Not sure what to do...

[squeaksluv]

Hey everyone, I wanted to get your advice on what I should do about a friend of mine. I''ve known her for a number of years and she been a very close friend of mine. She is a nice person but she''s a very negative person. She only calls me when she''s worried about something or upset about something. Sure we''ll talk on occasion about what is going on that is good but it seems for the most part she only calls when she needs someone to listen. She does ask about me, how I''m doing, etc. but for the most part I feel like I''m always playing the part of counselor. Always giving her advice, helping her out, etc. It''s become so exhausting for me that when I see her name come up on my cell phone I dread answering it.

Now don''t get me wrong, I love my friends and love being there for them and helping them out but she is always upset about something. And it''s not normal worry either, it''s worry to the point of physically making herself sick and seriously dragging me down with her. The sad thing is that it''s gotten hard for me to even be happy for her when she''s happy because it almost annoys me when something I keep telling her will work out, does work out and then she''s happy. Does that make sense? With no one else am I like this, and I used to not be this way with her.

For instance, we all understand the wait and the anxiety over waiting. We''ve all been there or are going through that. Well she obsessed and worried over it so much she even had an affair with some guy she met, in her and her bf''s bed while he was visitng family out of state. And she told this guy that she was in the process of breaking up with her bf which is why his stuff was still in the apartment. When she told me I was shocked. Okay, I can try and understand the cheating, told myself she was shutting herself down mentally from her bf but then to sleep with some guy in their bed? That was beyond anything I could grasp at that point. I told her that I couldn''t understand but I still tried to be there for her. Okay, well they got engaged finally and you know, what is so sad is that yes, while I was happy for her it also was really hard to be truly happy for her and I don''t know why. And that little episode was only one of many many things that she''s done.

I just don''t know what to do. I want to be her friend and be there for her as sometimes I feel like I''m the only one she can confide in about stuff, but she really drags me down to the point where I''m uspet and worried about things. A long time ago I stopped being friends with a guy who was Mr. Negative (or so we called him). He was just as bad and it got to the point I just couldn''t talk to him anymore. Well it''s gotten to the point with this friend of mine and I just feel awful about it. I don''t want to lose a friend over it but what else can I do? I know she''s a really good person but she worries herself sick over everything, and I mean everything. Things you think should make her happy she only worries even more. I just wish I knew what to do.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I always tell friends who are chronic worriers "If you can''t control it, ignore it." You could also throw the ball back into her court by asking her what she thinks would make the situation better.

If your friend is a genuine chronic worrier, maybe the "If you can''t control it, ignore it" advice will sink in and maybe she''ll start thinking of solutions on her own. If she''s putting on an act for the sake of dramatic effect, she''ll get tired of hearing the same advice over and over, and she''ll look for a new audience.

 

[sumbride]

I think that you need to tell her that it''s bothering you and suggest she seek other outlets... there is no reason you should have to carry that burden. And if you''ve gotten to the point where you dread seeing her name on your caller id, you need to do it sooner rather than later. Friendship should be mutually beneficial and if she''s taking more than she''s giving consistently and to the point of emotional exhaustion, you need to reevaluate, for your own sake.

I had to "break up" with a friend last year and though it was very difficult, it was the best decision I could have made at that point because she was just draining meand I couldn''t take it anymore. I don''t miss her and I''m not sorry I did it, though I wish I never had to... she just couldn''t handle the balance of friendship and was using me as her emotional sounding board for EVERYTHING without regard to me... like "oh, my hair is frizzy today" would have the same emotional pull for her as "my stepmother has cancer" or "my 1 night stand won''t call me back"... after suggesting she talk to a therapist over and over again, I finally had enough. I don''t want you to have to get to that point, but you need to take care of yourself here....

 

[squeaksluv]

Thanks for the advice, and you are right. That sad thing is that I really don''t think she knows what she''s doing to our friendship. She knows and readily admits to being a worrier and she agrees in that she should seek therapy. She was seeing someone about their relationship but I don''t think anything ever became of that. I feel like her counselor in the interim..not what I should be doing.
I guess I should say something..either that or just ignore her until she gets the point.

 

[Fancy605]

Well, if this is anything like most "my friend is making me nuts" stories, you can probably still list her good quallities.

I have actually been in a similar situation (with the friend who ALWAYS complains and you can''t get a word in edge wise), and before you scrap your friendship, you may want to try talking to her gently about it. The trouble with complain-y gloom and doom types is that they tend to have low self concepts and get VERY defensive with anything that can be viewd as critical. If you decide to attempt to discuss it with her, you may try prefacing your comments with, You know I love ya, but..... And then tell her your concerns.

