NOT the Maid of Honor...

[rockzilla]

Ok...I might be overreacting on this...but I just need to vent...

I am one of 5 bridesmaids for my friend''s wedding happening in a few weeks. I have known the bride about 4 years now, three of the others are more recent friends and one is a childhood friend.

The childhood friend is the maid of honor...which isn''t a big deal, except that she is studying overseas and doesn''t arrive back in town until the day before the wedding, so I have been doing all the traditional MoH type things (helping pick out bridesmaid dresses, shoes, jewlery, consulting on flowers, talking on the phone about planning every other day). So, I volunteered, along with another bridesmaid, to plan the bachelorette party a few weeks ago. Of course, the other BM is a notorious flake (didn''t show up for the bridal shower and at least 2 other wedding-related events) so I had to plan it with her, while still planning it in such a way that in the case she didn''t show up things would still be okay. I also delegated a few things to the other 2 BMs, who were great.

The night before the party, I talk on the phone with the other girl planning, we set the time to meet 1/2 hour before to set everything up. Then, she doesn''t show up! Big surprise, right? But, the worst part is, she doesn''t call before or during; and she hasn''t contacted me in the 3 weeks since even to apologize. So I''m running around like crazy the whole time; I''ve spent hundrededs of dollars and hours preparing and this girl didn''t even show up with the things she was supposed to bring.

Thankfully, my friend really enjoyed the party and appreciated all the work I put in to it. Which is the reason I agreed to do this...if I hadn''t stepped up, she wouldn''t have had a bachelorette party, and I know she really wanted one.

But now, right before the wedding, I get an evite for a "Second Bachelorette Party"...apparently the MoH is hosting something at her house the night before the wedding.

I''m feeling kind of hurt about this...why can''t they just call it something else? If the MoH was going to plan a bachelorette party, why didn''t they tell me beforehand, and I wouldn''t have put all that work and money and stress into planning the first party? I understand the MoH wants to be involved, I just feel like I did all that for nothing...

Is having 2 bachelorette parties where the same people are invited normal?

I''m probably just overreacting, I just feel unappreciated =(

RZ

 

[parrot tulips]

Rockzilla, I''m so sorry you''re feeling this way, and no, I don''t think you''re overreacting. I was in a similar situation once and it''s frustrating to want your friend to be happy, but to feel overwhelmed taking on more than you expected (financially and time-wise) with little to no help, and as petty as it sounds, without the "glory" of having the MOH title. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but all I can think of to say is that your friend is very lucky to have someone like you in her life.

 

[anchor31]

I''m on the other side of the fence. I asked my twin sister to be my MOH because I pretty much "had" too... I had a lot of problems with her, and now that the issues have been resolved, she''s leaving for Australia for a year, coming back about 3 weeks before the wedding. She can''t help me plan much from there, or plan my shower or bachelorette. My BFF is my BM and I turned to her for pretty much everything, and still will... I asked her if she was okay with it and she said yes. She said MOH and BM are just titles, she''s thrilled and honoured to be involoved in her BFF''s wedding, nothing else mattered.

No matter what your title is, your bride friend will know what you did for her. And remember that sometimes brides have to make tough choices to try to not offend anyone.

Hang in there, it''s almost over!

 

[havernell]

I can see why you are frustrated with the other BMs being so flakey! ugh.

But as to the "second bachelorette party"- I don''t think you need to worry about that. I mean, if this "party" is the night before the wedding, it probably won''t be much of a party. It will have to start after the rehersal dinner (this is assuming there is a rehersal dinner), so it will start late to begin with, and since everyone will have to be up and ready to go (i.e. not hung over or exhausted) the next morning, I doubt the party will be a late night rager... Sounds like it will just be casual girls hand out time at the MOH''s house.

I guess what I"m trying to say is that this "second bachelorette party" most likely won''t be a traditional bachelorette party. So, I think its really good that you already had the bachelorette party that you threw. If you hadn''t thrown it, your friend probably wouldn''t have gotten a real bachelorette party like she wanted.

Sounds like the MOH is just trying to do something nice for her long time friend, not trying to upstage you. I agree that the MOH probably should have found a different term that "bachelorette party" for her shindig, but that''s mostly semantic. There is enough craziness in the world- don''t let yourself get hung up on semantics!

 

[surfgirl]

First of all, WHY didn''t the other BM show up for all these other events??? Missing a shower and a bachelorette party is just weird? Doesn''t the bride to be notice she''s MIA? What does the bride think of all this? Man, if I were the bride I''d fire the flake. You should say something to the flake only if you feel it would make YOU feel better, because her behavior is unacceptable. You should also hold her accountable for whatever costs you incurred on her behalf because she flaked.

As for the out of town MOH...more difficult situation. Does she know you already had a bach. party? I guess you have to suck it up on this one and let her do something for the bride. Since she cant do anything for her from faraway, she probably feels the need to do something as soon as she gets back home. Not her fault she''s far away. Let it go. Invites have gone out so it''s too late to put the horse in the barn..but if I was the bride I wouldn''t want to be up late the night before my wedding. No need for you to stay long at that party. You need your sleep!

 

[rockzilla]

Thanks everyone for your input...I have calmed down a lot since then

Surfgirl, the other BM is notoriously unreliable due to (I think) panic attacks. She just freaks out and doesn't show up and doesn't call. While I try my best to treat mental illness the same way I'd treat physical illness, I still think it is extremely rude that she never called me (before or after) she missed the party. I did send her an email saying how dissappointed I was...she never responded. The bride considers her a really good friend, apparently they have great talks on the phone, but whenever it comes time for her to show up to something she is either extremely late or not there at all. My biggest concern is that she won't be there for the wedding...but how can you kick someone out who (says) they want to be there? She always says she is SO excited for all of these things and then she is not there. I guess we'll find out the day of the wedding...

As for the costs, in the end I figured it would be petty to ask...I'm actually the only bridesmaid with a full time job (the rest are grad students) and the flaky bridesmaid I don't think is even going to school...It was more the principle than the actual money.