new here... vent

[someoneelse]

hi all! i finally registered after lurking for a while. i''ve always found your opinions to be insightful and helpful and supportive and would appreciate your help!

background
me: 27
bf: 29
together: 3 yrs
living together 1 yr

headache
we talk about getting married all the time.... we know we''ll marry and we''re basically engaged in the sense that we are planning on getting hitched. he has lots of opinions about the weddings and is as excited about it as i am. for several reasons, he knows he needs to ask my parents permission... and the long and short of it is... he is putting it off for no good reason!
ugh.
we were at a friend''s wedding a few weeks ago and my parents were also there and he told me he thought about asking them then but decided it would be too cheesy to ask them at another person''s wedding. he''s also really concerned about ''stealing other people''s thunder'' - we''re invited to 5 weddings this year and he thinks it''s rude for us to get engaged and take away from their days.
i told him i understand that he''s not ready to get engaged and i don''t want to rush him at all... if he''s not ready to talk to my parents about it, then i don''t want him to feel pressured or rushed. and this is what drives me crazy: he said he''s totally ready and would get married tomorrow, but he thought the situation was cheesy, and doesn''t want to take away from anyone else''s day. it''s not like he was going to propose at my friend''s wedding, so i don''t really get it.

thoughts? advice? opinions?
i have some great friends but i feel like they would be judgemental about this and it seems like you folks are the only people that could really be objective and honest. like i said, you seem like a group of very smart cookies... thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/5/2008 11:19:11 AM
Author:someoneelse
hi all! i finally registered after lurking for a while. i''ve always found your opinions to be insightful and helpful and supportive and would appreciate your help!

background
me: 27
bf: 29
together: 3 yrs
living together 1 yr

headache
we talk about getting married all the time.... we know we''ll marry and we''re basically engaged in the sense that we are planning on getting hitched. he has lots of opinions about the weddings and is as excited about it as i am. for several reasons, he knows he needs to ask my parents permission... and the long and short of it is... he is putting it off for no good reason!
ugh.
we were at a friend''s wedding a few weeks ago and my parents were also there and he told me he thought about asking them then but decided it would be too cheesy to ask them at another person''s wedding. he''s also really concerned about ''stealing other people''s thunder'' - we''re invited to 5 weddings this year and he thinks it''s rude for us to get engaged and take away from their days.
i told him i understand that he''s not ready to get engaged and i don''t want to rush him at all... if he''s not ready to talk to my parents about it, then i don''t want him to feel pressured or rushed. and this is what drives me crazy: he said he''s totally ready and would get married tomorrow, but he thought the situation was cheesy, and doesn''t want to take away from anyone else''s day. it''s not like he was going to propose at my friend''s wedding, so i don''t really get it.

thoughts? advice? opinions?
i have some great friends but i feel like they would be judgemental about this and it seems like you folks are the only people that could really be objective and honest. like i said, you seem like a group of very smart cookies... thanks for letting me vent!

Well, I can understand not wanting to propose/ask permission at someone else''s wedding, but not getting engaged because other people are getting married is ridiculous. Someone will ALWAYS be getting married. You can''t ever find a time that getting engaged would be absolutely perfect. Plus, getting engaged while others are planning their weddings might be helpful because you can get advice from those who are a bit further along in the process than you are!

It''s great that you don''t want to pressure him -- but his reasons are a bit weird. i would just try and explain to him that this is YOUR life, and what''s most important is what you guys have going on. Who''s feelings are more important - yours, or someone who''s getting married in three months who he''s simply friends with? It seems like all problems here come back to the same thing -- you just have to tell him how you feel, and try and talk it out. If he really wants to marry you, your feelings will be most important.

Hopefully he''s just scared, and wants it to be perfect. Or maybe he''s just trying to throw you off for a surprise proposal

 

[KCCutie]

My SO did the same thing! He didn''t want to be engaged before his sister''s wedding b/c he didn''t want to "steal her thunder" then I think he realized that he was being overly sensitive. He talked to his sister and of course she''s overjoyed at the though of having a SIL and she''s all for us getting engaged whenever we want to.

I agree that asking your parents while at another wedding would have been slightly awkward, but there has got to be plenty of other options. If he''s really that worried about maybe you could do it together?

I think you just need to talk to him and tell him that his procrastinating is starting to get to you and that logically he can''t wait until no one else is getting married b/c there will always be someone else getting married. If he feels like there is one couple in particular that he is waiting for maybe he should talk to them, chances are they will just love for the 2 of you to be engaged no matter when it happens.

 

[gwendolyn]

Does he have to ask your parents in person? It sounds like (and maybe this isn''t the case) like the only times he thinks he would be able to ask them is at these other weddings, and although I don''t really see how a private conversation is taking away from the bride and groom, I can respect that he feels it does. If your parents live far away and you will only see them at weddings, can''t he just call them?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

It''s so funny to me just how many situations I hear where the man is afraid to propose because he doesn''t want to steal the show from someone else, my SO included.

I agree with Qwendolyn''s comment: why can''t he simply call them or if the two of you are actively seeking an opportunity for permission to be asked, why not arrange to see them for dinner where you just so happen to dismiss yourself as some point for a little bit? I think even if he called them a day or so after attending a wedding it would be a good way for him to say "being at so and so''s wedding has really made me realize how much I love your daughter and how much I want to make her my wife...."

 

[neatfreak]

Well...I''ll say it. It sounds fishy. I can understand not wanting to propose right before a sibling''s wedding or something like that, but otherwise, come on! You will always have weddings to attend. And I don''t get not wanting to ask your parents at someone else''s wedding. It''s not like it would be a public announcement, just a conversation right?

