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Newbie in need of a bit of advice

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DiamondDeenie

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 9, 2006
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Hi everyone! For the most part, I''m a lurker. Some background - my FF and I have been together just shy of three years. We''ve been living together for two of those years. In March, I sat him down and we had "the talk". He agreed marriage was in the cards, and the search began! Here''s where it gets sticky... not long after our discussion his mother wound up in the hospital, it didn''t seem very serious at the time so we continued to look, her condition got worse and worse and then better.. anyhow, she spent approx. 5 months in the hospital on and off, the last 2 months of the 5 she was there continuously. Since she had been improving those last 2 months we had continued our search and were waiting for her to get "somewhat better" before he had the talk with his parents. Early last month she passed away - she was 63, had been on a ventilator for 7 weeks and wound up developing double pneumonia. Things have just completely spiraled out of control since that day. I am trying so hard not to be selfish in any way and give 100% of myself while getting absolutely nothing in return. This Sunday will be 7 weeks since her death, I am not in anyway putting a time frame on his grieving, but I don''t know how much longer I can do this. He is a completely different person. He''s mean, he yells and throws things, screams and yells at other drivers when he''s driving, has zero consideration for me or my feelings. I know that everyone grieves in their own way, I''ve tried talking to him about it, I don''t yell, I remain calm, I simply try to state how I am feeling, but he gets so angry and just starts screaming that his mother is dead. I can''t say anything after he says that. And he''s been really mean. The last couple of weeks have been a bit calmer than things have been in the past, so I guess I felt it was okay to show some emotion. I had a really, really, really bad day and to top it all off, broke a nail on the way home and popped the button on my jeans getting dressed for dinner, so I was upset. I was pretty quiet, he picked up on this. Oh and I forgot to mention the dog threw up on the carpet while we were at work, well, FF admittedly does a half a$$ed job of cleaning up the red puke from our beige living room carpet, because - according to him - if he spent the time needed to do it properly he would have gotten to the gym later and would not have been home by 7:30 so we could go to dinner (I had to be up at 4:30 this morning for a HUGE meeting). He tells me this, in my mind it''s pick up the vomit - home is important and that''s just plain nasty - go to the gym, but cut your workout by 10 min to get home on time since I have a very important, critical to my career meeting (btw he was at the gym for almost two hours!) So, we''re waiting for our food at the restaraunt and we are talking about all of this and I tell him that it appears as though he is his only priority, he comes first no matter what so he says "my mom is on my mind all the time. Do you think that I can think about anything else? My mom is dead" I''m really angry right now and I guess in my mind I''m thinking what does that have to do with picking up the vomit? So I said, as nicely as I could, that it wasn''t fair for him to continually play that card. Um, he went ballistic. I know I shouldn''t have phrased it in that way, but his response and his anger was unreal. I don''t know what to do at this point. And guess my question is, how much abuse should I really be taking at this point?
 
Hmmmm... well, lots of people manage to deal with grief without attacking their SO every 5 minutes. I''m very sorry to hear that his mother has passed away, but I think his behaviour is childish and worrisome. It almost sounds like he''s using it as an excuse. Maybe suggest he see a grief counsellor. This just doesn''t sound healthy to me.
 
I don''t think it''s healthy either, and I have asked him to see someone. He went once. Went to group counseling at a church once as well. Nothing since then. Normally he''s very considerate. He''s the kind of guy that still opens doors for me, holds my hand when we''re walking, always trying to protect me. He''s still doing these things, but he''s mean and nasty on top of it.
 
Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this!

Well, I can relate in a VERY SLIGHT way...my dad has a similar temper...daily, and always has had. Living every day as though if I didnt walk on needles, he might explode.

Well...this still hasnt changed. He is who he is I guess...and each day is different. But let me tell you...we aren''t as close as I wish we were!

Someone with a jerk reaction like that, someone whom is so deeply angered and saddened really needs to see someone professionally.

This is a situation that you could look at in a few different ways....
#1 he could grieve and emotionally have closure and this all ends...you two live happlily ever after.

#2 He never truly gets closure, continues to grieve, and this scary cycle never ends.

Sometimes it takes a life-altering traumatic event to happen for someone to change forever. And I know that is the last thing you want to think, but because that is a possibility, I would do everything I could to encourage him to get help.

As far as breaking up, if he is the one, you dont want to loose him. Although, you certainly do not deserve the abuse. So maybe some time, even just a week apart may help him to be by himself etc.

