Newbie in need of advice

[PugLover]

Hi Ladies! This is my very first post on here, but I have been lurking for a few months now. I am in need of some advice and you ladies seem to be so helpful and informative

. It also helps to see this through an objective viewpoint. First off a bit of background info. BF and I recently turned 23 so we are rather young. We have been dating for a little over 4 years now. He is the perfect man for me in every sense of the word. We have the same goals and aspirations in life, think exactly alike, etc. Everything in the relationship has been going great, in fact, we have not had any arguments the entire time. Sure, there have been a couple minor disagreements, like in every relationship, but none that have resulted in any disagreements. A lot of people I know have said that I''m mature beyond my years (I''ve gone through being raised by my grandmother in another country while my parents were in the States to make a better life for us, to coming here when I was 9, only to lose my mom to cancer when I was 14, and so on). Now, my BF''s life has been more sheltered and he has always been hesitant in whatever it is that he is doing. Even ordering dinner he can hardly ever make decisions

. Anyway, I digress. Lately (last 6 mos or so) I''ve been more seriously considering engagement. I feel that I am able to make this decision at this time. Ideally, I don''t see getting married for another 2-3 years, bit it''s nice to at least know that you and your SO are on the same page when it comes to that. So my BF''s response has been pretty lukewarm. Sometimes when I bring up rings or something else related to engagement/marriage, he seems ok with it, not overly excited, but open to it. Other times, not so much. He seems to want to avoid the topic. Lately, I have been picking up on that. I sat him down and told him how I was feeling. I wanted to know what he was feeling. His response (after having to drag it out of him) was that he loves me, he loves caring for me, he loves making me happy, but sometimes he has visions of us together in the future, sometimes not. So I ask, what the heck is that supposed to mean?!?! Even though I''m not ready for marriage right now, I know eventually I want to make that committment to him. But I guess he''s not having all the happy visions of us together..

So I ask well what now? And he says - I don''t know, I don''t know what to say, I just wanted to tell you that now rather than later when you''re looking at rings or something and I would have to intervene at that time. Even though he says everything is okay I just can''t stop thinking about this. Any advice from others who have gone through this?? Sorry for the ramble and thanks for listening ladies.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hi PugLover, I read your thread and related to much of it until I got to the part about your SO not knowing whether you are in his future. I''m so sorry that he said that to you Noone can say for definite what this means. At 23 your SO may simply feel too young for marriage (men do mature slower!) I do think that an extra few years does make a difference. However, it would worry me slightly if my SO said that to me.
I think that if I were you I would need to sit down and discuss this more together as it would worry me. Maybe the other ladies will have better advice (as I haven''t rweally given any!) I hope you manage to get to the same page.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yup, that's how it sounds to me too. Your man loves you and thinks your wonderful, but might feel like he wants to explore, be on his own, grow up some more, etc., before he settles down. Not much you can do about that, I'm afraid. And it seems like he's being pretty clear, even though he's afraid it means he'll lose you. You just have to decide if it's worth it for you to stick around and enjoy just being his girlfriend for a while, knowing it's not going anywhere, or if it's less painful for you to break it off and move on with your life.

I know it can be hard to understand why someone wouldn't want marriage as early as you do. But it's not uncommon, and often has NOTHING to do with you or your relationship. My first love and I had a wonderful relationship, but we both knew we weren't ready for marriage, so eventually we moved on with our lives. Not because there was anything wrong with the relationship, just because neither of us was ready to settle down. But if he married you feeling like he was not ready, but was scared to lose you otherwise, then he might grow to resent you later.

So sorry, hon.

Life can be so tough on some people.

 

[PugLover]

Thanks for the responses so far! I''m still sort of in shock, as I can''t believe we even had the conversation that we had. I just keep thinking how he says he doesn''t want to lose me, but then says he''s not definitely seeing me in his future I guess I need to figure out what I want to do next, rather than let him be "in charge" of me, so to speak.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, Pug honey, I can imagine you ARE in shock. Suddenly the grass is blue and the sky is green? You are on the right track thinking to yourself that you have to decide what is good for YOU and not just let him be in charge of you.

You also have to keep in mind that it can absolutely be 100% true that he hates the thought of losing you AND doesn't want to get married. It took me a year, a YEAR to get over my first love. It just about killed me. But I still didn't want to marry him, not because of anything about him, just because I wasn't ready for marriage. He can love you to pieces and just not be ready. But if he's not ready, he's not ready.

 

[PugLover]

IG - I just don''t know if he''s not ready for it yet and that''s why the hesitation (he says that everything is fine but just when the marriage part comes up, he just can''t get past it), or just that he''s afraid to be alone and that''s why he doesn''t want to lose me.

 

[choro72]

I''m so sorry he said that to you...

I usually hate relating songs and reality, but Mariah Carey''s "Butterfly" comes to my mind in this case. We''ll listen to you anytime.

 

[Erin]

I don't envy your postion.
I guess if I really had to think about that being me, here's what I'd think.

I'm not asking for an engagement or marriage now, I just want to know that it is both what we want. Now.
It would be hard for me to invest in the relationship knowing it may be investing into something that's going to disappear.
That wouldn't settle well with me. As much as it is a shock for me right now it would eventually fester into resentment and petty backlashes.

My ex claimed he couldn't make up his mind. He would hint that we wouldn't work and then turn around and exclaim I was the only one for him. This went on for months into nearly two years before I left. My bitterness drove him away and made me not want him anymore.

Of course this is only one way your situation could go.

The other is that he's young and needs to accomplish things in life. Guys have a list they need to cross off in order to feel like they're ready to make that decision and at 23 I bet he still has a lot of things on his list. Maybe he's unsure, if he thinks you're ready for marriage now or soon, that you'll be unwilling to wait indefinitely until his chores are done.

For men, getting married has nothing to do with time. You can date him for ten years but if he doesn't feel like there's nobody better out there for him than you, no amount of talking or not talking or convincing or being a good girlfriend is going to change that. In my opinion, only because it worked for me, distancing yourself and having independent goals, activities, friends, and outlooks is the only way to find out if he needs you or just likes you being around.

 

[Codependent Gal]

I dated a guy from 19-23. I was devastated after we broke up, but I got over it. Even if things don''t work out between you and your boyfriend, I think that it is a good experience to have your heart broken. That relationship taught me that someone can hurt you and still love you, but more importantly it has helped me to realize that life goes on. I literally felt like I was going to die when we broke up, but guess what. I didn''t. Now I know that the world will not stop spinning if my current boyfriend and I don''t end up together. It will really suck, but I''ll get over it and I will be happy again.

 

[PugLover]

Thanks again for all this good advice. And I think that right now the best thing to do is sort of distance myself, like Starset said. If he really needs me, he will let me know. This is definitely a hard thing for me, but I know that I would like to stay with him and if he does too then great, if not.. well... then it wasn''t meant to be in the first place.

 

[Octavia]

Puglover, I know that the thought of not being with your BF -- or just not being with him as much -- is difficult. I had a major breakup when I was in college, and ironically he''s actually the only one of my exes I''m still really close friends with. But he was also the one who hurt me the most. In the end, though, the years from 22-24 were when I grew the most as a person, and I''m very glad that I had those years for me and wasn''t trying to be something to/for someone else at the same time. I can''t predict what will happen to your relationship, but whatever happens, please make sure to take time for yourself and figure out who you are, independent of anyone else. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you can handle what life throws at you, so don''t shirk from that, even when it''s difficult. You''ll thank yourself later, I promise.