Newbie - please add me to the list

[katica]

Hello ladies.
Well I''ve been lurking for a while and am addicted to reading all the threads on here. You''re all so sweet and supportive of each other. I''m a little frustrated with the pace things are going and wanted to vent a little... I know you guys will understand and I don''t want to take it out on SO.


I''m waiting for that proposal too.. OK here''s the story and I''m sorry it''s so long..

My SO (29) and I (29) have been together for 1.5 years and have been living together for 8 months. He started talking kids and marriage pretty early. Before Christmas last year I asked him what he wanted and he said "you don''t have to get me a gift for Christmas because you''re going to give me the best gifts ever one day" and I asked him what''s that. So he rubbed my tummy and said "babies". I hope that doesn''t make anyone gag lol I thought it was cute.

Anyhow, I feel like I''ve been led on a bit. You see, in June-July I was gone for a three week vacation. When I came back we went out with some friends. As we were dancing he grabbed my hand, rubbed my ring finger and said "it''ll be time to put a ring on your finger soon" with this goofy grin on his face. I was soo happy (since to me, "soon" means a month or two)!! Ok, so he was a little tipsy.. but what did I care?

We had plans to go on a vacation to Turkey in late summer so I thought ok this is it. Never mind that he told me it won''t be until after the trip, I thought he was just trying to throw me off and surprise me. While we were there we went to look at rings, I got to try them on. It was so fun. He even disappeared for an afternoon so I thought he went and got one. He had told me before that it would be custom made, so I knew deep down he wouldn''t buy one in a store but I was hoping it would be soon.

Anyway, here we are in November and "soon" has passed. He''s been working really hard with hardly any free time so I''m getting kind of depressed, thinking that he''s not even making time to go to the jewellers.
Well I called him on it the other night and he said in a few months time he''ll have time to go looking. WHAAAT? I have read on here that it can take up to 2-3 months to have a ring custom made so I pointed out to him that if he waits a few months to start LOOKING then he won''t have a ring for a few months after that. And he said he wants a summer wedding so I pointed out it takes time to plan and I don''t want to wait till summer 2010.

So here I am waiting and don''t know what to do. I find myself angry at him and feeling like if this was important to him he''d make the time to go look for it and it would not be an afterthought. I don''t want to resent him...

Ok thanks for listening (if you made it through that!, and if you didn''t, sorry for writing so much)

 

[megster84]

Yay! I am the first to welcome you to LIW. I have only been here for a short time and I love how supportive, caring and funny all the ladies around here are to one another. You are def in the right place to vent. I think that while everyone has differences in their relationships, we all share common frustrations and joys. The most common of these is waiting for our SO to get a clue! lol I think it is a good idea if you realistically explain (calmly and rationally) that he cannot simply say "POOF" here is the perfect ering, Marry me! These things take time to plan out..searching for the perfect stone, setting, sizing etc. It is a big undertaking. It sounds like you two see your future the same, which is awesome. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to give him a clear picture of what you want (if you haven''t already) and what you wouldn''t want. Then there is the very popular "timeline talk". Many other LIW''s have had this discussion with their SO, I think most have gone well. I can speak for myself that my SO and I are in a much better place regarding engagement and wedding plans now that we have laid out a tentative timeline/expectations of one another. He said he was so nervous about messing up the ring (his exact words were, "Picking out your engagement ring scares me more than anything I can think of!"), he wanted to "get it right". I think by us talking about it out in the open it alleviated stress on both of our parts. Yet, each couple is different and you have to do what you think is best for you two...anyway good luck, keep us posted, and welcome to LIW, may your stay be short and sweet...

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

hi katica! Welcome! Your SO sounds like a huge mushy teddy bear, haha. I can relate, mine is also very mushy and open with his feelings. Its a good thing in most cases but I can see how you feel a little let down by all his talk and now no action. While I was reading towards the end I thought this - Maybe, since your SO is so marriage oriented and seems to know what he wants, he had a specific type of ring and diamond in mind? Maybe all this hard working lately is to afford that custom setting and a nice size diamond for you? He seems like the kind of guy who would say that you deserve the best and now maybe he''s waiting until he can save up enough to afford what he sees as the best for you. You''re lucky to have an SO who is so excited about getting engaged, many people dont have that. I have a feeling thats attributing to this speed bump, I think hes trying to make it as special as possible for you. Hope that opens up a different perspective for you. Keep your chin up

We''re all in the same boat!

 

[Dreamgirl]

A big welcome to you!!!

