New and welcoming opinions

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hey everyone, been a long time lurker but really didn''t feel like posting till I hit this stretch: we''re about 7 months away from getting engaged. Well, it''s sometime between anyday now and 7 months-- I try hard to steer clear of asking if the ring has been bought yet/when will it be bought etc.

So here is the story: SO and I have been dating for almost 3.5 years now and I will readily admit to being under 25. My SO is over 30 and doing well career wise. And we''ve had our wedding date picked out for maybe .... 1.5-2 years now. Suffice it to say that it''s around 1 yr 7 months away and he adamantly wants about a 1 year engagement and has flat out told me: we''ll be engaged by (date of wedding, 200.

I''ve been reading a lot about having timelines set out and I guess even for myself, I''m thinking to set one. I feel as though, despite having plenty of "fertility time" it is still important to set a timeline. If we aren''t engaged by our 4th year anniversary which is a little after the (wedding date, 0 mark... I am debating walking. I''ve never mentioned this to him, because frankly, we''re doing so well together.

So my real question is: is it unreasonable to set a timeline at my age? We have been dating for a decent period of time, but the fact remains: I''m not in a rush. I think perhaps my internal timeline stems from an issue of: if you haven''t asked by 4 years and you SAID you would... then maybe you''re not sure because we''re not really right for each other? Is that totally irrational?

 

[gwendolyn]

Hang on, I'm confused. If know you'll be engaged within 7 months, and you have a wedding date picked out, what's the timeline for?

Oh, and welcome!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Well, I guess you know... I''m what we''d call neurotic. I have always liked having backup plans even for things when I knew I wouldn''t need them.

So I have actually mentioned several times to my SO: why don''t we consider pushing the date back? Because I really don''t think he can save up the money in time to meet our chosen date. And I know there are other ways to get money (as in debt) but I guess I almost think it''s too much to expect anyone to go into debt over something that is pretty much not a functioning object, it occupies space on my finger, but .... so would any other cheaper ring.

And EACH TIME, I mentioned this he said flat out: NO, I like our date, that''s when I want to get married. So I''m assuming he''s going to go through with it.

On the other hand, I still always think to myself ok plan B: if he doesn''t ask by our 4th anniversary... should I stick it out with him or walk? I also don''t like the idea that we''d stated over and over again that we''d be married by date xyz if it doesn''t happen, I feel like it sets a precedent in our relationship where it''s ok to not fulfill a very serious promise.

 

[gwendolyn]

Out of curiosity, why this specific date? I'm guessing it's sentimental?

I'm still sort of confused, though. You seem to be talking about an engagement ring, and he seems to be talking about getting married. If you're worried he won't have the money for an engagement ring in time, how will you have money to get married?

It sounds, just based on what I get from this, that being engaged to you is something important in its own right (which I can understand), and to him it's nothing big--just what comes before getting married, which is the important part to him (which I can also understand). So what I'd do is to say that you want some time to just be engaged and plan the wedding. If he wants to be married on ___ date, you need to be engaged by ____ date so you have enough time to plan, and you aren't putting any deposits down until it's official!

ETA: Oh wait, in your first post you said he's adamant about a 1-year engagement. I still don't see a problem, honestly, unless you don't like that he seems to be dictating everything? That would get on my nerves, honestly.

 

[mimzy]

i think it is still a good idea to have your backup plan, and no timelines at your age aren''t ridiculous!

It sounds like you aren''t totally convinced it is going to happen (obviously, or else you wouldn''t be asking the question haha), so it is sort of interesting as to why you feel that way. has your BF set a precedent for not honoring other promises? or is it just general anxiety (it''s okay to be honest about it, either way

). because if there is something in the relationship that makes you think that there''s a possibility that he won''t come through....then that might be sort of telling in itself, which probably contributes to......


why would you be leaving? would you be leaving strictly because the date came and went and so it''s done and you feel that that is the right thing to do? or would you be leaving because you are sick of waiting, sick of being let down, sick of being put on hold? if you would honestly be just as happy staying with him after the deadline has come and went as you would had you gotten a proposal, then there''s really no reason to leave i guess...AFTER you had a SERIOUSLY HONEST talk about why that happened. but if the reasons fall under the latter category, then i would absolutely leave too. it doesn''t matter how old you are, or how many fertile years you have left. your life is your life and you need to make the most of it, and you should do that on your terms. 3.5 years is definitely a decent amount of time, and if this man is over 30 then there might be other reasons that it hasn''t happened yet (closet commitmentphobe, debt problem you don''t know about,he just has a thing for younger girls, doubts on his end maybe?

