Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Nontraditional=lonely?

U

UnderBlue

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2009
Messages
101
We''re having the wedding we want: Small, informal, no frills, cutting traditions we don''t feel or things that we think are misogynistic.

It seems that doing things this way has left me feeling pretty lonely. No group trip to some wedding shop to find a big poofy gown (becasue I didn''t want a white poofy gown and no one lives near me). No bridesmaids/groomsmen, so none of that telling people what to wear or planning for parties or whatever and no one getting ready with us the day of. There''s so much of the typical stuff that we''re cutting out becasue it''s meaningless to us, but it seems to make it lonely. I''m planning things on my own (we''re both deciding everything, I''m the one putting it in motion). I try to include friends or family and share with them, etc. but it seems like no one cares as much as other people seem to care about other weddings. I thought this was supposed to be community building or something, but that''s definitely not happening for me.

Been feeling this way for a little while and wanted to get it out.
 
Maybe you are coming across as less than enthusiastic without realizing it? Is your family/friends usually a supportive and excited bunch?

Try to talk about your wedding as if it is one of those ''big poofy weddings.'' Maybe people aren''t excited because they think that it''s not a big deal to you.
 
We eloped. During the leadup I felt intermittently ambivalent about some aspects - I never went on the dress-buying mission with my bridesmaids (firstly because I didn't have any and secondly because 2 weeks after we got engaged we went o/s and got married whilst away). I didn't have a hen's night. Because it was just the two of us, my partner helped me with finding a dress, shoes, everything - so he had seen everything before the day. On the day there was no girly champagne and team hair and make-up, my partner was around for all of it.

We had the best day EVER (no exaggeration) and it felt 100% perfect and "us".

Don't worry - it will be a wonderful day! Feeling these doubts is normal and they will be dispelled on the day :)
 
Two things:


1. This is the most important: You're getting married to your best friend, the person who makes you swoon and gives you butterflies!! No matter how many attendants you have, how many people are in attendance, what you wear, how big or small your party is... that is still the whole point of all of it, and that is still the end result. No matter how you choose to get there you're just as married, and frankly your way sounds a whole lot less stressful! Try to focus on that, and you may not feel what you're missing so keenly.


2. I'll try to make this point without rambling. I don't know where you're from and how your family generally operates, but is it possible that your family and friends are feeling slighted by not being included in the celebration of one of the most important events of your life? Although the "traditional" wedding is primarily about you and your FI, the guests of honour feel included as bridesmaids, with special dances and toasts... perhaps there's some amount of resentment that you didn't 'think they were important enough to you' to go that route. I know my and FI's families would have been very offended... I will say that though I would hope your close loved ones would understand and support your choice, I don't see how you expected this to be "community building" given that for whatever reason you have deliberately chosen to exclude that community.
 
We had a very untraditional wedding. DH calls it a hippy wedding. It was sort of - and he did not wear shoes - but not quite. It was very us. No bridal party, no aisle and definitely no one giving me away as DH and I came in and sat together, no cake and so on. But we made our own special ceremony. Even though we were not the typical wedding we still felt it was very special and treated it as such.


We planned it on our own - and DH put most in motion - and it was fun! Creative, easygoing and no pressure. I shopped for my dress on my own - I am also far from family - and had a blast.I had one on one help and no one telling me what looked good (I can judge what works for me myself!). I did end up with a simple ivory wedding dress though that was very me!


We had 16 guests as we only invited people we were very close to (a lot of family was not invited) - wearing everything from jeans and cowboy boots to cocktail dresses and bellydancing outfits - and invited each to participate in a way they wanted if they wanted without having to tell us beforehand. We set up a circle of sorts rather than front facing chairs and we joined in. And some did! We had poetry, bellydancing, duets on guitars, slideshows all before the exchange of vows where DH and I stood alone just the two of us - and the officiant (DH and I or anyone else did not know one anothers vows beforehand either) - it was great! DH and I played our didgideroos and so on. Even DH and I had no idea what to expect at our ceremony from others and it made it fun for us and them!
After we had dinner a la carte in the resort dining room and a few of us headed to the hot tub to cap the night.

