Hello, I''m new to the board and wanted to thank everyone for their heartfelt stories and advice posts. Reading or "lurking" has been therapeutic, but now I wonder if posting will likewise help lift my spirits by letting go...
I''ve been in a solid relationship for 8 years now, starting from end of college, through graduate school, and now post-grad training. Yes, we are both career people, although I can''t believe I''m labeling myself in this manner because it''s not what I dreamed of as a little girl. In fact, it''s still not what I dream of; I dream of what most on this board do: love, marriage, family, forever (to paraphrase a member here). However, to look at where I put myself, many think my ambition has prevented us from being together. I''m on the west coast, he''s on the east coast, close to major airports but still very very far apart. We''ve been doing the Long Distance thing for 1.5 years now, we did it for a year after college as well (when I was working and he was "finding himself" traveling all over the world, lucky bastard). We''ve lived together (in tiny apartments) between that time for about 4 years.
I don''t see it that I put career first. I see it as the career thing was easy for me, and I took every best opportunity offered because it was easy. Our relationship was not always easy (although always committed), and so I did not make choices considering what might happen next in our relationship. I couldn''t. When I had to make my next move for training, he didn''t know where he was going to be--east, west, south US, or abroad. (So maybe I see myself as blameless... don''t we all.) But he certainly sees our relationship''s long distance component as being my fault.
Being apart now is taxing. We are both at the point (almost 30), okay me more than him, that timing is everything. I''ll be frank; I''m not ready to wait for another 3-4years to make a decision, which is what he wants. This figure is based on my training being on the west coast for another 4 years, with no possibility or desire for relocation. He has tried to come out to CA once, but it didn''t take. Now the search is harder, and I personally think he isn''t trying as hard as he says he is... He doesn''t love his current career, but to leave it would be difficult. It''s stable, it''s secure, his parents are proud. blah blah blah. Still, he is searching and it has been the plan for him to come here for me, then our next move would be at his discretion (which we believe will be towards his home town).
Despite all this, we have repeatedly agreed that we want to be together forever. I know he is sincere, and I fully trust that he means what he says. I also know it''s what I want. Problem is,
I''m ready for engagement, and I''ve done the usual hinting. It seemed that would help the next step--his move to CA, and our planning for our future together. Then I took a more direct approach recently. I said I was ready to propose to him and thinking about it. His answer: don''t. That confuses me. He won''t say No directly, although he says that''s my challenge. I say I just want him to consider it, and then if I do ask, he let himself listen and decide at that moment. After 8 years, shouldn''t a person be able to make this kind of decision?
If he says No after actual consideration, then I think we have to re-evaluate where we are; I think it could be constructive, although certainly a blow to my self confidence, and ultimately be a relationship builder (or end of a long going no where sort of connection). Maybe he will see how important it is to me and that he does want to formally commit to our future, and he''d say Yes. In that case, we are stronger to push for our friends and family to support us and his search to come out here, plan to go there, and make career decisions centered more around a family. Plus, the most important are the emotional benefits to engagement and preparation for a marriage and family for both parties (maybe more for me than him initially, it now seems, but I still believe it). I know he wants this eventually, but he has some sort of block to formally committing during my work training because he says he''s had such a hard time accepting that I would have a career and be a working person. I dont'' get it, I guess I never will.
I think waiting until I''m done training is simply too long. I won''t be able to justify scaling back, not taking additional steps in the job world... weird huh? You can say, oh, I''m putting my family and future children first. But saying you''re putting yourself and the possibility of a future family first would be laughable... It probably would cost me my job. So we are in a vicious cycle of me climbing the work ladder because it comes naturually, but not getting anywhere in my life ladder because my chosen partner is unable to make the big decisions. I am willing to sacrifice the climb, but I can''t do it without him. To do so would be reckless. Maybe you''re supposed to be reckless in love, but shouldn''t there be another way? Why is it so difficult for him? If he can say, yes, I want to marry you when we''re together, then why can''t he do it publicly? I''m not even asking for a pricey ring!!! (Yet
(It''s not because he''s secretly going to propose. I''m smart enough to know that.)
