Not sure what to do...if anything

[akw94]

I should be sleeping b/c I''ve had a very long weekend but I''ve been doing some thinking instead. The only bm of mine that is in town was supposed to come over today and help w/my cookie favor trial. Just like she was supposed to come dress shopping two times. Just like she was supposed to order the dress when the others did. She didn''t come today. She said she was coming in an email. Even called to ask about what we were going to do, although in a tone that made it clear she didn''t really want to come. So I responded and emailed her my new address w/directions. She didn''t call, email, nothing...

I am upset by it and hurt but not surprised and not as upset given that this isn''t new behavior. I sort of feel numb to it, sort of feel fed up. Since I''ve gotten engaged, the only time she''s been interested is when I asked her to be by bm. She seemed elated. She does ask about wedding stuff but that''s the extent of her interest. I certainly don''t expect her to be involved but it would be nice. It would help to feel like she cares. I do a pretty good job of not letting her uninvolvement affect me. But this time, it''s not working. Not after she said that she''s coming and just blew it off. At least call or email... at the very least.
So tonight, I made a decision not to contact her. I feel I have made many efforts to maintain our friendship but it does not feel mutual. I''m not saying we won''t continue to be friends but it has to continue by her choice and effort.
So that leaves me to the relevant PS topic. I''m not sure how I feel about her being a bridesmaid. Quite honestly, I''m not sure she wants to be in the wedding. And I''m not really sure I want her to be.
I''m not making any decisions or anything tonight, other than choosing not to contact her but I''m feeling very torn.

 

[monarch64]

Aww, that stinks. I had to respond to this and tell you I had a similar situation with a BM of mine. I only chose three gals, my BF from college, my SIL, and one of my college roommates. The latter was a total disappointment, even though we were very close when we lived together and I thought she was a great friend. Not only did she not show up to choose a BM dress, she didn''t come to either of my showers and never, ever called me before the wedding. I thought she was just busy or involved with her own life and I chose to accept it. She ended up going to the boutique we found the Bm dresses at on her own and getting fitted by herself (it was in Indy, I''m up here in Chi.) So finally the weekend of the wedding rolls around and she drives up with not one, but two of her friends who want to see Chicago. guess what? They have no place to stay and she thinks I''m footing the bill for a hotel room or they can all stay at our apt. I was absolutely incredulous that she would just assume after not really talking to me for so many months that it would be ok for her to impose on me like that. Actually I was livid, but it was too late and I had to be gracious about it, so I told all of them we didn''t have the money to pay for their hotel room and they would have to find one on their own, etc. etc. Long story short, she did the bare minimum of BM duties. She came up to attend the wedding, wore the dress, and went back home, even left the reception early. I talked to her once since then and was equally unimpressed. I''m still sad that my wedding somehow came between us, but i guess that''s just how it goes sometimes.

Sorry Dixie to hear you are having a similar issue. My best advice is to call the gal (hindsight is 20/20, I should''ve done this) and ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding and that it''s no problem if she doesn''t.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, to me, putting aside the wedding, what she did was just plain rude. You should not have to deal with that, that is so not kind to me. Telling someone you are coming and then just not coming, or responding is not right, unless something dreadful happened, which I would highly doubt.

But she is a bridesmaid, and to me, she is being flakey. You need to sit down and talk with her. Can you let her off the hook if you sense that is what she really wants? But what if she assures you she wants to, and yet continues to flake? Definitely time for a talk. She has hurt you and it would seem this is not new thing, and it may not be the best thing to have her in the wedding, but I cannot be sure. Only you and she know the real situation, and if you feel she is not helpful or supportive, I would stop it now.

 

[So_happy]

I am so sorry to hear she didn''t show up and, worse, did not even leave you with an explanation.

Assuming of course that she is ok and chose to not show, that was totally not cool of her and given her past behavior, I don''t blame you for questioning her role in your wedding. I also admire you for giving this a day or two before going forth with anything to get your head on staight about all of this because I''m sure the feelings are intense.

It sounds to me as if you are doing everything at this time that can be done. You are taking care of yourself first by giving some time, and then you are going to speak to this woman to see where you two stand. I truly hope for you that you will find resolution..........because feeling "in limbo" is worse than having her step down, IMHO.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I have wanted to do (and done) what you want to do.... but from this outside perspective all of a sudden it sounds kinda immature not to address it head on. I think I would ask her if she still wants to be a bridesmaid and give her plenty of way out.... reassure her that you''ll still be friends etc but you can tell she isn''t enjoying this and it is wearing on you. Put some pressure on her to admit she wants out and have a backup plan.