We actually shared very little on details before the wedding to keep it more private and spontaneous but people felt our enthusiasm and were excited. When you talk to people are you excited..or do you hone in on all the things your wedding won''t be? People may be picking up on that!

I will say a couple of our guests felt uncomfortable at the way we did our wedding - MIL was shocked DH did not wear a suit (he sewed his own outfit of blue and ivory silk) for example but overwhelmingly our guests loved it and most say it was one of the best weddings they have been too. But, some people will always prefer the traditional or the expected, and that is okay! You cannot control that!

We get mixed reactions when we share details. Some people are just diehard wedding traditionalists. Others express they wish they had done something less traditional. But at the end of the day what does it matter? We did not have the wedding for *others* (of course our guests were included but it really was not planned for them even).

Anyway - all that to say that neither of us would change a thing. It was intimate, personal, fun, and beautiful. All that mattered to us was *we* were excited and that it worked for us.it was not lonely as even though we did all the planning, live away from family and friends we are not lonely people! In my opinion being lonely is an attitude or a choice. We are all alone at the heart of it..but that does not mean we must be lonely.
 
By the way, the day of, members of my family came and went and hung out with me in my room as they pleased or I pleased.

We did not get ready together but it was fun to still hang out and talk and laugh as I was getting ready, especially as we live far apart. We also had the whole weekend around the resort to bump into one another and hang out.

Again...there is no need to be lonely!
 
I don't have much time but I wanted to share my thoughts. It seems like you're a bit conflicted. Is it possible that you are now realizing that things you thought at first would not be important to you are turning out to be something you would prefer? You can have a nontraditional wedding but still keep some traditional pieces that it turns out you are missing.

Here are my suggestions from what you've mentioned:
- You don't want a white, poofy dress. Okay, but you can still have a dress shopping trip. Instead of hitting up the bridal salons, go to department stores or fun little boutiques. You can still make a day out of it and invite your family and friends along.

- You don't want to tell a bridal party what to wear or to plan parties. How about asking friends to be readers? That would make them feel included in the celebration without the typical bridal party obligations. Or you could have a small bridal party but tell them to wear whatever they'd like and no need to plan a shower, etc.

Maybe the traditional wedding things are meaningless to you but you can come up with things to incorporate that will be meaningful. A wedding is only going to be a community-building experience if you include the community somehow so think of ways to get people involved even if not in typical roles.

Also, you may find that your preferences are changing...and that's okay! So what if the root of some traditions are misogynistic. In modern times, we take those traditions, alter them to our tastes and give them a whole new meaning.

ETA - If you're concerned about not having anyone to get ready with the morning of the wedding, you could plan a "breakfast with the bride" type of event and invite your best girlfriends to come and then stay to help you get dressed.
 
I agree with everything lucyandroger said!
 
Date: 5/26/2010 11:01:29 AM
Author: lucyandroger


I don''t have much time but I wanted to share my thoughts. It seems like you''re a bit conflicted. Is it possible that you are now realizing that things you thought at first would not be important to you are turning out to be something you would prefer? You can have a nontraditional wedding but still keep some traditional pieces that it turns out you are missing.

Here are my suggestions from what you''ve mentioned:


- You don''t want a white, poofy dress. Okay, but you can still have a dress shopping trip. Instead of hitting up the bridal salons, go to department stores or fun little boutiques. You can still make a day out of it and invite your family and friends along.

- You don''t want to tell a bridal party what to wear or to plan parties. How about asking friends to be readers? That would make them feel included in the celebration without the typical bridal party obligations. Or you could have a small bridal party but tell them to wear whatever they''d like and no need to plan a shower, etc.

Maybe the traditional wedding things are meaningless to you but you can come up with things to incorporate that will be meaningful. A wedding is only going to be a community-building experience if you include the community somehow so think of ways to get people involved even if not in typical roles.

Also, you may find that your preferences are changing...and that''s okay! So what if the root of some traditions are misogynistic. In modern times, we take those traditions, alter them to our tastes and give them a whole new meaning.

