Not invited to a wedding.

[Sweet_Khelli]

I''m not sure where to begin because deep down I know I''m blowing it out of proportion.

BF was recently invited to a wedding (his brother''s friend''s wedding to be exact). I was not invited since they set their wedding guest limit to married and engaged couples only. Therefore, even though I''ve been with this man for almost 7 years I can''t go and he doesn''t understand their reasoning. To top it off he plans on going anyways since he brother is going.

I don''t know if I''m mad because he''s going to the wedding or the fact that I''m still in LIW status.

 

[TravelingGal]

I would be upset if I were you. In fact, a similar thing happened to me, and was the direct cause as to why we decided to get married sooner rather than later.

My friend, who I love dearly, won a very fancy wine dinner at an auction...so chi chi in fact that my well to do friend called it a "once in a lifetime opportunity." She was entitled to invite 8 other guests.

Long story short, something got screwed up where my FI''s (who was just my live in boyfriend back then) spot got taken and there was only spot left. As her best friend, she still wanted me to go...without my boyfriend. With the exception of the guy with no date who took my FI''s spot, everyone else was a married couple.

So I was in a bind. My BF was not happy about this when he found out, because he felt left out, and understandably so. My friend wanted her best friend to be there because she thought that I would enjoy it...and she wanted me to be there because I was more "fun and socially ept". The editor of a popular food magazine was going to be there, and my friend wanted her guests to be...uh...refined. I obviously felt really horrible about enjoying such a "once in a lifetime" opportunity without my BF. When I sat on the phone and hemmed and hawed, she finally kind of snapped and said "Geez...it''s not like you''re married or anything. I would''t even THINK about asking you by yourself if you were married."

Her logic was that I wasn''t tied down with a husband, so I should be able to come out and play. What I heard was that because my boyfriend was not my HUSBAND, that somehow there was less value to our relationship...that if we were married, she would think of us as a unit and not have invited just me alone.

Never mind that he moved all the way across the ocean to be with me and live with me! As far as I was concerned, we were practically married. He was not simply a boyfriend! I asked all of my other friends if I was being irrational and one of them said it best. She said "Oh my god...that is SUCH a Sex and the City moment. Just because you''re not married, your relationship is not as important? How dare she devalue you guys that way?"

I ended up opting not going. Actually, I think my friend was so irritated with my hesitation that she invited her brother and just called me back to say "problem solved." I''m still annoyed about her stupid tunnel vision. On the upside, my FI and I got into a discussion that night (which was heated for awhile because I did try to defend my friend). We sat there drained from the discussion and he said "well, I do want to get married...it''s just so exhausting thinking of all the logistics of getting my family here." And I said "exhausting or not, weddings don''t plan themselves...we either get it started, or it doesn''t happen." He smiled, got up, picked up a pair of yahtzee dice and we rolled for our wedding date right there and then. LOL.

So sorry about the long rant of my own, but I really do understand how you feel. People can be so stupid.

 

[FireGoddess]

It''s a crappy situation for sure. But I would try not to take it personally.

I can see everyone''s point of view here. Having paid for my own wedding, I know what it''s like to have to set guest restrictions and stick to them. And once you start making an exception here or there, more feelings will be hurt in the end and it''s a hassle and not worth it.

I can see your BF wanting to go to his friend''s wedding, even though he knows you should have been invited to go with him. And of course I can see how you would be hurt by not getting invited even though you''ve been together for 7 years. All around, it does suck. But do try not to take it personally...hard as that might be.

 

[Sweet_Khelli]

Date: 9/18/2006 6:19:45 PM
Author: FireGoddess
It''s a crappy situation for sure. But I would try not to take it personally.

I can see everyone''s point of view here. Having paid for my own wedding, I know what it''s like to have to set guest restrictions and stick to them. And once you start making an exception here or there, more feelings will be hurt in the end and it''s a hassle and not worth it.

I can see your BF wanting to go to his friend''s wedding, even though he knows you should have been invited to go with him. And of course I can see how you would be hurt by not getting invited even though you''ve been together for 7 years. All around, it does suck. But do try not to take it personally...hard as that might be.

