Not a good day

[Marlad367]

So here is my rant for the week. some of you might have read one of my post where I mentioned that my bf has claimed that money issues are the reason why we are not engaged or planning a wedding. We just hit the 2 1/2 year mark this month.

So, I sent him an email expressing how I felt; that we as a couple need to sit down and plan on how to make our future happen. A week went by and no mention of this email , nor response (and we live together so it was not even a matter of "finding" me to have this dicussion).

I asked him this morning if he got my email and he said yes. That''s when I got really angry. I told him that even if he was not ready to respond right away he could have at LEAST let me know that he got the email. He has ALWAYS returned my emails ....except this one.

So needless to say I am very hurt and wonder if I am "barking up the right tree" . I love him and we been thorough so much (car accident that almost killed us in December, dealing with his crazy ex (who is the mom of his little son), finacial issues, etc" so it is hard to say the hell with it and walk away. He always does little things for me just to remind me tha he loves me.

BUT if he could not even take the time to answer my email or just say that he read it...to me it screams I DON''T WANT TO GET MARRIED SO STOP BOTHRING ME ABOUT IT!!!"

I make way more money then he does so living on my own is not a problem but if I walk, that''s it, I am not going back. That is why I am in such a delima.

Any advice or words of comfort would be appreciated

 

[cl2ysta1]

thats what that is screaming to me also. I would tell him you are going to have to talk about it set a time and do it. It''s not wrong for you to want to be married and if he is not wanting to marry you, than that is something you are either going to live with and accept. or move on and find someone who does.

 

[leoslove730]

He owes you a conversation to let you know where your relationship is heading. Being together for 2.5 years and living together, that is the least that he should give you. My bf and I have been together for nearly 3 years (in October) and living together for a year and a half, and if he didn''t sit down and discuss our future plans I''d probably be reevaluating our relationship. I''m so sorry that you have to deal with "baby mama drama". My best friend deals with it all the time, and god bless you for being the bigger person.

I would tell him that this is an issue that is very important to you and you''d like to sit down and talk to him about where your future is heading. You guys are way past the dating stage, so like I said, that is the least he should give you. Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Email? Really? You know what that SCREAMS to me ... "I'm afraid of talking about serious subjects face to face?" You're hiding behind technology. Why?

 

[Marlad367]

Fair question.

I am not hiding. I have had this conversation with him, face to face (more times than I care to recount but not to the point where it was rediculous). It becomes an argument and then it is dropped. I emailed because he was working a night shift and then I would be working during the time he was home so it was the only way for me to get out what I need to at the time I was feeling it ...

 

[lsyama]

Marlad - sorry to hear you''re not having a good day

I think some (many?) guys don''t know how to talk about feelings, so they just kind of avoid it as a first line of defense.

You said you''ve had this conversation with him before in person, and it starts turning into an argument, so it gets dropped. I had an ex who absolutely refused to talk to me when things started to get argumentative. Maybe he saw the email as starting up the same conversation and just didn''t want to start up the argument again. I''m not sure how to deal with this style of conflict avoidance (note that the aforementioned guy is now an ex...), but hopefully the two of you can figure it out!

 

[bee*]

You should definitely discuss it with your bf and explain to him how you''re feeling. And he needs to have a proper conversation and not argue. You need to see if you''re on the same page.

 

[TravelingGal]

As someone who often prefers to write to get things out (although I rarely give it to TGuy...it''s more of a release for me), and who is married to someone who DETESTS writing, I can understand why you did what you did. And if your man is anything like mine, I can understand why he didn''t respond...

It seems logical that even if he didn''t want to write a response, he could have let you know he got the email, right? Well, men aren''t always logical by our logic.

It could have overwhelmed him and he just couldn''t do anything more than ignore it at the time. Doesn''t mean he doesn''t love you. It may just mean he''s a retard at dealing with heavy written communication.

So I agree with the others. Face to face is key. I know you have done this before but maybe you can go over it in your head and figure out how it can be done differently so it is NOT an argument. Little things like...are you bringing this up while he is watching something on TV? He may have gotten irritated and been unresponsive because of that. I know it''s not fair, but sometimes we have to smartly strategize, even though it shouldn''t be that way. If these talks NEVER bring about any resolution, then perhaps it really is time to rethink this relationship. Good luck to you!

