Not sure what to do....(long)

[princesss]

I can''t take it anymore. My friend R is driving me up the wall and I can''t tell if she''s doing it on purpose or not. (And just to put it out there, I''m looking for straight-shooting, no-nonsense advice and *hugs* and whatever anybody has to offer.)

R and I have been friends off and on since college started (we''re seniors now). Her personality changes a ton between when she''s single and when she''s dating somebody. When she''s single she''s moody and depressed, thinks she''s worth nothing, needs constant reassurance, and assumes everybody loves her. When she''s dating somebody she drops every friend she has and only spends time with her BF. We''re expected to understand that she just puts everything into her relationships and she''ll "be around if we need her" (so if I got dumped she''d be on the phone with me for a little while then tell me she can''t talk anymore). The last time she got dumped I was up for 4 hours in the middle of the night (she came back at 2 AM) and made sure she was eating for a week.

So lately she''s been seeing this guy, S. I''ve never really liked S, but since R and I were roommates and friends I put up with him. They started dating in April. Soon after they started dating, her personality changed completely. She''s judgmental, and kind of an all-around PITA. R also developed a nasty habit of lecture-talking. Instead of talking to me, she just lectures. And often I feel like she''s lecturing me on my life choices. "If you got engaged this year, I''d have to give you a serious talking-to." "You know, it was a big growing-up moment for me when I realized what I say to people when I''m frustrated can negatively affect the way other people see them." (All said in possibly the most condescending tone I''ve ever heard.) She and her boyfriend moved in together in July, and she''s now living with him instead of with me. (Actually a situation that works in my favour since I''m in the dorms and she never canceled her housing contract.)

I spent a month with my BF this summer (we''ve been together 2.5 years) and at one point after getting really frustrated with him, I saw her and vented to her for a minute. I was upset over minor things that were solved that day. So the other day she lecture-talks to me about how much better her relationship is than mine since apparently: a) Needing "me-time" without him means that we''re not right for each other because her "alone time" always includes S because she never gets sick of him; b) Having one minor issue that I talked to her about means we are incapable of living together (for the record, I talked to her about it because he was at work so I couldn''t work it out with him right then); and c) they are just all-around better, more indie, more in touch with the unique nature of our town instead of the corporate mall that I work at people. ARRRRRRRGH.

So, my problem. Every time I talk to her I get frustrated. This whole post just stems for talking to her twice last week. Am I crazy for getting annoyed and not wanting to spend time with her anymore? Should I just stop making an effort to talk to her? Am I being immature about this whole thing, or just reading way too much into what she says? And most importantly, what should I do?

 

[KimberlyH]

Friendships ebb and flow, and sometimes it''s best to just let them roll out with the tides.

I had a friend, met her in college, that was like a sister to me until she had a baby. 3 months after her daughter was born she sent me an email stating that we were in different places in our lives because I wasn''t/am not a mom and that we should go our seperate ways. I was stunned; I''d been her closest female friend when she was single, her support system when she was an LIW (not on PS), the MOH in her wedding, thrown her a baby shower, let her take over my home when her daughter was in the hospital for weeks after her birth. But I let it, and her, go. It took about a year before we spoke again, I missed her and sent her an email that required no response, just a "thinking of you" message. She wrote back told me how much she missed me and we''ve since struck up a friendship again. She choose to play a different role in my life than the one she had previously filled when she made that asinine statement, I''ll never look at her the same way again, but I see her now, with all her faults, as a person I still care for, we''re just not as close as we once were. And I''m at peace with that.

Perhaps a break is what you both need and maybe you''ll reunite in the future, and maybe not. But it''s not worth torturing youself over. You''re throwing yourself under the bus.

 

[decodelighted]

Friends are people you LIKE being around ... three-four year friendships ... those come & go. When they stop meeting the needs of the people involved. It doesn''t really sound like she''s EVER behaved as most of us would call "a friend". I''d let her come to you. And if you want to hang out with her: do ... if you don''t: don''t.

 

[somethingshiny]

I completely understand. My best friend all through high school was like that. I assumed that when we became adults she would stop this behavior. It hasn''t stopped yet. Even through college, she expected me to go pick up pieces while she was 2 hours away. She is now 28, I''m 27. I have been married for 8 yrs, and have a child. She still expects me to drop everything every time something doesn''t go her way. I have driven 7 hours at 11 pm to go pick her up from yet another bad relationship. I had to physically remove her from another bad situation. However, when she''s in the relationship, it''s like I don''t exist. Anytime I call her she has something more important going on. This is the current trend. She''s been living with a guy for around 2 years. I think we''ve talked half a dozen times. As much as this irritates me, I couldn''t cut ties with her completely. She and I had many wonderful times together, and I''m convinced that someday we will again.

*hugs* to you.

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/30/2007 5:48:38 PM
Author: decodelighted
Friends are people you LIKE being around ... three-four year friendships ... those come & go. When they stop meeting the needs of the people involved. It doesn''t really sound like she''s EVER behaved as most of us would call ''a friend''. I''d let her come to you. And if you want to hang out with her: do ... if you don''t: don''t.

Deco, I think you are exactly right. I think a lot of it is that I usually move so that''s how friendships die. I''ve never actually had one die where I''ve still been in the same town.

KimberlyH, that story helped a lot. If she ever did come back, I think I''d be okay being friendly acquaintances, but probably not much beyond that. I just get so frustrated and I don''t know why I keep putting up with it.

somethingshiny, how do you deal with her like that after so many years? After 3 years I''m worn out. I really admire your optimism.

