Newborn vs. Toddler stage -which is harder? REPRISE

[nfowife]

It goes by so quickly. Each kid is different, and each stage has it's challenges and things I love. I am not a huge newborn fan, but since I am on my 3rd baby, I knew that going into it and knew it would pass by quickly so I just suckered up and made it through. Now my youngest is almost 6 months and she is such a joy, so happy and smiley and easy (my other 2 were NOT easy!). Maybe she'll continue to be this way or maybe she'll be a nightmare as a 2 year old, who knows. I try to just enjoy each stage and kid for what they are and know that with each age the things I love and hate will pass quickly and then we will be onto new challenges .

My friends and I do say, however, that whoever coined the term "terrible twos" hadn't yet gotten to the threes or fours .

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I found months 2-7 to be the most challenging. A had reflux and colic and didn't get the hang of sleeping at night until he was about 7 months. And so far so good at this point.

 

[Laila619]

T minus 23ish weeks until hell on earth...

It's not that bad, honestly! Having a supportive SO who helps makes a big difference!

 

[FrekeChild]

T minus 23ish weeks until hell on earth...

Seriously, Freke! I'm scared! Hold me!!

It is over so fast, don't worry. Six months is a blip on the radar.

And there are fun things about being home with a newborn. For example, you are not working and as long as you give yourself permission to not do any housework or anything, and have no expectations of yourself (like personal hygein and stuff) then it is nice to just go with the flow day to day without any real demands. Newborns are an all day job, but its a simple job -- feed, change, repeat. Leaves lots of mental room for People magazine, Pricescope, bad TV shows. Rent videos and watch lots of TV series you like. Sleep when you can. Try to get out of the house every day -- walks with the baby in a carrier or stroller. I really did not mind the slow pace of life in those first six months.

And keep in mind it gets better and you will survive

Well, except that I don't have any maternity leave (my office does not offer a benefit package, so I don't get ANY paid leave) and I am the breadwinner. I plan on maybe taking off about 3 weeks, and then working from home at least part time. Luckily since my husband is a PhD student and instructor, he'll have a whole month off from teaching and can do his other job at home. That's mid December to mid January luckily, so hopefully I'll be able to go back to work part time when he's off. When he goes back to work, he teaches two days a week, so I'll be able to work at the office 3 days a week and from home the other two days that he's teaching, which will save a TON in childcare costs. And luckily as long as D's sister is unemployed, we have a ready and willing FREE babysitter. But still. It's not fun to think about.

So not only am I worried about no sleep, a huge upheaval in schedules and taking care of a small person that cries all of the time...but I'm terrified of our financial situation.


Elle, it's you and me babe! We'll get through it together! But I swear if you pop before I do, I'm coming for blood!

 

[lliang_chi]

Wow Freke, congrats! I'm so happy for you.

~LC

 

[KimberlyH]

Call me Pollyanna but at 15 months there hasn't been a bad stage yet. Every one presents a few challenges and a myriad of joy and fun that make those challenges non-issues.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Freke, well that all sucks. But you will survive, and the adage is still true no matter what -- time will fly by.

 

[Jennifer W]

For me, the only really horrible time has been three years, three weeks and two days (my lovely child has been replaced by a monster today...)

 

[Jennifer W]

For me, the only really horrible time has been three years, three weeks and two days (my lovely child has been replaced by a monster today...)

 

[Skippy123]

I found months 2-7 to be the most challenging. A had reflux and colic and didn't get the hang of sleeping at night until he was about 7 months. And so far so good at this point.

Yay!!!

 

[Skippy123]

Freke, well that all sucks. But you will survive, and the adage is still true no matter what -- time will fly by.

This is what I had been telling myself. I notice it gets a bit easier each week! I am still sleep deprived and some days are better than others, ha! but the smiles make it worth it!

Time does fly!!! I look at my boys and can't believe how big they are in just 3 months!!! Here is the proof!

I need to come back to this thread when my boys are toddlers! I am not looking forward to potty training. ha! I am hoping I won't be as sleep deprived as I am now so hopefully that will help give me the energy for that stage!

 

[ChinaCat]

Oh my Skippy, those pictures are adorable! Look at their sweet faces.

