No longer a lurker!

[Springbaby]

Hi guys,

I have been hanging around here (quite a bit!!) for a couple of months now and finally realised that I had better sign up asap because this potential proposal madness is doing my head in!!

Anyway, it feels good to finally have a place where people completely understand..

My boyf and I have been together for two years now, lived together for one. We''ve been talking marriage for quite a while and I know I am definitely ready to take that next step (I am 26, he is 31), we discuss our plans for the future/a wedding a lot and there''s no doubt that we''ll spend our lives together so I guess now I''m just waiting.

I''m big on planning things in advance, and although I like a surprise here and there I would much rather us be working towards this goal together now (i.e-putting money away for a wedding, rings already..) I don''t know whether I should suggest this or just leave it to him.

He always tells me to just wait and have faith in him, but he can be a bit clueless and vague so I''m always unsure if I should apply a little bit of pressure or just leave him alone...any words of advice??

Anyway, thanks for listening and I hope to get to know you all along this seemingly endless journey!

 

[FrekeChild]

Welcome to PS!

Have you guys talked about marriage yet? I think that there isn''t any reason that you shouldn''t mention, ''Hey we''re going to get married, while you''re saving for a ring, I''ll start a little wedding fund, K?'' Or whatever if you think he might be receptive to that. I can''t think of any LsIW that have been completely blown away and not expecting their proposal at all, and I don''t understand why most people think thats how it''s supposed to be.

I''m also big on planning in advance, so I know how you feel. FF just bought my stone (yippee!) and now I feel like I can start getting excited and really start planning. And we actually have a "wedding fund" which is basically a huge glass vase that has all of our spare change in it. He and I both know what it''s for, and every time he makes a *deposit* he makes sure that I see it. It''s very cute.

So basically I''m wondering how much you guys have talked about marriage, how much pressure has been applied already (hints count!) and if you have a deadline/timeline set up for him.

Again, welcome to PS!!! We are pretty amazing!!!

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 9/16/2008 7:34:01 PM
Author:Springbaby
Hi guys,

I have been hanging around here (quite a bit!!) for a couple of months now and finally realised that I had better sign up asap because this potential proposal madness is doing my head in!!

Anyway, it feels good to finally have a place where people completely understand..

My boyf and I have been together for two years now, lived together for one. We've been talking marriage for quite a while and I know I am definitely ready to take that next step (I am 26, he is 31), we discuss our plans for the future/a wedding a lot and there's no doubt that we'll spend our lives together so I guess now I'm just waiting.

I'm big on planning things in advance, and although I like a surprise here and there I would much rather us be working towards this goal together now (i.e-putting money away for a wedding, rings already..) I don't know whether I should suggest this or just leave it to him.

He always tells me to just wait and have faith in him, but he can be a bit clueless and vague so I'm always unsure if I should apply a little bit of pressure or just leave him alone...any words of advice??

Anyway, thanks for listening and I hope to get to know you all along this seemingly endless journey!

Welcome! I hope your stay is short and sweet

I'm very big on planning too, but I understand that my FFI wants to suprise me.. almost in every aspect, so I have no idea what is coming or what to expect. I did however, leave a few little hints, some subtly, some not so subtly about rings I like, dates I have in mind for getting married and putting together a rough guestlist.

I think the best option is to have faith in your FFI, i'm sure he will make wonderful decisions but maybe a few little helpful hints wouldn't go astray

Best of luck!

 

[Springbaby]

Hi Freke!

Thanks for your reply.

We have spoken about marriage for the last nine to six months pretty regularly and I drop a lot of hints!! The first time I mentioned it he was a bit shocked to find out that I had been thinking about it so much. He has said that it definitely will happen, but just to be patient and he doesn''t see why I''m in such a mad rush...
We''ve actually had one really big argument about it where I was upset because I didn''t think he was as excited, or preparing enough and after that he has started saving more and talking about it more seriously (such as where we will go for our honeymoon, where we will live, buying a house together, getting pets together etc). He has also said that I wouldn''t have to wait another year, although I don''t really have a date or a timeline set up for him.

I guess I really just want to get the ball rolling in a sense...I want him to know I''m serious and I want to start looking at rings etc but I don''t want to apply too much pressure and make him feel overwhelmed! I guess it''s a tough balancing act...

I feel that because he is a bit slow and clueless in that way, and that I might just have to say "honey, we need to start looking at rings and putting money away now!" - I just feel like a psycho girlfriend coming out and saying it!!

Thanks for your suggestions. I think you''re right - I might have to start getting a little more direct when I''m talking to him about this!

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

Welcome springbaby! I completely understand your mindset. I''m also very into planning and organizing and apparently your boyfriend and my boyfriend were separated at birth because that is EXACTLY what my boyfriend says when I bring up pre-planning or saving money or even trying to figure out how or when we''ll have time to plan a wedding considering we don''t live together and he''s in the navy. I dont think they truly understand how much goes into planning one day, so yes they are a little clueless. But on the upside.. they have so much faith in their relationships that they feel everything will work out for the best regardless. (even if the planning is all last minute and lots of little things are overlooked and messed up and they have to talk us down from worrying ourselves to death) Anyway, welcome again! I hope your stay is short <3 Keep us updated!

 

[Ella555]

Hi Springbaby, I''ve been lurking for a while too, but your situation sounds a lot like, so I decided it was time for me to post (even though no one has commented since yesterday).