Thanks for reading this lengthy, at times absurd story. Feel free to pour on advice.
Dive Happy! (I like to scuba dive)
I''ve been in a solid relationship for 8 years now, starting from end of college, through graduate school, and now post-grad training. Yes, we are both career people, although I can''t believe I''m labeling myself in this manner because it''s not what I dreamed of as a little girl. In fact, it''s still not what I dream of; I dream of what most on this board do: love, marriage, family, forever (to paraphrase a member here). However, to look at where I put myself, many think my ambition has prevented us from being together. I''m on the west coast, he''s on the east coast, close to major airports but still very very far apart. We''ve been doing the Long Distance thing for 1.5 years now, we did it for a year after college as well (when I was working and he was "finding himself" traveling all over the world, lucky bastard). We''ve lived together (in tiny apartments) between that time for about 4 years.
I don''t see it that I put career first. I see it as the career thing was easy for me, and I took every best opportunity offered because it was easy. Our relationship was not always easy (although always committed), and so I did not make choices considering what might happen next in our relationship. I couldn''t. When I had to make my next move for training, he didn''t know where he was going to be--east, west, south US, or abroad. (So maybe I see myself as blameless... don''t we all.) But he certainly sees our relationship''s long distance component as being my fault.
Being apart now is taxing. We are both at the point (almost 30), okay me more than him, that timing is everything. I''ll be frank; I''m not ready to wait for another 3-4years to make a decision, which is what he wants. This figure is based on my training being on the west coast for another 4 years, with no possibility or desire for relocation. He has tried to come out to CA once, but it didn''t take. Now the search is harder, and I personally think he isn''t trying as hard as he says he is... He doesn''t love his current career, but to leave it would be difficult. It''s stable, it''s secure, his parents are proud. blah blah blah. Still, he is searching and it has been the plan for him to come here for me, then our next move would be at his discretion (which we believe will be towards his home town).
Despite all this, we have repeatedly agreed that we want to be together forever. I know he is sincere, and I fully trust that he means what he says. I also know it''s what I want. Problem is,
I''m ready for engagement, and I''ve done the usual hinting. It seemed that would help the next step--his move to CA, and our planning for our future together. Then I took a more direct approach recently. I said I was ready to propose to him and thinking about it. His answer: don''t. That confuses me. He won''t say No directly, although he says that''s my challenge. I say I just want him to consider it, and then if I do ask, he let himself listen and decide at that moment. After 8 years, shouldn''t a person be able to make this kind of decision?
If he says No after actual consideration, then I think we have to re-evaluate where we are; I think it could be constructive, although certainly a blow to my self confidence, and ultimately be a relationship builder (or end of a long going no where sort of connection). Maybe he will see how important it is to me and that he does want to formally commit to our future, and he''d say Yes. In that case, we are stronger to push for our friends and family to support us and his search to come out here, plan to go there, and make career decisions centered more around a family. Plus, the most important are the emotional benefits to engagement and preparation for a marriage and family for both parties (maybe more for me than him initially, it now seems, but I still believe it). I know he wants this eventually, but he has some sort of block to formally committing during my work training because he says he''s had such a hard time accepting that I would have a career and be a working person. I dont'' get it, I guess I never will.
I think waiting until I''m done training is simply too long. I won''t be able to justify scaling back, not taking additional steps in the job world... weird huh? You can say, oh, I''m putting my family and future children first. But saying you''re putting yourself and the possibility of a future family first would be laughable... It probably would cost me my job. So we are in a vicious cycle of me climbing the work ladder because it comes naturually, but not getting anywhere in my life ladder because my chosen partner is unable to make the big decisions. I am willing to sacrifice the climb, but I can''t do it without him. To do so would be reckless. Maybe you''re supposed to be reckless in love, but shouldn''t there be another way? Why is it so difficult for him? If he can say, yes, I want to marry you when we''re together, then why can''t he do it publicly? I''m not even asking for a pricey ring!!! (Yet
(It''s not because he''s secretly going to propose. I''m smart enough to know that.)
Thanks for reading this lengthy, at times absurd story. Feel free to pour on advice.
Dive Happy! (I like to scuba dive)
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