New BIW needs Advice

[ts44]

I am getting surprising amounts of family pushback on both my mom''s and my dad''s sides regarding the non-religious ceremony we want. I had dinner with my father and my fiance last night and my father gave me this long "you''re the first grandchild to be married and expectations are there to have a Catholic ceremony, and none of our family friend''s children have been married outside a church, and this would set a strange precedent" speech. My fiance, bless him, stood up for me and said that nobody in his family was married in a church, everybody was married outdoors, and they were lovely ceremonies. I don''t want to disappoint my family but a Catholic Mass wedding is not important to me, let alone my fiance or his family, who are not Catholic. My father would never tell me to do something I didn''t want to do, but I didn''t realize it would be so disappointing to him to NOT do it that way. I thought he wouldn''t care at all. So now I''m having second thoughts. Has anybody else dealt with this, and how did it work out?

 

[daught3rofEve]

First of all, that is such a tough situation to be in, and I''m definately sorry you have to deal with it.

I think that you should do what makes you comfortable. If you dont want to spend 2 or 3 hours in a mass ceremony, then don''t.

As far as a ceremony being "religious" vs. "non-religious", you can still have a religious ceremony outside/in a gutter/wherever you feel like it. The generic vows that everyone says "Do you take so''n''so" etc were actually "ceremonialized" (if thats even a word ha!) through the Catholic church. You can still have religion in every aspect of the ceremony, it does not necessarily have to be the overwhelming sense of the church/long mass.

Also, I know it''s terrible to disappoint people, especially your parents. But at the end of the day, you still have to live with yourself and the choices you make. You may make your dad a little disapointed, but would you really want to make your ENTIRE Fi''s family uncomfortable? I''m sure they love you, and will do anythign for you, but 1 person''s discomfort should not rule as a whole over the other''s comfort (unless it''s your comfort we''re talking about

then screw everyone else.

)

 

[Rock_of_Love]

What if you had a catholic priest officiate the wedding outside? Would this be possible? I think it would!!

I''m probably going to do this, but I''m getting married in Puerto Vallarta. My FI is catholic, but I am not. It is important to him, so I''m willing to compromise since we aren''t getting married in a church. Also, it wouldn''t be a "full mass" ceremony at all.

 

[ficklefaye]

same thing happened with me, but we''re doing what makes us happy which is an outdoor wedding, we''ve gotten the ''why aren''t you getting married in a church?'' question several times (family and friends are always going to have their opinions) and we just brush it off, it''s your wedding, so i say, do what makes you and FI happy

 

[NovemberBride]

Actually, it''s not possible. Catholic weddings must take place in a Catholic Church, outside or at another location is not allowed. You might be able to find a priest who''d be willing to do it, but it''s unlikely since it is forbidden by church law.

I was in a similar situation, my family wanted us to have a Catholic wedding, I did not really want to, but since i cared about it a lot less than they did, I went along and had a beautiful Catholic ceremony in a church. Now, if you care a lot about where you get married, then this is not the solution for you.

 

[ts44]

I have no desire to make my fiance''s family sit through a Catholic wedding Mass! The communion, the readings, the processionals, the adoration of Mary, the unity candles, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel, etc....too much.

Rock of Love, I checked Canon Law, and found the following:

Can. 1118
§1. A marriage between Catholics or between a Catholic party and a non-Catholic baptized party is to be celebrated in a parish church. It can be celebrated in another church or oratory with the permission of the local ordinary or pastor.

§2. The local ordinary can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.

§3. A marriage between a Catholic party and a non-baptized party can be celebrated in a church or in another suitable place.

But, it doesn''t define what a "suitable place" is.

I do have a friend from high school who became a Catholic priest. But a lot of the issue I have with avoiding a Catholic wedding stems from my personal belief system being incompatible with some of what the Catholic church preaches, not so much the length of the ceremony or pomp and circumstance of it.

 

[stephbolt]

Date: 8/6/2009 3:44:14 PM
Author: ts44

I have no desire to make my fiance''s family sit through a Catholic wedding Mass! The communion, the readings, the processionals, the adoration of Mary, the unity candles, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel, etc....too much.

Rock of Love, I checked Canon Law, and found the following:

Can. 1118
§1. A marriage between Catholics or between a Catholic party and a non-Catholic baptized party is to be celebrated in a parish church. It can be celebrated in another church or oratory with the permission of the local ordinary or pastor.

§2. The local ordinary can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.

§3. A marriage between a Catholic party and a non-baptized party can be celebrated in a church or in another suitable place.

