New girl here- How do you deal with the questions?

[LuckyLady]

New poster here, but I have been lurking for months now. ARRRGH, and of course my first post was deleted!!! Ok, well a shorter version-

I managed to make it through a horrific freak out period about waiting and have entered into a relatively calm and serene attitude about the whole thing. However, there is one thing that I can''t shake, which was brought up again last night:

How do you respond/deal with everyone else''s questions about how long this is taking? And more importantly, how do you not let it get to you?

All of my friends and family have known for about a year now that he is planning on proposing and we are planning on getting married. And the questions: What is taking him so long? When are you getting engaged? are starting to get repetitive and people are starting to get that look of doubt when we talk about it.

Now, I don''t really care what people think so much as it brings up my own feelings of doubt and insecurity. What IS taking him so long? My logical brain always thinks that the simplest answer is the easiest, therefore: If he really wanted to propose, he would. Since he hasn''t, he doesn''t really want to.

I ended up making him give me a timeline, just so I could stop bothering him and freaking out. It is basically November. My mom mentioned this in front of my dad and he was like- What? That is a really bad idea, men hate being pushed and given deadlines and more importantly, you shouldn''t have to give him a deadline. If he wants to propose he will.

And the thing is, I agree with him. I shouldn''t have to give someone a deadline to want to be with me.

Also, I thought I wanted the whole surprise thing, and I''ve gotta say, I now think that it is a really stupid and dangerous way to go about this whole thing, if you are mature adults who have made a decision together to get married. We decided together that this is what we wanted, and now it''s all up to him? First of all, I am a successful, independent woman and it''s humilating to wait for someone else to *start* your future when you''ve already decided. Second of all, I am terrified I will not like the ring. I am really particular, and while I definitely trust my BF''s taste, why chance it????

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. I know a lot of this is a rehash of what many of you have already complained about, but venting here saves me from unloading on my BF yet again.

 

[sumbride]

You sound like every other LIW that has passed before you... you''re in good company here!

As for the "other people" and the "questions", you just have to try to ignore them. They get to you, that''s what they do... they work their way under your skin and make you crazy! It happened to me! When I would mention our CA trip (where I thought he would propose) to my best friends they would give me a look and say "it might not happen there..." which of course I knew! Why did they have to say that? Duh! But when it DID happen there I was so relieved that my instinct had been right. And never before had I enjoyed the "I told you so" more.

FI had a way of fixing things with his friends so they didn''t ask... he told ALL of them when he was going to propose! They all knew! So they didn''t ask me when I thought he was going to do it, but I did get a lot of "when is your trip to CA?" so that kind of clued me in a little too. Tell your friends that you trust him and that it will happen. They know you have plans to marry, and how are you supposed to know when? I often did a "ask him" when I got the "WHEN???"

Deadline-- many of us have done this. Myself, I asked for a "window". He kept telling me he had a plan, that he knew when... I said "please give me a 6 month window so I don''t drive myself crazy." He wasn''t sure about it, but then gave in and said "It''s within 6 months." It made me so happy! But I think I would have been ok with "It''s 6 months from January" too. Not sure. As for the "ultimatum" thing, that has mixed results, but he knows how important it is to you, and I bet he''ll comply.

Surprises-- My FI was dead-set on a surprise proposal, and that''s what we had, but I was dead-set on picking my own ring, so I made that clear to him. In the end, he realized that me liking my ring and being involved in it was far more important than him surprising me with it. Some people pick out the ring together before the surprise proposal, some pick it out after (like me) and some just pick it out and don''t have some big fancy proposal. It''s up to you and what the two of you want, but if you really want to be involved with your ring, SPEAK UP! It''s a lot easier than telling him later that you hate it! Ask Blenheim!

And welcome to PS and the LIW! I''m an alum now and so happy to be done with this stage!

 

[bee*]

I understand exactly what you''re saying with deadlines-you really dont want to be pressurising someone into getting engaged to you. I like knowing though around what time of the year he will do it. I know that D and I are getting our ring next July in NY, but I dont know when he will propose, whether it be at home in Dublin before hand, in NY or at home afterwards. Your timeframe is coming up though very quickly-November will be upon us in no time.
I hope that it happens quicker for you though. I wouldnt want a total surprise either-I like knowing that it will be around July next year but I love that I dont know how he''s doing it and I definitely want to pick my own ring

 

[always.waiting]

Hi, I know exactly what you''re going through. I was there 6 mo''s ago, which is why my anxiety level is now sky high, and I''m less able to be as easy going.
The questions are going to bother you, it''s natural, especially when some people/friends seem to enjoy pointing the obvious out. Or you have friends who''ve met, married and celebrated anniversaries in the time you''ve patiently waited (ok, I''m talking about me here). Basically, I''ve learned to not bring up certaint topics and keep things vague around certain friends, b/c I just can''t bear all the questions. No one lives my life and knows what goes on between my bf and I, so I try to avoid exposing myself to intrusive questions that aren''t really fair. Except on this board of course, because many of you GET IT, so it''s different

