Not a great day

[that_someone_special]

So yesterday I had a Drs appt to go to. I had the BF with me, we stopped at got some fast food and were munching on that before my appt. I was talking about having a BBQ for our friends and joking said, "To celebrate our SUMMER engagement.. heheh SUMMER engagement... hehe SUMMER ENGAGEMENT!" He laughs and says .. "Oooh you think it''ll be this summer?" The subject gets dropped.

Not more than 5 mintues later he says, "Do you ever worry that you''ll get cold feet?"
me "Um, no.. I know what I want"
him "but you don''t think that you''ll freeze up and not be able to do it? What would you do if I got cold feet? kill me?"
me "cry"
him "yeah right! you''d kill me"
me "no, I''d cry... you''d break my heart.. is that how you feel? that you already think you''ll get cold feet?"
him "do I THINK it will happen? no... do I WORRY it will happen? Yes"

This was all it took. I started crying

He got out of the car, I rolled up all of the windows and locked the doors. He went to my side of the car and knock-knock-knock-knock-knocked on the window. he said it wasnt safe for me to be sitting in there like that. I rolled the window down, he opened the door and said, "can you see how I would worry about that?"

Me, of course.. couldn''t. To me, he''s the love of my life! I''m excited to finally have that step with him... to do all of that stuff. He then says, "You see it in all of the movies.."

!!! Movies? You''re comparing us to movies!!
I knew which one he was talking about... Sex And The City..

me "Big was an idiot- you said so yourself"
him "but it happened! You see it all of the time in movies.."
me "we''re not a damn movie!"

So we''re sitting in the Drs parking lot, I''m bawling, he''s raising his voice.. not a good situation.

I explain to him how I felt, (and this is hard for me to tell you girls so be nice) - basically "I''m already afraid of losing you.. that you''ll see I''m not good enough for you and you''ll wise up and leave me. I figured if we were engaged, I could be relieved.. but now I feel like I still have to worry about you leaving me. You''d break my heart. You''re all I ever wanted.." (blahblahblah)

He then goes, "You wont get rid of me that easy honey, you''re stuck with me"

I know he loves me. I love him. But what would and does possess men to do that??? I''m sitting there still crying my eyes out, he''s hugging me, wiping my tears away.. ugggh. I know I was a bit emotional.. but... what??? He''s scared he''ll get cold feet?? Why?? I know I won''t... He''s the one I want..

I''m confused. Just needed to tell someone..

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

AWE sweetie I''m sorry!!

I would have been bawling also! Hang in there. For some reason when guys really think its seriously (maybe taking the next step?!!?) They freak out. I don''t know why they do it. Don''t pay any attention to him. He is just scared. I hope you 2 get everything sorted out!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Aw Im sorry for that! Maybe he just isn''t all "that" ready just yet for an engagement. Do you think that is possible? Or maybe the thoughts are just going through his head, thats all. Just some pre-engagement wedding worry.

And also......I didn''t see the movie but by what you are saying, sounds like I know what happens

 

[decodelighted]

I think I actually have good news for you. You can help yourself feel more secure NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS with *this* relationship. YOU can work on liking yourself & feeling worthy & feeling loveable & feeling deserving. Being stronger like that will help you weather all sorts of real & imagined storms in life.

At this point its not even about your relationship. Its about how you feel about yourself. Some books on esteem could help ... so could talking to a clinical social worker/therapist type ... or even a clergyperson if that''s your bag.

I''m not saying you need this for your relationship to thrive. It would help YOU to thrive & feel more secure in everything that you do. Honest!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hey there,
I''m sorry you''ve had a tough day, but it''s also a good thing that you two broached this subject.

cold feet happens to a lot of people and it''s not entirely unreasonable. If you''ve seen some bad experiences or grew up with bitterly divorced parents or worse: bitterly together parents -- it can make the act of marriage quite frightening. Even if you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, fears like this can raise up and really take a hold of you if you don''t take the time to confront them and reason them out. --In this case however, he''s worried that it MIGHT happen, it hasn''t happened yet. So it''s good that he''s thinking about it, but there''s nothing for you to worry about yet.

I know it must be very scary, but at the same time: if he does get cold feet and then he mans up (as I call it) and comes to you, certain and ready, you''ll never think he married you or proposed to you with blind faith-- but that he thought about it and he KNOWS he''s making the right decision. That''s even better, right?

Just thought I would add: Sex and the City is by far one of my least favorite shows/movies. I understand that a lot of people like it, but in my mind, I think Carrie and Big deserve each other (and NOT in the good way). Don''t compare yourselves to such trash.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:16:41 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Aw Im sorry for that! Maybe he just isn''t all ''that'' ready just yet for an engagement. Do you think that is possible? Or maybe the thoughts are just going through his head, thats all. Just some pre-engagement wedding worry.