ETA - If you''re concerned about not having anyone to get ready with the morning of the wedding, you could plan a ''breakfast with the bride'' type of event and invite your best girlfriends to come and then stay to help you get dressed.
Click to expand...
Another +1 to Lucyandroger.

I also wanted to comment on the dress thing... not all wedding gowns are big, white, and poofy. Just because you don''t want to have a princess-like ballgown, it doesn''t mean you don''t get a fun shopping experience! Theres nothing wrong with going into a bridal salon or department store and asking for help finding a non-poofy dress.
 
Date: 5/26/2010 11:39:37 AM
Author: Clairitek
Date: 5/26/2010 11:01:29 AM

Author: lucyandroger



I don''t have much time but I wanted to share my thoughts. It seems like you''re a bit conflicted. Is it possible that you are now realizing that things you thought at first would not be important to you are turning out to be something you would prefer? You can have a nontraditional wedding but still keep some traditional pieces that it turns out you are missing.


Here are my suggestions from what you''ve mentioned:



- You don''t want a white, poofy dress. Okay, but you can still have a dress shopping trip. Instead of hitting up the bridal salons, go to department stores or fun little boutiques. You can still make a day out of it and invite your family and friends along.


- You don''t want to tell a bridal party what to wear or to plan parties. How about asking friends to be readers? That would make them feel included in the celebration without the typical bridal party obligations. Or you could have a small bridal party but tell them to wear whatever they''d like and no need to plan a shower, etc.


Maybe the traditional wedding things are meaningless to you but you can come up with things to incorporate that will be meaningful. A wedding is only going to be a community-building experience if you include the community somehow so think of ways to get people involved even if not in typical roles.


Also, you may find that your preferences are changing...and that''s okay! So what if the root of some traditions are misogynistic. In modern times, we take those traditions, alter them to our tastes and give them a whole new meaning.


ETA - If you''re concerned about not having anyone to get ready with the morning of the wedding, you could plan a ''breakfast with the bride'' type of event and invite your best girlfriends to come and then stay to help you get dressed.
Click to expand...

Another +1 to Lucyandroger.


I also wanted to comment on the dress thing... not all wedding gowns are big, white, and poofy. Just because you don''t want to have a princess-like ballgown, it doesn''t mean you don''t get a fun shopping experience! Theres nothing wrong with going into a bridal salon or department store and asking for help finding a non-poofy dress.
Click to expand...

Ditto on the dress thing.

I went into a bridal salon, but was not even sure I was going to go with a bridal dress. They do have lots of other lovely dresses in there.

And not all wedding dresses look like Cinderella-gowns. Look at their destination wedding lines. They tend to be a lot more easy-going I ended up with a dress from a destination wedding line).
 
We did things a bit nontraditional, and I think a lot of people just don''t know how to react to it. There are very clear, scripted expectations for most of the rituals and events. When you skip those, and let it known you don''t want a hand in them, it takes away the easy reaction. If you are picking elements of the "normal" wedding experience, they may not understand what you do and do not want. When you try to integrate your friends and family, are you dialoguing with them about your decision making process? Perhaps if they understand why certain elements are important to you and why you are selecting to exclude others, they would be more involved. In your post, it is unclear what you would like. Coming up with specific examples, like lucyandroger suggests, may really help with this.
 
You don''t want a white, poofy dress. Okay, but you can still have a dress shopping trip. Instead of hitting up the bridal salons, go to department stores or fun little boutiques. You can still make a day out of it and invite your family and friends along.

- You don''t want to tell a bridal party what to wear or to plan parties. How about asking friends to be readers? That would make them feel included in the celebration without the typical bridal party obligations. Or you could have a small bridal party but tell them to wear whatever they''d like and no need to plan a shower, etc.

Maybe the traditional wedding things are meaningless to you but you can come up with things to incorporate that will be meaningful. A wedding is only going to be a community-building experience if you include the community somehow so think of ways to get people involved even if not in typical roles.

