but I''m so jealous about their futures starting together.

Hmm...not sure why you''d think your relationship is "better" than anyone else''s...but I''m thinking with an immature attitude like that, it might be a good idea to wait a while to grown up some more before you get engaged.

 

[Lauren8211]

Maybe she did not mean that how it sounded -- it''s her first post here, so let''s give her a break, shall we?

I assume you probably meant something along the lines of you KNOW that your relationship is awesome, so you''re not jealous of their relationships, you''re just jealous they''ve progressed a bit faster. I''m also assuming you just meant that your relationship is so great, that no one''s could be better than what you have! That''s how I feel sometimes!

I''m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, but if you did really mean what you said exactly how it sounded, then I stand with the other ladies! lol.

Other than that, welcome!

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Ok, I guess I should have explained the "I know my relationship is better than theirs" line a little better. I have tons of friends who have wonderful relationships and I''m SO happy that they are together with their guys- I honestly couldn''t be happier for them. However, within the past 2 months two of my really good friends got engaged to losers (one has hit her, the other has cheated on her quite a bit, and they both fight ALLLLL the time). That line was only referring to them since I just got back from a dinner with them and that was all I was thinking of. They seem to be always complaining about their fiancees, which is hard for me since I know that one my guy and I get engaged we will be so happy- he is a wonderful boyfriend. I hope that explains my feelings a little better- I totally understand that it sounded immature, so hopefully that clears it up somewhat. I definitly do NOT feel that my relationship is better than all of my friend''s- that is not the case at all. Sorry!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

HAHA On these boards you need to clarify! haha Some of these girls will eat you alive!!

HAHA How do I know...trust me, my first week I said something in a joking manner in the political boards(see "Would Obama be a good president") WHOOOOOOOOOO!!I thought they were going to chomp me down. HAHA But, they are all awesome girls

Sometimes it''s hard to convey your thoughts on here, and it can feel like your being patronized; but that is NOT how these girls try to come off! Most of them are just trying better to understand what your trying to say. Don''t be scared!!!! We love you and welcome sweetie!!!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/20/2008 8:46:56 AM
Author: GoingCrazy29
However, within the past 2 months two of my really good friends got engaged to losers (one has hit her, the other has cheated on her quite a bit, and they both fight ALLLLL the time).

Well, I sincerely HOPE that your relationship is better in that case.

Even more, I hope those ladies don't actually marry those men. It will only get worse.

That said, it should be a point of concern for your friends and not pride for you. Have you spoken to them about this? I would NEVER let my friend go ahead and marry someone who had hit her or cheated on her without a big, big fight.

Keep in mind that life isn't a race and it rarely goes along in a straight line. And wedding colours and bridesmaid dresses could not possibly matter less in life. When you get a little older and your friends in these horrid relationships start to get divorced... if that guy doesn't kill her first (and I'm not kidding)... you'll surely agree. There are women on PS who can tell you from personal experience about marrying a guy who hits you. Not cool!

But none of this changes the key point, which is that you need to communicate better with that boy of yours and make some plans together. Take back some power, Girl. Don't just whine! Act! Say something. Talk it out like grown-ups. Tell him what you want and where you see things going, if he feels the same, make some concrete plans together.

You have the power. Speak up!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 6/20/2008 9:25:40 AM
Author: Independent Gal

That said, it should be a point of concern for your friends and not pride for you. Have you spoken to them about this? I would NEVER let my friend go ahead and marry someone who had hit her or cheated on her without a big, big fight.

Ditto! I lost a very good friend because she got engaged to a VERY bad man. Out of all her friends I was the only one who had enough courage to tell her she was making a terrible mistake and I could not support their union. I did not attend the wedding. I didn''t even send a card. There was a huge (very public) blow out and even though I was terribly sad to watch my friendship dissolve right in front of my eyes, I knew I was doing the right thing. It was only after a few very long hard years that we reconciled - while she was recovering from being beaten so badly that she lost vision in one of her eyes.

I am happy to hear that YOU are in a stable well balanced relationship. Know that your time WILL indeed come and it will be wonderful but in the meantime, I''d try to help these friends out if you can. I could never sit back and watch a friend suffer through such dysfuntion while patting myself on the back the entire time.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Thanks Independent Gal- your words helped.

I have spoken to these girls multiple times about their guys, but I agree that I need to be more forceful in my opinion and let her know that is now how a real man behaves. She always says that he only hit her once years ago and that he hasn''t done it since and he has changed- but I know that if he hits her once he will do it again. I have cut HIM out of my life, and guess I need to make a stronger stand about the issue. Things will only get worse...