But, it doesn''t define what a ''suitable place'' is.

I do have a friend from high school who became a Catholic priest. But a lot of the issue I have with avoiding a Catholic wedding stems from my personal belief system being incompatible with some of what the Catholic church preaches, not so much the length of the ceremony or pomp and circumstance of it.

You can do just a Catholic wedding ceremony without the full mass - but sounds as though that is not your only objection to the idea of a Catholic wedding.

I was in a somewhat similar place, although my parents weren''t as opposed to a non-Catholic wedding as we had thought they might be initially. Ultimately my FI and I decided that we wanted a wedding that represented our spiritual beliefs, and how we as a couple were going to practice down the road. It would have felt dishonest to me to have a Catholic wedding, since I don''t follow any of the beliefs and I''m not active in the church.

I''m sorry you are dealing with this issue and hope you can figure out something that will make both you and your family happy.

 

[Lilac]

I think you need to decide what''s more important to you - making your family happy or making yourself and FI happy.

It''s a tough decision, and I''m sorry you have to deal with it. Would your family be so mad or disappointed if it''s not in a church that they might refuse to come or do something drastic like that? I think you need to consider that (weddings sometimes make people do crazy things...) If the answer is no and they would still come and be happy for you, then I think you should do what will make you the happiest in the long run.

If you didn''t care too much either way I would tell you to go along with the Catholic ceremony, but it seems from your posts that you really DON''T want that. So I think you need to do what will make you happiest.

 

[charbie]

threadjack.

****(just a lttle technicality....there are no unity candles in the Catholic Mass. the majority of Catholic churches won''t even allow it, especially if you have your wedding within mass. wanted to point that out. oh, and i go to a Catholic church without kneelers. my mom''s side isn''t Catholic, but everyone else is, including me since i recently converted. so at least that won''t be an issue.)****

 

[supergirl10]

I am kind of in a similar situation, I am relgious and so is my family, FI is not! My mum would really like us to have the ceremony in the church.

I personally wouldn''t mind having it in the church.

When we got engaged and started talking weddings FI said he wanted to get married in a garden and he wanted chocolates as the favours. That was the ONLY things he ever has really felt strongly about in regards to weddings and this is what I told my mum.

So we compromised, we are having a minister conduct ceremony in the gardens.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 8/6/2009 3:44:14 PM
Author: ts44

I have no desire to make my fiance''s family sit through a Catholic wedding Mass! The communion, the readings, the processionals, the adoration of Mary, the unity candles, stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, sit down, kneel, etc....too much.

Rock of Love, I checked Canon Law, and found the following:

Can. 1118
§1. A marriage between Catholics or between a Catholic party and a non-Catholic baptized party is to be celebrated in a parish church. It can be celebrated in another church or oratory with the permission of the local ordinary or pastor.

§2. The local ordinary can permit a marriage to be celebrated in another suitable place.

§3. A marriage between a Catholic party and a non-baptized party can be celebrated in a church or in another suitable place.

But, it doesn''t define what a ''suitable place'' is.

I do have a friend from high school who became a Catholic priest. But a lot of the issue I have with avoiding a Catholic wedding stems from my personal belief system being incompatible with some of what the Catholic church preaches, not so much the length of the ceremony or pomp and circumstance of it.

Well, at least it is a possibility. And, I totally hear ya on the belief system thing. I am really not into organized religion and my FI knows this. We have gotten into debates about it many times, but I really believe that a spiritual relationship with any higher power is a personal thing. I think I would have more of a problem with it if I was getting married in the US. For some reason, Catholicism in Mexico feels different...more steeped in symbolism and indigenous tradition.

But, I really don''t think you should compromise your beliefs to satisfy your family. The ceremony for your union should be something that feels right for both you and your FI. Maybe your friend would be able to perform the ceremony from you and your FI''s point of view w/o imposing too much of a religious message.

 

[ficklefaye]

not so much a threadjack, but i wanted to share my experience on this:

when FI and i started planning, we wanted to incorporate all the religious and cultural elements that we knew were expected of us and we thought would make our families happy, little by little things started happening, the church we wanted to get married in wouldn''t marry us unless we took six months of catechism classes which weren''t possible for me because the church was miles away and the classes are on mondays! (i''m not catholic but FI is) then the venue we wanted that was next to the church didn''t have our date available

we tried many combinations of this (church, nearby reception venue), until after much frustration we thought, it''s not supposed to be this hard! we drove out one weekend and that day we chose the venue for our outdoor wedding. and honestly, this is what we wanted the whole time.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I am having a full Catholic wedding ceremony at a resort in the DR. We had to jump through many, MANY hoops to make this possible, but it was important for my parents that I have this. It turned out to be a great journey for us and I am very happy that I will have a sacramental marriage.

