No giddy girls -

[glitterazzi]

Hi ladies, sorry this is so long.

So - I''ve been pretty bummed the past couple of days. I''m that girl without 1 group of friends - but with 4 or 5 bestest friends who aren''t really in each other''s circles. So - I''ve got one BFF in my home town who is pregnant and planning a wedding of her own... impossible to get a hold of but plenty giddy for me when I do talk to her. She''s a therapist - lets just say she''s good at what she does! I''ve got the bff that I NEED here with me right now, but she moved a couple of hours away when she got engaged. She is everything I need right now - just not here with me. My bff in town has been going through a rough time for the past year. She is what''s bumming me out. We''ve always been the friends who planned for the days when we were in love and planning a wedding. She was always dating - just always someone different. I was always single - not even going out on a date. A year ago when my FF and I started seeing each other she was bitter that no one could find any problems with him (like they could with her dates). Then she was bitter that I was happy. Then she was bitter that I found love before she did (she''s 2 years older than me). She is bitter that I own my home and my car is paid off while she''s still renting and making car payments. She finally broke down and told me that she had worked harder for everything in life that I have, and she deserves it all more than I do. Ouch. So - needless to say we kind of drifted apart - our relationship was based entirely off email... When we do have a clear moment and I get to gush to her - I end up getting a lecture about how she''s afraid I''m in too deep and I''m going to get hurt if I really let myself love him. (She dated a guy for 4 years who refused to marry her - but still won''t stop talking to her - so she''s jaded).

Flash forward: She has been slowly coming back to her happy self over the past few months. It''s been come and go and changes in a flash, so I''ve kind of tip toed around my life - and my FF is sick of her bitterness (she''s very passive aggressive toward him) so he''s agreed to try be-friending her again - but has a bad taste in his mouth. She was "in love" with a loser - but I was supporting her in whatever she wanted (although I suspected she was saying she was in love because I was - and she wanted to win). When FF and I first started talking marriage she was waiting for that monthly call we ladies get - I wasn''t allowed to talk about marriage while she was in the middle of a pregnancy scare (but I got to hear all about their marriage and family plans). Once she got her period I wasn''t allowed to talk about marriage because her "love" dumped her because it was too heavy for him (surprise surprise). Today she''s been dating a {seemingly} great guy for a couple of months. (I say seemingly because I''ve seen her once since she started seeing him - and I''ve never met him - they don''t have time). I missed out on all the fun and girl talk of seeing a new guy. The stuff I''m listening to her talk about now - The first date recap - the first kiss talk - etc. etc. I felt gypped - but I played with the cards I was dealt and moved on... My life was kind of like that - I had to skip a lot of the fun "early" stuff and go straight to the real life serious stuff. So I was used to it. I''d always hoped this part of my life would be different - but not this time... maybe with kids... we''ll see. Anyway - I''ve been feeling her out to see if she''s ready to be back to normal and talk about things - everything that''s going on in my life. Prior to now she''s made laughing remarks about my FF and I getting married as if is were a joke - wouldn''t ever really happen. I took offense and left whenever something like that happened - so she know''s how I feel.

Last weekend FF and I went to have my finger sized. He''s chosen a jeweler and a design and is working with them. I so badly want to sit and talk and giggle and be giddy and excited with her - but I don''t know if she will respond - or will be a buzz kill and really piss me off.

I tested her the other day - just gushing about an amazing date we had on the Plaza, and her response was all about her guy - and then "that''s nice". If she''s a buzz kill on the date - she''s going to REALLY be a buzz kill on the up coming proposal!

I feel like I''m keeping secrets from her so I don''t have to deal with her negative drama. I''m now feeling like when the time comes I don''t want her dress shopping with me. 1) I don''t want a buzz kill there that day - 1/2 naked and being scrutinized in a white dress is not when I need added unrelated drama. 2) she can''t see any item of clothing not in terms of herself. Ex:She refuses to wear spaghetti straps - and tells EVERYONE they look bad in them only because she would look bad in them and doesn''t want someone to look better than her in something. I doubt I''ll be getting a strapless gown, or a gown with sleeves and she''s going to drag me down and make me doubt my dress.

Anyway - I know this all seems really bad - and you''re probably thinking "WHY do you call this person a friend!?!" But we do have good times... we have been there for each other when no one else was... We are both resistant to change - and she is fighting tooth and nail to stop this change.

Sorry - this is WWAAYY too long - but I needed to vent. I would vent to FF - but he gets so protective of me and mad that she''s treating me that way and I don''t want to set him against her.