Also, you may find that your preferences are changing...and that''s okay! So what if the root of some traditions are misogynistic. In modern times, we take those traditions, alter them to our tastes and give them a whole new meaning.

ETA - If you''re concerned about not having anyone to get ready with the morning of the wedding, you could plan a "breakfast with the bride" type of event and invite your best girlfriends to come and then stay to help you get dressed.
Click to expand...


Thanks for the links, I actually bought my dress last weekend.

My feelings are in no way caused by saying I didn''t want something and now realizing I do want it.

Finding a dress was borderline torture. I searched anything and everything online. Ordered three dresses offline and had to send them back. There are very few places to get plus sized clothing, let alone something that looks nice and that I can try on. I called some bridal salons, they don''t even offer plus-sized samples. My FI and I scoured all the local department stores looking for something, it was pretty annoying, disheartening and embarrassing. We live here alone, there''s no one near by who could have come along, can''t change that. Even if they could have come, what plus sized women wants to go shopping with her skinny friends. How many times have I been in the mall pretending to look at clothes I can''t fit into.

We''re not having readings, one of those things that we don''t see the point of. I''ve cobbled together the ceremony and it''s about 10 minutes. A friend is getting ordained to perform the wedding. We''re going to do something with our friends the day before or something.

Our wedding is 30 or so people... Where does the inviting people to stay over that morning stop? Does my FI''s SIL stay since my FI wants his brother there? (I do like her.) What do all my friends'' dates do while they''re with me? If FI has his brother, shouldn''t I have my brothers there? They have 6 kids between them... It turns into everyone should be in our apartment. So the only solution we see is no one should be there.

@Katamari: I told my friends why were were doing stuff: That I think it''s ridiculous and antiquated that white symbolizes my purity becasue it''s no one''s business, hence the purple. That''s probably the biggest thing they know abut. They should know I''m not religious, so no church. I know at least one friend is put off that I''m not wearing white. She said, "It''s the only chance I get to wear white." Hmm... no, I could wear white tomorrow if I wanted.
 
Just something to consider--If you feel the loneliness you''re feeling stems from the tossing of tradition, then perhaps you''re coming to discover that they are not so "meaningless" after all??
 
How do you approach it with them?

Do you talk about what your wedding is *not* due to your opinions many of the traditions are ridiculous or do you talk about what your wedding *is* such as an exciting and unique celebration?

I had an untraditional wedding...but DH and I did what we did as it fit for us and most traditions did not, without insinuating that traditions that may be important to others are ridiculous, pointless or antiquated. They did not fit for us but that does not mean they are wrong. After all getting married itself has traditional roots and you are embracing that!

And even wearing purple is only untraditional in the context of recent times. Wearing white - even designated wedding dresses really - only became popular after Queen Victoria wore it - colour used to be far more common and still was among most until more recent times.

Traditions are often not as clear cut as they appear!
 
Date: 5/26/2010 8:40:49 PM
Author: UnderBlue
@Katamari: I told my friends why were were doing stuff: That I think it's ridiculous and antiquated that white symbolizes my purity becasue it's no one's business, hence the purple. That's probably the biggest thing they know abut. They should know I'm not religious, so no church. I know at least one friend is put off that I'm not wearing white. She said, 'It's the only chance I get to wear white.' Hmm... no, I could wear white tomorrow if I wanted.
Click to expand...
White didn't start out representing "purity". It was actually originally that the woman would wear her nicest dress. Only a very rich woman could afford a white dress that would only be worn once (due to it getting dirty). Then somehow it became a symbol of purity. Which is funny I think, because the Virgin Mary is often depicted wearing blue because IT represents purity.

Whatever.

You wear what you want. I wore a silver evening gown. Non-poofy and totally not traditional. No one knew how to react to it, but I did hear a "OMG that is such a beautiful dress..." as a girl was walking past me...

ETA: We had a similar wedding. Colored gown, 22 people, destination in Vegas. MOH did nothing, I had one offer for a bridal shower from a cousin, but that felt stupid because none of them were invited. Whateva.
 
we had a nontraditional wedding as well and I loved it - I don''t regret any of it because it was what I (and my husband) wanted.
 