That said, these were the rules:

1) Wedding cannot be performed on the beach. We are having ours in a gazebo that has been approved by both my local parish priest and the diocese for that region of the DR.
2) We had to submit a dispensation request to our local priest to be married outside of my local church.
3) We had to submit a dispensation request to our local diocese to be married in a non-Catholic church
4) We had to complete all pre-cana classes

Once all of those hurdles were cleared, we had to write out our program and have it approved by both our local priest and the priest that would be performing the ceremony. This included the music, the readings and any and all wedding traditions that we wanted to incorporate (lazo, coins, flowers to the blessed virgin, exchange of rings, etc.)

It really brought FI and I closer together and we figured out how to meet all the requirements. It was like the harder they tried to make it for us, the harder we worked to make it happen!

If this is something that you really object to because of your own views, then I would try to sit down with my parents and explain it to them. But, if you are okay with doing it for them, then I highly encourage you to simply start the journey and see where it takes you. I would never advise someone to have a ceremony that was against their life views. Listen to yourself and your wedding will be exactly what you dreamed of!

 

[LilyKat]

I would think carefully about what you and your fiance want. A Catholic ceremony can be beautiful and truly special (I recently went to one), but be aware it is VERY religious, in that the focus is very much on God and Catholicism specifically, even without Mass. It would personally make me uncomfortable if I was not a practicing Catholic - I would feel like a hypocrite, but that might just be me taking things too seriously. There may also be requirements for pre-Cana (church marriage preparation classes, which in my area include sessions promoting the use of natural family planning only, and the authority of the Vatican and the Pope). All I''m saying is, it''s not just a venue choice - it will shape the entire feel of your wedding and the start of your marriage. If you go for the Catholic church wedding, do it with your eyes open.

Honestly, I think that as it''s YOUR marriage, what you want is more important than what anyone else (including your father) prefers. He''ll come around.

 

[Prana]

My FI and I dealt with this. I was ''raised'' catholic, ''raised'' meaning I was forced to go through the whole communion and confirmation and sunday school gig, and never went back to church on my own. My parents have not been to church in years.

when I told them that we would have very little to no religious aspect in my wedding, my parents suddently became holier than thou, and I had to lbe very firm in my wishes. I cosider myself to be more spiritual, FI states that he is agnostic. My parents were very unhappy, and I had to listen to a one hour lecture about creationism from my father, who does not go to church, does not receive communion if he is in church for some reason, and once told me when I was little that the reason he does not go up for communion is because "he doesnt'' know what he believes in."

I listened to their blah-blahing and never fought, just listened, and eventually they stopped. I ended up finding a JP who was a nun for 16 years, and left the catholic faith because she didn''t know what she believed anymore, and who now considers herself more spiritual, studying energy healing and shamamism and so forth.

So for us it worked out well, but BELIEVE ME, I understand your frustration.

 

[ts44]

Ultimately I think (I hope) my family will be satisfied with whatever makes my fiance and I happy. But I do think I owe it to them to sit down and talk to them about about why we are making this decision and perhaps try to compromise a little without compromising ourselves. My fiance had the idea to invite my parish priest to do a reading during the ceremony, he baptized me, oversaw my first communion and confirmation and is friends with my grandparents. I don''t think that would make my fiance''s family uncomfortable, and might provide enough of a link to my religion to satisfy my family. Since he wouldn''t actually be officiating the ceremony, I would think that there would be no problem with that under canon law.

 

[MustangGal]

That sounds like it might be a good comrpomise.

I was also forced to be Catholic, did all the "right" things, but never wanted to. The last thing I wanted was to get married in the Church. DH was raised Lutheren, but hadden''t been in years. And we both wanted an outdoor ceremony. My mother wasn''t too bad, but my grandmother REALLY hated the idea. She didn''t go to her own sister''s wedding becasue it wasn''t in the church. In the end, we had DH''s Lutheren pastor do the ceremony. It was lovely (and there were no planes flying over or gawking bystanders like grandma tried to scare me with!). She showed up and behaved herself just fine too.

To be married in the church you would also have to go through the whole pre-cana classes, is that something you and your FI would be willing to do? And you don''t have to have the whole wedding mass. My mom got married in the church for her 25th anniversary a few years ago, and they did the non-mass ceremony. It only took 30 minutes or so, just a little longer than most regular ceremonies.