 

[purselover]

welcome

I agree with megster men tend to forget details such as engagement rings don''t appear out of thin air (love the Poof lol) and weddings aren''t planned overnight

I feel you when you say if it was a priority he''d find time, and while you are important so is work, and it can be hard to find that balance. I would talk to him about that and remind gently that you need to be a priority too. I sympathize with your SO though as well he probably doesn''t understand really why you don''t want to have to wait a few more months.

Sorry for the ramble I guess my point is remind him of when you wanted to get married and why you are concerned that won''t be able to happen now. Just out of curiosity is there a reason why it has to be this summer and you don''t want to wait until 2010? If it''s just b/c you''re impatient and don''t want to wait another year to get married, I''m not sure that''s a good reason to rush a ring purchase and planning

 

[i_heart_cushions]

Welcome to PS!!!

I enjoyed reading your story...and it seems he is definitely on the right track...

Not to get your hopes up, but maybe he''s trying to throw you off track?

I mean, yes - he is working late - but that doesn''t mean he isn''t looking online. If he''s buying it online, he doesn''t even need to leave the office to get a custom ring done. And even if he goes to the store - he could be hiding that fact from you!

Here''s hoping that I''m right!

Hang in there - it will happen soon enough, I''m sure!

 

[katica]

Awww thanks for the replies. I knew you''d understand!

Yes he is like lots of guys - I don''t know whether he knew that rings take a while to make, but I know that he had NO CLUE that some people book their venues a year in advance and that some wedding dresses take months to come in once you''ve ordered it. Well I''ve informed him so now he knows..
As for timing.. well it might sound silly but I really wanted to have a baby with him in summer of 2010 (and this summer he said he wanted it in 2 years as well) but to do that we''d have to get married by this time next year. It can take a while to get pregnant too

you never know how long it might take so I thought the earlier we start trying the better, right? He really loves babies (he looks and smiles at them at the mall, in the elevator etc. - I hope the parents don''t think he''s too creepy lol) and I just wish he would be doing that with our baby already! lol

He did mention that he needs to save more to afford the ring that I "deserve" so at least I know that when (if - I don''t want to jinx it) it comes it''ll be nice.

I guess it sounds like I''m crazy to be so anxious since it must sound like he''s really on track. But I''ve read so many stories of guys just leading on girls and using excuses that it makes me nervous. And he used to talk about it more before and now I''ve been the one to bring it up

I guess I should just trust him. And I am still peeved at his stupid slip back in July that I''ll have a ring "SOON". What a doofus! I guess men use a different dictionary!

I''ve had the timeline talk with him so he knows it''s an issue. He probably thought I can put a wedding together really quickly. Oh well I''ll see what happens. I didn''t want too short an engagement. I want to enjoy the excitement of planning the wedding and not be super stressed trying to put it together in 3-4 months. I don''t even know if it''s possible to plan the wedding so fast.

Whew I already feel better. Thanks again for welcoming me.

 

[purselover]

If all of a sudden he''s not the one bringing engagement up then maybe he doesn''t want you to suspect anything, it wouldn''t be as big of a surprise if he told you he was buying a ring this month, then if he told you it would be a few months and then proposed next week, you know? I hope this is the case for you. If not and an engagement is still a few months off maybe you could look into Fall weddings, I always wanted a summer wedding too but after reading some threads in brides world wide Fall/Winter weddings sound amazing, I highly recommend if you haven''t already check out some topics over there.

I don''t think it sounds silly you want to try for a baby next Summer I think it''s great, especially since you''re on the same page

 

[sammyj]

Welcome katica!!!

It seems like you and your BF are really open and you communicate well! It also seems like you''ve opened his eyes to the reality of getting engaged and planning a wedding...which is great!!!

Keep you chin up and join the party!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Welcome, Katica! Thank you for sharing. LIW is the perfect place to vent and find perspective. I''ve only been on here for a little over a month and the other ladies have been very helpful to me so far.

A good friend of mine made a custom ring that he bought in Turkey. He actually hand molded the setting himself with the help of a Turkish metal worker. Amazing, so it''s kind of interesting you mentioned the trip to Turkey. A couple of thoughts your post inspired.

1) Is your BF typically a planner or a procrastinator?
2) Does he appreciate symbolism and sentimental things for you two as a couple, or does he like to be more spontaneous and surprising?