I dont know if any of this helped, but good luck, thoughts and prayers are with you and your SO''s family.
 
Could you possibly buy him some books about grieving? Or do you think he''d react badly to that?

There is NEVER any excuse for being mean and nasty. It comes out of all of us sometimes, especially when we''re under stress or horribly sad, but the right thing is to apologize, not try to excuse it.

I think you''re within what''s appropriate to sit him down and say ''Honey, I know how sad you are and I love you very much, but you can''t treat me like this. If we''re going to spend the rest of our lives together, we need to be able to deal with sadness, tragedy, hurt, all kinds of things while still treating each other with care and RESPECT. You are not doing that right now. I can''t be your punching bag."
 
Thank you for replying Independent and H&W. Does anyone think it would be wrong of me to demand that he see someone immediately and continue with that therapy or else have him move out until he is of a more sane mind? Btw, this is killing me. Just writing those words has made me cry.
 
Independent - that''s the funny thing, he has been reading about the grieving process and I honestly thought things were improving until he blew up last night. He has still been inconsiderate, but he was smiling a bit more. It seems like unless I act "perfect" he gets mad.

I like what you said though, about sitting him down. I''m certainly willing to try - again.
 
Aww, sweetie.... give him time. Losing a parent is hard, and he''s going to need his time to grieve. A woman named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross famously described the 5 stages of grief, and as someone who has lost a parent herself, I can say that it takes time to find "happy" after losing a beloved parent.

I think Independent Girl''s words are very wise.

On a lesser point, I know you had these big plans to get engaged in the earlier part of the year, but the underlying circumstances are different enough to say that it might also be wise to put those plans on hold for a while. If you''re planning on spending the rest of your life with him, it doesn''t make that big of a difference if you were dating for 3 1/2 or 4 1/2 years before tying the knot. It might be a while before he "finds happy" once again, but he eventually will. And I''m sure you want your engagement to be bourne out of optimism for the future rather than some lesser alternative.

Oh, and as someone who has gone through it, yes, as his cohabitating partner, it''s reasonable to make sure he finds specific support. In addition to bona-fide therapy, don''t overlook the much more simplistic group grief counseling offered in schools and churches/synagogues. Not only is it less expensive and less scary for most people, but the structure of it tends to be well-suited for those suffering grief from losing a loved one.

Good luck. Though it''ll be a challenge, this is the type of thing you can get through together with dignity and love.
 
DD, I feel really bad for you. However, I''m hoping I can shed some light from his perspective. My father died last summer - and losing him was literally like losing my whole family because my mom and I haven''t spoken in years. It took me at least six months to behave normally, much less be a nice person.

My BF also took the brunt of my grief. I was so angry at the world, and I very much took that out on him because I didn''t know what else to do. Thankfully, we managed to work through it - but it took time. He tried talking to me about counseling and grief management, etc. and I only got offended. I know it''s hard for you, but if you love him, you can make it through this. He''s not going to snap out of it overnight, and you need to be prepared for some rough times for awhile.

Obviously, his behavior is out of line, but 7 weeks is nothing - this is grief that lasts a lifetime. If you''ve never been there you can''t have any concept of it. My best advice is to tell him you understand that he''s hurting, and you would never try to understand that pain, but if he wants you to continue to be around he''s going to need to find another way of letting his grief out because it''s affecting your relationship. That''s basically the talk my BF had with me that woke me up to how I was treating him.

Good luck.
 
I''ve no real advice for you, just posting to check that you''re doing ok. I would try talking to him and see how open he is to the idea of counselling. Hope things improve for you soon
 
Date: 9/21/2007 5:45:42 PM
Author: yarrmatey
DD, I feel really bad for you. However, I''m hoping I can shed some light from his perspective. My father died last summer - and losing him was literally like losing my whole family because my mom and I haven''t spoken in years. It took me at least six months to behave normally, much less be a nice person.

My BF also took the brunt of my grief. I was so angry at the world, and I very much took that out on him because I didn''t know what else to do. Thankfully, we managed to work through it - but it took time. He tried talking to me about counseling and grief management, etc. and I only got offended. I know it''s hard for you, but if you love him, you can make it through this. He''s not going to snap out of it overnight, and you need to be prepared for some rough times for awhile.

Obviously, his behavior is out of line, but 7 weeks is nothing - this is grief that lasts a lifetime. If you''ve never been there you can''t have any concept of it. My best advice is to tell him you understand that he''s hurting, and you would never try to understand that pain, but if he wants you to continue to be around he''s going to need to find another way of letting his grief out because it''s affecting your relationship. That''s basically the talk my BF had with me that woke me up to how I was treating him.