 

[Skippy123]

Princess, I am very sorry. I think you need to stay away from her. It is funny how people change; it sounds like her boyfriend is influencing her self righteous nuttiness. You don't need that!!! It is funny because in college some people are finding themselves as adults and I bet that is what she is try to do; be happy you know who you are. Stay away and maybe someday you will be friends again. Hugs and hang in there!

 

[somethingshiny]

My husband doesn''t know why I deal with it either!!

I''m just a very optimistic person. I think when she is lucky enough to find someone who completes her, instead of who takes from her, she''ll be in a better place. I know then our friendship will flourish again. Another reason is because I know WHY she''s this way. When you know the reasons, the result is easier to deal with.

 

[Kaleigh]

It''s pretty common. I had a friend like that, it was all about HER. Friendship is a 2 way street. Friendships do ebb and flow. If she''s driving you nuts, take a break from her and go from there. I had to let one of my best friends (go) from High school, when I was newly married. I couldn''t take her crap anymore and ended the friendship. It was hard for me to do, but once I did it, I was soooo relieved.

20 years later, I still don''t regret it.
HTH, good luck with this.

 

[princesss]

Date: 9/30/2007 6:26:11 PM
Author: somethingshiny
My husband doesn''t know why I deal with it either!!


I''m just a very optimistic person. I think when she is lucky enough to find someone who completes her, instead of who takes from her, she''ll be in a better place. I know then our friendship will flourish again. Another reason is because I know WHY she''s this way. When you know the reasons, the result is easier to deal with.

See, that used to be true for me, too. I know all of R''s reasons, but I''ve found myself asking how much license those reasons can give a person to behave the way she does. Yes, life wasn''t great for R for quite a while. So she gets to act like this all the time? I don''t know. For me I guess knowing the reasons doesn''t make a huge difference. I''m really glad it works for you. I really wish I was as optimistic as you are.

 

[KimberlyH]

Princess, I still love my friend for a ton of reasons, she''s very courageous, smart, sweet, etc. she just doesn''t know how to be a good friend sometimes, so I take her as she is, don''t give too much of myself to her, and count my blessings for having other friends that I can rely on differently than I can her.

 

[princesss]

Oh, KimberlyH I must not have made myself clear. I definitely understood that you still care about your friend. But I feel so hurt by my friend that I would only be able to be a friendly acquaintance with her later in life, not an actual friend.

 

[Mara]

the other ladies have given you excellent advice...

quite honestly...life is short. spend it with people you really want to be around, people who care about you that you care about. don't waste your time with other people who don't make the cut. that is really how i feel about my time...it's precious that i have it to spare and i want to be with people...friends...family etc who make me feel good, make me laugh, have things in common with, who make me happy, who offer something positive to me and that i can offer something to in return. give and take.

people will come and go in life. i have a friend who i was close with for years but over time we have grown apart. she has a child and lives 45 minutes from me and we never see each other anymore. she has a new set of friends that fit her lifestyle as a parent, and i have a set of friends that i had for years that she never quite made the effort to fit in with (just like i don't really fit in with her friends either now)...and we email to catch up from time to time, but we don't make the time to get together and if we did, who knows what we'd really talk about as our lives are so different now and we don't even have the same people in common anymore. sometimes i am wistful about the relationship or really any relationship like that, but life grows and changes and i think it's just natural that relationships have their heyday and then a lull time...and then sometimes it's just done.

so really...my opinion is to decide what this gal really brings to you that's positive, and do you do the same for her? are you giving way more than she is? because some people are just like that. and spend less time with her if you feel you have to. if you don't miss her and miss having her in your life...that says something to me.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/30/2007 7:49:04 PM
Author: princesss
Oh, KimberlyH I must not have made myself clear. I definitely understood that you still care about your friend. But I feel so hurt by my friend that I would only be able to be a friendly acquaintance with her later in life, not an actual friend.

You were clear, I was just repeating myself, who knows why! My mom, who loved this woman almost as much as me, can''t forgive her even though I have. it makes me laugh.

She may become an acquiantance down the road and you may go in two seperate directions and never converge again, either way it''s a-okay. People change, I know I have and will continue to, and as I do I will probably lose some more friends along the way, and gain others. It''s just the ebb and flow of life and it can be sad and hard, but it''s also very cool.

 

[diamondfan]

Yes, friendships ebb and flow. He might bring out a side of her you do not like. However, judgement, condescension and nastiness have no place in a real friendship, at least not one I want to be part of. One upping you, lecturing you, sounds like she is insecure. And, honestly, you confided in her when you were upset, and have moved on. So should she. I have never heard of alone time that includes your S.O. Then it is not alone time, is it? She sounds a bit immature to me. I would lay low, and just see how things evolve from here. She is a bit big for her britches if she thinks she is now the go to girl authority figure on relationships...

 

[princesss]

You ladies are so wonderful. I think I knew what I needed to do but worried that it would be immature and silly to stop hanging out with her. But you were all right. I saw her today, and it was amazing how much better I felt when I didn''t feel obligated to sit and be lectured. I said hi and then went to lunch by myself. It felt great.

Thank you all so much. I really appriciate the help.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m glad you''ve come to a decision you could live with. I was actually thinking today of calling my friend. But, i didn''t want to deal with her.

I came across this piece of advice. "When there are no more blessings in the relationship, it''s time to move on."