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry that happened! If I was in your situation, I''d talk to my friend about it. I''d ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding and then say that there have been times when it didn''t seem like she had. I personally don''t do well when someone blows me off. I really wouldn''t be happy if that person was a bridesmaid in my wedding and had promised to help out and then didn''t show. I''d ask her about it and see what she says. If she''s looking for a way out of being a bridesmaid, I''d give it to her, after letting her know that you were hurt by her actions (or non-actions in this case). I know all of this may be easier said than done but I think you can do it.

 

[akw94]

Monarch, sorry to hear you experienced something similar. I know that friendships change during life, but it really seems as if I''m losing my friend. I guess we just don''t have things in common as we used to. I just didn''t assume it would come to this b/c I''m certainly happy w/still being friends, regardless of whether I''m getting married or not. It just doesn''t seem like she is. I''m sorry you lost a friend too and it sounds like she really acted inappropriately by bringing the guests and expecting you to provide arrangements.

I''m still not sure about calling but you probably are right.

DF, I agree, it was rude! I would certainly be fine w/her not being in the wedding, if that''s what she wants. In fact, it might be what I want. But I think you''re right, what happens if she says she still wants to and acts the same. I have a feeling that''s what would happen. Or she''d say she''s not interested and then that''s it, end of friendship. But I could be wrong. I guess I''m really not sure of her reaction and don''t want a confrontation. It''s all a little bit much, and I wish I didn''t have to deal w/this.

So Happy, thanks for the support. I actually hadn''t planned on speaking to her about this unless she contacted me but it does seem to be the consensus about dealing w/this sooner rather than later. You''re right, the "in limbo" feeling is not leaving me happy at all.

Cehrabehra, I think I''ll have to figure out exactly what I will say before calling. I could see myself backing out or not really pressuring her to respond. But I do want a response and I want to her to say she''s interested or not. Part of me wonders if she''s aware of the difference between being a bridesmaid vs being a guest at the wedding. It feels like she just wants the guest role but seemed so happy at being a bm.

Zoe, thanks for the encouragement. It certainly won''t be easy but I appreciate the little push. I just feel like this call could be the end of our friendship and it sucks that it''s happening during my wedding planning. Isn''t this supposed to be a happy period of my life?! And actually, it really has been except for this. I agree that I''m not even sure I want to ask her about still being in the wedding b/c I don''t necessarily want her in that role. But I don''t know; I am upset so it''s hard to separate that from our friendship right now.

Thanks so much everyone for the supportive comments!

 

[princesss]

Is there any way you could just gently nudge her out of it? I''m not sure of the protocol in this situation, but it seems to me that if she e-mailed to say she was coming and never showed up and it''s not the first time, things aren''t likely to change. I think it would probably stress you out more to keep thinking she''s involved but never know if she actually will be!

Could you say something like, "Friend, I''ve been thinking about it and I realize I must have put you in an askward and overly demanding role by asking you to be in my wedding. I worry that I am stressing you out with all my requests, and if you don''t mind terribly, I think that we''d both have more fun if you were able to just relax during the wedding and don''t have to worry about any of the bridesmaid work. I''d love to have you as a guest at our wedding so that you can enjoy the night to it''s fullest and not worry about and stress or inconveniences before or on the day."

Anyways, best of luck and I hope this stress passes quickly so you can get back to enjoying your engagement and planning!

 

[akw94]

Princess, thanks for the suggestion! I definitely think that if she continues to be a bm, the behavior isn''t likely to change and I just wouldn''t ask her to take part in anything again. Which of course, continues to make me feel that she shouldn''t be a bm b/c that''s part of the point of them being *in* the wedding vs just attending as a guest.
I don''t know if I could nudge her out of it. I''m not sure I''m quite that bold, even though I wish I were at times. Quite honestly, I don''t even know if I''m going to call but haven''t decided yet. I really feel like it''s on her to respond to me but then if I just wait, things will continue as they are and then I''ll be extra annoyed come wedding day, especially if she were to come to the shower, bachelorette event and rehearsal dinner as if nothing happened.

UH!!! This is not making me feel good!