Reason I ask is because until more recently, I too carried some heavy frustration towards my BF, not knowing if finding a ring/engagement was a serious priority. In my hopes and expectations, I forgot that he is a planner who values sentimental things and symbolism. He bought a house in May and has put a lot of time into that and sometimes I felt as though he was choosing a house over our relationship. I felt that although we talked extensively about marriage, that it was disappointing that he wouldn''t propose or start looking at rings sooner. But more recently, he''s explained that he bought the house for our future, that he''s been saving up and working extra hours for our future, and that he has a special plan to propose but that he cannot let me in on the secret. His mother put it this way "if he plans out every minute detail of his life, why wouldn''t he be planning and working towards something so important and significant to him as a proposal and marriage? He has a plan, so relax." Since then I kind of have and regardless of whether there''s enough time to plan a Fall 2009 or a Spring 2010 wedding when he proposes, at least I''ll know that he''s truly ready to put his whole self into greeting the future with open arms. I hope you might find some comfort in knowing that he loves you and wants to spend his future with you, and in all likelihood is somehow working towards that future now.

In the meantime, welcome to the boards and keep us posted!

 

[chiapet]

Welcome! Just remember that men and women have totally different time lines. His "soon" is obviously veryyyy different from your definition of "soon". But I think it''s a great sign that he consistently brings up marriage and buying a ring. Be patient! And in the meantime, enjoy the company of the other ladies in waiting.

 

[katica]

Thanks for the input.

CNY: I don''t know if he''s a procrastinator or a planner. With some things he plans them out carefully. But some other things take him forever to finally get done. For example it took months of nagging to finally get him to fix his insurance so he could start driving his new car instead of his work van. On your second question, he seems to be both sentimental and spontaneous - and he loves surprising me. Like he''ll go shopping by himself and tell me he only got clothes for himself, but then he''ll show up with some clothes or shoes for me too! By the way your SO sounds so sweet and thoughtful. I''m sure when the time comes you''ll have an awesome proposal and look, you''ll already have a house to share!

Purselover: thanks for the reassuring words. Since he does like surprises maybe he is trying to throw me off a bit but I won''t get my hopes up too high. Thanks for the tips on fall/winter weddings. I''ll check it out.


Now something else is causing me headaches.. he doesn''t want much of my input on the ring. He wants me to trust his tastes lol Oh great!! well he hasn''t bought me much jewellery so far so I don''t know!!

we''ll see I guess..

 

[CNYHopeful]

Please do keep us posted, Katica. Men can be hard to read sometimes. I think those of us who are not involved in the ring buying process may be in the dark slightly more than those who have gone out and helped their SO pick out their E-ring. Your SO sounds really sweet. I know there must be some days that are more frustrating than others, but it''s their tenderness and love that makes all the wait worthwhile...even when they''re not ALWAYS so tender and sweet...

It sounds like your SO really wants to make the ring and engagement special and might feel that if he gives too much info, it might "ruin" the personal touch he''s thinking. Just my initial thought. Hope you find some solace in the meantime!

 

[jennilynn]

Hello, Katica. Welcome!

This might be a little off topic, but I felt compelled to respond. It''s not often I run across fellow travellers of Turkey, after all.

I spent July and August of this summer exploring the sights. I have some family living near the sea, but Istanbul captured my heart. Don''t you just love the rich, gorgeous gold?

I do hope that everything works itself out soon and you have a short and happy stay here in LIW.

 

[katica]

HI Jenni!
I am so jealous you got to spend the whole summer there! We were only there for two weeks and it was amazing! And yes, there were jewellery stores everywhere!

 

[BlueSki231]

welcome!!

I know I can relate in a way.. i too heard the "soon" word around june/july. He said the ring/proposal was at the front of his mind now that all the house was purchased and he was moved in.

Well HELLO it''s now mid-November..!!

I better be getting some kind of extravagant poposal if it''s taken 5 months to plan haha!!

Who knows what''s going on in their brains

 

[katica]

Date: 11/14/2008 11:26:01 PM
Author: Namaste
welcome!!

I know I can relate in a way.. i too heard the ''soon'' word around june/july. He said the ring/proposal was at the front of his mind now that all the house was purchased and he was moved in.

Well HELLO it''s now mid-November..!!

I better be getting some kind of extravagant poposal if it''s taken 5 months to plan haha!!

Who knows what''s going on in their brains

So we were both told "soon" back in June/July!! Although it made me feel so good at the time I wish he hadn''t said that because it just got my hopes up and now I''m disappointed. I hope this isn''t the case for you, but the disappointment is affecting my relationship with him. I find myself caring less somehow. Not less about him, but less about the relationship. And the worst thing is I''m no longer excited about the proposal. This is so horrible..

