Not new but....

[onedrop]

new to LIW...

And really I am not a lady in waiting per se. I don''t know how or when I will receive my enagement ring, but it is in the works!!! I don''t think I could be any happier at this point!!!

In response to a request from Travelinggal I decided to build up enough courage to post my "story" here. I had commented a few days ago on a different thread about how our stories are similar and she asked for more info, so here goes....

I met my guy a couple of years ago during a volunteer trip overseas with a non-profit group. He was our building project manager. Things started off innocently enough. I really saw him as more of a friend then anything else (mostly because he looked like an old boyfriend), but somewhere along the way things changed. Long story short I stayed longer than the original two weeks that that trip was intended. And the rest is history. For the last couple of years we have been exhausting all forms of communication and logging frequent flier miles. It had gotten to the point where a decision needed to be made. Funny enough I was the one struggling with that. But I decided that I can''t live without him so here we are...

Long distance is hard enough, but international LD is something else entirely. Along the way we have experienced a great deal of separation anxiety, questioning (from others), tears, joy, but mostly a lot of love and understanding. We have different cultures and faiths but seem to make it work, despite those challenges. He will (keep your fingers) crossed be here next year and we will marry after he gets established.

I am on the older side of 30 so I have had my share of experiences, and at this point I am very sure of what I want. And before meeting him I had really come to a point where I was okay with it just being *me.* But it''s funny how when you make plans like that, something, or in my case someone can come along to change all of that. It''s true that we will ahve to deal with the bureaucratic red tape that comes with being with a national of another country and the subsequent adjustment time, but I am ready. And mostly for me it just feels right! And I am very very excited!

Thanks for letting me share....

 

[TravelingGal]

Hey onedrop, thanks for posting your story!

I''d love to know what countries you two are from, and which visa he is pursuing. In the U.S., it so hard to get visas - work or otherwise. My FI won the greencard lottery.

Yeah, I used to think long distance was long distance, regardless of what that distance was. Whether you lived a 3 hour drive away or a 3 hour flight away, you still couldn''t be with the one you love. Of course, a long distance relationship from Los Angeles to Adelaide, Australia changed my mind in a jiffy! No possible weekend visits, not even long weekends! Finding times to call each other was tough, because by the time he was at the end of his day, it was often past my bedtime!

So you have my sympathies, and it sounds like exciting things are on the horizon...hooray!

 

[onedrop]

He is from Senegal W. Africa atually. And i am here in the US. In the past I knew nothing of immigration law, but it seems I am becoming an expert.

We went through the gamut of visa possibilities and it seems the fiance is the best. You are so lucky with the greencard lotto. Even though we are doing the fiance visa, I think he is going to try for the Diversity as well, the dates are coming soon. Applying for one does not impact the other it seems.

I could totally understand what you were saying in one of your posts about breaking up if the diveristy lotto didn''t work. We have been there many times. But we decided together that the fiance is the best for us. The down side is the 3-month time frame that you must be married in. Since we are ready for that step it''s not so much pressure, but more time would be great.

You stories have given me some comfort. I know there will be transition issues, but the real impact will not be felt until he actually arrives.

 

[galeteia]

I''m so glad to read your story!

I am facing the same situation myself: I am a Canadian, and my FF is a US citizen who just mailed off our K-1 petition (the I-129f petition for foreign fiance) yesterday!

We did a lot of agonizing over what options were available to us, and eventually decided our best option was the K-1, despite the risks.

If you want to read the ongoing saga of said frustrations, my thread is here. So I potently sympathize with your situation. Anytime you feel the need to vent, you have an empathetic ear in me.

On that thread, TravellingGal (my heroine!) linked me to VisaJourney.com which is the best place to get all your marriage visa-related questions answered. Like you, I had to become an expert in immigration details, and this site was invaluable. Not sure if you have already come across VJ, but I cannot rave enough about it.

I think in some ways a LD international relationship is a ''trial by fire'' for a relationship, because you are facing not just leaving your family and friends, but your country and the rules (legal, cultural) that you have ingrained in you. It takes an extra dose of faith in the relationship and in one another.

Please keep us posted!