As for me, we have had many many many talks about getting married. He says he can''t wait to get engaged and to get married, and I totally believe him. I''m just so happy that I''ve finally found the guy I want to be with forever. The thing he keeps saying is he doesn''t want to get engaged because he doesn''t have the money right now to buy me a ring I''ll love. I keep telling him I''d go to the courthouse tomorrow, but he wants to get me a ring. I appreciate that he wants to be financially stable before he pops the question, its just such a hard wait for me. I''ve been out of school for 3 years and am settled in my job, he is just graduating (even though we''re the same age, he took a year and a half off). I honestly think its great that he would like to have a job before he takes on the responsibility of engagement/marriage- I''m just SO ready!

We''re supposed to go ring shopping next week, but now I''m not even sure I want to because I don''t want to come off as just a big stress in his life. I want him to be excited to go ring shopping and not look at it as another thing to stress out about, make sense? I think I''m going to tell him we don''t need to go ring shopping yet, or until he is ready.

Thanks for any advice you have to give me!

 

[Independent Gal]

You''re right that the chances are, if he hit her once, he will hit her again. You might think about not presenting it to her as "This is not how a real man behaves" but instead as "This behaviour generally escalates and he may KILL you." Do a search on here for stories about women who''ve got out of physically abusive relationships. Someone called ''Diamond Smitten'' had a similar story.

It''s sweet that he wants to get you a nice ring. You could make it easier for him by suggesting something as your definition of ''nice'' that might be very affordable. How about telling him you want a gemstone ring, and that you think a diamond would be a good 5 year anniversary present instead. If he thinks that''s what you WANT, it will be easier for him to get it for you. A very flashy gemstone can be had for a very handy price! Just make sure it''s hard enough on the MOHS scale for daily wear (check out the coloured stone thread on here).

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/20/2008 9:53:32 AM
Author: GoingCrazy29
Thanks Independent Gal- your words helped.

I have spoken to these girls multiple times about their guys, but I agree that I need to be more forceful in my opinion and let her know that is now how a real man behaves. She always says that he only hit her once years ago and that he hasn''t done it since and he has changed- but I know that if he hits her once he will do it again. I have cut HIM out of my life, and guess I need to make a stronger stand about the issue. Things will only get worse...

As for me, we have had many many many talks about getting married. He says he can''t wait to get engaged and to get married, and I totally believe him. I''m just so happy that I''ve finally found the guy I want to be with forever. The thing he keeps saying is he doesn''t want to get engaged because he doesn''t have the money right now to buy me a ring I''ll love. I keep telling him I''d go to the courthouse tomorrow, but he wants to get me a ring. I appreciate that he wants to be financially stable before he pops the question, its just such a hard wait for me. I''ve been out of school for 3 years and am settled in my job, he is just graduating (even though we''re the same age, he took a year and a half off). I honestly think its great that he would like to have a job before he takes on the responsibility of engagement/marriage- I''m just SO ready!

We''re supposed to go ring shopping next week, but now I''m not even sure I want to because I don''t want to come off as just a big stress in his life. I want him to be excited to go ring shopping and not look at it as another thing to stress out about, make sense? I think I''m going to tell him we don''t need to go ring shopping yet, or until he is ready.

Thanks for any advice you have to give me!

With regards to the friend, I know it can be difficult. BFF was involved with a married man for nearly a year and it was a huge point of contention for us. I was strongly morally opposed to what she was doing and to boot, he was being a jerk to HER, too. Although our friendship survived, it did go through a few rocky parts because of him (thankfully, he''s gone and she''s in therapy now). It''s hard on these situations because for them, the truth HURTS. They know you''re right, deep down, but they''ve been living in denial. Being forced to confront it is painful and creates a lot of cognitive dissonance for them. But I''m strongly in favour of giving a good friend the cold, hard truth when it''s warranted.


And I can totally identify with the financial issue. For my SO, it''s not only the issue of being able to afford a ring but feeling stable enough in general. I think it''s a combination of pride & values. I didn''t really understand it at first but with time, I think I see why he feels that way. He cares a lot about what my parents think as well (even though they adore him) and I know he''d feel better on that end once we''re more stable.

On the plus side though, once finances get sorted out (under a year) then I know the wait won''t be too much longer! Maybe it''ll be similar for you too.