Newbie...Hi, everyone! A couple questions...

[StarvingMusician]

Hi, everyone! I''m a Lady in Waiting, it appears. I just registered today, after lurking for ages...and I have a couple of questions!

First of all, how important do you think asking the parents is? My parents are very traditional, and they would appreciate the gesture very much...but I''m a little worried they may say no. Let''s just say my parents are very conservative, and although they are kind to my boyfriend, they have never really approved of our relationship (boyfriend is quite a bit older, not religious, etc). We are visiting this weekend, and it would be a great opportunity to ask...does anyone have advice?

Second, did anyone else forgo an engagement ring? We are both poor grad students, and have decided that I would rather have a nicer wedding band then both an engagement ring and a wedding ring. I''m just concerned that people won''t see as as "really" engaged. A close friend of mine went this route, and people would ask her when she was getting an engagement ring, tell her that she wasn''t really engaged, etc...I''d like to avoid this. once again, does anyone wise have advice?

Thank you so much, I love reading all your posts.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

How about getting a simple silver or gold band as an engagement ring instead of a diamond? You don''t need a diamond to be engaged!!! That tradition only started 50-60 years ago anyway...

As for asking your parents - maybe you could talk to them first and see how they feel. Tell them you and your SO are talking marriage and you want to know if they would approve. If they give you the thumbs up then maybe you could tell your SO this weekend would be a good time to ask for your hand in marriage...

In the end whether they agree or not you need to make the decision for yourself. If they love you they will accept any decision you make in the end.

 

[Independent Gal]

It's up to you how "important" asking the parents is. If it's important to you (or if your parents are important to you to the point where it being important to them MAKES it important to you) then it's important. If not, then not. There is no objective measure of this.

As for the ring, of course you don't need an engagement ring! My mother got her 'engagement' ring after 24 years of marriage. Two of my friends never got one and never wanted one. Seriously, if you don't care about the ring, then who cares about the ring? know what I mean? If you want a little symbol, let him get you a silver ring or a little gemstone ring or a necklace or earrings or something. Maybe even from Tiffany! You can get nice silver earrings for $80. Engagement earrings. Complete with the pretty blue box. It doesn't have to be a fancy expensive diamond ring. And if you really don't care, then just forgo the whole thing.

It's totally up to you. There are no 'rules'. And what do you care if someone ignorant and foolish doesn't "see" you as "really" engaged? Just get married. Then are they going to see you as "not really married"? What do you care what "they" think about if you have a ring or not? If someone is that shallow and pathetic, I presume they are also not people you want to be friends with.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, just to sum it up, if you have agreed together that you''re getting married, you are engaged to be married. That is what it means to be engaged. End of story.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

haha that makes me laugh cause my BF and I always talk about our wedding coming up next year but all our friends make fun of us cause we aren''t even engaged yet! Meanwhile I keep trying to tell them it makes no difference cause we already agreed to getting married next year and are just waiting to be able to afford the ring we want.

 

[Just_Me]

Welcome!

I agree with the other posters. How important it is depends if it is important to you. Will you be okay with getting engaged/married if your parents don''t give their approval? Just something to think about it.

And you totally do NOT need a ring to be engaged/get married. Whatever you are your BF are happy with works!

Good luck!

 

[FrekeChild]

Just for the record, diamond engagement rings started in the 1400s. (1477 Maximillian I and Mary of Burgundy) De Beers started marketing them like crazy in the 1920s. Now they are the norm, but slowly that may be going down the drain with social awareness and the popularity of gemstone erings going up.

I would get a simple band or gemstone ring-or even a tiny diamond chip. There is a local chain (2 stores I think) that have these lovely solitaire diamond rings that are only $100. My BF is a poor grad student (I'm a poor undergrad student) and he's going to be getting me a gemstone ring-not only because he's super socially aware, or because he can't afford a huge diamond, but also because I want a gemstone ring.

And no you don't need a ring to be engaged. My parents just started planning their wedding after they agreed that they'd get married. 27 years later my mom was presented with a 1.5ct rock...

Anyway, here is some interesting reading...link

Welcome to PS!!!

ETA: I want BF to ask my parents too-but it's mostly because of my mom's health, but also because I think it's a nice gesture.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Due to an exceptional variety of reasons, I just got my engagement ring a month ago and I am getting married in September. I just wore a beautiful ring we picked out together that cost about $120, affordable to poor students but nice enough not to get any comments. Of course my mom got her engagement ring after 23 years of marriage because she didn''t want one before that.

As for asking your parents, think about this. Is it worse to get married without asking or to do it when they have already said no? I am not saying there is a right answer, just something to consider. Perhaps your BF could pull them aside and say he is going to marry you which would give them the head''s up before the proposal without the risk of them saying no like they might to a direct question.

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO will be asking my parents for their blessing but not for their permission. It's not something I ever cared much about, nor do I think my parents care as far as I know -- but it's important to SO and he sees it as a respect thing. I think they will probably be a little bit pleased/flattered when he does ask; since they don't see it as a given I think they'll appreciate the gesture.

Of course, they are crazy about him so I'm sure they will give their blessing wholeheartedly. But to be honest, even if they didn't... I'd marry him anyway. Ultimately, it's my life and I have to live with the big decisions. My parents are not the type to interfere (short of if I were about to marry someone truly dreadful) so that would never happen in the first place.

Ring-wise, I do want something. It doesn't have to be much, but I want some kind of token to symbolize our engagement. As for the specifics, I think SO is almost more hung up on the nice ring thing than I am. Male pride, methinks

 

[StarvingMusician]

Haha, absolutblond...I know what you mean about male pride. When marriage first came up, the bf talked about an engagement ring...and I quickly shot him down! We need to be a little more sensible right now...I know I''ll get a pretty sparkly ring some day.

After talking over dinner and wine tonight, the bf decided that he is going to tell my parents (very politely, respectfully, yet firmly) that he is going to propose to me. It would mean alot to my parents to ask, but we both feel that they may say no, and we don''t want to go directly against their wishes. My parents are very conservative religiously, and they do not feel that our relationship is "godly" enough. (not to knock anyone who is religious, they just feel that we have not gone about our relationship the right way) We want them to know that, while we love and respect them, this is ultimately our decision.

Since we are 99% sure we are eloping, we will not be shouting our engagement from the rooftops. We will only tell family and the closest friends, and our friends will all be understanding (we''re all grad students, artists, musicians, etc...so we all know about lack of funds) When we have our low key celebration when we get back, I''ll have the ring on, so no one will be confused about that!

I''ve seen plenty of women wearing beautiful wedding bands all by themselves. We think we''ve picked one for me... this lovely rose gold/pink sapphire band from Signed Pieces. It is actually a maternity ring, but we both agree that it definently will say "marriage" on my hand...which is what we want!

Thank you so much for all your great advice...it''s really helped us out!

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others. It was important for D to ask my parents, not for permission but just to let him know what he was doing out of courtesy to them. Hopefully it will go fine when your bf says it to them this weekend.

That ring is beautiful!!

 

[Just_Me]

Sounds like a good plan - and I really like the ring you picked!