 

[Larissa]

I''m another visa person! All the red tape and having to prove your relationship over and over again is fun, huh? Good luck

 

[onedrop]

Ladies: thanks for the support!! I am amazed to find out how many people are in the same situation. Of course I am hoping for the best with this process, but red tape can be a pain in the you-know-what. Thanks for allowing me the forum and time to vent. I am thinking that if we make it through all of this, our relationship will be the stronger for it. Maybe it is a bit polyanna of me, but hey I am an optimist!

Galateia: I remember reading your story as well. And thanks for the visajourney website, I will be definitely heading over there to find out more info! Good luck with your petition. We will be filing as soon as I get my end together, hopefully by the end of the week. We must keep each other posted on the progress.

Larissa: I can''t say that I am happy that you are in the same situation...but it helps to know there are others out there. Keep us informed! Are you doing the K-1 or another type? Either way I wish you the best. I guess we can virtually hold each other''s hand through this!

 

[galeteia]

Any of you ladies have/had a problem with your man being ill-suited for paperwork? Mine keeps trying to convince me that ''everything will be okay'' as if US immigration is populated with warm fuzzy people who just want to help bring foreigners into the US.

I''ve found myself saying "You aren''t paranoid enough. You cannot be too paranoid when it comes to paperwork like this!" Sometimes I just want to throttle him... he''s never experienced a situation where failure to be proactive with paperwork has resulted in a face-plant of epic proportions. This tends to colour our exchanges a little, because I have!

I''m terrified that we don''t have enough ''primary'' evidence. At least you have all of those airline tickets and passport stamps, Onedrop!

What''s your story, Larissa? Is there a thread anywhere with it?

 

[onedrop]

I have to say I am facing the same issue with the paperwork. I am "paranoid" and I want everything to be perfect so there are no problems. He is more laid back about it. Maybe it''s a man thing. The evidence part though is what most concerns me. I do have passport stamps and tickets and pictures. Hopefully that will suffice. It is funny that you do not go into your relationship thinking "I need to document all of our trips/moments together so we can prove to XYZ goverment that we are really a couple." I''ll just be glad to get the package in the mail!!

Galateia: I went to that website that you suggested. Good stuff! Thanks.

 

[TravelingGal]

Glad the website was good for you Galateia! I have never used visajourney myself, so I wasn''t sure how reliable it would be. The DV board I used is no longer there, which is a bummer, but another website was born from it and a lot of "graduates" from DV 2005 still frequent it. We left quite an online legacy for Diversity Visa hopefuls in Australia and New Zealand, as I compiled all the stories and asked they be posted for posterity. If you want for grins, you can check it out at http://www.clalar.dk/dv-lottery/oc-region-lottery/. My screen name on that site is "Curious". You''ll find even though it''s not for fiance visas, a lot of the things end up being the same.

And I AGREE...man oh MAN, after my experience with the U.S. consulate in Sydney, I NEVER want to deal with the government again. The only reason we absolutely got through that interview is because I was completely PARANOID about getting it all right...my FI, as all yours seem to be, was far less paranoid (until I kept reading to him all the people that didn''t get the visa due to not following directions). The frustrating thing was the the goverment docs weren''t consistent! We got two lists describing what order our paperwork needed to be in...both different. ARGH! And if you want to know how crazy it got, there was a whole (amusing) thread on my old board on what color paperclips we should use...metal or multicolored. So believe me, you are not as paranoid as some of us got!!!

One DV winner who came all the way from NYC to Sydney because he wanted to do a consulate interview instead of AOS (which by the way I am warning anyone, can be a serious clusterf*ck) was told he had to come back because the names on his passport (first, middle, last) did not match IDENTICALLY with his birthcertificate (first, middle, MIDDLE, last). This was actually the SECOND time the guy won the DV lottery...the first time he did not make it through because he chose to go the AOS route.

That being said, if you do all your research, you will find that it''s easy enough to dot all your i''s and cross your t''s. The U.S. gov is not out to get you...they are just paper pushers and everything must be in line, and guidelines must be followed. HOWEVER, if you do ready my experience on the link I posted above, I do believe they are human beings, and there is subjectivity involved. My FI wore a full suit to his DV interview. A BIG glitch happened that day, but we still managed to get approved. I still remember crying when we got down to the lobby and feeling weak in the knees, and thanking God that I would never have to go through that again!!!! I felt physically sick to my stomach sitting in that room realizing that one individual had the power of changing our lives for better or for worse...it''s truly a frightening and humbling place to be.