 

[lala2332]

i''m so sorry about your friend not being happy for you. I went through arought time with my best friend over the summer and we still haven''t fixed it, so I know exactly how hard it is. It sucks to keep thingd from people, and your friend is not behaving like a friend should. I think one if the hardest things for women to understand is that maybe there are different types of friends out there for different things. Like a shopping buddy, a workout buddy, your couple friend, a friend to cry to. It sucks that there can''t be one person to fill all catagories, but I think as we get older and busier we need seperate friends...and hopefully that one true friend who is always there when you them.

I guess what I''m trying to say is that this friend can be your friend, but you need to limit what her "friend duties" are in your head. This is not your gushing-talk for hours about everything friend AND she is NOT your wedding dress shopping friend....she needs to be something else to you...at least right now.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Glitterazzi, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Do you have any other friends that you can count on to support you during this time? Any co-workers or members of a club?

I experienced something similar a few months ago. I have a friend that is very competitive and as long as she was the happy one, everything was rosy. She met someone and fell in love. He is a fantastic guy and I was (and I AM) so happy for her. He''s very good-looking and he''s crazy about her. His only flaw? He is a conformist and not at all ambitious. He has an ok paying job and they struggle to make ends meet on a regular basis.

SO and I are in a more comfortable financial situation (SO is an engineer) and it seems to always bother her that we have a house and take great vacations and that I am able to shop and get things without worrying about not being able to make the rent. Friend and her SO got engaged earlier this year. I was thrilled for her and bought her a gift and offered to host one of her showers. She showed off her ring for weeks obnoxiously (and I thought, rightfully so! She''s excited). She later admitted that HER dad had payed for the ring due to her now FI''s financial situation. I doubt she would have admitted this if she wasn''t so frustrated that her dad now refuses to give them any money for the wedding until FI pays him back for the ring!

I really dread sharing my excitement at my upcoming proposal because I know she will be more interested in the financial details than the heart details.

I have found much more solace in my co-workers and friends I have in club activities and I am very thankful for them.

Perhaps, you can seek friendships where you already know people that can share your excitement.

That said (I am long-winded, too!) CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UPCOMING ENGAGEMENT!!!! HOW EXCITING!!! Enjoy your last days as a LIW!

 

[glitterazzi]

Thanks ladies

I see I''m not alone! I''m sorry you guys have gone through it too.

Lala - You are right... we have different friends for different reasons. Just in the past couple of years I began to understand the "friend for a reason, season, or a lifetime" thing. AND - another of my friends has said to me "When someone tells you who they are, LISTEN! She''s telling you that she''s not that for you!". I know - it''s just hard because I AM that for her and I''d like it reciprocated. I just feel the secrets and NON shopping buddy thing causing an even bigger rift between us. Not to mention she''s here - and I want someone live in the flesh... but it is what it is...

WannabeMrsH - Thank you. Yes, I do have other friends to lean on - they are all just out of town. I''ve got a couple of work friends... but we are in different financial situations - and while they may suspect, I don''t think the know the full extent - and I don''t know that they could understand or whether I want them to see me differently because of it. I know that AT the wedding they''ll get a pretty good idea, but in the mean time I''m keeping on the DL. Especially when one of them is planning a wedding right now - very small budget Vegas wedding. I''m helping and having a blast - but I don''t want to make her feel different when this is really her time - I''m still a LIW!!!

Thanks for the congrats! I''m trying to enjoy every minute of the right now... change is coming soon enough - I don''t want to miss a thing!

It''s nice to have someone to talk to- especially someone who understands. Thanks so much ladies!

 

[LGK]

It sounds like your "friend" is pretty toxic and self involved. Sure, sometimes you can have some superficially good times with toxic people when they''re behaving themselves, but if you feel like they don''t have your back for real, I would definitely REALLY limit contact. Like severely. If you aren''t fully ready to drop her as a friend- which would be my choice, honestly- just cut back on the things you''re doing together and talking about. Keep her as a "going out for drinks in a group" friend or whatever niche thing she''s actually fun doing, and realize that she has some serious limitations.

Some people just drift out of our lives, and that''s as it should be. I''d probably start to cut her adrift a bit as you start a process (engagement/wedding) you know she isn''t gonna support you in or be cool with.

Personally, if I don''t totally, implicitly trust someone to be there for me no matter what, and not belittle me because of their own issues, I wouldn''t find their "friendship" worth my time. But, I''m introverted and the friends I do have, I''m really really close to and anyone who does (mis)behave like your friend I drop pretty quick when their true colors show- I''m a bit ruthless that way now, after learning the hard way that it just isn''t worth the effort to try to be friends with that sort of person. (I tend to be the sort who prefers to be by myself rather than with someone who I don''t totally trust to be my friend in all things and all situations.)

Good luck!