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 1/2 years (living together for 2 1/2). we started talking about getting married almost 2 years ago, but when he started grad school, he said he wants to wait until he finishes school in May 2009 (totally understandable). We talked about it and decided we should get married May 2010, which at the time was really far away. But we aren''t engaged yet and I am getting very eager to be engaged officially. I just feel like if we are really in love and know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, then why can''t we get engaged now? I am fine with waiting until 2010 to get married, but I would like to be engaged sooner. He already has been saving for a ring. We looked at rings once, and he decided that I definitely need to pick out the ring with him because he wants to make sure I really love it (and I know exactly what I want - Radiant with tapered baguettes, which is actually really hard to find!). His family is bugging him about when we are getting married, and my mom really wants to start planning the wedding, but we can''t do that until he proposes.

Every once in a while we will get into a discussion that turns into a small fight about it and he keeps saying he isn''t ready, but that he will be and that he is still happy with our time frame. We are both really into planning things, but he says that we have been planning so much already (we also wrote out a guest list - but that was his idea) that it makes it less exciting (but me picking out the ring was his idea). He says that he wants the proposal to be a surprise, and talking about it so much makes it less special and not a surprise. He said that he needs be able to do the part of the man and plan the proposal, but I haven''t said anything about HOW he should propose, just general timing.

We have been planning to look at rings in the NYC diamond district at Christmas for months now (maybe since February?) since we are going to NY to see my family for the holidays. I told him a few months ago that I wanted to be engaged before we went, because otherwise it would feel weird and not official (and less enjoyable), and I guess that is when he started getting really cranky about it being too planned. I joked that if he really wants it to be a surprise, then he needs to propose soon, because the closer Christmas gets the more I am expecting it. I do see his point, but we have been together a long time and have been talking about it so much, I just really don''t understand the long wait. He is turning 30 in the spring, and money isn''t the problem, so I just don''t get it. The sad thing is that when he does really sweet things for me or says wonderful things about how much I mean to him and how much he loves me, it just makes me think that if that is true, why isn''t he ready to marry me? He also tells me to have faith in him (like your BF did Springbaby), but how long am I supposed to be patient for? And I don''t want him to propose because I am pressuring him, and I am trying really hard not to, but I get really sad because I want to be engaged and it is so close, but it is still so far. My mom thinks he will propose for my birthday (in 2 months), but I am afraid that I will get my hopes up and when he doesn''t, then I will be crushed!

I guess I am getting more eager right now because I have been waiting patiently and focusing on Christmas being the time we get engaged, and since it is finally starting to seem soon, I am worried it will get here and he still won''t be ready. And I don''t know what will change between now and Christmas that will all of a sudden make him ready. He also admits that he can be hot and cold about it, because sometimes he feels totally ready to get married, and other times he is really unsure. So, that probably leads to my frustration because sometimes he encourages me and I get really excited, and then the next time it comes up, he is all weird about it and that is so discouraging! And I have told him it isn''t fair to me, which he agrees, but keeps asking me to be patient.

Another thing to add, HE brings up wedding stuff a lot (not me). He is completely fine talking about and planning the actual wedding, and even our honeymoon, (we''ve also talked about having kids too - he jokes about giving them really bad names) but he can''t handle talking about getting engaged! So I think that is kind of weird and I don''t understand it. And just like you, Springbaby, I want him to be as excited and eager to be engaged as I am, and I don''t feel that way. And I am starting to feel like all these people are getting engaged around me, and people keep asking when we are getting engaged, and I start getting sad because I want it to happen for me. After talking about it for 2 years and practically setting a wedding date, I want to get engaged and I am starting to feel like if it doesn''t happen soon, it will be several more years and I don''t think I can wait that long.

Sorry this turned into such a long post!! I guess I had a lot to vent about... but it''s nice to know I''m not the only one that feels like this. Does anyone have some suggestions? Should I give up on getting engaged by Christmas? Am I being unreasonable? I definitely agree with him that getting engaged should be exciting and wonderful, but he is turning it into a frustrating experience for me by taking so long

ok, I am done ranting now! (thanks for listening/reading!)

 

[Springbaby]

Hey Ella,

Wow. Our situations do sound quite a like. I know what you mean about bringing up the topic - he probably brings it up more than me but when I do it gets emotional and sometimes leads to an arguments.

I think though - like Sailor said - they do have so much faith in the relationship and I think in times of LIW stress, you just know that it will happen eventually. Do you have that feeling?

Maybe the fact that he can''t handle the talk about getting engaged is due to him wanting to be in control of the situation himself. I mean, after all it''s expected that it''s the guys responsibility to plan the proposal, ring etc. i''m not saying that that''s the way it should be, but maybe he feels as though that''s what he has to do.

 

[debzy103]

I really wanted to start discussing marriage with my BF but didn''t want it to seem like I was pressuring him. I wanted him to be in it as much as I am. Anyway, one weekend in July I asked what he wanted to do the next day. And he surprised me by saying, do you want to look at engagement rings? Turned out, he had already started looking without me and wanted to get a feel for what I liked!

It was much better that way - without having to apply any pressure. I know he has no doubts about the process. I think the surprise of starting to look is half the fun!

 

[Ella555]

Hi Springbaby, it is nice to know we aren''t alone!!

And I think you are right about him wanting to be in control of the situation. I am trying to just let it happen, because I know it will happen eventually. But, the last time we had an argument about it, he admitted that he was dragging his feet. He said he doesn''t really think about getting engaged because he is so happy the way things are now since we live together and pretty much act married already. So, I find that frustrating because except for our arguments about "getting" engaged, he doesn''t think about it - which makes it hard for me to have faith it will happen soon.

Anyway, hopefully we both won''t be waiting too much longer!! Keep me updated

 

[SparklyLibra]

Welcome! Sounds like your stay will be nice & short! Don''t forget to have fun while u wait!