Onedrop, there was a bill going around that would end the DV lottery. It''s a small clause of the more controversial one that got press a few months ago about making illegal immigration a crime. Not sure what the status is, but there was a lot of uncertainty a few months ago if there would be a DV2008. Just keep your eyes peeled....entry usually opens up late october or november sometime and closes early in december. It was truly amazing that we won it on first try.

Good luck gals! You are going through a process that probably not many in your own lives can relate to, so it''s wonderful to find support groups online. I met two gals through my DV board, and they are coming to a bridal tea my FMIL is hosting when she gets here.

 

[onedrop]

I think I will check out your thread Travelinggal. It is mind-boggling that things like how papers are ordered and the type of ink you use can make a difference in a decision. It''s downright scary actually. On second thought I might read your stories AFTER we file.

I have tried to adopt a Zen mentality when it comes to this thing. Otherwise I wil drive HIM and myself crazy!!! And to be sure I talked with an immigration attorney just to know what types of roadblocks we could face in the timeline of filing the application, getting approval and then him going to his interview. The interview is the part I am a little shaky on (only because I cannot control that...hahaha). I just pray this time next year we will be through the hardest part.

Travlin: you are so right about others not being able to identify. Luckily it seems I have found a little support system here!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/13/2006 8:43:19 PM
Author: onedrop
I think I will check out your thread Travelinggal. It is mind-boggling that things like how papers are ordered and the type of ink you use can make a difference in a decision. It''s downright scary actually. On second thought I might read your stories AFTER we file.

I have tried to adopt a Zen mentality when it comes to this thing. Otherwise I wil drive HIM and myself crazy!!! And to be sure I talked with an immigration attorney just to know what types of roadblocks we could face in the timeline of filing the application, getting approval and then him going to his interview. The interview is the part I am a little shaky on (only because I cannot control that...hahaha). I just pray this time next year we will be through the hardest part.

Travlin: you are so right about others not being able to identify. Luckily it seems I have found a little support system here!

Oh, don''t worry about it TOO much (I know, easier said than done). My story isn''t too scary...just odds and ends that anyone going to the Sydney consulate would want to know (like filling into the elevator last means you get out first and get started sooner!)

You''re lucky you can afford the advice of an attorney. We probably could have, but I found such good info on online message boards that I decided to forego it. So instead of money, I spent countless hours reading posts from the once-live DV board until my eyes crossed. An attorney would have saved me that hassle, but I wanted to be well versed myself, because even though the interview was nervewracking, I felt the most confident I could under the circumstances.

International long distance is so fraught with all kinds of issues. I don''t suppose now would be the time to tell you that the visa process actually ends up being the easiest thing? LOL. On that very special day that he comes over, see if you can''t find lots of good expat sites for him where you can find goods that remind him of home. I discovered aussieproducts.com and found out all the local shops where they import Tim Tams and Australian beer (no, NOT fosters...bleech. We actually found his hometime brew of Coopers Pale Ale at Bristol Farms!)

My FI had to learn how to drive on the right, take a trip down to the scary social security office, etc etc.

You just gotta keep a sense of humor about it all, and be flexible. And when the excitement wears off that he is finally here, remind yourself from time to time how much he sacrificed to be with you (especialy when he is being a pain in the a**!)

 

[bstraszheim]

It is hard, nerve-wracking, but worth it. I am South African and my husband is a US Citizen. Thankfully we got married in 1998, so before they really cracked down on immigration. My mom is Italian, so I came in on a visa waiver, and pretty much never left. It is *not* the way it is supposed to be done, but they pretty much can''t kick you out (unless the laws have changed since 199 because you are the spouse of an American Citizen. We went through a *fantastic* immigration attorney (a real stand up guy who won''t help those who marry solely for a green card, only for real love marriages) and the $1000 we spent on him for Resident Alien status, and then further down the line for my naturalization were worth every, single penny.

It is very hard working a long distance relationship, but in a way it makes it so much sweeter when it comes to fruition!