Good luck.
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What yarrmatey said is pretty much how I feel about the situation. She offered some great advice from a personal perspective. Clearly he''s hurting, clearly. However it is going to take time to deal with the pain of losing his mother. To be honest I don''t think 7 weeks is all that long to grieve. And he probably needs you more than ever right now even if he doesn''t show it. Just try to be patient and keep talking to him. Explain how you feel when he lashes out. Continue to try and encourage him to get help. It''s not like he did a 180 for no reason. In this instance there is clearly a reason, and I think you should give him some time to heal.
 
To reiterate what others have said... grieving is a different process for everyone and it goes on for a long time. Losing a parent is a kind of grief that is indescribable, and you can''t feel it, until you''ve lost a parent. I lost my father about two months ago. I''m normally a pretty laid back person but it has made me so angry and so much more likely to get irritated... even at the ones I love. There was one line that struck a chord with me... The my mother just died card. To someone who hasn''t lost a parent it would sound a lot like a cop out. However people expect people to grieve and then want them to just be "ok" again. Now as his gf you''re probably not one of them, but that is probably how he feels... that no one is remembering how much he is hurting. I''m not excusing his actions by any means. My father acted much like he is acting now for pretty much my entire life... so I will warn you... give him time, tell him to get help... but if things to not get better... DO NOT MARRY HIM. It is a horrible way to live... walking on eggshells. I hope some of this makes any sense. Just do all that you can to support him and get him to talk to someone... He probably doesn''t feel like he can talk to you, I never feel like I can talk to anyone. You just never want to make anyone feel as sad as you do... so you hold it in. That''s why therapists are so great... you''re paying them to sit and listen... so you don''t feel as bad.

I really wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation.
 
Oh dear, what a hard situation, I''m so sorry. I''m not sure how much ''advice'' I can give... I haven''t been in your shoes, or in your BF''s shoes and I am sure I can''t even imagine how difficult this must be. I do think seven weeks is a very short time and that anger is part of grieving. That said, you still deserve to receive respect. I think the group counselling at your church sounds like a good idea. Take care, and come back to this community when you need support. The people here are amazing how they take care of one another.
 
Well, I have had a parent die so I do understand the situation. It sounds like you''ve been there for him and it sounds like you''re at the time to receive some emotional reciprocation. At this time, it still may be hard for him as he is probably withdrawing a little more or perhaps in an angry phase of his grieving. I''m not sure, but maybe he thinks the things that are happening are more trivial (buttons popping,nails breaking, dog puke). To him, maybe he doesn''t think you understand that his mother has died. I don''t know. I don''t know enough about your relationship. I just remember that very soon after my father''s death that everyone wants to get back to normal faster than the person grieving.

Now, I want to be very clear, that I don''t think it''s right for him to be yelling at you and expressing his anger like he is. I think he needs more time and needs to be told that you will not tolerate being treated poorly. If he feels he needs to be alone right now to avoid that then so be it.

In the meantime, maybe you can pick up the dog vomit. Down the line, when he feels better, he can make it up to you with like massages or a sparkly gift or something. These are the trying times in a relationship and great practice for "better or worse"
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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It is a really tough one. I feel for both of you. It is never an easy thing to watch someone you love go through the emotional torture of coping with the loss of a parent.

Here's my 2 cents. It may apply to you or not.

My father died 3+ years ago. I am still not over it and don't think I ever will be. I stopped crying on a daily basis after about 12 months had passed. I think of my father many times every day because I miss him so much.

Please understand if your BF is going through anything like I went through, compared to loosing a parent, dog vomit is nothing, a dirty carpet is nothing. In my opinion, nothing has any meaning compared to the unmeasurable loss of a parent. I cared about nothing for a long time after my dad died.

As for your BF's anger, he has every right to be angry but he has no right to be abusive to you. One of my guy friends who was in therapy learned that for many men in our society, anger is the only acceptable emotion for them to display. So very often when a man is sad, he will turn it into anger so he can still be manly and express his emotion. One problem with this is that it's hard to resolve the anger if it is actually sadness. I hope along with your BF's anger he is doing a good amount of crying and grieving. Chances are he's never felt what he's feeling right now and he could be kinda confused by how he's acting and feeling. He sounds like he's acting out of control and it's possible he feels out of control.

