Not just a job...i''m a professional woman. Getting hitched.

[charbie]

So I''m dealing with this. I went to college for a reason. I want to be a professional woman. I''m going to be a nursing home administrator. This is a 24-7 career. Not a job. A career. FI is an engineer. He works pretty normal hours. I have varying hours, and a big part of my job is networking and entertaining...which happens later in the evening and often involves a few drinks. FI is not adjusting to this well. He has always known my career can be 5 hours one day and 13 hours the next, but is not getting that I have to spend time actually working on the golf course or at that bar...I''m not just having a great time, I''m "working" with to other people. How have others handled this???? Its getting worse and I''m scared it might hurt us as a couple, especially as I gain more clients.

 

[panda08]

What is it about your career that your FI isn''t adjusting well to? The amount of time you''re working? The times when you''re not home in the evenings? That you''re having drinks and otherwise entertaining clients? And whatever he''s not adjusting well to, has he said what it is that that bothers him?

 

[sba771]

I am really sorry you are going through this. The same thing happened to me. I have no advice, but since you asked how others handled it I will tell you what I did, although I realize many would not do what I did. I changed jobs within the same field. To be honest for me all the partying that went with my job got old really fast and the jealousy and tension it created was not worth it for me especially considering what my salary was at the time. If I kept the job I know I would not have been able to stay with my FI and for me, that was a job deal breaker. I ended up finding a GREAT job with much more stable hours and benefits although the occasional working weekend or night until midnight, they were a lot less often. You should really talk to your FI though. I spoke with my FI and I saw his reasons which swayed me into making a decision. If his reasons had been something different (not the jealousy and worry) I would have considered staying at the job. Many your FI is worried you are just working too much and will burn out or be taken advantage of and work too much.

 

[bee*]

Is it the partying that he''s not comfortable with or the different hours/working evenings? I work evenings myself so by the time I get home I''m usually shattered and am not up for going out or staying up for long. D''s being very supportive though as he knows that it''s bringing some money into the house and we try and do something nice on the weekends that I''m not working. Maybe try and plan one evening or morning a week where the two of you can spend some quality time.

 

[mayachel]

How feasible is it to make some of those evenings "partner included"? My Fiance has at least an event a week with either a client or coworkers (usually higher ups) that he *must* attend. Sometimes I am jealous (of the time they get him for), because the other nights he is often working late...9:30 is considered an "average" "reasonable" time to come home. What helps, is that usually a minimum of once a month or so, spouses are actively encouraged to attend and welcome. Figure many do have a partner who would rather their love was at home with them. It''s just good work relations. I think this has gone by the wayside as business try to cut expenses. However for anyone in a position to make change...the business world "should" want to foster a happy home environment. It makes for better workers, who don''t leave their job for one that does support the rest of their life.

 

[noelwr]

I have to do a lot of traveling for work. it''s not nice for FI being the one who has to stay home alone, even though when I''m away I''m working my ass off and not having the time of life. and of course when I get home I''m exhausted from traveling, but I remind myself what I''ve put FI through and make the extra effort to spend time alone together. you just need to do that little extra when you are together to make up for the times you''re not. and now I argue when they ask me to travel that I need proof that it can''t be done via telcon or VC.

and you are right, it''s NOT going to get better if you''re going to get more clients and be away from home even more nights. I think you need to re-evaluate what is most important to you and pick one. sometimes you just can''t have both.

 

[ficklefaye]

Date: 8/13/2009 1:38:51 AM
Author:charbie
So I''m dealing with this. I went to college for a reason. I want to be a professional woman. I''m going to be a nursing home administrator. This is a 24-7 career. Not a job. A career. FI is an engineer. He works pretty normal hours. I have varying hours, and a big part of my job is networking and entertaining...which happens later in the evening and often involves a few drinks. FI is not adjusting to this well. He has always known my career can be 5 hours one day and 13 hours the next, but is not getting that I have to spend time actually working on the golf course or at that bar...I''m not just having a great time, I''m ''working'' with to other people. How have others handled this???? Its getting worse and I''m scared it might hurt us as a couple, especially as I gain more clients.

i''m sorry to hear what you are going through, charbie. FI is considering a position that would involve irregular hours and ''schmoozing'' with clients, i know that he will be making a lot more money doing this, but part of me isn''t sure i would be that happy about it, i''ve left the ultimate decision to him, but i''ve shared my thoughts about the time we''ll be spending apart and that if we ever decided to have kids that he wouldn''t be around as much, he is taking all this into consideration

have you and FI discussed all this? is this the job you had when you and FI were dating? at least it''s nice to know that FI misses you when you aren''t around

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/13/2009 2:34:14 AM
Author: panda08
What is it about your career that your FI isn''t adjusting well to? The amount of time you''re working? The times when you''re not home in the evenings? That you''re having drinks and otherwise entertaining clients? And whatever he''s not adjusting well to, has he said what it is that that bothers him?