It really is straining when you WANT to be a good friend, but find yourself completely drained by the constant negativity. And it''s draining too because I bet you''d probably like to get a chance to tell her about your life once in a while rather than focus on her problems. It sort of makes sense that you have a hard time being happy for her when things work out because you probably know that you''re just going to have to start reasuring her and giving her advice on the next negative thing that comes up.

With my friend like this, I have actually found that she has no need to talk to an actual person in the first place. She pretty much just needs to hear herself say things outloud to get them off her chest, and uses people as a sounding board. She needs a puppy or a goldfish or soemthing. Nah, I don''t mind listening--I just do it while watching TV or admiring the Eye Candy in Price Scope.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 8/8/2006 12:42:34 PM
Author: Fancy605
Nah, I don''t mind listening--I just do it while watching TV or admiring the Eye Candy in Price Scope.

Haha, I totally do this too! Or online sudoku....

Which is to say, I have a friend a lot like that too (only without the cheating part!

) and I just feel awful that I don''t WANT to help her more, but it is kind of getting to the point of just being sick of hearing her complain.... I feel like I can''t talk about my wedding or even reference my fiance (who she''s also friends with) without setting her off on ANOTHER "I''m going to be alone forever" rant where I just say, "Don''t worry, you''ll find someone!" and she says "No, I won''t" and I say "yes you will" and she says "but how do you KNOWWW THAT???" all angrily at me. I''m just tired of having these same conversations with her over and over, but I also know that she really DOES need me to be there for her because she''s really not in a good place right now...

I think the part that would bother me most about your friend is the cheating and lying aspect. I used to have a friend who would justify all sorts of crazy things like that, AND treat all her friends badly and eventually our whole group just cut her out because she was just acting out in such a ridiculous way. Her father (who she was extremely close to) passed away when we were in high school and she was on and off depressed about it for years, so we always felt we HAD to be there for her, but at a certain point we realized that no matter how much pain you''re in (and this was like 6 years later by this point), you still have to treat other people with respect. So the bitching and whining I can deal with, but not the acting out unreasonably because you have the "excuse" of being insecure.

 

[decodelighted]

"Fraid I''ve been on both sides of this coin (not the cheating part thought!!) ... there''s a point in most friendships where you either

a) have a tough talk about why it''s not working now for one person & how things need to change

or

b) have a tough talk about why it''s not working for one person ... no one changes ... and you drift apart.

I''ve had friendships that have not only survived "the tough talk" ... but THRIVED afterwards. And, sadly, some that have had been lost to the ages.

What''s that old saying ... people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some friends, no matter how close, are "seasonal".

 

[squeaksluv]

It really is straining when you WANT to be a good friend, but find yourself completely drained by the constant negativity.

Fancy605, I want to be a good friend, maybe that''s why I''ve stayed with her as long as I have. I honestly think she is a good person too, she''s just so worried about everything and when she worries it overwhelms and controls her. The problem is that she doesn''t call me when she''s not worried or not upset about something. When she''s fine, she doesn''t need to call anyone. It''s when she''s upset or worried that I always get the phone call that can last for hours with me reassuring her about things.

albicocca, like you, I don''t want to leave her right now because my friend is in a bad place right now too. Well, not bad per se, actually quite wonderful, but it will bring with it a whole new set of worries and concerns. She''s pregnant. It''s very early on but she''s been so worried about it already she''s been making herself ill. I keep telling her that worrying is going to only hurt her and the baby but she can''t help it. She''s so consumed with her worries. Last Friday she waiting for her doctor to call her to let her know things are looking good and she was so upset and so worried she could barely talk. We talked on the phone for over an hour (me trying to reassure her) and when the dr. finally called (results were great of course), my friend was perfectly fine and had to go..have I heard from her since? No. I know that pregnancy can be worrying and upsetting which is why I want to be there for her now but I know it''s going to be one thing after another until the baby is born..and then the real worries begin! I just feel I do so much for her but never get anything in return. It''s frustrating!


What''s that old saying ... people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Some friends, no matter how close, are "seasonal".

decodelighted, what a great saying and how true. although we''ve been friends for more than one season I just can''t see it being a lifetime. Like I said, she is a good person and I think she really does try, I just don''t feel it''s enough anymore. One thing I should keep in mind though is that I''m not the first friend to drop her for this. I''d just hate to have this happen to her again because I remember how much she was bothered by it.