And NO one likes to give deadlines/ultimatums. I swore up and down I''d never do that. ANd now I''m 3 yrs into it. I think I should have given a deadline sooner..then I''d probably have saved myself a year. In the end I did the internal deadline, the "timeframe" given to my bf, the letting my bf see what this turmoil of waiting was doing to me, and finally an ultimatum. I never wanted to do it, but the situation warrented it. Honestly, I think it has more to do with my bf and his personality than me. I think my bf actually wanted the ultimatum, it gave him something concrete to work with. Weird, b/c it went against my instincts. In any case, only time will tell if it''ll work out for me.
I hope it works out for you soon though! Hang in there, and don''t let the questions get to you. I think it is very wise that you gave your bf a timeline.

 

[firebirdgold]

I know exactly how you're feeling! The whole total surprise thing is completely out date. My point was that I haven't had this little control over my own fate since elementary school! It's idiotic! And I too was terrified I'd hate the ring as he thinks diamonds are overpriced bits of compressed carbon.
For a marriage to work the couple has to compromise and work together, and there is no better time to start than right now! The easiest thing to compromise on is you having more input on the ring. Men get really really attached to the actual proposal being a surprise so just leave that one alone. But he's probably clueless on jewelry and diamonds and would actually appreciate a little subtle help. One way of managing it is to give him a range of options to choose from, that way the final decision is his and it's still a surprise yet he can't go too wrong. Also having a dialog on rings will keep this towards the front of his mind and probably help move things along a bit speedier.

What I did was send him emails of rings and ideas for a while as I was doing research. He didn't always read them all but it kept the idea in front of him. When he finally indicated that he was close and needed clearer and fewer choices, I selected my favorite website with complete rings (antiqueengagementrings.com) and then sent him a list of every single one with either a yes, no, or maybe after it. He picked one out that most appealed to him, and I appreciate the fact that it reflects his tastes as well as mine.

Oh, a couple of things. When bringing the subject up perhaps it would be best to assume that everything is on track, not that him proposing is up for question. Tell him precisely how you feel, how insecure and how helpless and frightening it is to feel like you have no control or say over this important stage in your life. Men really are clueless and you should never assume they understand hints at all.
Also I don't think deadlines are terribly useful either since men get a bit mule-like when pushed.

One last thing. no matter how hard it is, waiting for your guy to propose is essentially a test of trust. (one I notice they don't have to go through

) Be careful how you phrase things because there's a good chance he'll view some of your concerns and anxieties as a distressing lack of trust.

Summary: Talk frankly and openly to him and tell him you're having problems with your utter lack of control and involvement. Use the independent woman thing. Offer a compromise solution. If there is a family event coming up in the future tell him honestly that you'll feel uncomfortable still being single then and why, but do not set an ultimatum like deadline. Do not imply that you doubt he will eventually propose.

GOOD LUCK!!

 

[anchor31]

Welcome to PS!

I was in your shoes about 10 months ago, so I certainly understand!

First, don''t let the questions get to you... People do that and they always will. We''d get asked when we''d get married about 3 months into our relationship, and I was 18!!!

If the two of you have discussed marriage and engagement and he''s told you it''s coming, it''s coming.

Second, there is a difference between giving him a deadline and asking him for one. For example, back in September my FI started talking about proposing to me and he talked about it A LOT, but sometimes it was as though it was coming in ten days, and others it was as though it was coming in ten years. So in November I cracked and asked him for a timeframe, and he gave me 2006; he proposed on July 14th. It calmed me down and kept the surprise element he wanted. So, I see nothing wrong with you asking for a timeframe too, and YAY for November!

Third, my FI also wanted to pick out the ring by himself at first. But after talking to a married collegue and to me, he agreed to let me pick it out with him. It''s something I really wanted to do, and he finally understood that I was the one who was going to wear it for my entire life... He absolutely wants to pick out his own ring, so why shouldn''t I, eh?

The best way to get him to understand you want to have a part in the choosing is to tell him and explain why it''s so important to you.

Welcome again, and good luck!

 

[Fancy605]

While I have never been in the situation of suggesting a time line, I HAVE dealt with the question of "When are you getting married/engaged?" zillions of times (which is understandable seeing as I have been with my guy for over 4 years). My standard response, "as soon as we''re ready to." Maybe it''s a bit snippy, but it''s the truth, and it gets the point across. I''ve only had a select few say, "well why aren''t you ready now?"
My mother thinks I should tell people that my relationship isn''t any of their business, but...

Anyway, I definately agree with your view points on the surprise thing.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 8/24/2006 1:03:30 PM
Author:LuckyLady

Also, I thought I wanted the whole surprise thing, and I've gotta say, I now think that it is a really stupid and dangerous way to go about this whole thing, if you are mature adults who have made a decision together to get married. We decided together that this is what we wanted, and now it's all up to him? First of all, I am a successful, independent woman and it's humilating to wait for someone else to *start* your future when you've already decided. Second of all, I am terrified I will not like the ring. I am really particular, and while I definitely trust my BF's taste, why chance it????