Truthfully I''m not hurt by not being invited. Up until today I thought we both were not invited. My bf just told me this morning (after the bachelor party this weekend) that he decided to go and that his brother''s friend was very sorry that he couldn''t extend the offer to me as well. A part of me is dissapointed that he is going, even though I know he is going to visit his brother who lives out of town. But the other part of me is mad and somewhat embarrassed that we were even put in this situation and the fact that he doesn''t understand.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/18/2006 6:34:55 PM
Author: Sweet_Khelli

Truthfully I''m not hurt by not being invited. Up until today I thought we both were not invited. My bf just told me this morning (after the bachelor party this weekend) that he decided to go and that his brother''s friend was very sorry that he couldn''t extend the offer to me as well. A part of me is dissapointed that he is going, even though I know he is going to visit his brother who lives out of town. But the other part of me is mad and somewhat embarrassed that we were even put in this situation and the fact that he doesn''t understand.

This really makes sense to me... in the same way that before my fiance and I were engaged, I HATED having to refer to him as my boyfriend in serious situations (like interviews)... it made me feel like a high schooler. YOU know that your relationship is just as significant as any other engaged couple''s, but it sucks that the rest of the world won''t realize that until you actually have a ring on your finger.

My own annoying wedding-story: when we''d been dating for about a year, my fiance got an invitation to his cousin''s wedding... a very elaborate black-tie affair at an embassy in DC... definitely no budget-constraints. Although his mom talked with their family and pointedly mentioned me, they didn''t take the hint, so my fiance went with his parents, without me. It just seemed so tacky to host this huge formal wedding but expect your 26-year-old cousin to leave his serious girlfriend at home, just because she''s a "girlfriend" and not a fiance... ugh.

 

[Larissa]

I understand having to make the cuts myself. Things often get limited to those who are married, engaged, or living together (which, in my mind, is just as serious as marriage).

I wouldn''t be embarrassed. I don''t think the couple makes calls on these type of things and then sits around mocking the relationship for not being "serious" enough...at least I didn''t

The can think of two reasons why your boyfriend wouldn''t understand:

1 - he''s treating this as a "guys night out". It''s his brother (is his brother bringing a date?) and their going to live it up at this wedding.

2 - it''s not his close friends or family leaving you, as a couple, out. It''s his brother''s bestfriend...no relation to you, nothing to do with you in his mind. If it was your friends or family, your partner would treat it differently...I assume.

 

[Sweet_Khelli]

Date: 9/18/2006 8:56:52 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 9/18/2006 6:34:55 PM
Author: Sweet_Khelli

Truthfully I''m not hurt by not being invited. Up until today I thought we both were not invited. My bf just told me this morning (after the bachelor party this weekend) that he decided to go and that his brother''s friend was very sorry that he couldn''t extend the offer to me as well. A part of me is dissapointed that he is going, even though I know he is going to visit his brother who lives out of town. But the other part of me is mad and somewhat embarrassed that we were even put in this situation and the fact that he doesn''t understand.

This really makes sense to me... in the same way that before my fiance and I were engaged, I HATED having to refer to him as my boyfriend in serious situations (like interviews)... it made me feel like a high schooler. YOU know that your relationship is just as significant as any other engaged couple''s, but it sucks that the rest of the world won''t realize that until you actually have a ring on your finger.

My own annoying wedding-story: when we''d been dating for about a year, my fiance got an invitation to his cousin''s wedding... a very elaborate black-tie affair at an embassy in DC... definitely no budget-constraints. Although his mom talked with their family and pointedly mentioned me, they didn''t take the hint, so my fiance went with his parents, without me. It just seemed so tacky to host this huge formal wedding but expect your 26-year-old cousin to leave his serious girlfriend at home, just because she''s a ''girlfriend'' and not a fiance... ugh.

I started a new job back in May and I hated saying my boyfriend because then came the questions...

How long have you been together?

Oh Really that''s a long time, your not engaged yet?

Well do you plan on getting married to him?

Ugh...I just want to learn how to do my job not be interrogated about my relationship status and why he will or will not propose to me after 6 years.

 

[Sweet_Khelli]

Date: 9/19/2006 4:29:48 AM
Author: Larissa
I understand having to make the cuts myself. Things often get limited to those who are married, engaged, or living together (which, in my mind, is just as serious as marriage).

I wouldn''t be embarrassed. I don''t think the couple makes calls on these type of things and then sits around mocking the relationship for not being ''serious'' enough...at least I didn''t

The can think of two reasons why your boyfriend wouldn''t understand:

1 - he''s treating this as a ''guys night out''. It''s his brother (is his brother bringing a date?) and their going to live it up at this wedding.

2 - it''s not his close friends or family leaving you, as a couple, out. It''s his brother''s bestfriend...no relation to you, nothing to do with you in his mind. If it was your friends or family, your partner would treat it differently...I assume.