Make sure you communicate to him in a kind way that if he wants you around he can't treat you in a disrespectful manner. You have feelings too. You may even have to write him a letter if he can't hear you right now. I'm sure that as time passes you will start to see his good side again.

As far as the "my mom's dead" card, I think he'll be playing that card for a while. It is a very valid reason for what he is feeling right now. It's been 3+ years since my dad died and I still have days where his death is exactly the reason I'm not a happy camper.

Until someone has lost their parent they have no clue how it feels. You didn't mention if you have lost a parent and frankly I hope you haven't because it totally sucks. If you have lost a parent, I am so very sorry that you have had to experience this kind of suffering.

I hope you BF does seek counseling if he is not able control his abusive behavior towards you. I hope you will get yourself out of any abusive situation you are in whether it be with him or any person on this planet. Take care of yourself. My heart goes out to both of you.
 
Give him his space, pick up a little extra slack for him, and get him to a grief counselor now... like yesterday. That amount of anger is not healthy and needs to be dealt with and channeled so he can grieve properly.

*M*

ETA: I speak as someone who has watched this with three separate people, all of whom were very close to me.
 
I''m terribly sorry this is happening to you! He obviously needs to see a therapist regularly... I hope he will and that things will get better for the both of you. I can''t imagine the pain he''s going through, but nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats you.
 
I too am sorry you''re going through. I can''t imagine losing a parent. Just thinking about it makes me cry. SS above had some very important points above. Rmember that during the grieving process they go through, denial, anxiety, fear, guilt, depression, and anger. These are all "states" and not "stages", becuase they revisit these"states" throughout their lives. They don''t go through these "stages" and then it''s over and done with. They will revisit these states over and over in their lives, but with less intensity as time goes on. I hope this helps. Granted he needs time, however, abuse no matter what the situation, is not acceptable. Talk with him and just listen. Show empathy. "feel with" what he is saying. Listen to really understand his experience. You don''t have to agree with him, but in order to understand, empathize with him. Be receptive. and finally, be patient. Take some time with this. My heart goes out with you. Fill us in so we know how you are doing.
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Wow! Thank you all so very, very much for your responses. You are all so kind. I sat him down Friday night and spoke with him. Actually I wrote some things down and gave it to him to read and then we discussed. He was pretty mad at first, but I broke down, got on my knees and literally begged him to see someone. I told him it was not negotiable. It was therapy or he had to leave for a while. He agreed. We talked some more and both of us explained what was going on in our heads. He cried, I cried, we cried. From that point on, things have been great. I don''t expect him to be happy, I don''t expect him to ever forget about his mother or to ever truly "recover". That''s where I think things were becoming confusing for him and I, he thought I expected him to be happy and "get over it", meanwhile that was never what I said or had been trying to say. Things have been so hard for us for so long (his mother got sick in March, we visited her every single day... we would race home from work, change our clothes in 5 minutes and race from the house to the hospital, never getting home before 10pm, then up again at 5 for him, 6 for me to do it all over again). The past five days, since our talk, really have been great though. He is still sad, he still cries, we still cry, but I feel that connection with him once again and it''s something that I haven''t felt in a very long time.
To everyone here who has ever lost a parent, or anyone they truly love, I am very sorry for your loss. While I have not lost either of my parents, I did lose my grandmother a few years ago. I was closer to her than I was to my mother (long story), I still think of her every single day and miss her immensely, I think I was just able to process the loss a little easier than my FF has been able to "process" his. This is his first real experience with grief, while throughout my own life, I have dealt with death and tragedy more times than I care to mention.
Again, thank you so much. I truly appreciate each of you for taking the time out of your day to respond. I know that although the last 5 days have been truly amazing with him, 5 days is not very long and we still have quite a tough road ahead of us, but I think we''re in the process of laying the foundation to be able to finally pull through this together.
 
I''m really happy that you managed to work it out, DiamondDeenie. *hugs* to you both, and good luck with going through such a difficult time.
 
I''m glad to hear that he agreed to see someone and that things are slowly getting better. My prayers are with you!
 
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I''m so happy to hear that things are better.

I''m so sorry to hear that you have experienced so much death and loss. Sounds like you are a great girlfriend and your guy is really lucky to have your love. I''m glad he realizes that and is communicating better with you, and treating you better. I wish you both the best.
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I am so glad that things are better!


My best wishes for you both!

Eugenia
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I''m so glad that you were able to talk to each other and that things are feeling a bit better between the two of you. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship
 
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