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

ditto littlegreykitten.

this is your time to enjoy. you deserve to be happy and excited and you deserve to have the same happiness and excitement emanate from your family and friends. what do you really get from this friendship if she cant be happy for you when she sees that youre happy?

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Glitter-

Oy. Tough situation, but I hope that a little *vent* time helped you work through it a bit more. Every friendship is a little bit different. I have a few relationships that parallel your friendship with this woman: Sometimes they''re good, sometimes they''re bad, but I agree that unless a friend is TRULY toxic, it may be worthwhile to try and maintain a friendship. As you said, she isn''t "for you" what you are "for her"... And friendship shouldn''t be a one-way thing, but sometimes it isn''t perfectly reciporicated... Still, maybe YOU are one of the only people that she has that stands by her? If you''re willing to withstand it, lending an ear/shoulder when she needs it, and holding back on your personal life for a while, may be best. IDK if this helps at all, but I can tell you how I handle my ''friendship'' situations:

Friend from grade school: We''ve been pals since we were kids, but live eons apart and sometimes go months without talking. Our lives are just at very, very different places. Occasionally we call and catch up, but we always know the other person is there when we have a ''rough'' time. We''ve been through it all, so there''s a lot of trust between us. While our similarities have dwindled, she''s the tried-and-true friend I can go to... Hardly ever will she criticize, though.

Cousin: Grew up together, our parents began to separate, so did we. Trying hard to keep SOME type of bond there but she''s a person who talks ONLY about herself- as soon as I (or my sister) starts to talk, she totally zones out. For the sake of keeping a friendship (as we DO have the occasional fun time) we''ll talk with her when we''re calm & willing & have time for a totally one-sided conversation. It sucks- but as said- we endure it for the sake of the occasional fun outing or trip to a bar.

Sister: Best.Friend.Ever... Also engaged (for 1.5 years, now... and counting). She''s almost 2 years older than I. Lives w. FI in Chicago. We''re supportive of each other EXCEPT- we have toootaly different financial situations, and it causes some strain. She''s a social worker engaged to a grad student, I''m a law student engaged to a pharmacist, and while neither couple is rich, I know they struggle a lot more than we do. Solution? Talk about everything but finances-- which is tough with wedding planning happening on both ends... I almost feel guilty about it, esp. about my ring. Still, we make due and pretend our lives our identical

Everyone goes through phases with friends. There may be some room for her in your extended circle of pals, without her having to be front & center. I think you should sever a few ties, keep in touch, stay updated on her life, and when she wants to be more involved with yours, let her back in. If she feels hurt after you''re engaged (about not knowing the details, not going dress shopping, etc) tell her that, by her past reactions, you didn''t think that she''d want to be involved with it all.... but that if she really wants to be, you''d love to rekindle that bond.

Good luck, dear!

 

[glitterazzi]

Thanks everyone!

I hear you all on the "toxic friends" subject. And to be honest - I don''t know if I could do any less with her. We don''t even see each other once a month.

One more question. I''m trying to get her to take time away from her new BF to do lunch or something. Do you think it''s worth bringing up??? Should I tell her that I have these reservations and feel her out? If I do and she gets all dramatic I know my answer for sure... I kind of feel like I''m stuck in between a rock and a hard spot, but it''s time to just rip of the band aid and see what''s underneath! I guess then, regardless of how it goes, I know my answer and can get it over with before it can bruise my engagement & wedding excitement and anticipation.

thoughts?

 

[glitterazzi]

Well - I talked to BFF last Monday - it was a 3 hour ordeal... her grasping at straws, me batting them right back at her. Friday I met her BF - nice guy - we had a good time. My FF invited her to our monthly BIG date - as a friendly gesture (it was last night). Things seems on the right track. Yesterday afternoon she sends me a text about seeing a great bridal store that we''ll have to check out when the time comes... it just made my day. Made me really feel like she was on board and okay with everything. I was SO happy and giddy and excited for dinner. We met on the plaza, shopped a bit, and then went to a VERY nice steak house for dinner. Just appetizers and dessert. I thought it went great. We were all laughing and having a great time. Bill comes - FF pays, we all leave. Then the sh*t hit the fan. He didn''t recall hearing a "Thank you" from her, which pissed him off. The bill was about 3 times what we normally pay, so it put him in a bad mood. Then she thanked us for the evening, but not him specifically for dinner. There had been mention of New Years and (in her typical fashion) she TOLD us what we are doing - which did NOT sit well with him. I asked him to let those things go... its just how she talks - leave it alone and stop being so sensitive. He had promised a clean slate - but I don''t think it is a clean slate. I guess I assumed her thank you was for everything the evening, dinner, everything. I guess he didn''t... It all seemed so perfect for just a second - and then it all came crashing down around me.

I just want everyone to chill the f out!

Can''t we all just get along!!