Not sure if I ever answered, but now that O is 2 I have better perspective. And I still say newborn was harder *for me*.

First two weeks were hell. I need sleep. O started STTN at 8 weeks, but I don't think I felt unmiserable till 3 months. Then I felt almost normal at 6 months. By 8 months I loved it.

12 months to about 22 months was just awesome. I loved 99% of it.

O didn't start any terrible two-ness until 22 months, though I know for some it starts at 18 months.

The temper tantrums are unbelievable, after having a sweet baby! BUT I can totally handle them, they don't stress me out like having a newborn did. It's frustrating in a different way, but it's more manageable to me.

For some reason, the newborn scream/cry sent me over the edge. Partly b/c I didn't know what was wrong, partly b/c I was so sleep deprived, and partly because he didn't really have a personality yet and he'd stare at me with those beady eyes and I was sure he meant to kill me.

Now when he throws a tantrum, I know why, I know he's okay just mad, and I have this amazing connection with him as a person/baby that lets me love him and discipline him at the same time.

I love the increasing independence of a toddler, love watching his mind work and develop, love hearing him talk and mimic us, love seeing him develop likes and dislikes, love everything about him.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I'm going to change my answer and say the hardest age of all is the first month with a second newborn and a 2.5 year old Our older son was a breeze to manage when we were well rested and had all our mental resources. Add sleep deprivation and the fact that we live together as single parents -- me of the newborn and DH of the toddler -- and it is challenging to say the least. I think it is getting a little better since I started cosleeping with Ryder and we figured out Hunter's sleep issues, but it is still a mighty handful. Daily repetitions of "Time flies!" are a must.

 

[Sha]

Interesting article on Huffington Post Parents today... "It Really Is As Bad as Everyone Says...the First 12 Weeks"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-kash/12-weeks-in-hell_b_885943.html

I share the author's view that nobody ever seems to tell you how hard the first few months (Year?) are going to be. It was a shock to me, honestly...I remember thinking, "I had no idea this would be SO HARD....why does everyone rave on about parenting? It's exhausting..." That started to change slowly after 4 months, then incrementally onwards for the first year, up to now. Now, it's still exhausting, but so much more rewarding! I wish people had warned me before, so that I didn't feel like so guilty about feeling the way I did then. I hope this thread helps to reassure the PS moms at least, that they're not alone, and that it does get easier with time.

Dreamer - I can only imagine how hard it must be with a toddler AND newborn! But yes, it does pass quickly.

I kind of wish that I could go back to D's newborn days and appreciate them with the eyes (and the energy) that I have now. I really couldn't appreciate the experience then - it was all too surreal and new, and I was too sleep-deprived and focused on my own survival. I think if I had a #2, I would appreciate it a bit more... but it's easier to say that now, I guess, with my well-rested self. When you're in the trenches, it's a totally different ballgame.

Skippy - those photos are so sweet!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Interesting article on Huffington Post Parents today... "It Really Is As Bad as Everyone Says...the First 12 Weeks"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-kash/12-weeks-in-hell_b_885943.html

I share the author's view that nobody ever seems to tell you how hard the first few months (Year?) are going to be. It was a shock to me, honestly...I remember thinking, "I had no idea this would be SO HARD....why does everyone rave on about parenting? It's exhausting..." That started to change slowly after 4 months, then incrementally onwards for the first year, up to now. Now, it's still exhausting, but so much more rewarding! I wish people had warned me before, so that I didn't feel like so guilty about feeling the way I did then. I hope this thread helps to reassure the PS moms at least, that they're not alone, and that it does get easier with time.

Dreamer - I can only imagine how hard it must be with a toddler AND newborn! But yes, it does pass quickly.

I kind of wish that I could go back to D's newborn days and appreciate them with the eyes (and the energy) that I have now. I really couldn't appreciate the experience then - it was all too surreal and new, and I was too sleep-deprived and focused on my own survival. I think if I had a #2, I would appreciate it a bit more... but it's easier to say that now, I guess, with my well-rested self. When you're in the trenches, it's a totally different ballgame.

Skippy - those photos are so sweet!

