non LIW related - need advice

[dragonfly411]

So when I was in highschool I had the same small group of friends. One of them was my toxic ex, and the other was his step sister (same age) who was my best girlfriend. When toxic ex and I broke it off, she took his side, the girl he cheated on me with''s side, and later on didn''t like my new boyfriend and tried to get me to hang out with toxic ex again (even though he''s still with cheat girl). Beyond that she and I had landed into a rather toxic relationship in ways as well. She would only contact me when she needed/wanted something. She didn''t care about my lifestyle or the things I cared about, and she ALWAYS had to have the last word / be right. For a very long time after my toxic ex I moved away from highschool group because they all knew he had cheated on me and it was his roommate who barely knew me who told me. This included toxic step sister. Well now toxic step sister is getting married Saturday and she keeps trying to contact me. I have no desire to talk to this girl, have told her that I feel like we had a toxic selfish one sided relationship and that I have found happiness and would like to keep it and she still won''t leave me alone. I don''t want to be hateful, or ugly, and I don''t want to come off as bitter. I just want to live happily without those types of relationship, but I don''t know how to make her understand that without seeming hateful.... What should I do? The last time we talked was when she wanted me in her wedding and I told her I wasn''t comfortable with it as she was not a part of my life anymore and I didn''t want to be friends. I know this sounds horrible on my part, but she has made no effort to change or act like she cares about me unless it benefits her. She hasn''t been there for me in a very long time, and I am just weary of being there for someone who won''t return the gesture. I have moved on to a great group of friends (though varied) and really am happy without the immature drama of the HS group. Help me pls!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 9/15/2008 2:26:00 PM
Author:dragonfly411
The last time we talked was when she wanted me in her wedding and I told her I wasn''t comfortable with it as she was not a part of my life anymore and I didn''t want to be friends.

I think you just answered your own question right there! If she is not good for you and you are not friends I would not accept the invitation to be in her wedding. Personally I am baffled at how she can not see you do not want to be friends anymore and even more baffled as to why she asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/15/2008 2:26:00 PM
Author:dragonfly411
So when I was in highschool I had the same small group of friends. One of them was my toxic ex, and the other was his step sister (same age) who was my best girlfriend. When toxic ex and I broke it off, she took his side, the girl he cheated on me with''s side, and later on didn''t like my new boyfriend and tried to get me to hang out with toxic ex again (even though he''s still with cheat girl). Beyond that she and I had landed into a rather toxic relationship in ways as well. She would only contact me when she needed/wanted something. She didn''t care about my lifestyle or the things I cared about, and she ALWAYS had to have the last word / be right. For a very long time after my toxic ex I moved away from highschool group because they all knew he had cheated on me and it was his roommate who barely knew me who told me. This included toxic step sister. Well now toxic step sister is getting married Saturday and she keeps trying to contact me. I have no desire to talk to this girl, have told her that I feel like we had a toxic selfish one sided relationship and that I have found happiness and would like to keep it and she still won''t leave me alone. I don''t want to be hateful, or ugly, and I don''t want to come off as bitter. I just want to live happily without those types of relationship, but I don''t know how to make her understand that without seeming hateful.... What should I do? The last time we talked was when she wanted me in her wedding and I told her I wasn''t comfortable with it as she was not a part of my life anymore and I didn''t want to be friends. I know this sounds horrible on my part, but she has made no effort to change or act like she cares about me unless it benefits her. She hasn''t been there for me in a very long time, and I am just weary of being there for someone who won''t return the gesture. I have moved on to a great group of friends (though varied) and really am happy without the immature drama of the HS group. Help me pls!

I think your post says it all. Send a congrats card, no return address and leave it at that. You''ve already made your point with her that you do not want to be friends.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 9/15/2008 2:43:28 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 9/15/2008 2:26:00 PM
Author:dragonfly411
The last time we talked was when she wanted me in her wedding and I told her I wasn''t comfortable with it as she was not a part of my life anymore and I didn''t want to be friends.

I think you just answered your own question right there! If she is not good for you and you are not friends I would not accept the invitation to be in her wedding. Personally I am baffled at how she can not see you do not want to be friends anymore and even more baffled as to why she asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place!

And as infrequently as I agree with Smurfysmiles, she makes a valid point.

If you''ve said no, or even if you haven''t yet....say no and mean it. Do yourself the favor of sparing yourself any drama.

 

[dragonfly411]

Well the bridesmaid invite came out of the blue after us not talking for more than a year, this was a few months ago. Now even after I told her that she is trying to contact me AGAIN... asking to be my friend on face book, emailing etc. It''s just an unhealthy friendship and I don''t want a part of it. I told myself a while ago I wouldn''t be around selfish people like that. I just don''t know how to get her to leave be without being ugly....

 

[princesss]

Just keep declining. Stop contact. Don''t pick up the phone, don''t respond to e-mails, just stop. You don''t have to be ugly, you just have to stop responding. She still has power over you if you keep responding to her. Just be a wall, or a black hole, where she can put as much energy as she wants, but it gets her nothing.

You''re doing the right thing for yourself. She seems to be getting it, otherwise she wouldn''t be contacting so infrequently. You''re really on the right path.

 

[dragonfly411]

I''ll keep with that then. I haven''t responded since the above correspondence so hopefully she''ll get the drift after a while. Thank you guys, I feel a bit better now knowing that there''s a logical step to take besides meanness. lol.

 

[jcarlylew]

i dont think you are being mean.

a friend and i stoped talking, and though its probably for the best (and at least to me, we wernt that toxic!) i never got a "you know, i just dont want to be friends" though its rough to hear, at least its an end. You at least gave her that courtosy

with your ex friend, she''ll stop soon enough.

 

[SailorsSweet<3]

It seems like she just doesnt understand that HER actions are the reason you dont want to invest time in the friendship. She''s acting like you''re the one that needs the time to change and then you two can pick up right from where you left off. If she is in that mindset she''ll never make the changes necessary or grow in a way that would allow you to turn over a new leaf with her. You''re much better off just telling her you dont want to bother, like you''ve been doing. Its just sad that some people truly believe they can do no wrong and that they dont need to keep growing and bettering themselves with time.