And also......I didn''t see the movie but by what you are saying, sounds like I know what happens

There is much more to the movie (I loved it

)

As far as the engagement, he was the one that said by our first anniversary would be ideal. Our first anniversary comes and goes.. we both weren''t ready.. we were fighting and really had to sort out our feelings and if we were both worth those intense fights!! We''ve now been dating a year and 7 or 8 months?? something like that. Our two year is our next mark. Around there. We did discuss a longer engagement though, for money reasons (no one to help with the wedding)...

And, not to mention HE was the one that said, "I could see myself with you forever, with kids.." blahblah. When he first said that 7 months into the relationship I was all

wohoo.. lol..

But yeah.

 

[that_someone_special]

Hi decodelighted

You are spot on. I do have those issues. My last ex cheated on me, and that brought about MANY trust issues. I finally am not worried about BF cheating on me, but am working on the thought of him leaving me. This stuff affects everything, from my art to jobs.. never being good enough.

You did peg it though.. and I suspect some of our fights come from me being insecure.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:21:23 PM
Author: decodelighted
I think I actually have good news for you. You can help yourself feel more secure NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS with *this* relationship. YOU can work on liking yourself & feeling worthy & feeling loveable & feeling deserving. Being stronger like that will help you weather all sorts of real & imagined storms in life.


At this point its not even about your relationship. Its about how you feel about yourself. Some books on esteem could help ... so could talking to a clinical social worker/therapist type ... or even a clergyperson if that''s your bag.


I''m not saying you need this for your relationship to thrive. It would help YOU to thrive & feel more secure in everything that you do. Honest!

Also: sort of a ditto here. Feel confident about yourself! It makes life so much easier!

Well that and... I never like to let my guy think he''s getting any less than his equal!

Because quite frankly, we should both be counting our lucky stars!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

DD~I''m sorry but I don''t see how self help books or therapy has to do with this situation!?!? DD I understand where you are coming from about learning to love yourself; but I wonder what does that have to do with the situation at hand?

 

[Dreamgirl]

Maybe he wants to marry you and everything that goes with it but is still not at that point yet. So he said by the first anniversary. But maybe by that time he still didn''t feel ready. If you two love each other then it will work itself out and the time will come when he is ready.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I'm sorry you had to go through that

. I think sometimes boys say things that they don't mean without realizing it. My own FI has said some pretty stupid (read hurtful) things in the past, and has had to explain himself and apologize profusely after the fact. An example, one night during the height of LIWitis he told me that he didn't yet know if I was the one. At this point I thought we had already established that he wanted to marry me, but it was a matter of when he would think he's ready for marriage. The next day he was apologizing profusely, saying he didn't mean that, and he got nervous and blurted out something stupid. Sometimes I wish he would think prior to speaking

.

I'm not saying that he necessarily didn't mean what he said, but perhaps it came out in the wrong way. I would ask him to think about what he said, and figure out what is making him nervous. Than maybe the two of you can work on it.

ETA: I thought the Big and Carrie situation in STC was annoyingly stupid. Come on, who does that? Did not like that movie at all.

 

[that_someone_special]

Hi moderatelypoorstudent,

You ARE right Big and Carrie do deserve each other. I liked her with Aiden-- but he was too sweet for her. And yea, BF and I are better... I will remind him.. and myself of that.

You made some very good points.. His parents did divorce.. he did have a bad childhood. Mine are together, and am a little more positive about marriage.
Also, you''re right. I would prefer him to KNOW rather than to do it on blind faith..!

Thank you everyone for your responses!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Most guys have the mindset "everything is good why change it" meaning engagement... being engaged means pretty much nothing to most men!

 

[Hera]

I think it''s totally normal that a man would feel worried about cold feet when he''s going to be proposing soon. He gently brought up the subject by asking you if you every worry about getting cold feet and then you freaked out.

Don''t get me wrong, I get where you''re coming from. There''s no doubt in your mind that you wouldn''t get cold feet, but not all people are like you. The fact that he worries about cold feet tells me that he is taking this very seriously.

Now seriously, let''s get it together here. He loves you and I think he just wanted to share his fears with you hoping you would understanding. There''s no red flags here for on his part but on your part there are huge ones. I think that you need to think about whether you''re ready to enter this part of your life. You see, when you''re married it becomes about the both of you and right now I think you shot down his feelings in this argument which might lead to him feeling isolated and unable to come to you to address real issues in your relationship (not good practice for a marriage). Also, maybe some therapy would be good for you so that you can deal with your own insecurities.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:21:23 PM
Author: decodelighted
I think I actually have good news for you. You can help yourself feel more secure NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS with *this* relationship. YOU can work on liking yourself & feeling worthy & feeling loveable & feeling deserving. Being stronger like that will help you weather all sorts of real & imagined storms in life.