I wish guys weren''t so clueless when it came to stuff like this.

 

[BlueSki231]

Yup it had to have been late june/early july.. and our 2yr anniversary was july 20... so naturally I got my hopes up for an anniversary proposal, but it never happened.

I know what you mean about the caring less type thing. I think it''s almost like a defense mechanism that uncontrollably goes up as a way of preventing yourself from getting hurt/disappointed. You''re trying to convince yourself you''re not really excited about the proposal anyways cause your hopes/expectations have already been crushed. (If that makes any sense..)

I went thru that phase about a month ago actually. I snapped out of it somehow.. wish i could tell you how, but I dunno! just happened! I still have my moments tho

Right now I just try and enjoy our time together. I know that it will happen exactly when it''s supposed to happen so I''m trying to be patient.
I know when he does propose I will be laughing at myself at how antsy and irrational I was and that every little crazy clueless boy thing he ever said will be instantly forgotten when he''s down on one knee!

 

[katica]

Namaste,
That must have been tough, being disappointed on your anniversary.. we just had our 1.5 year anniversary. i wasn''t expecting the proposal, but I wish he had remembered it at all.. but his take is that no one celebrates the half years. Is that true? I don''t know.. since it''s early in the relationship I would have thought that it was special. I hate comparing him but with my ex we celebrated the 1.5 year mark.
I''m glad you snapped out of your funk. I agree with you that it''s a defense mechanism. I''ve made it clear what I want and now all the power is in his hands. I want some of it back. It''s hard because I''m in the dark. We are not one of those couples that plans to design/pick out the ring together so I''m pretty much out of the loop and other than a vague timeline I don''t know what he''s planning. For me it''s also tough because we live together. On some level I feel like I''m giving too much, always here for him, etc. I wish I could just go back to enjoying the relationship for what it was but ever since he said that stupid word "soon" it went from having fun just being together to expecting the proposal at any time.
I hope you''ll see him down on that knee sooner rather than later!!

 

[katica]

By the way, we were on the phone the other day and I asked him if he at least knew anything about picking diamonds. He said yes he does. I said so what do you know about colour? Him: "clear is better than yellowish" OK.. then I said "you know it''s graded by letters of the alphabet. Him: "yeah they go from A to Z". Now, I don''t know if he''s really clueless and hasn''t bothered to go and look at all, or if he''s just playing stupid. He''s a pretty funny guy and likes to trick me so hopefully he was playing dumb. Otherwise

it means he hasn''t talked to anyone or done any research.

I so wish we had that conversation in person so I can see his face. I can''t tell whether he was joking on the phone!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/15/2008 1:59:20 AM
Author: katica
By the way, we were on the phone the other day and I asked him if he at least knew anything about picking diamonds. He said yes he does. I said so what do you know about colour? Him: 'clear is better than yellowish' OK.. then I said 'you know it's graded by letters of the alphabet. Him: 'yeah they go from A to Z'. Now, I don't know if he's really clueless and hasn't bothered to go and look at all, or if he's just playing stupid. He's a pretty funny guy and likes to trick me so hopefully he was playing dumb. Otherwise

it means he hasn't talked to anyone or done any research.

I so wish we had that conversation in person so I can see his face. I can't tell whether he was joking on the phone!!!

One thing you might want to clarify with him before it's too late is that asking a salesperson at a mall store a couple of questions about diamonds is NOT THE SAME as doing advanced research from an unbiased source that does not sell diamonds (such as Pricescope). Many gents think they can pick a store, ask "How big can I get for $X and have it still look not yellow?" and then buy something then and there based on the salesperson's answer. Please direct him in a not-so-subtle manner here to PS (specifically to RockyTalky) in order to get the most for his money and not get royally ripped off. There are people here who have paid double or MORE what their ring/diamond was worth. He needs to be educated!

My first thought was that maybe he's been working really hard to try to earn some extra money to put towards a ring. Either way, it could be a good thing that he hasn't bought anything yet if you aren't sure how much real research he's done. This is a big purchase, and I'm sure he wants it to be the best he can afford. Send him our way; we'll steer him in the right direction.

 

[katica]

Gwendolyn,
Thanks, yes I think I may have to do that. But I''m so sick of bringing up the proposal, etc. I bring it up at least once a week, sometimes twice! And I''m starting to feel like a nag. But I will try to direct him here... it sucks that people are getting ripped off so badly.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/15/2008 11:38:33 AM
Author: katica
Gwendolyn,

Thanks, yes I think I may have to do that. But I''m so sick of bringing up the proposal, etc. I bring it up at least once a week, sometimes twice! And I''m starting to feel like a nag. But I will try to direct him here... it sucks that people are getting ripped off so badly.