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/13/2006 9:13:52 PM
Author: Bridget S.
It is hard, nerve-wracking, but worth it. I am South African and my husband is a US Citizen. Thankfully we got married in 1998, so before they really cracked down on immigration. My mom is Italian, so I came in on a visa waiver, and pretty much never left. It is *not* the way it is supposed to be done, but they pretty much can''t kick you out (unless the laws have changed since 199 because you are the spouse of an American Citizen. We went through a *fantastic* immigration attorney (a real stand up guy who won''t help those who marry solely for a green card, only for real love marriages) and the $1000 we spent on him for Resident Alien status, and then further down the line for my naturalization were worth every, single penny.

It is very hard working a long distance relationship, but in a way it makes it so much sweeter when it comes to fruition!

I wish you well,

Bridget

Bridget, a male cousin of mine married an Australian girl (seems to run in our family, this love for Aussies). She came as a tourist and never left. Even though it''s not the way it''s supposed to be done, it''s a faster way to be together. If the resident can support the immigrant, I think it works, but the problem is if you come over like that, it takes time to get the paperwork done. I think it took my cousin in law 9 months to get a work permit (not even her visa). That''s a long time to have a single income for two people, and not the most calming way to start a marriage.

Glad it worked out for you!

 

[bstraszheim]

Bridget, a male cousin of mine married an Australian girl (seems to run in our family, this love for Aussies). She came as a tourist and never left. Even though it''s not the way it''s supposed to be done, it''s a faster way to be together. If the resident can support the immigrant, I think it works, but the problem is if you come over like that, it takes time to get the paperwork done. I think it took my cousin in law 9 months to get a work permit (not even her visa). That''s a long time to have a single income for two people, and not the most calming way to start a marriage.

Glad it worked out for you!

TravelingGal, every thing you just said! It easily took that long to get my work permit and it was hard living on a single income, but worth it to be together! I don''t think I would have done it differently now.

I would like to address something that hasn''t really been mentioned. For the person who is moving to the new country, see if the person who already lives there can get info on a club, or friends or something from the "new" person''s old home. My first year was really a terribly depressing time. Yes, I was with my love. I was also in a country where suddenly I had to choose between 12 types of milk (my first shopping experience was terrible, in SA we have three types of milk. Whole milk, Skim Milk, Fat Free. That''s it. I was so overwhelmed by the 1%, 2%, lactose free????? Organic. Uggghhhh) I had no idea where to go to buy stuff, even which store to go to. NO familiarity. Not knowing which streets go where. You get the drift. It would have been great to have some sort of connection with other people.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[onedrop]

I retract my statement about the visa being the easy part.

Both of you ladies are right when you talk about the adjustment period. I''ve already started to look into finding those comfort zone things to help M ease the home-sickness thing. We have already talked about that. I had a bout of it during a long visit with him. I have spent a significant amount of time in his country without friends (at the beginning) so I am sure I can empathize with what he will be dealing with. Luckily he has some family and friends here as well, so I am sure that will be of even more comfort.

Actually I was able to get a *free* consultation through a referral. An attorney acquaintance gave me a hook up. It is waaaayyy too expensive to hire an attorney for this process. However for the other part AFTER he gets here, maybe. That part seems a bit more treacherous.

Travelinggal: You have given me SO much good advice and now Bridget S. as well! I am so lucky. Thanks for prodding into spilling my beans.

I do appreciate what M is doing for us (more than he really will ever know). And I will draw on that during those tough times.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well it''s kind of an anxiety ridden time (I used to have nightmares) so I think it''s important to find support!

And I just wanted to encourage you gals...I would think that the fiance visa is the easiest way to get in. You have a U.S. citizen who wants to marry you (or you are a citizen who wants to marry someone), so that''s gotta mean something to the government! with the DV lottery, anyone could apply and win, so they really want to know who the heck you are before they let you in. As long as you/he pass the medicals and security checks, you all should be fine.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/13/2006 9:27:54 PM
Author: Bridget S.

I would like to address something that hasn''t really been mentioned. For the person who is moving to the new country, see if the person who already lives there can get info on a club, or friends or something from the ''new'' person''s old home. My first year was really a terribly depressing time. Yes, I was with my love. I was also in a country where suddenly I had to choose between 12 types of milk (my first shopping experience was terrible, in SA we have three types of milk. Whole milk, Skim Milk, Fat Free. That''s it. I was so overwhelmed by the 1%, 2%, lactose free????? Organic. Uggghhhh) I had no idea where to go to buy stuff, even which store to go to. NO familiarity. Not knowing which streets go where. You get the drift. It would have been great to have some sort of connection with other people.