He''s brother is actually in the wedding and required to bring a date (even though he isn''t dating anyone...ha!) so I doubt there will be a "guys night out". We aren''t particularly close to the couple, which is one of the reasons I''m not too upset about not being invited to the wedding, and I agree the reason why he probably doesn''t understand.

I''m just tired of the questions and having to validate my relationship. I just feel like telling everyone: Yes, its not moving as fast as I want it to. No, I don''t need a reminder, suggestions or opinions on it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[jesterjigger]

Why is the brother required to bring a date? Why can''t he just bring you as a date since he''s not even dating anyone? Then you can spend the evening with bf still...

 

[galeteia]

Date: 9/19/2006 8:41:53 PM
Author: jesterjigger
Why is the brother required to bring a date? Why can''t he just bring you as a date since he''s not even dating anyone? Then you can spend the evening with bf still...

Oooh, clever!

 

[Larissa]

He''s *required* to bring a date? Good god, if anyone required me to bring a date I''d probably end up ditching that person in favor of hangin out with my sibling. Sounds like the couple went a bit -zillaish to require a date.

 

[DMBsGirl]

omg, i am in the same situation! my college friend is getting married and only friends who were engaged were allowed to bring a guest (i have been with my boyfriend for 8 yrs! since i was 18!!). i understand she had to cut the invite list down somewhere, but my frustration with it stems from the fact that it''s a reminder that i am NOT engaged. sucks

 

[monarch64]

Sweet Khelli, sorry to hear you are in this position! It''s unfortunate that this couple had to cut back on their guest list in this way. I know when I got married we had to make a few cuts here and there, for money-saving reasons, but we tried to be accomodating to all of our single friends at the same time...

For example, when we first wrote up our guest list, we knew who was single, and whether they were dating anyone at the time...if they were "casually" dating, we still included "and guest" on the invitation envelope. We didn''t want anyone to feel like they couldn''t bring whoever they were seeing at the time! However, we were one of those couple who, when we met, weren''t considered "serious" for a few months when we were dating. (We met at a bar, I was on a date with someone else, he was with a friend, and things progressed from us just locking eyes when he walked into the bar, lol!) Anyway, we were particularly empathatic (if that''s a word) to those who might have been involved without being serious at the time of our wedding! DH and I both had a lot of single friends who were dating people but weren''t considered "serious" in our eyes, but we knew there was always potential for all of those couples...or maybe between any of them mixed together in a wedding situation there may have been a "OMG, he/she''s the one" moment, like we had!

In your case, you have been together many years and it sounds to me as if you fall into the "serious" couple category! I don''t understand myself why this couple chose to exlude you, but look on the bright side--at least you don''t have to worry about a gift, a new dress, etc! And if I were you, I''d certainly remember this when you get married, lol! There will come a day when it''s your chance to be selective, and you can make a decision then whether you will include either half of this couple who''s ticked you off in your guest list!

I would say definitely "allow" your BF to go to this wedding... if you don''t it will just make you look hurt and sullen!

My suggestion would be to make specific arrangements with him for right after the reception meal is served...get dressed up and ask him to meet you at a special location (maybe somewhere you''ve shared drinks together before, or maybe even at home)--turn it into a couple''s night for the two of you! First of all, he will likely be a little more inclined towards romance after having witnessed a wedding/reception, and second, he will know you are missing him and want to spend some romantic time with him! Put on your favorite (or his favorite) dress/lingerie/etc. and turn the night into a positive for you as a couple.

 

[Julian]

That happened to me, too!

Except my guy's college buddy cut down the number of guests because his wife-to-be was terribly insecure and didn't want YOUNG UNMARRIED WOMEN at her wedding!!!! Even though... news flash...she was getting married to him! And he really loved her!

I felt like that was kind of devaluing our relationship as well. We had been together for a few years by then and were on the verge of getting engaged. So it was just a matter of weeks, really. But even so, no invite for me!

So my DH decided not to go. I mean, in his mind, we were a unit.

But don't get too upset with your dear fiance-to-be. Another one of our friends was in a similar situation and he ended up going. And they got engaged about 2 months later! She was irritated about the invite policy but didn't mind. And he is a WONDERFUL AWESOME husband-to-be. He adores her and worships her.

So just because he goes, it doesn't mean he doesn't see you as his wife. Maybe he's just being a guy or wants to honor that friendship even though his friend is a lunkhead.