Not a Big Deal, Right???

[akw94]

Morning everyone,

This morning, I found a rsvp card on the ground near my house, soaked and dirty

. Why not just put the mail in the mailbox?? This is the 2nd one I found like that.

Anyway, the real (sort of) dilemma. This morning''s rsvp was addressed to 2 people, husband and wife, but returned w/4 people accepting, i.e., their children included. We purposely only invited children of family and bridal party b/c of trying to keep the guest list down due to cost. I just don''t think it''s right to include people that aren''t invited. Their kids names weren''t on the envelope so should they just assume they are invited?

Now it''s 2 more seats and 2 more meals (kids meals though so that''s good!). I just feel like they really disregarded me by doing that.

It''s bugging me but I know it''s not a big deal, right??? I should just let it go, right??? And stop letting it get to me???

 

[neatfreak]

That annoys me to no end.

Honestly? I would probably have my mom/fi's mom (whoever is closest) call them and explain kindly that their children are not invited. It does make it stickier because OTHER children are there, but I think that it's rude of people to assume that their children were invited. Maybe that's not the "right" thing to do, but it ticks me off when people RSVP more people than are invited.

For us it WOULD be a huge deal because we are literally maxing out our venue, so we just could not accomodate anyone else.


As for the RSVP notes on the ground, are your notes really small like mine? Because it's very possible that the notes are slipping out from your mail carrier's bundle because they are so small. Just a thought...

 

[janinegirly]

hi dixie, wow you''re already getting rsvp''s!

i''d be annoyed too..i guess give them the benefit of the doubt and assume maybe they don''t know wedding etiquette (or common sense) that makes it clear that only those on invite are ones actually invited. you have 2 choices, either just let it go (all the while knowing it''s a big faux pas on THEIR part) or give them a call or have your mother give them a call (depending on who''s more comfortable with them) to say unfortunately no children outside of BP are invited since it''s a small function, and trying to keep budget under control etc.

the muddy rsvp outside your house kind of puzzles me though! did you put a stamp on the rsvp envelope? i don''t know why they couldn''t have mailed it properly or at least stick it firmly under your door! well at least you found it!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Bigger things to worry about as far as your crummy mail man.

I agree that the 'extras' are somewhat unwelcome and if every couple brought 2 kids it would be a budget nightmare but if this is the only guest that has done this I think it will be ok.

Sorry I am not a better agony aunt dixie!

 

[surfgirl]

I agree with neatfreak. Have your mother or MIL talk to them and if they dont, do it yourself. It''s so rude to assume their kids are invited unless they were specifically listed on the invite, which they were not. Just say something like, "we''re thrilled that you and Jim can join us for our big day, but I just wanted to let you know that we hadn''t planned on any children other than immediate family due to costs and the venue capacity." If you really want these people to come to the wedding I''d also add, "perhaps we can help you find a hotel with babysitting services, would that help?" I dont know...something like that maybe? I know I''d be hella pissed though.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/11/2007 9:56:27 AM
Author: neatfreak
That annoys me to no end.

Honestly? I would probably have my mom/fi''s mom (whoever is closest) call them and explain kindly that their children are not invited. It does make it stickier because OTHER children are there, but I think that it''s rude of people to assume that their children were invited. Maybe that''s not the ''right'' thing to do, but it ticks me off when people RSVP more people than are invited.

For us it WOULD be a huge deal because we are literally maxing out our venue, so we just could not accomodate anyone else.


As for the RSVP notes on the ground, are your notes really small like mine? Because it''s very possible that the notes are slipping out from your mail carrier''s bundle because they are so small. Just a thought...

I agree! This happened to my sister at her wedding. It was the same situation too. I don''t think my mom or my sister had the guts to call the parents and say that unfortunately, their kids weren''t invited. In the end, the couple wound up not coming at all because one of them was sick.

I worry about my wedding because we''re inviting only kids of family members (and POSSIBLY out of town friends who wouldn''t be able to come otherwise most likely). We have a ton of local friends with kids who we just can''t invite (if we did, we''d have 32!). If I have people RSVPing for their whole family when it was only the couple who was invited, I''d have to say something. We just wouldn''t be able to afford it. It''s just plain rude to assume that everyone in a family is invited if the invitation doesn''t explicitly say so.