Sha a newborn is so much easier the second time, at least for me. I find him a breeze, with a few small new experiences I am trying to work out and figure out. The bigger challenge by far is the toddler, and trying to give him the energy he needs. So far I am not succeeding in that balance at all, but it will get better. I too wish I could go back and enjoy Hunter as a newborn the way I am able to enjoy Ryder now. I am so much more laid back and relaxed about it all!

 

[Skippy123]

I share the author's view that nobody ever seems to tell you how hard the first few months (Year?) are going to be. It was a shock to me, honestly...I remember thinking, "I had no idea this would be SO HARD....why does everyone rave on about parenting? It's exhausting..." That started to change slowly after 4 months, then incrementally onwards for the first year, up to now. Now, it's still exhausting, but so much more rewarding! I wish people had warned me before, so that I didn't feel like so guilty about feeling the way I did then. I hope this thread helps to reassure the PS moms at least, that they're not alone, and that it does get easier with time.

Dreamer - I can only imagine how hard it must be with a toddler AND newborn! But yes, it does pass quickly.

I kind of wish that I could go back to D's newborn days and appreciate them with the eyes (and the energy) that I have now. I really couldn't appreciate the experience then - it was all too surreal and new, and I was too sleep-deprived and focused on my own survival. I think if I had a #2, I would appreciate it a bit more... but it's easier to say that now, I guess, with my well-rested self. When you're in the trenches, it's a totally different ballgame.

Skippy - those photos are so sweet!

Sha, that is soooo true!!! It is nice to hear your thoughts!! I NEVER EVER heard how tiring it was! I always heard "you need to have one; it is the best thing Ever!" haha! Then when I was preggo people would say, "hahaha, you are NEVER Going to sleep!" I would think, "geez, now you warn me?!?!"

Honestly it is great, minus being sleep deprived! It helps BIG time for my hubby and I to have a routine. thanks about my son Miles; I forgot to post Evans pic. It DOES get easier but the first few weeks were tough!!! Also, I think the part that makes it hard to appreciate our little ones in that moment is being soooo dang sleep deprived!! I am glad you and ChinaCat posted. It is nice to hear some honesty like in that article and the moms in this thread. I wonder why more people aren't honest!?!?! It made me feel better when people would say "you aren't alone," somehow that made it easier! If they hadn't said that then I would think, "what the heck is wrong with me, I must be doing things wrong!" lol

I thought one baby was tough until we brought home the second twin! haha! I honestly will say I would do it again. I look at their sweet faces and my heart beams like all of you mommas!

DREAMER, I believe it that a toddler and newborn are tough. My sister told me it is tough (she went through that just recently). I also think having two newborns (twins) is tough too! Or a colicky newborn, or one that doesn't sleep, oh boy!! I CANNOT even fathom triplets! lol I saw a NICU mom with triplets and couldn't imagine!

When do they start sleeping more?? Just curious.

Thanks Chinacat and Sha!!! I love your avatar ChinaCat!!! Oh and the beady eye part cracked me up! The smiles DO make things worth it!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Skippy I don't know what they start sleeping more Have you thought of cosleeping with the babies?? It works well for us and I get more sleep. I BF though so it may be a little different, not sure. But girl I cannot even imagine twins. You are my hero. Just go easy on your self and do not make any plans. Honestly, I rarely leave the house. And I don't mind! Takes some pressure off. I watch a lot of TV and hang out on PS when I can. It slowly goes get better by two months and by three it is a different world. But it is enhausting. I get through by having NO expectations of myself. I don't make plans, or have chores, or anything. My entire existence is basically nursing and soothing and caring for my newborn, and caring for myself.

 

[Skippy123]

Skippy I don't know what they start sleeping more Have you thought of cosleeping with the babies?? It works well for us and I get more sleep. I BF though so it may be a little different, not sure. But girl I cannot even imagine twins. You are my hero. Just go easy on your self and do not make any plans. Honestly, I rarely leave the house. And I don't mind! Takes some pressure off. I watch a lot of TV and hang out on PS when I can. It slowly goes get better by two months and by three it is a different world. But it is enhausting. I get through by having NO expectations of myself. I don't make plans, or have chores, or anything. My entire existence is basically nursing and soothing and caring for my newborn, and caring for myself.