It''s kind of weird, because he has said that he would be perfectly content if one day he stays at home with kids while I got to work- yet doesn''t realize that this is part of my job. I don''t think its necessarily the amount of time that I''m working that gets him upset, its what we are doing. I''m hoping that if I''m golfing, he can be a part of it; if its a dinner, I''d love it if he can come as well. I think he''s scared that I''m going to be drinking and then coming home late.

i think that answers your questions panda.

sba: to be honest, i think the "partying" will actually be slowing down a lot, its going to hopefully turn more into lunches or dinners as i move up in my career. currently i''m doing admissions and marketing in the nursing home, which is much more about the "schmoooozing."- so i''m hopefully going to move up a bit. however, moving up means more time spent in the office, not entertaining...which is boring but probably more "acceptable" for FI.

bee: its great to have such a supportive man! i know FI will be...i think he just has to adjust and i do as well.

mayachel: i''m really going to try to do that more. if its golf, there should be no reason he couldn''t come with us. hes a very good businessman himself, and hopefully if he is able to meet the people i''m working with, he will be more comfortable with the time i have to spend away with them. i agree that it should be worked into the calendar, and seeing as i''m the one who gets to set the calendar, i''m going to make that effort. thanks for the idea!

noelwr: but what if i want both!?!

jk. i get what you mean. for me obviously FI is the most important, and i will always say that my family is going to come first. my job is very important to me, and its something i feel a great "calling" towards. my hope is to find some mentors in my field who HAVE done the family and career thing and see how they do it best. hopefully FI will give a little if i give a little. luckily i don''t have to travel much- he travels actually more often than i do for work! and good for you standing up and not traveling if you dont feel its required!

ff: this is the job i had, but as i get more into it, and as i move up towards becoming an administrator, more time is required of me. like i said, its weird because he has said he would like to be a stay at home father...so i really would need to put in the extra effort if we have a one income household. i think we are going to sit down either tonight or this weekend and set up some ground rules, as that''s something we never have done...we''ve just taken it one night at a time when i have to be out.

THANKS EVERYONE!

 

[ficklefaye]

that''s great, charbie. i''m sure it''s just a transition period since you are moving up in position. good luck with your career, you seem to really enjoy it

 

[cocolaw]

my fiance has to do a small amount of that and i am always very encouraging. in fact, i want him to enjoy himself while he is networking or socializing. i think that i sort of came to that place on my own though-that is a very hard thing for you to tell your fiance "i want you to want me to go to the bar after work and have fun doing it!" i guess if my situation were reversed, i would probably try to really encourage my fiance in his career, explain to him the importance of networking in mine, and hope that he would be as supportive! i know how delicate this subject is! good luck!

 

[charbie]

congrats on your 1,000th post, ff! yay for you!

 

[panda08]

Ooh, sorry Charbie, I didn''t mean to sound like I''m grilling you! Hopefully, you can incorporate him in some of your outings. Change is often difficult but over time, I''m sure if he sees how happy and fulfilled you are, he will be more supportive. Good luck!

 

[honey22]

This is a tough situation. I don''t know how you would come to a resolution. I guess he needs to be more accepting of your irregular hours, and you could make a commitment to only working the hours you absolutely have to, and finding quality time for him as much as possible. I guess in the end, what is more important to you? Your FI or your job? It may get to the stage that you have to compromise somewhere, and only you can make that decision.

To be totally honest, I am sure I am naive about the whole situation, but I don''t see how being a nursing home administrator requires you to spend time at the bar entertaining clients? I am not trying to be sarcastic, but maybe your FI feels the same way and doesn''t totally understand what your position entails.

Also, it''s good to keep in mind, that although it''s a career and it''s very important for you, your job shouldnt'' be the main focus of your life IMHO. Family comes first for me. I don''t want to be lying there on my deathbed and looking back at my life and realise that I spent too much time at the office and not living life. Just some food for thought.

 

[SassyB]

Date: 8/13/2009 5:49:56 PM
Author: honey22
This is a tough situation. I don''t know how you would come to a resolution. I guess he needs to be more accepting of your irregular hours, and you could make a commitment to only working the hours you absolutely have to, and finding quality time for him as much as possible. I guess in the end, what is more important to you? Your FI or your job? It may get to the stage that you have to compromise somewhere, and only you can make that decision.

To be totally honest, I am sure I am naive about the whole situation, but I don''t see how being a nursing home administrator requires you to spend time at the bar entertaining clients? I am not trying to be sarcastic, but maybe your FI feels the same way and doesn''t totally understand what your position entails.

Also, it''s good to keep in mind, that although it''s a career and it''s very important for you, your job shouldnt'' be the main focus of your life IMHO. Family comes first for me. I don''t want to be lying there on my deathbed and looking back at my life and realise that I spent too much time at the office and not living life. Just some food for thought.

I''m not really understanding either!

Honey - I agree with so many of your points here

 

[ficklefaye]

Date: 8/13/2009 3:54:39 PM
Author: charbie
congrats on your 1,000th post, ff! yay for you!

oh gosh, thanks, charbie. i just noticed that. i think it''s been all the posting on BWW.

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/13/2009 5:49:56 PM
Author: honey22
This is a tough situation. I don''t know how you would come to a resolution. I guess he needs to be more accepting of your irregular hours, and you could make a commitment to only working the hours you absolutely have to, and finding quality time for him as much as possible. I guess in the end, what is more important to you? Your FI or your job? It may get to the stage that you have to compromise somewhere, and only you can make that decision.

To be totally honest, I am sure I am naive about the whole situation, but I don''t see how being a nursing home administrator requires you to spend time at the bar entertaining clients? I am not trying to be sarcastic, but maybe your FI feels the same way and doesn''t totally understand what your position entails.

Also, it''s good to keep in mind, that although it''s a career and it''s very important for you, your job shouldnt'' be the main focus of your life IMHO. Family comes first for me. I don''t want to be lying there on my deathbed and looking back at my life and realise that I spent too much time at the office and not living life. Just some food for thought.

It''s mostly vendors, and sometimes it is a vendor entertaining me, or me entertaining a vendor. We have to entertain doctors, specialists, and social workers. I understand how that could sound questionable though! and it isnt every day either. and it isn''t always a bar, it might be a restaurant, it might be a sporting event...there are a lot of different things out there. it''s basically marketing.

plus, i have a lot of other events at the nursing home which can make my hours different. family nights, marketing events...it can bring you away from home. yesterday happened to be a bar night, so thats why i think that was what was sticking in my head.