So the short answer is, I''d recommend bringing it up if at all possible. You have the right to invite whomever you want and it''s not up to the guests to decide it''s okay to add extra people to the guest list.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/11/2007 1:26:41 PM
Author: surfgirl
I agree with neatfreak. Have your mother or MIL talk to them and if they dont, do it yourself. It''s so rude to assume their kids are invited unless they were specifically listed on the invite, which they were not. Just say something like, ''we''re thrilled that you and Jim can join us for our big day, but I just wanted to let you know that we hadn''t planned on any children other than immediate family due to costs and the venue capacity.'' If you really want these people to come to the wedding I''d also add, ''perhaps we can help you find a hotel with babysitting services, would that help?'' I dont know...something like that maybe? I know I''d be hella pissed though.

Good advice!

 

[WTNLVR]

YEP. I would have someone call them. They are probably just clueless about the "rules" around a wedding invite. I had a no kids wedding and my maid of honor brought her 1 yo son!. To this day, I can here him screaming in the background of our wedding video- in the middle of our vows!. I was PI##ED OFF. Even when I watch the videos years later, I can''t believe the cluelessness of people you thought were friends!

 

[akw94]

Thanks everyone for the advice! It really is well appreciated. I have been going over this all day, back and forth. Then, I make the mistake of asking my step-mom who decides to ask my father. She gives him the phone and he starts by saying that I won''t like what he has to say. Well, ok, then don''t say anything! He proceeds to say that I''m the inconsiderate one by not inviting their kids or not expecting that they would all come. That this couple has done so much for me, to not expect the whole family to come isn''t right, etc...
I was just so shocked. First of all, he''s not paying for the wedding so for the most part, I''ve been pretty lucky that he''s kept his opinions to himself. Boy am I grateful for that! But he decides to chime in now, in a way that''s just rude and mean. I didn''t ask him, he knows we''re paying for a lot ourselves, doesn''t know who we are or aren''t inviting and just is making all sorts of assumptions. It makes me so angry!
I''m still torn about what to do but the spiteful side of me now just wants to call and say no simply to spite my father. But I''m attempting to be an adult and think rationally.

So I don''t know. Of course, my FI is out of town for the next few weeks (why so close to the wedding

) so hopefully he and I can talk about it before I make a decision. I am just really torn. I think it was really rude to just invite their kids but I wonder whether it''s worth calling about.
Then, during my lovely phone call w/my dad, my step-mom says there''s someone she wants to invite, she doesn''t think he''ll come but she''ll pay if he does. Great b/c that''s another unexpected person that we don''t have $ for, when we could be inviting people we really want to invite but aren''t due to cost... but sure why not invite another person we don''t want there instead. I will definitely ask for the $ if her guest shows up.

I am not happy right now!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Dixie-

I just saw this and wanted to say I''m sorry you''re dealing with this! That is really rude of the couple, even if you do know them well. I''m not planning a wedding right now, but I wanted to share a good point someone posted on a thread about a similar problem a while back. This poster pointed out that if your wedding is pretty much "no kids", people who are invited w/o their children (and who attend w/o them) could likely be offended when they see other people brought their kids since they will probably think you invited them. Grr...so complicated. But seriously, I really can''t understand when parents are so shocked that someone doesn''t invite their children to a formal event! I can remember not being invited to my parents'' friends'' weddings even as a teenager! Good luck with this-let us know what happens.

 

[Kit]

OMG Dixie, I am so sorry to hear all this! First, I think that if you and FI have decided that you dont'' want kids at your wedding, that is well within your right and you should stick to your guns. Second, I would absolutely address this issue asap because don''t think for a moment these are the only people who are clueless/blatantly ignoring etiquette rules and trying to get their kids in to your reception. It will just continue to snowball, unfortunately, and before you know it there will be all kinds of kids at your wedding. Also, if other couples who rightfully made arrangements to leave their kids behind see other couples with their kids there, believe me they will be pissed. I have seen it before.

Sadly this is just one of those annoying things about weddings but IMO you have to be really proactive about enforcing your guest list rules or else some of your guests will walk all over you.

 

[Pandora II]

I would be furious.

I am trying to sort out what to do about children because my venue is 120 people max and there are over 35 children of people we are inviting. Children outside the bridal party and immediate family (siblings) can only come if my venue agree that they can use another room for a creche.

If someone rsvp''s for their kids, I will have to call them and say no. My only exceptions are for 3 brothers of bridesmaids, because 1 is my nephew, and the other 2 are flying in from abroad and so they have no access to babysitting.