 

[Hoping&Waiting]

This is tough!!

I haven''t taken the time to read everyone elses posts. so sorry if I am repeating what others have said.

I would say....dont give up. Im going to take the optomistic route and pretend for a second that he is similar to my FF....my FF DOES NOT like to talk about it very often, he is very very very convinced to surprise me. So therefore he sometimes acts as though he doesnt care, or like he isnt even thinking about it....but in reality it is his way of keeping it "secret".

Again...DONT GIVE UP....if he is truly the one you love, then you will sit down, whether he is being responsive or not and lay it all out. I know you said you have had several conversations, but have you been so serious that you said, "listen...I want a family...I want to be married...and you are the person I see myself with for the rest of my life, and if we arent on the same page...I need to know that" etc.

Hope I helped, hang in there and fight for the one you love

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

You say that you’ve spoken to him about it repeatedly, do you think that he feels your discussions are more you nagging him about when it’s going to happen as opposed to discussions about the best way to structure your future together? I am not trying to be harsh here but I know that girl discussions are much different than boy discussions and that’s a huge hurdle I’ve had to overcome with my boyfriend.

If your discussions about your future turn into arguments, I am not sure how to give any advice on how to move forward. I agree with Isyama’s perspective: maybe he’s afraid of getting into another fight because he knows he can not tell you what you want to hear. I just had the The Talk with my boyfriend and one of the things I made sure to do was brace myself to hear things I didn’t want to hear so that the conversation did not turn into an argument. Perhaps he is embarrassed that you make more than he does and can not afford a ring at this point in time and is too proud to tell you that?

TravelingGal is right, if these discussions do not bring any resolution or at least inspire you to feel that you do indeed have a genuine future together, then rethinking the relationship is probably in order.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/30/2007 12:38:48 PM
Author: decodelighted
Email? Really?

haha Deco, that's what I was thinking as well. Writing an email in the first place invites a response problem from him. Emailing him is setting him up for failure, IMO!

He didn't respond to an email suggesting that you talk about this issue (sometime?? any time? now? in a year?) within a week and you think he's simply not marriage-minded? I would bet you that he just didn't know how to initiate a discussion after just receiving an email about it, and was waiting for (and expecting) you to do the initiating. Men, like children, respond well to good timing and structure.

As to the issue of it turning into an argument, it may simply be pent up frustration on the issue. Try to be as calm and reasonable as possible during the discussion, and don't initiate it when you're already feeling upset. Be patient, listen when he's talking, try to keep the pressure off. Then, if it still erupts into an argument, it will likely be a more telling experience than if you let your OWN emotions get away with you.

If your guy is anything like mine, he gets defensive when the pressure is on. Questioning and pushing him is never the answer for me. He requires a lot of emotional support and reassurance that it's not an attack in order for him to respond well, and speak his true feelings.


I'm getting a little rambly. Moral of the story is... bring it up at a CALM time, IN PERSON, when you both are feeling relaxed and happy. Keep your emotions in check, and exercise your strongest patience.

 

[Marlad367]

Thank you all for such excellent advice. For thoes of you who mentioned that my irritation could be causing the issues...BINGO! I have to admit (although it is hard) that you are right. I do not mean to be that way but as I read the answers here and really took a look at my approch, you all are right.

I guess I am so afraid that at 33 I could be wasting time on someone who will NEVER be ready and then at 40 (ok I am not going to wait that long but just saying lol) I will have to start over and any man who wants kids would not take a second look at me. Also, my first marriage started out with a guy who stalled for almost two years. When I finally broke it off , he proposed but made me suffer (I believe as pay back) for the duration of our marriage. I left (abuse issues, etc). I do not want another man that I feel like I am dragging to the alter. I do not want to go through that kind of pain ever again.

I love my bf. I am helping him raise his child (who I love and who calls me his mommy). There is so much invested here. I will take the time to talk with him (I will be calm...promise) and see where it goes.

