NICU mamas, tips for how to support a friend?

[Bella_mezzo]

My former associate and good friend just had her baby, but there are some complications and they will likely be in the NICU for the next week or so (I don't know all the details yet, she texted me from the delivery room so the info I have is brief and I don't know details about the baby's health/medical status).

Anyway, I don't want to be one of those friends who adds to the stress but I also want her to know that I am thinking about her and her sweet new baby.

NICU mamas-Any tips from when you went through those stressful first few weeks? What do you wish that your friends would have done?

 

[Kunzite]

Everyone is different so that's hard. I think just telling her what you just wrote, that you're thinking about her and her new baby would be a great start. Give her a sincere offer to help in any way possible and let her guide you. Having a LO in the NICU and recovering from birth is all consuming. The only thing that would have been helpful to me in the beginning was if a friend wanted to help make sure the cats were fed Everything else could wait or be ignored. She'll appreciate knowing that you're thinking about her.

Dust to your friend and LO!! I hope it's a short stay.

 

[pavelover]

I agree it's hard to say as each person is different. I guess it depends how close you are and how close in proximity you are to her house. A ready to go meal might be nice so they don't have to think about what they will eat for a day or a couple of meals. if she felt comfortable maybe help with laundry etc around the house would be helpful? I remember just pumping like mad, going to the hospital, coming home and falling into bed. Just trying to get used to washing the bottles and pump parts was quite a job!
Hope your friend's baby does super and they are out of there lickety split!

 

[Puppmom]

Bella, you're such a nice friend! My friend's son was in the NICU for 7 days last year and the thing that she really appreciated the most is that we watched her older child to give them (more her DH really since she was in the hospital for 5 of the 7 days) a break. I don't know if your friend has other children but entertaining them for a bit could be nice. We also had her husband over for dinner twice. The poor guy was so stressed out. His wife and newborn were in the hospital and he was feeling so helpless. He was unable to spend a lot of time at the hospital because he obviously had to care for their older child.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

someone to be there to listen to whatever she needs to talk about, has concerns about, or has to vent without asking a bunch of questions. My daughter spent a couple days in NICU, and some people asked a ton of questions (ie when can we see her? when will she be discharged? what happened? is she gonna be okay? etc) which can add to the stress of everything- especially when the parents dont have answers. Other than that, making a meal is always nice too. Sounds like you are a wonderful friend and im sure that is what she could use right now. Hope your friends child has a short stay in NICU.

 

[Munchkin]

Was the baby a preemie or small in addition to the complications? I ask because we had a house full of size 1 diapers and 0-3 mos clothes. Our little guy was way too small for those items. Neither the special clothes nor the winter fleece suit we had purchased to bring him home in worked.

It was super touching when people dropped off preemie clothes and newborn sized diapers! (I personally found pampers newborn size worked better than huggies preemie size, and are much easier to find.)

It sounds silly, but it was nice to have options to dress our little guy in. He had so many appointments after discharge and we were too tired to do much laundry.

For the record, in the US:
preemie size: some brands are up to 17", others are up to 19" and up to 5lbs
newborn size: up to 21" and usually 5-8lbs
0-3 mos size: up to 24" and 8-12.5lbs

Also, buy preemie hats! All the cute newborn hats we had to prevent heat loss were WAY too big. We didn't even feel safe keeping them on him while sleeping.

Other than that, make meals that can be frozen and require no clean up. (A family member was VERY sweet and came over and cooked us dinner, but then we had a kitchen to clean. In the long run, not super helpful!)

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thank you all so much! it was really helpful to hear your perspectives!

I got another update from her today and things are improving, although still in the NICU.

Her little girl was full term and delivery was just fine, but due to an extremely rare complication the baby was deprived of oxygen for a short time. She had to have aggressive measures taken immediately after delivery as well as in the NICU and they are still evaluating the possibility of lasting brain damage, though the prognosis is improving every day.

I let her know that I was thinking of her, and that I'm here for her if she needs anything, and will reiterate that in emails every week or so but am giving her space as well since she is extraordinarily busy trying to coordinate her daughter's medical care and adjust to being a mother right now.

I am also going to send a note with flowers and a gift card for a take out place near her house for mother's day/congrats on the baby's arrival. Since they are mostly at the hospital and their kitchen/fridge is literally the size of a postage stamp (we live in NYC I don't think I should take a meal over...

 

[Munchkin]

I would do a gift card and a photo of flowers.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it took me weeks to throw out/clean up all the dead flower arrangements post baby. There were so many other things to clean and do and stress whilst recovering from a traumatic childbirth, I literally didn't have the energy to dispose of dead flower arrangements. (Post partum much? )

I would literally send a pic of flowers with a note that you didn't want her to have even one more thing to clean up after. I bet it will make her smile.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

great idea Munchkin

 

[Skippy123]

I would offer to bring over a meal. My boys were born almost 10 weeks early and the meals people brought over were super helpful and we appreciated it; or maybe a gift certificate to some place that does take away? You are very thoughtful and I bet she will appreciate your kind words.

 

[parrot tulips]

Ditto Skippy. My baby was about 10 weeks early also, and having food we could heat up, without thinking about what to make, where to eat, or going to the grocery store when we were exhausted (both physically and mentally), was so incredibly helpful.

ETA - You sound like a wonderful friend, and I'm sure your friend appreciates your kindness and thoughtfulness very much.

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Ditto PT and Skippy. My LO was 7 weeks early and I can remember the biggest challenges being 1. rides to the NICU in the very beginning, 2. clean clothing, blankets, etc. for my daughter to use while there, and 3. FOOD! Seriously, my husband and I would often stay until visiting hours were over, which meant no one felt like cooking or had time to food shop.

Is she breastfeeding? It may be a somewhat odd gesture, but if someone had gifted me an extra set of pumping parts/steam bags/storage bottles/hands-free bra in the first few weeks, I would have been so grateful! With a NICU baby, you have to pump around the clock since your baby isn't near and washing all of those parts nonstop plus the scrub-in at the NICU...well let's just say my normally nice hands were cracked down to blood.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

they are coming home tomorrow!!!!!

 

[Skippy123]

That is great news!