 

[sk8rjen]

Well, I was just about to write practically what deco wrote, so ditto Deco! I''ve been in your shoes before, until I hit a point where it didn''t matter if I even said anything to my friend b/c she didn''t hear me anyway. We talked about it, and then drifted -- presumably she drifted to another friend she could badger with her problems.

Then I''ve been that friend, too. Didn''t really realize it, but was going through a SUPER tough time in my life and it was all me me me. She was kind enough to talk to me about it (different friend than above) -- this one is by far my best friend to this day and that talk made us closer, me a better friend, and her advice seemed more helpful after that.

So talk, be honest, and see where it takes you two....

good luck!
jen

 

[bobacha]

your post immediately reminded me of someone I know. .. so I probably can''t give you any advice since I''m in a similar situation.

I have this friend that I''ve been trying to break-up with .. but like you it''s also very hard for me to just pull away from her. I actually know her from my other friends, who are now still good friends with me, but they''re no longer talking to her. In fact, no other girl can stand her. She''s had quite a few of ex-girlfriends, people who were once close to her but now don''t even talk to her. She''s a spoiled, self-centered, and selfish individual.

I''m pretty much the only girlfriend (she has a couple of close guy friends) who she can confide in. But I''m tired of hearing her stories/complaints. Sometimes I feel like she''s tellling me too much information that I don''t want to know. So I''ve been trying to ignore her ....but the same time I also don''t feel good of rejecting her invitations to get together all the time, so I still see her and talk to her, but not everytime she wants to. My intent was to slowly withdraw from her, but looks like it''s not working. Even though we talk and see each other a lot less than before, she''s still driving me nuts (inside).

My other friends said that I''m too kind to her and I should have just ignored her completely. But it''s so hard to do, because sometimes I also sympathize her situation, and I''m the only one she got !

 

[RoseAngel04]

Ug...I have had friends in the past who were the "I wanna talk about me, wanna talk I, wanna talk about #1 oh my me my" and that''s always a toughy. When they only talk about themselves and could careless about what is going on in your life! If she is a dear friend that you want to keep than I would talk to her about it and see if you can work it out.

 

[squeaksluv]

She''s really not a bad person and I know she tries to ask questions about what is going on with me but most of time (99%) of the time she is worried about something (really only calls when she''s worried about something) and needs to talk to me about it..

I feel like I''m constantly trying to help her, giving advice or just being a sounding board for stuff. I used to really enjoy talking to her until I started feeling emotionally drained after each conversation and it''s just gotten worse. The last time she called (about waiting for the dr. to call) I was so drained afterwards I felt like crying! I''m also becoming resentful that the only time she calls is when she needs me. I don''t want to feel like a bad person and lay all of this on her when she''s pregnant but I''m not sure if there will ever be a good time for it. I know she''d be really upset to know how I''m feeling but I think she''ll also not want to call me to talk and I don''t know if she has anyone else she can talk to. She''s got really good friends (even her maid of honor from her wedding) but I feel like I''m the one she talks to..for whatever reason.

Thanks everyone for letting me vent and giving me wonderful advice. I just have to figure out if I should cut her out of my life or say something to her.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 8/8/2006 5:17:56 PM
Author: bobacha
your post immediately reminded me of someone I know. .. so I probably can''t give you any advice since I''m in a similar situation.


I have this friend that I''ve been trying to break-up with .. but like you it''s also very hard for me to just pull away from her. I actually know her from my other friends, who are now still good friends with me, but they''re no longer talking to her. In fact, no other girl can stand her. She''s had quite a few of ex-girlfriends, people who were once close to her but now don''t even talk to her. She''s a spoiled, self-centered, and selfish individual.


I''m pretty much the only girlfriend (she has a couple of close guy friends) who she can confide in. But I''m tired of hearing her stories/complaints. Sometimes I feel like she''s tellling me too much information that I don''t want to know. So I''ve been trying to ignore her ....but the same time I also don''t feel good of rejecting her invitations to get together all the time, so I still see her and talk to her, but not everytime she wants to. My intent was to slowly withdraw from her, but looks like it''s not working. Even though we talk and see each other a lot less than before, she''s still driving me nuts (inside).


My other friends said that I''m too kind to her and I should have just ignored her completely. But it''s so hard to do, because sometimes I also sympathize her situation, and I''m the only one she got !

Bobacha... this sounds EXACTLY like my ex-friend... hmmm... wonder if she went out and found you??? If you really want to break up with her, you need to just do it... it has to be a clean break because if she''s been through it so many times before, she''s not going to recognize the need to change or do anything gradually.... I know it sucks and it hurts to hurt somebody, but she''s hurting you by draining you. You have to just say "we''re done!" Good luck!!!