At this point its not even about your relationship. Its about how you feel about yourself. Some books on esteem could help ... so could talking to a clinical social worker/therapist type ... or even a clergyperson if that''s your bag.

I''m not saying you need this for your relationship to thrive. It would help YOU to thrive & feel more secure in everything that you do. Honest!

Yes! Read this again. Then read it again.

First, I think you need to recognize that he was open with you about his fears, but you didn''t listen to him, you rolled up the windows and locked the doors! I understand that it hurts to hear things you don''t necessarily want to hear, but what he''s saying is valid...he fears he may get cold feet. He doesn''t even have them, he''s just worried about getting them! That''s not so bad!! Instead of telling him that you fear losing him and that he''s too good for you, you should tell him the truth--that you''re such a fantastic woman he should never fear getting cold feet. If there were some sort of opposite affliction where men got "hot" feet in excited anticipation of the engagement, he should be worried about THAT!

Seriously, the more you shut down, freak out and put yourself down the less he''s going to feel like he can talk openly about these things, so please, please re-read Deco''s post and work on realizing how worthy you are!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:30:46 PM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
DD~I''m sorry but I don''t see how self help books or therapy has to do with this situation!?!? DD I understand where you are coming from about learning to love yourself; but I wonder what does that have to do with the situation at hand?

Luckily the OP "gets" what it has to do with the situation at hand.

She''s *overreacting* to his casual conversation about cold feet because of her own admitted insecurity & fears that he''ll "discover" she''s not good enough for him. HE can''t change that. Nothing he can do will ever make her feel more secure if she still thinks there''s something secretly wrong with her just waiting to be "discovered". SHE has to realize that she *is* "good enough". And then they can have open conversations about their fears without her blowing it out of proportion and focusing on all the ways it might go wrong or getting super emotional about the worst-case scenario. The added bonus? She''d be better able to handle a breakup if that *did* ever happen. (Don''t think that''s the case here ... but geez, even married couples breakup 60% of the time).

The good news is that this isn''t a relationship problem where BOTH people need to change. Honestly, he did nothing wrong (IMHO). He was just talking about normal rational fears. He *should* be able to talk about things like that with his future mate. He shouldn''t have to tip-toe around her because she''s over sensitive. It''s something SHE can work on about HERSELF. And make every aspect of her life easier to deal with. That''s my opinion.

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:46:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/18/2008 3:30:46 PM

Author: HeadOverHeels4James

DD~I''m sorry but I don''t see how self help books or therapy has to do with this situation!?!? DD I understand where you are coming from about learning to love yourself; but I wonder what does that have to do with the situation at hand?

Luckily the OP ''gets'' what it has to do with the situation at hand.

She''s *overreacting* to his casual conversation about cold feet because of her own admitted insecurity & fears that he''ll ''discover'' she''s not good enough for him. HE can''t change that. Nothing he can do will ever make her feel more secure if she still thinks there''s something secretly wrong with her just waiting to be ''discovered''. SHE has to realize that she *is* ''good enough''. And then they can have open conversations about their fears without her blowing it out of proportion and focusing on all the ways it might go wrong or getting super emotional about the worst-case scenario. The added bonus? She''d be better able to handle a breakup if that *did* ever happen. (Don''t think that''s the case here ... but geez, even married couples breakup 60% of the time).


The good news is that this isn''t a relationship problem where BOTH people need to change. Honestly, he did nothing wrong (IMHO). He was just talking about normal rational fears. He *should* be able to talk about things like that with his future mate. He shouldn''t have to tip-toe around her because she''s over sensitive. It''s something SHE can work on about HERSELF. And make every aspect of her life easier to deal with. That''s my opinion.

OK OK I see now... my mind is REALLY scrambled up today! HAHA I can see both sides.. I tend to be sensitive to things like that, but for me its not a self-esteem issue, I''m just a cancer. I agree with you now..... I guess I was misunderstanding. Yea, you defiantly don''t want your other half be apprehensive to express his feelings.

 

[Sha]

Date: 6/18/2008 3:46:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/18/2008 3:30:46 PM
Author: HeadOverHeels4James
DD~I'm sorry but I don't see how self help books or therapy has to do with this situation!?!? DD I understand where you are coming from about learning to love yourself; but I wonder what does that have to do with the situation at hand?

Luckily the OP 'gets' what it has to do with the situation at hand.

She's *overreacting* to his casual conversation about cold feet because of her own admitted insecurity & fears that he'll 'discover' she's not good enough for him. HE can't change that. Nothing he can do will ever make her feel more secure if she still thinks there's something secretly wrong with her just waiting to be 'discovered'. SHE has to realize that she *is* 'good enough'. And then they can have open conversations about their fears without her blowing it out of proportion and focusing on all the ways it might go wrong or getting super emotional about the worst-case scenario. The added bonus? She'd be better able to handle a breakup if that *did* ever happen. (Don't think that's the case here ... but geez, even married couples breakup 60% of the time).