I would take both of them to bed with me but Evan is still on oxygen and a heart rate monitor; after he is off it, then I will. hehe

thanks for your sweet words Dreamer, that made me smile!!! In the beginning when I gave up fighting the idea of not doing stuff then I was zen. I do think it helps take the pressure off of you. I still wish I could sleep but I know that will come with time! You are doing a great job w/2!!! Kudos to you momma!

 

[ChinaCat]

Aw Skippy thanks. The avatar picture is from when he was 6 months old and he'll be 2 this month.

As for sleeping- who knows, all babies are different. But I agree, by about 3 months it will be easier. Not easy, but easier. I think O woke up to eat every 3 hours until about a month? Then slowly started stretching it out. But of course twins and preemies are so different. I got through it by thinking, one more week. I can do this for one more week. And just when you think you can't take one more night, they start changing. Twins seem so hard to me, but then I think about how sweet and awesome it is to have two, and how lucky they are to have each other.

As for the honesty, I have no idea why women think they need to sugarcoat it. Partly I think it's because they feel guilty not saying it's the most wonderful thing ever. Partly I think it's kind of like when someone asks how your day is, you don't really answer truthfully, you just say, great thanks. I have no idea. I am pretty honest if anyone asks me and really wants to know. I would have been super depressed if I didn't have people telling me they felt the same way because I was miserable for the first month. It helps to know that it's NORMAL to not think every single minute with a newborn is bliss.

 

[Pandora II]

Just thought I'd do a mini-update. Daisy is now nearly 27 months and we seem to be coming out of the worst of the terrible twos. The tantrums are now a couple a week rather than a couple an hour and she can be talked out of them more easily.

She still won't hold my hand without major threats and yelling every single time - and living in London without a car hand-holding is a constant requirement - but she's starting to understand negative consequences so it should begin to get easier. TGal is totally correct that they need to be a bit older to 'get' that disobedience = x, y or z and the time before they get that is REALLY, REALLY tough.

I always believed the whole 'being consistent is key' and 'my child just won't be allowed to do x, y and z' but if you have one that is going to test you then you can really find yourself screwed. You can try and persuade, negotiate, bribe, threaten, yell, cry (pretending to cry is very effective if you don't use it too often btw) but if they don't back down then there isn't a damn thing you can do to make them - you just have to pick them up kicking and screaming. It really does feel awful at the time - you know people think that you are a bad parent and that your child is difficult because you obviously don't discipline consistently or from an early enough age (endlessly suggested to me and quite untrue), you hate yourself because all you do is yell, nag, get frustrated and not enjoy being with your child and it feels like it will never ever end and what the heck will they be like at 14!

The running away in shops/museums etc is also getting better - I've also learnt to trust her to come back and so I'm not instantly panicky and cross. I don't like her getting out of view so the 'Mommy I'm Here' tracking system I use is wonderful. She has also learnt that she has to come and find me when the alarm on it sounds.

I'm hoping that by Christmas I'll have a little girl who is a pleasure to be with 90% of the time rather than the other way round - it's definitely going in the right direction.

 

[Sha]

Dreamer - that's good to know!

Skippy - I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how you twin mamas do it! It's hard enough to be a mom of one newborn...I'm sure it must be hard x 2 to be a twin mom...so major Kudos to you!

Re: sleeping - D only started sleeping 4 + hour stretches at 6 months, when we did CC/CIO (crying it out). She was a really irregular sleeper from the beginning. I hope your twins are better!

Pandora - it's good to hear things are getting better!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have honestly found besharing a savior, and letting my son sleep on his tummy in his cot right next to me. I actually sleep through most of the night. I don't want to bedshare long term, but we will likely do it for about 6 months, unless things change before then. Ryder sleeps in the PNP in the living room until we all go to bed around 10:30, then I nurse him to sleep and let him sleep in the cosleeper, then when he wakes at 2:30 or so I bring him in bed with me and latch him on and fall back to sleep! Then around 4:30 perhaps he wakes again and I latch him then I might put him back in the cosleeper when he is asleep again. He wakes regularly in the wee hours, so I bring him back in bed with me around 5:30, and basically nap/sleep and rouse to relatch him regularly. But basically I am getting a very good night's sleep for someone with a 6 week old. I think I spendabout 30 minutes awake each night total? Heaven. It takes getting used to, but boy it makes like easier. So that is my suggestion to try and solve the no sleep thing, if you can swing it!