). also, if he is doing great career wise, then should money really be an issue, especially if you are open to a less expensive ring?

you''ve spent nearly your whole adulthood with this guy. i would be careful about investing any more of your time if the deadline comes and goes. not because the only way to go is to have an ultimatum, but because, like you said, it is probably indicative of something deeper.


sorry if i WAAAAY over analyzed that. good luck though!

hopefully all your worrying will be in vain and you''ll have a ring on your finger in less than 7 months

,

 

[FrekeChild]

What mimzy said.

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/16/2008 1:38:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
What mimzy said.

Yeah I thought the same. It seems that you already have your timeline, set by your bf and I can understand that if he doesn''t honour this, it would be extremely frustrating and disappointing. If that does happen, I would definitely sit down and let him know how you feel and if you feel that the time has come, then you could walk. Just from the reading your post, it does seem like he is controlling quite a lot of how things are going, so maybe you are just annoyed by this and would like more say?

 

[LegacyGirl]

I don''t think it is unreasonable to have a timeline at your age but just like everyone else I''m a little confused as to why you need it. You really kind of have one. You have an approximate engagment date and a wedding date. Are you afraid he''s not going to go through with it?

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

You girls all raise great questions. So here''s a little more info if it helps.

1. Yes I''m sort of a high anxiety case, so despite many and rather specific reassurances on his part that all the plans are coming together within the next 7 months, I sort of plan for worst case scenario anyway.

2. He isn''t very controlling at all and is actually very accomodating to me usually. And in this case he''s a little controlling (I hesitate to use the word because I am not sure it''s the accurate term) in the sense that, I want to know more about the ring/proposal/asking my parents for permission/ if I should expect it sooner or later than he wants to tell me. I recognize that he wants it to be a surprise and is trying to plan something romantic. I try hard not to ask him, but I have to admit I often fail to contain myself. I think despite all the romantic notions of being surprised, I''m just too neurotic to care if it''s a surprise. Ever feel like Elliot from Scrubs, anyone?

3. As for his career, he''s doing well in the sense that I know he''ll have a good career, but right now he''s in residency so the hours suck and the pay is going to improve substantially when he finishes. So in terms of worrying it won''t happen in 7 months, it''s mostly because on his current salary, saving money is tough. I think that''s the biggest reason why I think there will be a delay.

4. As for previous broken promises, there really aren''t any... sorta: so we''ve talked about marriage a lot (had a wedding date picked our for a while) so in that sense, I''ve felt like I''ve been not exactly waiting... but knwoing it will happen for a long time. We both had a lot of professional goals and milestones to accomplish within the last few years, so it has always made a lot of sense to wait till this time in our lives. My SO has never said we''d be engaged by this date or this year before. This would be the 1st time he''s specifically mentioned a timeline for himself.

5. As for if I''d be leaving because there are problems or just that the timeline had passed, it''s probably more just about the amount of time spent. Which is why I haven''t made a firm decision and am asking about how reasonable it is to set timelines. We''re a happy couple.

Thanks for all the advice, I''m impressed by how much you girls are able to glean with so little information presented.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hi Bee,

Maybe it''s exactly what you said. It''s hard for me not to be in control of things and this is one issue where I get the sense that he thinks it''s the man''s job to find a way to propose, save up for a ring, pick it out and etc. That and quite frankly, he''s never been so good at keeping a secret before! He always used to spill and spoil his own surprise.

I like our timeline in terms of when we are getting married, having a one year engagement (a girl needs time to plan!) But honest to god, sometimes knowing just a tiny bit can be just as aggravating for me as knowing nothing at all. In the past, always knowing we''d be engaged somewhere before 2009 was pretty easy because saying to myself... well it could be anytime in the next 2 years, it''s so far away it''d be like looking for a needle in a haystack and I just never thought about it. Having such a tangible 7 months now, I feel like I''m going nuts.

We''re planning a 1 week vacation to London in June and it''s been SO difficult not to fish for whether or not there''s something important happening on that vacation.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Ok well it sounds like he kind of wants to surprise you. You have a timeline, if it doesn''t happen in those 7 months then I would bring it up and explain how you are feeling. For now I would try as best as I can to leave it alone and try to trust he wants it to be special and he wants to surprise you. I know its hard but just try it. Those 7 months will be up sooner than you think!