Honey, I know how you feel about the nag thing--I hate that feeling more than almost anything else! Maybe preface it with something like, "Look, sweetie, I really don''t want to nag you but once I tell you this, I won''t bring up the subject again. Lots of guys end up paying twice as much when they buy diamonds, and since you work so hard for your money (of course, who doesn''t?), I don''t want you to throw it away. This website has lots of experts who can make sure you get the most for your money. Please check it out." And then don''t speak of it again.

 

[katica]

Update!
So he came home from work this evening - and after having taken his mom shopping. Apparently his grandparents called from overseas and had asked his mom when we''re planning to get married and to get married soon so we can have a second ceremony with them overseas. And my SO told his mom that yes we plan to marry soon! I didn''t want to ask him what "soon" meant even though I guess I should have... DUH now I feel stupid for missing that opportunity. After that I feel a little better. But I did confirm that he wasn''t playing stupid when he said he didn''t know about colour grades. He said he''s looked at rings but hasn''t done research on all those specifics. I told him he needs to do his research independently (not just asking the salespeople) so he doesn''t get ripped off. Now that his mom knows he wants to marry me maybe she''ll "help" with the cause. She really likes me and we get along great!!
I''m not getting my hopes up but at least I was cheered up a little.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/15/2008 10:36:58 PM
Author: katica
Update!

So he came home from work this evening - and after having taken his mom shopping. Apparently his grandparents called from overseas and had asked his mom when we''re planning to get married and to get married soon so we can have a second ceremony with them overseas. And my SO told his mom that yes we plan to marry soon! I didn''t want to ask him what ''soon'' meant even though I guess I should have... DUH now I feel stupid for missing that opportunity. After that I feel a little better. But I did confirm that he wasn''t playing stupid when he said he didn''t know about colour grades. He said he''s looked at rings but hasn''t done research on all those specifics. I told him he needs to do his research independently (not just asking the salespeople) so he doesn''t get ripped off. Now that his mom knows he wants to marry me maybe she''ll ''help'' with the cause. She really likes me and we get along great!!

I''m not getting my hopes up but at least I was cheered up a little.

Well this is good news!! At least you know it''s definitely on his mind! But still no idea on what "soon" means haha

Definitely listen to gwendolyn and kindly tell him to make his way to PS. Maybe just email him the link.. and tell him you want him to be informed so he doesn''t get ripped off

For some reason guys don''t have the same sense of urgency as we do (at least my guy and your guy!)

Hang in there! I''m glad you were cheered up a little!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/15/2008 10:36:58 PM
Author: katica
Update!

So he came home from work this evening - and after having taken his mom shopping. Apparently his grandparents called from overseas and had asked his mom when we''re planning to get married and to get married soon so we can have a second ceremony with them overseas. And my SO told his mom that yes we plan to marry soon! I didn''t want to ask him what ''soon'' meant even though I guess I should have... DUH now I feel stupid for missing that opportunity. After that I feel a little better. But I did confirm that he wasn''t playing stupid when he said he didn''t know about colour grades. He said he''s looked at rings but hasn''t done research on all those specifics. I told him he needs to do his research independently (not just asking the salespeople) so he doesn''t get ripped off. Now that his mom knows he wants to marry me maybe she''ll ''help'' with the cause. She really likes me and we get along great!!

I''m not getting my hopes up but at least I was cheered up a little.

That''s great, hon!!

Now send him to us.

 

[katica]

So,... quick update. Still no proposal and other than this one Sunday morning he didn''t look at any ring related information, at least not on our home computer. So I asked him about when he''s planning to do research and he told me he doesn''t feel like he needs to because he personally knows a jeweller he''s going to use and he trusts this guy so much

I don''t know if that''s a good thing or a bad thing. Anyways things were fine a couple weeks since I vented here but now I''m getting impatient and annoyed again. Well he did tell me he''s asked a cake maker he knows to do our wedding cake when the time comes but my pessimist side says that''s just talk. Ugggh... and we were out for dinner last weekend with some friends and one of the married guys made a comment to us and another couple that we should get married and start having kids. And my boyfriend just kind of said "when we''re ready" and left it at that. Maybe he doesn''t like nosiness in people but his reaction turned me off.. so I''m still waiting waiting waiting..
Best of luck to everyone else!