 

[blingergrrrl]

Date: 8/31/2007 7:20:34 PM
Author: Marlad367
Thank you all for such excellent advice. For thoes of you who mentioned that my irritation could be causing the issues...BINGO! I have to admit (although it is hard) that you are right. I do not mean to be that way but as I read the answers here and really took a look at my approch, you all are right.

I guess I am so afraid that at 33 I could be wasting time on someone who will NEVER be ready and then at 40 (ok I am not going to wait that long but just saying lol) I will have to start over and any man who wants kids would not take a second look at me. Also, my first marriage started out with a guy who stalled for almost two years. When I finally broke it off , he proposed but made me suffer (I believe as pay back) for the duration of our marriage. I left (abuse issues, etc). I do not want another man that I feel like I am dragging to the alter. I do not want to go through that kind of pain ever again.

I love my bf. I am helping him raise his child (who I love and who calls me his mommy). There is so much invested here. I will take the time to talk with him (I will be calm...promise) and see where it goes.

I really hope things work out for you and I can totally understand where you are coming from.

I am close to that 30 mark and I hate that as a female there is a constant pressure to get married and have a kid before the late 30's. In fact, my (ex)boyfriend and I just went through a break up because he was feeling pressured by me, my friends, and family for this reason, as well as pressure on him due to a new job, going back to school and buying his first house. I think the breaking point for him was hearing my girlfriends and I talk about having kids before 35, and it suddenly occurred to him that since he's the same age as me, that HE needs to have a kid before 35. It was too much for him and we ended our relationship. I also heard the advice from friends that he should know if this is THE relationship and if he's not willing to move forward then I should move on (the whole "your not getting any younger" thing).

However, a week later he called me and said that his career, school, and the house meant nothing to him without me in his life, and he wants me to be his wife and mother to his kids, and understands the pressure to do so within a certain time limit...so currently we are working through our issues. I didn't realize that I personally had been pressuring him because he had made comments that he was thinking of us in future terms (talking about me as his wife, about "our" kids), but when I began pressuring about the time I was expecting this, he freaked. But I think that our time apart allowed him the breathing space he needed for it all to sink in and gave him the time to process it all. I have to say that some guys are just really dumb when it comes to this stuff, and perhaps your man just needs a break? I understand that it is so much easier said than done tho, because in the back of your mind you probably feel that you don't have the time to give him. But if he's really worth it, and you feel that this is the person you want to spend your life with and he has indicated the same about you, I know you will find a solution together no matter how tough the road to it might be...

My thoughts are with you...

 

[icepunk]

hi all. i am very new around here. and am no longer waiting, but can sympathize, so decided to give in to the urge to share.

my husband and i were engaged for 5 years before we were married, and we broke up for a year in between. we were engaged partially because he was moving to europe for a year and i was going to the US for the same year. by then we only knew each other for 6 months, and we were in our early 30s, already. he felt it was too early to be engaged. i agreed, but felt very strongly about not committing and changing my whole life''s direction for a "boyfriend". a "fiance" would make all the difference. but as a result, he dragged his heels all the way after. understandably. and in a way, i was "stuck", as leaving a fiance became harder than leaving a boyfriend. because of all the shared life experiences, the emotional bondings, the memories. it became a torture to even think about leaving him. and he felt the same way.

but that was when it dawned on me. he did not want to get married, yet. but he did not want to loose me. so we were in this sort of dance going back and forth for what seemed like forever. and what i then realized was that the ownership had to be on me, the woman, to set the deadline. i say woman because no matter how emancipated we are socially, our biological realities are very different from men. so i thought i had to be the one who set the limit and communicate this to him. at the same time, i have to be ready to walk away, if the deadline was not met. didn''t mean we love each other less. and i think he knew that too.

2 years after we were engaged we broke up. and 3 years after we were engaged, we became re-engaged. and more than a year after, we were married. we were both pass our mid-30s by then...

i don''t know exactly how this sharing help, so sorry. i think my main points are that i understand how hard it is to even think of walking away when our lives are so intertwined with the other. all those memories... i also felt that i caught a glimpse of why men seemed so "duh" sometimes in these things, they want us, but they are not ready to take the plunge, and are quite happy for us to be "floating" neither here nor there. so we have to set the deadline. i dont know how to put this in the right word. but i hope you know what i mean.