The good news is that this isn't a relationship problem where BOTH people need to change. Honestly, he did nothing wrong (IMHO). He was just talking about normal rational fears. He *should* be able to talk about things like that with his future mate. He shouldn't have to tip-toe around her because she's over sensitive. It's something SHE can work on about HERSELF. And make every aspect of her life easier to deal with. That's my opinion.

I totally agree. The OP's reaction to her BF's concerns seemed to be a bit extreme, IMO, and my first thought was that there were some underlying insecurity issues that contributed to such an emotional response. I agree that the OP needs to work on these fears (her BF leaving her/not being good enough) so that she can help herself feel more secure in this relationship or any other future relationships.

 

[HollyS]

You don''t feel good enough? You''re afraid of losing him? Engagement would not have given you that kind of confidence even if he hadn''t been so blunt about his own fears.

Listen to Deco. She said it best.

 

[that_someone_special]

Hi everyone.. thanks for the responses.

I know the way I reacted was terrible. I could feel myself becoming emotional so I locked the doors and rolled up the windows to try to calm down for a moment before crying even more.

After reading these reponses I decided to call him. I asked him what exactly he thought he would get cold feet about. I asked if he thought I was the one for him... He responded that he had no doubt if I was the one for him, he had no doubt if he wanted to be with me, and there was no doubt if he wanted to marry.

He was scared that we might change after getting married. I told him everyone changes. I KNOW this stems from his parents and even his grandparents (I believe his grandpa left his grandma after 50 years of marriage).. so I am going to be more sensitive to these issues. (not crying though) I am going to remind myself that I AM good enough for him, I do anything and everything for him, and he does the same. I need to trust him and I''m only hurting myself if I dont!

Thank you everyone for the responses, I was so worried about him leaving me that I couldn''t even address his worries!! Thank you girls!!!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 6/18/2008 5:12:54 PM
Author: HollyS
You don''t feel good enough? You''re afraid of losing him? Engagement would not have given you that kind of confidence even if he hadn''t been so blunt about his own fears.

Listen to Deco. She said it best.

The more you cling in desperation the more they want to run away. That''s never attractive in anyone. Don''t let your behavior become a self fulfilling prophecy. Ditto to the advice to work on your issues. A confident woman would have smiled at him and said "hmmm, well if that happened I guess I''d have to reevaluate whether you were as smart as I thought you were"

 

[Izzy03]

Good men do love a secure and confident woman, so show him that you are secure and confident in yourself AND your relationship! Good luck!

 

[lamer]

I am an emotional person, and I can have similar trigger reactions when I feel shocked. I think you were just happily blue-skying about your future together, and suddenly it became a serious debate on faith and worry. Your initial shock is understandable, because it came during a time when you felt secure enough to hint about engagement times! But your BF should be applauded for his own honesty and discussing his feelings with you (huge for a guy). It sounds like you two just need to enjoy today and not worry too much about tomorrow. When he feels right, the time in the universe will be right...at least I hope so for you both.

 

[emeraldlover1]

T_S_S... you have a lot of good responses here and I did read that you already had the conversation with your boyfriend however reading your post reminded me of a conversation I had with my bf earlier this year. I knew that my ff was seriously considering the next step when he started having these questions. His main concern is divorce. Everyone in my family is divorced and I think/know that scares him. I was actually glad that he voiced his concerns so that we could deal with them together. One thing we talked about was focusing on the positive. I know it sounds cliche but if you focus on the negative its more likley to happen. I also explained that in the 5 years that I''ve known him I''ve taken every experience good or bad as information to how we will deal with positives and negatives in our lives together. That reassures me that eventhough people change that if we focus on us we can grow and change together.

BTW...I''ve had a lot of the same feelings that you''ve had about being worried that he''ll leave however what comes out of my mouth is, "I know I''m a great catch". He''s never denied that!

My boyfriend sometimes refers to movies as examples. I really hate that because if there is any demographic that gives marrige a bad name its the actors in hollywood. I personally think that may have something to do with their expectations based on movies they''ve been in/seen/read. Its just my perspective but it usually works when explaining it to the bf.

Also, we just bought our stone and are having the ring set. He''s been ready for a long time and looking at rings and couldn''t make a decision so he asked for my help. I then realized that while we were having these conversations he was already engaged in the ring buying process.

I think its natural for people to ask that quesion of themselves. You can turn this into a positive situation and it sounds like you already have. I wouldn''t worry.

 

[choro72]

Oh, I understand how hard it is...I know logically in my mind that I'm a worthy woman to wed the Crown Prince had, I the chance. We all have flaws, but that's what make us unique. It's so easy to let in that self doubt though, and when you do it's important to take a time out like you did here. I'm glad you're calm now. Your BF loves you, and you can be sure of that.