I think that his actions in the upcoming months will speak volumes about whether he is stalling or whether his concerns are serious. If they are serious, he''ll make it happen soon. If he''s stalling, well then only you can decide whether to wait it out or not.

 

[lliang_chi]

I agree with the other ladies. It seems a bit odd. But the whole thunder excuse seems so odd, that maybe he''s trying to cover and failing miserably at finding a convincing argument?

 

[someoneelse]

thanks for all your thoughts - i appreciate it!

a little more background...
i certainly understand the ''fishy behavior'' comments. my SO is one of those people who puts everything off as long as he possibly can, so for him to talk about doing something and then take forever to do it is standard. he''ll talk a lot about big plans, but his follow-through takes forever. it drives me crazy sometimes but it''s just who he is.

as for whether or not he wants to get married, fwiw, he has more opinions about the wedding than i do, and already has our kids'' names picked out. i''m not sure about a lot of things in life, but i feel we have as solid a relationship as any i''ve seen.

what bugs me is the fact that he says he''s ready but still has his usual why-do-anything-in-a-reasonable-amount-of-time attitude. for something as serious as getting married i wish he would put aside his usual laissez-faire approach to life. he is extremely modest and shy and never wants to overstep his boundaries, hence the not wanting to step on people''s toes when it''s their special time.

long and short of it, nothing about how he is acting is surprising - it''s completely par for course. i''m just frustrated he''s treating this like he does everything else. to me this is more important than most other decisions. but he considers us engaged already and says we''re already a done deal so i don''t need to worry.

my parents live nearby, so he wants to ask them in person in person. and you guys are right... i should just talk to him more about the fact that there''s always going to be a wedding and we''d be in our 50s if he waits for the ''right time'' according to his standards. is it possible to talk about this stuff too much with him? it seems like it''s all we talk about sometimes.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:00:39 PM
Author: someoneelse
long and short of it, nothing about how he is acting is surprising - it''s completely par for course. i''m just frustrated he''s treating this like he does everything else. to me this is more important than most other decisions. but he considers us engaged already and says we''re already a done deal so i don''t need to worry.

So it sounds like he considers you engaged already, but you don''t feel that way. Is that true? Otherwise it sounds like you would be happy the way things are right now.

Maybe the next time it comes up (and if he talks more about wedding stuff than you do, just wait for him to bring it up), tell him that you DON''T consider yourselves engaged yet because you AREN''T engaged. Tell him you want to be engaged to him and make all these big plans of his happen for real, instead of just in his imagination. Tell him you won''t be fertile forever, so if he wants to use the names he''s picked out for your kids, he''s got to move off his bum at SOME point. Maybe not now, but within the next few years.

My boyfriend can be like yours in some respects. He kind of sits back and chills, thinking everything will take care of itself magically. Like he doesn''t have to work at it, because it''s always so far off. Until I bring him back down to earth, and he realizes, ''hey, maybe the future isn''t as far away as I thought!''

Anyway, just my two cents.

 

[excitedmid40sgirl]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:00:39 PM
Author: someoneelse
thanks for all your thoughts - i appreciate it!

a little more background...
i certainly understand the ''fishy behavior'' comments. my SO is one of those people who puts everything off as long as he possibly can, so for him to talk about doing something and then take forever to do it is standard. he''ll talk a lot about big plans, but his follow-through takes forever. it drives me crazy sometimes but it''s just who he is.

as for whether or not he wants to get married, fwiw, he has more opinions about the wedding than i do, and already has our kids'' names picked out. i''m not sure about a lot of things in life, but i feel we have as solid a relationship as any i''ve seen.

what bugs me is the fact that he says he''s ready but still has his usual why-do-anything-in-a-reasonable-amount-of-time attitude. for something as serious as getting married i wish he would put aside his usual laissez-faire approach to life. he is extremely modest and shy and never wants to overstep his boundaries, hence the not wanting to step on people''s toes when it''s their special time.

long and short of it, nothing about how he is acting is surprising - it''s completely par for course. i''m just frustrated he''s treating this like he does everything else. to me this is more important than most other decisions. but he considers us engaged already and says we''re already a done deal so i don''t need to worry.

my parents live nearby, so he wants to ask them in person in person. and you guys are right... i should just talk to him more about the fact that there''s always going to be a wedding and we''d be in our 50s if he waits for the ''right time'' according to his standards. is it possible to talk about this stuff too much with him? it seems like it''s all we talk about sometimes.

Someone: This doesn''t sound fishy to me...It sounds like your BF is approaching this situation as he does most others, which isn''t surprising. I think it''s pretty common in relationships, especially established ones, for someone to seem to care more about others'' feelings (i.e., "stepping on toes") than about the "beloved''s" feelings. Maybe he simply doesn''t know how you really feel about this, since you said you didn''t want to pressure him (which is true), and you could tell him how much you love him and that you''d really like to move forward. How do you think he might respond to that? You seem very reasonable and clear-headed...Maybe he''ll say, "Let''s go!"

Good luck, however you decide to approach it. We''re routing for you!

 

[LaraOnline]

When he gets home tonight, get him to call them and make a dinner date for tomorrow or the next night...by the end of this week... for the four of you at their favourite (private) restaurant.
When they ask what the occasion is... he tells them!
If that''s too much for him, get him to call them to say he''s got to tell them something important, then he hops in the car, drives over there and ...just SAYS IT!!!

Or...you call him at work right now. You tell him that you have just booked a dinner date with the four of you, for the following night, and you told your parents that you''re celebrating, he has something important to tell them.

Your parents could or should be informed/ asked by the end of the week.
It''s not a big deal, and he shouldn''t make it one. But it can be fun