 

[Pandora II]

I have honestly found besharing a savior, and letting my son sleep on his tummy in his cot right next to me. I actually sleep through most of the night. I don't want to bedshare long term, but we will likely do it for about 6 months, unless things change before then. Ryder sleeps in the PNP in the living room until we all go to bed around 10:30, then I nurse him to sleep and let him sleep in the cosleeper, then when he wakes at 2:30 or so I bring him in bed with me and latch him on and fall back to sleep! Then around 4:30 perhaps he wakes again and I latch him then I might put him back in the cosleeper when he is asleep again. He wakes regularly in the wee hours, so I bring him back in bed with me around 5:30, and basically nap/sleep and rouse to relatch him regularly. But basically I am getting a very good night's sleep for someone with a 6 week old. I think I spendabout 30 minutes awake each night total? Heaven. It takes getting used to, but boy it makes like easier. So that is my suggestion to try and solve the no sleep thing, if you can swing it!

Dreamer, I'm so glad it's working for you! It's a bit of a suprise how much sleep you actually get after the first couple of nights (where it feels odd and you panic you'll squish them).

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have honestly found besharing a savior, and letting my son sleep on his tummy in his cot right next to me. I actually sleep through most of the night. I don't want to bedshare long term, but we will likely do it for about 6 months, unless things change before then. Ryder sleeps in the PNP in the living room until we all go to bed around 10:30, then I nurse him to sleep and let him sleep in the cosleeper, then when he wakes at 2:30 or so I bring him in bed with me and latch him on and fall back to sleep! Then around 4:30 perhaps he wakes again and I latch him then I might put him back in the cosleeper when he is asleep again. He wakes regularly in the wee hours, so I bring him back in bed with me around 5:30, and basically nap/sleep and rouse to relatch him regularly. But basically I am getting a very good night's sleep for someone with a 6 week old. I think I spendabout 30 minutes awake each night total? Heaven. It takes getting used to, but boy it makes like easier. So that is my suggestion to try and solve the no sleep thing, if you can swing it!

Dreamer, I'm so glad it's working for you! It's a bit of a suprise how much sleep you actually get after the first couple of nights (where it feels odd and you panic you'll squish them).

Yes, it did take some getting used to. Last night he was up every hour the little pooper, but at least it only took about 5 minutes to wort it out, rather than 20-30 it might have taken if we were not cosleeping. I also feel better about it because the last couple night he has started rolling onto his back after nursing, so I am able to scooch away from him and he is in a safer sleeping position.

 

[Skippy123]

Skippy - I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how you twin mamas do it! It's hard enough to be a mom of one newborn...I'm sure it must be hard x 2 to be a twin mom...so major Kudos to you!

Re: sleeping - D only started sleeping 4 + hour stretches at 6 months, when we did CC/CIO (crying it out). She was a really irregular sleeper from the beginning. I hope your twins are better!

Sha, thank you!!! Sorry I just saw this! 2 is tougher; I brought one home for a month and then the second a month later and there is a difference!!! lol Now the babies are sleeping more. I think in a couple of months we might go for the CIO too. They are actually sleeping longer stretches so I might not even have to go to the CIO. I do have friends trying to get me to read Baby Wise and some other book, I can't remember the name.

Wow, at 4 months! Mine sleeps 5 hour stretches at 5 months (they are really like 3 months though since they were born 10 weeks early)

 

[Lottie]

I think the first six months for any new mum is the hardest, no sleep, no idea what to do and as DreamerD perfectly summed it up earlier in this thread everything is a catastophe! I was so worried about Neve going into her own room at four months that I bought a sleep alarm that would sound if she stopped breathing.......or if she rolled off it as I found out one evening, I am pretty sure that had my launch up the stairs been filmed, I would actually have made it onto the news as the first flying human.