I can imagine people will get really offended if its one rule for one person and another for someone else. I would never reply to an invitation accepting for people not named unless I had called and made sure that it was appropriate.

 

[akw94]

Thanks again ladies! I''ve had a day to calm down a bit, about the added guests and my dad''s response and I am going to just let it go (but I reserve the right to change my mind if others decide to add guests too or I just feel like it

).

Neatfreak, my notes are small so it''s likely they just fell somehow but it sure is annoying to find them wet and mixed in w/the flowers and bushes. That just added to the whole day!
Luckily, we have a pretty small # of guests so our venue can accommodate more, I just would rather we didn''t have to.

Janine, I''m trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and that''s why I decided to just let it go. Just bugs me though.
The rsvp did come returned through the mail, it just somehow ended up on the ground instead of in the mailbox. Annoying! But I am worried b/c my mom said she sent hers and I never got it.

Iwanna, I''m going w/your theory and just hoping that no one else decides to add anyone on. Thanks!

Surfgirl, it is rude! What''s wrong w/people?! Definitely not offering them a hotel. They are in-town and the kids are old enough to stay home. They certainly didn''t need to be added on the rsvp. Yuck!

Zoe, that''s pretty much what we did. Invite kids of family and out of towners. I really can''t afford it but have decided to suck it up. Thanks for the support!

WTNLVR, I hope their just clueless and not deciding that they will just do what they want. I''ll just keep trying to think the positive thoughts.

Siamese, thanks! My wedding will have kids, but unfortunately, we did choose to limit them. I am concerned that others might be offended. I hope it works out ok! I know, it''s a formal event for goodness sakes.. why would you invite your kids on your own!

Kit, I really am hoping this will be the only couple that does this. Most of the others don''t have kids and we really did invite very few friends. Family''s kids are already invited so I think it will just be them. I think the others really know better!

Pandora, I am trying hard not to be furious b/c it''s making me too stressed! I would never reply accepting others not on the invitation either. I just don''t understand them!

Thank you again for your comments and support! I do feel better about this and really am just trying to let it go and keep breathing!

 

[SeattleSparkle]

Dixie, I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this! Extra people is one of my greatest fears. That is why my invite is very blunt. It says ___ of ____ will attend. (I will individually fill in the second blank!)

Guests may be upset, but I think they''ll get over by the big day. We are also only inviting out-of-town/ immediate family children (mostly 1st cousins or 1st cousin''s kids) Everything about our wedding is very formal and all indoors, kids will be bored anyway!!

 

[Lorelei]

I had it happen at our wedding, a colleague of my Husbands, who received an invitation for HIM AND HIS WIFE, brought along his young daughter and MIL without so much as a by your leave

I was fuming as we had a sit down dinner and it caused a lot of aggravation trying to fit them in. However although it remains an annoying memory, it didn't take the shine off the day, but I found it disrespectful.

An invitation extends only to those named on it, or should do. Sorry about this Dix. It does annoy me as often a couple have to whittle down their guest list anyway and not invite some people they would really like to have attend, without thoughtless people hijacking space and resources of a wedding with their uninviteds and assume it is ok for them to go!!!

 

[akw94]

Date: 7/13/2007 9:50:56 AM
Author: SeattleSparkle
Dixie, I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this! Extra people is one of my greatest fears. That is why my invite is very blunt. It says ___ of ____ will attend. (I will individually fill in the second blank!)

Guests may be upset, but I think they''ll get over by the big day. We are also only inviting out-of-town/ immediate family children (mostly 1st cousins or 1st cousin''s kids) Everything about our wedding is very formal and all indoors, kids will be bored anyway!!

Seattle, shoot! I wish I would''ve thought of writing what you are on my invites! I definitely would''ve done that as to prevent this, but honestly, I never even thought of it. Why bring your kids to a wedding they''re not invited to? I just still don''t get it but know that it''s who they are and that''s it.

I really think it''s a great idea to phrase the invites the way you are!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I feel for you dixie, but I''m going to be the voice of dissent. With kids and weddings I think it''s all or nothing. In other words, you either invite everyone''s children or invite no one''s children. It''s so hard to do though. Hubby and I did not invite any children to our wedding and people brought them anyways. It made me mad but there was nothing I could do - I couldn''t even politely ask them to leave because that''s just rude. We were maxed on our venue and I was worried about it - but everything went smoothly in the end. Good luck and happy planning.