Hm. I''m not sure how to put this...

In many ways our wedding was non-traditional and small, but I didn''t have the same experience you did.

When you''re telling us about your wedding plans, you keep expressing things in terms of what you *don''t* want and how you "just don''t see the point" and how even if your girlfriends lived near you "what plus sized women wants to go shopping with her skinny friends."

When you talked to your friends and family about your plans, did you actually talk about what you *do* want and did you express greater enthusiasm for the wedding than you do with us? Because, if I were your friend, it would be hard for me to muster up much enthusiasm for your wedding if it seemed like you weren''t all that excited about it yourself. In fact, if every time I brought up your wedding you spoke in terms of negatives I''d assume you didn''t *want* me to help any more than you''d want me to help with a tooth extraction.
 
Date: 5/26/2010 8:40:49 PM
Author: UnderBlue

Thanks for the links, I actually bought my dress last weekend.

My feelings are in no way caused by saying I didn't want something and now realizing I do want it.

Finding a dress was borderline torture. I searched anything and everything online. Ordered three dresses offline and had to send them back. There are very few places to get plus sized clothing, let alone something that looks nice and that I can try on. I called some bridal salons, they don't even offer plus-sized samples. My FI and I scoured all the local department stores looking for something, it was pretty annoying, disheartening and embarrassing. We live here alone, there's no one near by who could have come along, can't change that. Even if they could have come, what plus sized women wants to go shopping with her skinny friends. How many times have I been in the mall pretending to look at clothes I can't fit into.

We're not having readings, one of those things that we don't see the point of. I've cobbled together the ceremony and it's about 10 minutes. A friend is getting ordained to perform the wedding. We're going to do something with our friends the day before or something.

Our wedding is 30 or so people... Where does the inviting people to stay over that morning stop? Does my FI's SIL stay since my FI wants his brother there? (I do like her.) What do all my friends' dates do while they're with me? If FI has his brother, shouldn't I have my brothers there? They have 6 kids between them... It turns into everyone should be in our apartment. So the only solution we see is no one should be there.

@Katamari: I told my friends why were were doing stuff: That I think it's ridiculous and antiquated that white symbolizes my purity becasue it's no one's business, hence the purple. That's probably the biggest thing they know abut. They should know I'm not religious, so no church. I know at least one friend is put off that I'm not wearing white. She said, 'It's the only chance I get to wear white.' Hmm... no, I could wear white tomorrow if I wanted.
Click to expand...
I'm glad you found a dress you like and am sorry that the shopping situation was such a nightmare for you.

It seems to me you have two options, you can stick to your guns and keep doing what you're doing and well....continue to be lonely...or you can add some things to your wedding or change the way you talk about your wedding to make people feel more included or more excited about it.

You keep saying you don't see the point to certain things or certain things are meaningless but you're proving their exact point - to have the wedding be a social event that people besides you and your FI also get excited about so that you're not lonely.

Honestly, I'm pretty turned off by the negativity in your post and I can totally see why your friends and family might think you're not looking forward to the wedding. Also, your insistance that wedding traditions keep some sort of misogynistic meaning may be insulting to your family or friends that did or plan to wear white to their weddings and do not do so to represent purity.

ETA - With the breakfast idea, there is no need to invite people's spouses or dates to join you in getting ready. The idea would be to have a couple close girlfriends help out. Their dates could sleep in, get breakfast themselves, or otherwise occupy themselves for a couple hours. It doesn't have to be a big production.
 
Date: 5/26/2010 11:42:34 PM
Author: Hest88
When you''re telling us about your wedding plans, you keep expressing things in terms of what you *don''t* want and how you ''just don''t see the point'' and how even if your girlfriends lived near you ''what plus sized women wants to go shopping with her skinny friends.''


When you talked to your friends and family about your plans, did you actually talk about what you *do* want and did you express greater enthusiasm for the wedding than you do with us? Because, if I were your friend, it would be hard for me to muster up much enthusiasm for your wedding if it seemed like you weren''t all that excited about it yourself. In fact, if every time I brought up your wedding you spoke in terms of negatives I''d assume you didn''t *want* me to help any more than you''d want me to help with a tooth extraction.
Click to expand...