I wish you well,

Bridget

LOL Bridget! A friend of ours came over from Oz to visit and said the same thing...that the amount of choice we had was mindboggling! I think he nearly took photos in the cereal section! And then I took them to costco and they freaked out that everything was so BIG.

Yeah, I understand with the streets. My FI had trial by fire....he got a job 8 weeks in, and he''s a technician so he has to drive around L.A. streets in our TRAFFIC!

I gave him a Thomas Guide and just crossed my fingers. He knows surface streets better than me now.

It''s amazing when I look at our lives now because it just feels so normal...but once in awhile I remind myself of how hard it was for him those first few weeks/months...and I thought he adjusted well. The funny thing is once we find things available here that are from Oz...he doesn''t seem to need/want it anymore. Must be a mental thing.

 

[bstraszheim]

Oh I TOTALLY forgot about being quite overwhelmed by how BIG everything was!! 6 lane highways, seriously??? 6 lanes?? Supermarkets, servings in restaurants! It''s pretty amazing how quickly we become used to things.

Galateia, I don''t think that INS is full of warm, fuzzy people. But I do think that they have enough experience to see a couple who is in the warm glow of being just married and be able to tell them apart from the fake marriages. I remember when we went for our first interview, we were so nervous, laden down with our "proof" and 3 photo albums and in the seats behind us, there was an attorney coaching a couple about how they met. Um??? Surely you both have the same recollection of how you met, unless it was a mail order bride??

One thing that our attorney advised us on, was have lots of photos - they create a history of your relationship. NOT just the wedding, but you with friends, you at the zoo, you at Grand Canyon, you get the idea. Establish a history of your life. : )

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[onedrop]

I think the amount of CHOICES will be the biggest things for M to deal with. You can explain it to someone but until they actually see it, there will not be full appreciation. I mean how many different choices of milk/yogurt/cereal does one need????

It seems the fiance visa is a great alternative. And from what I can tell very staight forward. The only thing is you need to be sure that you are ready to get married soon after his/her arrival. I think Galateia was concerned about that. Feasibly she could stay after the three month time limit (I am sure that many people do) but as you ladies have pointed out, getting the proper documentation is a problem.

Bridget: The attorney was "coaching" the folks behind you? Very interesting. Sounds suspicious to me. Where I live they just recently busted a fradulent marriage ring, where the people were meeting sometimes for the first time, the DAY of the wedding!! An observant court clerk noticed this trend. I think there were almost 1,000 marriages performed with this ring of people. I say all that to say: if you married because of love, you really don''t need to do much convincing during the change of status interview. The proof is all over your faces.

Now I need to think about planning a wedding....I am heading over to those threads now. Starting with the one about over 30 bridal "blues."

Travelinggal didn''t you start that one?? LOL! I am happy to be getting married but the whole hoopla I am NOT ready for!

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL, the more I read this, the more I think we''re all crazy! Would our lives been easier if we fell in love with one of our own countrymen? But it guess it wouldn''t have been as interesting...

Bridget, my FI absolutely FREAKED over the 6 lane highways here in L.A...and freaked even more that all six lanes were packed with traffic.

I could go on and on about things that threw him off. The size of some trucks/SUVs. And wait service. He HATES how restaurants operate here (and after being in Europe, I can agree with him.) The "in and out" attitude, and the constant INTERRUPTIONS in the middle of our sentences! "Is everything ok?" "More wine for you sir?" I know there are some Americans who hate this as well. There are reasons that at our more high end restaurants the staff is seen and not heard (sometimes they are so good, they''re not even seen!) One time we weren''t even halfway done with our appetizers when our steaks came out. FI asked if we could finish our salads, so they took the steaks back. By the time they brought them out, you could tell they had been under heat lamps because one side of the steak was more well done than the other. For awhile, FI didn''t order the main until after we ATE the appetizer, just to ensure we''d have some time. He''s gotten a bit more used to it now, but still asks for a bit of time between courses if the restaurant isn''t packed.

But there are lots of things he SO appreciates in America. How cheap everything is. Costco. The friendliness of the people. The weather here in L.A. Costco.

Galateia, I was thinking that even some of your threads here could be proof of your relationship to a degree? I don''t know what the proof criteria is though.

Yup onedrop, I started that thread, and I still feel the same way about wedding hoopla.