Jess

 

[Maria D]

Date: 7/13/2007 9:50:56 AM
Author: SeattleSparkle
Dixie, I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this! Extra people is one of my greatest fears. That is why my invite is very blunt. It says ___ of ____ will attend. (I will individually fill in the second blank!)

Guests may be upset, but I think they''ll get over by the big day. We are also only inviting out-of-town/ immediate family children (mostly 1st cousins or 1st cousin''s kids) Everything about our wedding is very formal and all indoors, kids will be bored anyway!!

That''s excellent advice SeattleSparkle. I''m always amazed at the number of wedding RSVPs I get that say "number attending ________" Talk about asking for trouble!

Another standard RSVP is M_____________________________ ___will attend; ___regretfully will not attend. The hosts could fill in the blank next to the M with specifically who they are inviting, rather than leaving it to the invitees to fill out. But that wouldn''t stop the clueless from still bringing extras so I like your method much better. It doesn''t leave room for any ambiguity.

 

[E B]

Date: 7/13/2007 9:50:56 AM
Author: SeattleSparkle
Dixie, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! Extra people is one of my greatest fears. That is why my invite is very blunt. It says ___ of ____ will attend. (I will individually fill in the second blank!)


Guests may be upset, but I think they'll get over by the big day. We are also only inviting out-of-town/ immediate family children (mostly 1st cousins or 1st cousin's kids) Everything about our wedding is very formal and all indoors, kids will be bored anyway!!

Mine has a similar format: it says, "We've reserved _____ seats in your honor", which I fill out. I've heard too many stories about people inviting friends or casual dates and our budget just won't allow more than around 120 people.

 

[akw94]

Diva,
Well, I understand your point but the thing is, they don''t know if I''m inviting everyone''s children or no one''s children so I still don''t think it gives them the right to add someone on the rsvp. And I don''t disagree w/your theory but cost is tough and I''d rather cut some kids than not invite the parents at all. Oh well, what''s done is done.

Maria and Ebree, I really never thought of adding anything but how many guests are attending. Yep, that was me, asking for trouble! I did that so that I''d know if family members were coming all together or just one parent or some kids vs all. I didn''t know it would backfire for other guests.

Well guess what, it happened again! And this couple I am actually surprised about. I guess it must be common around here to assume your kids are invited. I guess... But I''m over it. I''m not even mad, just a bit surprised. In the long run, it''s not worth it to me to say they can''t come so I''ll deal w/it.

For any who haven''t sent invitations out, beware of this problem!!

 

[iheartscience]

I will be very aware of this when I do invitations! I''m not inviting kids that I''m not related to and if anyone tries to pull this on me, I will call them up and tell them their kids are NOT invited! I think that''s what you should do, too, but I understand that you want to avoid conflict. I hope no one else pulls this on you because that will really add up, I imagine.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 7/14/2007 10:27:43 PM
Author: dixie94

Maria and Ebree, I really never thought of adding anything but how many guests are attending. Yep, that was me, asking for trouble! I did that so that I''d know if family members were coming all together or just one parent or some kids vs all. I didn''t know it would backfire for other guests.

... But I''m over it. I''m not even mad, just a bit surprised. In the long run, it''s not worth it to me to say they can''t come so I''ll deal w/it.

For any who haven''t sent invitations out, beware of this problem!!

Oh, don''t be hard on yourself dixie94. The only people invited are those named on the invitation and everyone *should* know that! I can see in some cultures people being upset that their children aren''t included, if that''s what they are used to. In some cultures it would be just as gauche to NOT invite the entire family as it would be to not invite the significant other of a couple. But, being upset that someone isn''t invited is not the same thing as just assuming they are.

You shouldn''t have to spell out how many are invited on the response card, and you should be able to get a way with ''number attending _______'' but there are clueless people out there. Actually, response cards included with the invitation came about because so many people were too clueless to respond otherwise! And even with the pre-addressed stamped envelope, you''re lucky if you get most of them back. And then there''s the people who respond one way and do something else...

I''m glad you''ve let it go. That kind of attitude will make your day a great one! good luck.

 

[akw94]

Thing, I totally understand your reaction! Luckily, our guest list is very small so there weren''t many invited on the friends list that had kids. So I don''t expect any further uninvited guests.

Maria, thanks for your support! I actually feel just fine about the kids coming now. I guess I needed to vent and let it go. I am happy that people can be there to share our day w/us and I was never someone that wanted to exclude kids, just did so due to finances. So I''m ok w/it costing a bit more to include other members of friends'' families.

Thanks again everyone!