I went back and looked at the emails I sent and I''m actually pretty positive talking about "we want this" and "we want to do that." Our wedsite is written positively, we have fun and talk about what we''re doing.

You keep saying you don''t see the point to certain things or certain things are meaningless but you''re proving their exact point - to have the wedding be a social event that people besides you and your FI also get excited about so that you''re not lonely.

Honestly, I''m pretty turned off by the negativity in your post and I can totally see why your friends and family might think you''re not looking forward to the wedding. Also, your insistance that wedding traditions keep some sort of misogynistic meaning may be insulting to your family or friends that did or plan to wear white to their weddings and do not do so to represent purity.
Click to expand...

Hmm... I don''t think just becasue something might involve more people or make things more complicated means it has value or that I should add it to my wedding. By that logic, why don''t I have a ring warming ceremony and have everyone help us plant a tree? Why doesn''t everyone have to get up and say something? I don''t want those things at my wedding, they''re meaningless to me regardless of how many people it might involve.

I guess it comes down to I don''t need any help with planning and organizing right now but will the couple days of the wedding. We haven''t planned something so unmanageable and elaborate that we can''t handle the planning ourselves, plus no one is nearby.

I''ve been saying we''re not X and we''re not Y because that seems to be the easiest way to define things. We all know the "typical" things that happen at a wedding. So how is mine different? By not having X, Y and Z. We haven''t really added anything different, we''re just leaving things out.
 
I guess I'm confused. I thought from your OP that you were feeling lonely and wanted your wedding to be a "community-building" experience like you thought weddings were supposed to be. To me that said - get more people involved.

Maybe you should just be open and honest with what you expect from your friends and family. You may very well be sending mixed signals.
 
First off, I''m sorry you''re feeling down
7.gif


But I must say, I''m also a little confused. I don''t really understand what you want your friends and family to do or help you with. You don''t want to go dress shopping with them, or involve them in the wedding b/c you don''t want to do anything traditional....

Do you have idea for your wedding? Like a theme? Maybe you could bounce ideas off your friends and family and ask their opinions.. hopefully they will be a bit more enthusiastic. Sometimes people don''t know what you want from them until you outright tell them.

Kust an idea, but maybe your feelings of loneliness are coming from more general "life stuff" than the wedding. Planning a wedding, traditional or not, can be an emotional time for a lot of people.
 
UB, While reading your post, I wonder if the reason "people" seem not as excited is that you are lumping everyone into a "meaningless and mysogynistic" pile.

I don''t know you or your friends and I have no idea how many of your family members or friends are married or not, BUT, being that I am someone who had a wedding in the last year and wore the "poofy white dress" and had my father give me away among other "mysogynistic" traditions, I would be mostly hurt if one of my friends kept mentioning how she wasn''t doing that because it was pointless and meaningless and mysoginistic! And I probably would keep my distance (even via phone and e-mail) and probably limit myself to offering my best wishes for fear of offending her during such a great time in her life.

In the end, YOU are the bride and this is supposed to be the best time of your life. I know even with all the problems that came up during the wedding planning process and even the day of the wedding, I wouldn''t change a thing and I loved our wedding. I sincerely hope that you have a beautiful day as well. I hope that your friends and family rally around even if they don''t always understand and hopefully you will forgive their blunders as they are bound to happen when people don''t know the correct reaction immediately.
 
If you insult their choices or state that you won''t have any traditional elements, they may be either insulted or left wondering what they are supposed to be excited about. If my friend told me she was getting married, I''d be really excited for her and give the appropriate "oh I''m sooooo happy for you!" and a hug. If she then told me that she wouldn''t be wearing white or having bridal showers and didn''t need my help with dress shopping or wedding planning as she was not into all of that... well, I''ve already said "yay! you''re getting married!" and probably wouldn''t have anything else to say until the wedding week.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top