I am in complete agreement... and although my fiance was very set on having both the ring and proposal be a surprise, he eventually came around to my point of view and decided to include me in the ring-search. I felt SOOO much happier doing it that way... it gave me back a bit of the control, rather than feeling as though I was a princess waiting around to be rescued by my knight in shining armor. And he still made the proposal a surprise, so we were both happy. But as you said, we are successful, independent women... making a mutual decision to get married... so how does it end up being all up to him and HIS tastes and HIS timeline?? How is that possibly fair or remotely respectful to the woman? Ugh... I get very passionate about this topic.

If you are concerned about the ring... LET HIM KNOW. Better now than to stare at a ring on your finger for the rest of your life, feeling not quite right about it. It doesn't mean you're not grateful or thrilled... it just means that you want this decision to be made TOGETHER... and there is nothing wrong with that.

As for questions, I used to just respond with, "Ask him." I figure since I seemed to be the one getting all the questions, that way I could at least share the pressure with him.

ETA -- Unfortunately I must have MUCH bolder friends and family, because the "when we are ready" response never worked for me. Most followed up with "and when is that going to be?" or "so you're not ready now?" or "well how long does it take you to get ready??"

 

[Larissa]

You will ALWAYS have questions whether dating, engaged, or married. The questions just change a bit!! It sucks but it''s a fact of life. I found the "when we get ready" works in just about in situation. It lets people, very politely know (sometimes too politely and you have to get more forceful with them) that it''s none of their business.

You guys have been dating for years!! When are you getting engaged? - When we get ready.
You have the ring, when are you setting a date? - When we get ready.
You two would make the cutest children. When are you planning for them? - When we get ready.

 

[LuckyLady]

Thanks ladies- you all seem very wise. Your men must be very lucky guys!!!!

General response to all that has been said:

I definitely keep it light when I get the questions and generally say "Ask him!" so I guess I am more trying to deal with it not throwing ME off my calm balance beam. Just when I think I''m patient, I feel upset all over again.

I have actually been reading and following some of your stories (Sumbride and IndieJones, congrats!!!) so I have been getting great advice all along, which is where the "timeframe" came from. I never would have thought of that, or probably felt comfortable doing so, without reading how common it is. At one point, when I was really frustrated, I did give him a deadline of September. But I just hated it and felt like I was ruining it so I "took" the deadline away- just told him that I trusted him and as long as he was working on a plan, I didn''t want him to have a deadline. Then we were talking about something engagement-related and I was pestering him with questions and he gave his standard response: "Don''t worry baby, it''ll be soon." I told him if he said the word "soon" one more time I might actually strangle him! Seriously boy soon is ridiculous and mean! So I said, okay, but could you just give me some sort of timeframe so I can stop bugging you? I said I don''t care if it''s next year, just pick a date. And that''s when he gave me end of November. So I am cool with the "timeframe". I think my frustration is not so much not being able to wait till November, it''s the whole process of the whole year of why it has taken him so long. He originally wanted to wait until he got his bonus- which he got in FEBRUARY. So it''s not a money thing.

Regarding the ring: This is where things hit a speedbump. He told me to look and pick out a few shapes. Well I kinda went crazy. I had never looked or cared about jewerly, just thought I would like an emerald cut or something classic. No rounds. I started looking, find Pricescope, and the madness began! Cushions, asschers, emerald cuts, regents, you name it. So I started sending him pictures and emails and instructions about what to look for... and he got really overwhelmed. And then really scared that he wouldn''t pick anything "good enough". So around May I stopped. I told him three "types" and styles I liked and let him go with it. We actually have really similar taste so I am not that worried, but what if???? I really wish I had just told him to buy a stone, propose in a temp setting, and then let me design the setting. If I had do it over again, that is what I would do. But I think it is too late, as I am pretty sure he has been having a ring made, so if I bring it up now, I don''t want to stop whatever forward progress he has made.

Sorry this is so long. Oh, also, his brother just got engaged. And while they have been together far longer than we have, so I have no jealousy there, what brought on this whole thing is that they decided to get engaged and married quickly (they are moving overseas) so he had a ring made in about a week or two, proposed, and it''s done. And the ring is really pretty and well-made so I am just like, what the heck is taking YOU so long?????

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. I know I am on the closer side, and I know I am lucky in that there is no question about whether we are getting married or not. I guess this is the first step in learning how to deal with your BF/SO''s different quirks and attitudes towards things...learning how to COMPROMISE.

 

[bobacha]

LuckyLady ... I completely understand.. been there done that hang in there.. you''re close.

I don''t have anything to add to the other responses here..

Btw I also use "Why don''t you ask HIM?" a lot whenever i get those questions.