Neve has been a breezy toddler and I have loved (almost!) every minute of everything after six months but when we had Henry and Neve was 2.5 it was hard. Henry has been a really easygoing baby, he was two weeks overdue and huge which was meant he came into the world happy to go four hours between feeds - I rang the hospital on the first night home because he had been asleep for five hours and she very nicely told me to put the phone down and go back to sleep, however Neve was silently furious, she used to alternate between sitting on the sofa and glaring at me and clinging tearfully to my leg and telling me to "just put that baby down over there".

I think my perfect stage is this one though. Neve is a little over 3.5 and Henry is 13 months and its lovely, They both get up at 7.30 and are bed at night by 6.30 and they get on really well most of the time (I do catch Neve feeding Henry the bits she doesn't want at mealtimes though!). I think every stage has its good and bad bits but I definately think that the first few months with the first baby are the hardest of all.

Sorry if I waffled on a bit - I couldn't stop when I started!

 

[beesha77]

I think all stages have their parts that suck. Lol! My first was a pretty easy baby, though no one can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. I thought it was tiring then. Then when ds #1 was 2 1/2 I gave birth to twins and THAT was called barely surviving. And I mean an hour of sleep a night, not a consecutive 60 minutes either! It was pure hell! I would not wish that on my worst enemy. But so far the age of 3 has been my least favorite. It's just tantrums and whining and discipline. It's just tough. I love the newborn stage outside the sleep deprivation. But even that isn't bad if they just eat and go back to sleep. But the twins took forever to get to that stage and I would nurse them and have to rock, lull etc them back to sleep. But I think my favorite is the right around 15 month stage where they're starting to talk and they have personality etc. It's so fun! So I'd say wpin general the toddler stage is harder in some ways.

 

[beesha77]

Skippy I just saw that you have new twins! Congrats! I have twin boys as well! I have 3 boys actually. A 7 yearold and now two 5-year olds! It does get easier promise! And I don't think people understand the dynamics of twins and taking care of them unless they've been there. It is a totally different ball game! I was lucky and didn't have mine early so you probably have a different set of challenges than I had! Hang in there! The first 4 months or so were a complete blur and really I was just in survival mode! I remember the first time when the twins took a nap at the same time as my oldest and it was like the gates of heaven opened because I could finally take a nap too!!

 

[Skippy123]

Skippy I just saw that you have new twins! Congrats! I have twin boys as well! I have 3 boys actually. A 7 yearold and now two 5-year olds! It does get easier promise! And I don't think people understand the dynamics of twins and taking care of them unless they've been there. It is a totally different ball game! I was lucky and didn't have mine early so you probably have a different set of challenges than I had! Hang in there! The first 4 months or so were a complete blur and really I was just in survival mode! I remember the first time when the twins took a nap at the same time as my oldest and it was like the gates of heaven opened because I could finally take a nap too!!

I bet it is hard with twins and an toddler, wow! I honestly can't imagine!!! It is getting easier. I just can't wait till they sleep through the night; I probably sound like a broken record saying that. Some nights are better than others. I agree, we are in survival mode. I have to laugh when people say well you don't have newborns or yours are now a bit older, etc. I agree twins are a whole different ball game and until you have experienced it then you can't exactly understand. Like I can't understand a toddler and a newborn or twins and a toddler, etc. I did help my sister out with her newborn and her 3 year old but yet I was not there 24/7 so I really can't understand. I do agree preemies do have their own challenges and that some moms don't understand that either. I do feel blessed overall w/my babies and they are doing great so I can't complain. Oh gosh, I bet that was wonderful having everyone on the same nap schedule!!! I can't wait for that to happen for us; when they were newborns they would nap at the same time but now, it doesn't work that way. lol Yay for having a 7 yr old and 5 year olds now! I bet having go off to school helps? I would love to hear more about your twins!!!! Congrats to you for a fantastic job you have done w/yours. I never knew you had twins; I might page you some time if that is okay!!!

 

[beesha77]

Skippy--anytime!! I'll have to get a pic of them and post it here when they were born and what they look like now. They were born at 38 weeks...induced even! AGH! They liked it in there! I am fairly new here, i was just going through the "seeing the faces behind the ps members" thread, posted mine, and saw you, you are adorable! I'll be back with pics of the boys later.